Request for Tony's advice

[sue]

Hi Tony: You responded to my earlier post about men and women being friends.It's still there if you want to reread. You give such wonderful advice, I wanted to ask you a follow-up. You really made me think about this being a situational friendship. We are both attached. I am not happy, not sure about him. You had said it would collapse if someone developed a romantic interest. We spend the entire time talking about our lives, stories from our past, philosophies on life, etc. It's a weird thing for me. He'll skip class, but wait for me in the parking lot, just so we can talk for a few hours. I just don't know what he wants. I told him that I feel uncomfortable with men and women being friends. He acknowledged this and later said that he didn't know what to say. He also said I was his motivation to keep taking classes, he wouldn't if I wasn't. What is his motivation. Do men like to maintain weird platonic relationships for ego only. This is a friendship that can't go anywhere. Thank you for your advice. I agree with any earlier post that you seem to be very wise about life matters. Thanks, Sue

[Tony T]

True friendship exists for no other reason than itself. A true friend is very hard to find. People we associate with at school, work, recreation, or wherever can become true friends but most often they are situational friends or activity buddies.

 

You say this is a friendship that can't go anywhere. It's usually the ladies that get pissed because all men want is to get in their pants. so you can't handle a guy who likes you for your great company and conversation and doesn't want more. Who's ego is being affected here.

 

This man, as you describe, seems to have a sincere fondness for you. He may be very attracted to you and for some reason is too shy or affected by other factors to make a move. I have no way of knowing. But on the face, he seems to just want interaction at its current level and he seems to enjoy his time with you a great deal.

 

I think you can be friends with him and persue romantic relationships elsewhere. Perhaps when you tell him you are seeing somebody, he will act if indeed there is more interest on his part than just a friendship.

 

I also hope you will reconsider your feelings about friendships between men and women. You are certainly entitled to your opinion and feelings. They probably stem from teachings from you parents and general experiences growing up. But when you finally meet Mr. Right and fall madly in love, if there is no basis for or element of friendship, it will not last. True, lasting romance is a friendship that has caught fire.

 

When the euphoria of the initial period of romance is over, and when the babies start crying in the middle of the night, the garbage needs taking out, one of you barfs on the living room floor, etc. etc., if there is not true friendship there, your relationship will crumble to bits.

 

So be friendly with this guy on whatever level you feel good about. Enjoy your conversations with him but limit your time and spend some on finding the romance that's missing in your life. And, for your own sake, stop looking for some personal payoff in every interaction you have with other human beings. You will never, ever find more lasting, true and genuine love than from a friend who will be there forever.

 

The only thing missing from normal friendship is the euphoria, kissing, sex, etc. When you find that elsewhere, you may not give this guy the time of day if you don't value his sincere and genuine friendship. But that's OK. You have to go with how YOU feel!!!

 

Understand, he is around you for selfish reasons. Everyone is where they are for pretty much the same reasons. Something they need is being fulfilled by the interaction they are currently in, unless they are just plain insane. He is getting his needs met and apparently all he needs is to have coffee with and share ideas with somebody like you who interacts with him in a compatible way. That is certainly worth waiting around campus for. Hell, there are girls that camp out overnight and wait hours in the hot sun for a five second glimpse of Tom Cruise. That's what they need and they do what they have to do to get it.

 

You seem to need more than just coffee and conversation and if he isn't willing to give that to you and you don't want to retain his friendship on that basis, move on down the road.