New wife is having jealousy and trust issues

[Gerhard]

Hi, I'm new to this forum. I recently got married for the 2nd time and my wife is having issues with the fact I was married once before. My wife is about 15 years younger than me, was raised with different cultural values and is financially dependent on me. I have been divorced from my first wife about 2 years and have virtually no contact with her, nor do I wish to have any contact with her. I am a very sentimental and nostalgic person and like to save things from my past. Furthermore, there are financial documents and other legal documents that I need to keep from the timeframe that I was with my ex-wife.

 

* My wife insists that I am still in contact with ex-wife. I explain to her that I am not in contact with my ex-wife, but she refuses to believe me.

* She spends a lot of her free time perusing through old computer files and hard copy files searching for anything that has to do with my ex-wife. I tell her to drop her obsession with this and focus on our relationship, but she just continues on.

* If she finds something (such as old birthday cards, photos, invitations, etc.) to do with my ex-wife, she tears it up and throws it away without consulting me. I have made it clear to her that if she finds anything she doesn't want in the household, bring it to my attention and we'll make a joint decision as to how to dispose of it.

* She gets visibly upset if she finds out a place I took her to is a place I took my ex-wife to.

* She mocks my ex-wife. For example, she'll teasingly mouth the words she read on an old birthday card she found.

 

I've tried a couple of things, such as refusing to discuss my ex-wife in any manner or refusing to buy something she wants. But nothing seems to work. It's putting a strain on our relationship and is sending it in the wrong direction.

 

Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions?

[sotired]

How long did you date before you got married? Did the issue only come up after marriage?

[Gerhard]

How long did you date before you got married? Did the issue only come up after marriage?

 

We've been together about a year, have been living together about four months and have been married about two months. The issues were prevalent, but less so, before we were married. Before we moved in together, she was positive about my ex-wife and even expressed interest in meeting her someday. But once she moved in, her interest changed to wanting to destroy the part of my life which my ex-wife occupied.

 

What I don't understand is she can't get rid of my past by destroying things that have sentimental value to me. On the contrary, what she's doing is reminding me of it. My attitude is for us to move on and focus on our future together.

[sotired]

I think a lot of it has to do with her age. She doesn't have the life experiences that you do and she probably feels like your ex wife is a threat.

 

I would sit down with her one last time and explain how you feel and let her know that you have moved on. Make sure that she knows when she brings up the ex wife it forces you to think about her and you don't feel it's healthy for your current relationship. Let her tell you how she feels and then tell her that the issue is settled. I would suggest counseling for her, she obviously has a lot of insecurities to work out.

 

After that, I wouldn't listen to her when she starts bringing up the ex. Just walk away and let her throw a fit on her own. Don't bribe her...Just ignore her. I'm assuming what happens is that she blows up and you tell her how much you love her etc. All that does is reward her for her behavior.

 

This is a pretty serious issue. I hope that you are able to work through it. Jealousy doesn't look good on anyone.

[2sure]

OK - this is going to sound harsh, but it will work.

 

First , she is young as was stated. As such she doesn't have the confidence & security that come with age & experience. She is jealous of your ex wife, just because you did love her at one time. She is jealous of your past experience , of which you have more than her. She is insecure possibly because she is financially independent on you , and your first wife I'm betting, was not/is not. Even though she is younger, the fact that she makes nasty comments about first wife indicates that she finds your ex attractive.

 

She felt all of these things before the wedding absolutely. But she hid them from you to not appear a shrew. Now that the wedding has secured her position, she doest care how she appears.

 

Sure, its part of a spouses to job to make their partner feel confident and secure in the relationship. Are you doing that?? Have you saved too many thoughtful momentos? Most people ditch them. A picture of the wedding maybe, some with friends - put away, but no cards. letters etc.

 

You have to tell her YOU are done with this. YOU will no longer be participating in ANY discussions regarding your ex wife. PERIOD. Gather your momentos, from your ex and from your baseball coach, etc. Put them in a BOX/CONTAINER and tell her it is NOT HERS?OFF LIMITS. Period. Buy her a lap top and LOCK HER OUT OF YOUR COMPUTER. Tell her you have nothing to hide, and are disappointed it has come this but you are NO LONGER GOING TO BE HOUNDED by things she imagines. Tell her that if 6 months go by with no mention of his EX, no throwing away your stuff - you will unlock it.

 

She is behaving childishly. This will stop her behavior and by stopping the behavior, she will soon stop the thoughts.

[Gerhard]

I think a lot of it has to do with her age. She doesn't have the life experiences that you do and she probably feels like your ex wife is a threat.

 

I would sit down with her one last time and explain how you feel and let her know that you have moved on. Make sure that she knows when she brings up the ex wife it forces you to think about her and you don't feel it's healthy for your current relationship. Let her tell you how she feels and then tell her that the issue is settled. I would suggest counseling for her, she obviously has a lot of insecurities to work out.

 

After that, I wouldn't listen to her when she starts bringing up the ex. Just walk away and let her throw a fit on her own. Don't bribe her...Just ignore her. I'm assuming what happens is that she blows up and you tell her how much you love her etc. All that does is reward her for her behavior.

 

This is a pretty serious issue. I hope that you are able to work through it. Jealousy doesn't look good on anyone.

If I ignore her, she forces the issue upon me. One of the things she does is threaten to look through every corner of my belongings to unearth anything that has to do with my ex-wife. (I don't really care what she finds, but when she finds things, it forces me to confront the issue). I politely ask her to drop her obsession and to focus on our future together, but she apparently feels compelled to engage in this destructive behavior. And as she's at home much more than me, I can't control what she does while I'm not there.

 

It's been suggested to me that if she finds something she wants thrown away, I tell her "no". But there is no way to stop her from throwing it away anyway.

[Gerhard]

OK - this is going to sound harsh, but it will work.

 

First , she is young as was stated. As such she doesn't have the confidence & security that come with age & experience. She is jealous of your ex wife, just because you did love her at one time. She is jealous of your past experience , of which you have more than her. She is insecure possibly because she is financially independent on you , and your first wife I'm betting, was not/is not. Even though she is younger, the fact that she makes nasty comments about first wife indicates that she finds your ex attractive.

 

She felt all of these things before the wedding absolutely. But she hid them from you to not appear a shrew. Now that the wedding has secured her position, she doest care how she appears.

 

Sure, its part of a spouses to job to make their partner feel confident and secure in the relationship. Are you doing that?? Have you saved too many thoughtful momentos? Most people ditch them. A picture of the wedding maybe, some with friends - put away, but no cards. letters etc.

 

You have to tell her YOU are done with this. YOU will no longer be participating in ANY discussions regarding your ex wife. PERIOD. Gather your momentos, from your ex and from your baseball coach, etc. Put them in a BOX/CONTAINER and tell her it is NOT HERS?OFF LIMITS. Period. Buy her a lap top and LOCK HER OUT OF YOUR COMPUTER. Tell her you have nothing to hide, and are disappointed it has come this but you are NO LONGER GOING TO BE HOUNDED by things she imagines. Tell her that if 6 months go by with no mention of his EX, no throwing away your stuff - you will unlock it.

 

She is behaving childishly. This will stop her behavior and by stopping the behavior, she will soon stop the thoughts.

 

Thanks for the good ideas. There is a slight conflict between what you and the other poster say who said to not bribe her. I know it's not a science, but one can never be sure when bribery works in relationships.

 

It seems as if any efforts (whether passive or active) I make to prevent her from indulging in this "obsession" of hers result in her only going on deeper searches for things relating to my past.

 

Have I done things to make her feel secure? Absolutely. With respect to things pertaining to my ex-wife, I have assured her many times that she shouldn't have to be subjected to any old photos, cards, letters, etc. And that I will be happy to stash that stuff away in storage or in some location (or perhaps throw it away or give it away) where she won't have to concern herself with it. However, she willfully continues to search for other stuff as if she's on a masochistic streak.

 

Interesting you mention "lock" her out of my computer. I've thought about locking her out of my filing cabinet and/or the office altogether. She hasn't twisted this around and accused me of not trusting her, but she hounds me on the subject and just won't let it go.

[reservoirdog1]

No advice man, except to say that I sympathize. I HATE that kind of thing. My last GF gave me a lot of this... when she was feeling down, she'd get up in the middle of the night while I was asleep, and go look on my computer. If she found something (e.g. a year-old email from a woman I dated before I ever met my GF), she'd wake me from a dead sleep and I'd have to launch into the assurance routine with her.

 

I agree that partners have to make each other feel secure in the relationship, but JESUS...

 

I also agree that an ultimatum ("I'm not discussing this with you again, PERIOD) would be good, but it could also blow up in your face. All of a sudden you'll be the bad guy because you're suggesting that her feelings are unreasonable. And NO woman wants to hear that.

 

Sounds like your wife needs counselling -- what you're describing borders on pathological obsession.

[2sure]

To be honest, if I were with a "sentimental" type man, a person who kept all of those little things...it would bug me. I understand that the pictures are not out, etc...but honestly? The fact that he was still attached to them, did not toss 95% of them would make me feel a bit threatened. Especially if I were a new, youngish bride. That you did not toss them prior to her moving in has made her somehow feel threatened.

 

Why did your first marriage end? If your ex left, maybe the new wife feels threatened by that?

 

In any case, you have to stop this behavior because it will evolve into be jealous of other imaginary things like a new receptionist in your office, or a friend at a high school reunion.

[Gerhard]

To be honest, if I were with a "sentimental" type man, a person who kept all of those little things...it would bug me. I understand that the pictures are not out, etc...but honestly? The fact that he was still attached to them, did not toss 95% of them would make me feel a bit threatened. Especially if I were a new, youngish bride. That you did not toss them prior to her moving in has made her somehow feel threatened.

 

Why did your first marriage end? If your ex left, maybe the new wife feels threatened by that?

 

In any case, you have to stop this behavior because it will evolve into be jealous of other imaginary things like a new receptionist in your office, or a friend at a high school reunion.

I'm not as concerned with what happens to artifacts or momentos from my previous relationship as I am concerned with the health of my new relationship. But letting her throw away old photos, cards or letters she stumbles upon doesn't put the issue to rest. She insists that there must be more stuff and has conveyed in certain words that she will search every corner of the house until she "cleanses" it out.

 

I don't care so much about the cleansing, but I do care about her having an unhealthy obsession. And I just don't know what to do about it.

[Gerhard]

No advice man, except to say that I sympathize. I HATE that kind of thing. My last GF gave me a lot of this... when she was feeling down, she'd get up in the middle of the night while I was asleep, and go look on my computer. If she found something (e.g. a year-old email from a woman I dated before I ever met my GF), she'd wake me from a dead sleep and I'd have to launch into the assurance routine with her.

 

I agree that partners have to make each other feel secure in the relationship, but JESUS...

 

I also agree that an ultimatum ("I'm not discussing this with you again, PERIOD) would be good, but it could also blow up in your face. All of a sudden you'll be the bad guy because you're suggesting that her feelings are unreasonable. And NO woman wants to hear that.

 

Sounds like your wife needs counselling -- what you're describing borders on pathological obsession.

Thanks for sharing. It's like they can kill their jealousy/fears by either destroying past momentos or interrogating you for an explanation. But by doing that, the jealousy/fears are still there. The tree has to be cut at the root, not at the base of the branch that caused her to have a fit over that one year old email. That's what I'm dealing with.

[manugeorge]

She doesn't trust you, for whatever reason period!. She doesn't trust you to love her without expunging every trace of your past romantic life.

 

That's someone with issues up the wazoo. Get thee to counseling and fast because if things are this bad merely 2 years in, you are looking at a lifetime of misery.

[reservoirdog1]

She doesn't trust you, for whatever reason period!. She doesn't trust you to love her without expunging every trace of your past romantic life.

 

That's someone with issues up the wazoo. Get thee to counseling and fast because if things are this bad merely 2 years in, you are looking at a lifetime of misery.

 

Agreed. Right before I ended things last year with my XGF, I looked into the future and that's exactly what I foresaw. We'd been together for about two years by that point.

 

And we'd already both seen counsellors, together and separately, a number of times. And we'd had half a dozen near-breakups in the previous six months.

 

Marriages, life partnerships, etc. are going to have their ups and downs. But that much complete turbulence was a MASSIVE red flag in my case. Sounds like it is in yours, as well.

[TaraMaiden]

This seems to me to be a complete betrayal of your love for her, it is crass, immature and manipulative. She is behaving badly because you permit her to act like a spoilt child.

well, in this case. I see no solution but to treat her like a spoilt child.

tell her you think you should separate and she needs counselling.

if she will not go, you will have to consider your relationship carefully because her behaviour is irrational and back-to-front. you would expect a modicum of resentment before marriage, but afterwards, when you are promised to each other it would abate....

Ask her what she thinks the root of her problem is.

Tell her that abuse of your property is a violation of your space and you will not tolerate it.

She has absolutely no right to do this.

How would she feel if you went thorugh all her belongings and trashed them, because possibly another boyfriend had bought them for her, or maybe she had gifts given to her by them?

 

She needs psychological help.

Really.

This is what they call the bunny-boiler in reverse!!

 

She has to know she has overstepped the line. And so far, you have not communicated this to her effectively enough.

[Gerhard]

I appreciate everyone's feedback and included are some very good ideas on how to handle the situation. I especially like the idea of asking her what she thinks is the root of the problem and to make it clear that I am done with this.

 

My wife also gets upset with the idea that I might take her on a vacation or day trip to a place that I went to with my ex-wife. Aaaaaaaaaarrrrgh!

 

Someone asked about how my ex-wife and I split up. It was somewhat mutual, but my ex-wife was the one who ultimately moved out.

 

Among the things I've considered doing are:

 

Putting a lock on the door to one of the extra rooms and denying her access.

Locking some cabinet/room/closet/drawer - regardless of whether or not there is anything in there she might want to destroy and deny her access until she drops the issue.

Simply walk out of the house anytime she starts on her obsession. (but after I do that a few times, I suspect it will lose its effectiveness)

Refuse to buy her certain things she's asked for until she cools off.

Use repetitive language and put her on a guilt trip by telling her she's being disrespectful and is hurting me.

 

I'm not sure how she would react to each of these things, so perhaps the others in here could offer feedback.

[reservoirdog1]

She may be partly in the right in one respect: if you're keeping mementos of previous wives/GFs, that could make her understandably uncomfortable.

 

But her behaviour in response to that is extreme, bordering on psychotic.

 

I don't like the locking-her-out-of-things idea, whether a room in your home, the computer, whatever. Firstly, relationships should be an open book. Partners aren't supposed to have secrets from each other. Secondly -- you shouldn't HAVE to lock her out of anything. She should have enough restraint and self-control to not keep dredging up irrelevant things from the past. She needs professional help.

[Gerhard]

She may be partly in the right in one respect: if you're keeping mementos of previous wives/GFs, that could make her understandably uncomfortable.

That part I understand and I do my part by stashing the stuff away in boxes out of sight. But she still goes out of her way to look for things. Thus the primary concern, which is her compulsion/obsession. I need to figure out a way to put this in check, not only for the sanity of our relationship, but so she can be focused on more important things.

 

But her behaviour in response to that is extreme, bordering on psychotic.

 

I don't like the locking-her-out-of-things idea, whether a room in your home, the computer, whatever. Firstly, relationships should be an open book. Partners aren't supposed to have secrets from each other. Secondly -- you shouldn't HAVE to lock her out of anything. She should have enough restraint and self-control to not keep dredging up irrelevant things from the past. She needs professional help.

I'm not yet ready to insist on her getting professional help. Perhaps I should give her an ultimatum that she either stop or it's professional help. Or perhaps it's either stop or I put a lock on some of the doors.

 

I don't want to do anything to hurt her, but by willfully digging through things looking for remnants of my previous relationships, she's hurting herself. And that needs to stop.

[TaraMaiden]

That part I understand and I do my part by stashing the stuff away in boxes out of sight. But she still goes out of her way to look for things. Thus the primary concern, which is her compulsion/obsession. I need to figure out a way to put this in check, not only for the sanity of our relationship, but so she can be focused on more important things.

OK. Sorry to say this, but we are not getting through to you.

You are supporting her behaviour by accepting it and doing nothing.

Everything you have said you do, does not work. Many things we have suggested, you are resisting.

Yet above, you clearly admit that her berhaviour is compulsive/obsessive.

This is not something that will diappear or that you yourself can cure.

This sounds to me as if matters have progressed a long way beyound, "stop it dear or else...." (Or else what?)

 

 

I'm not yet ready to insist on her getting professional help. Perhaps I should give her an ultimatum that she either stop or it's professional help. Or perhaps it's either stop or I put a lock on some of the doors.

Why are you not ready yet to get professional help?? She has already manifested irrational and unreasonable behaviour in her obsession. Such behaviour truly is not normal... and her anger and aggressiveness at the possibility of even going to places you went to with your ex- are simply frightening.

This will progressively become a lot worse if you insist on refusing to face facts. Your young wife has psychotic tendencies. And you are doing nothing to help.

Why don't YOU approach a professional and ask him or her if this is normal? My guess is that they will reply - "bring her in to see me"!

 

I don't want to do anything to hurt her, but by willfully digging through things looking for remnants of my previous relationships, she's hurting herself. And that needs to stop.

By doing nothing to hurt her, you are hurting her. You are enabling her behaviour.

And in hurting herself, you are fully supportive.

Your passive attitude is not beneficial in this case.

You need to be proactive to get this dealt with.

Or else, you may find yourself eventually visiting her in a psychiatric ward.

I am not joking.

This sounds truly worrying.

Please, don't just sit there complaining, protesting and prevaricating.

Do something about this, now.

[sugarmomma]

Did your first wife divorce you because of an affair? Were you alreadu in a relationship when you met the current wife?

 

It has to be something that has caused these feelings in her. It just sounds like something is missing from this story.

[giotto]

How old is she? 10? For God's sake!

[Admiral]

* She spends a lot of her free time perusing through old computer files and hard copy files searching for anything that has to do with my ex-wife. * If she finds something (such as old birthday cards, photos, invitations, etc.) to do with my ex-wife, she tears it up and throws it away without consulting me. I have made it clear to her that if she finds anything she doesn't want in the household, bring it to my attention and we'll make a joint decision as to how to dispose of it.

 

Do not EVER let a women disrespect you like this by doing this to your property.

 

Tell her to quit it, if she doesn't, leave her.

[manugeorge]

 

I'm not yet ready to insist on her getting professional help. Perhaps I should give her an ultimatum that she either stop or it's professional help. Or perhaps it's either stop or I put a lock on some of the doors.

 

I don't want to do anything to hurt her, but by willfully digging through things looking for remnants of my previous relationships, she's hurting herself. And that needs to stop.

 

Actually I think I see what's really going on here. You and your wife have an arrangement, a weird co-dependent arrangement. It seems, from all your protests, that you do enjoy her acting like a child. You *NEED* her to act the way she is because she is feeding something in you that likes being a "father figure".

 

You don't think it's bizzare that a grown woman(assuming) is turning the house upside down like a restless dog, desperately seeking traces of a long gone ex. You don't think that behavior is bizzare enough to seek immediate professional help. Instead, you are asking us if you should lock the doors, refuse to buy her things, or guilt trip her. Are you serious???

 

She is not the only one who needs counseling, you do too. It's called enabling.

[Gerhard]

Actually I think I see what's really going on here. You and your wife have an arrangement, a weird co-dependent arrangement. It seems, from all your protests, that you do enjoy her acting like a child. You *NEED* her to act the way she is because she is feeding something in you that likes being a "father figure".

 

You don't think it's bizzare that a grown woman(assuming) is turning the house upside down like a restless dog, desperately seeking traces of a long gone ex. You don't think that behavior is bizzare enough to seek immediate professional help. Instead, you are asking us if you should lock the doors, refuse to buy her things, or guilt trip her. Are you serious???

 

She is not the only one who needs counseling, you do too. It's called enabling.

 

I'd like to think she could be mature and adult-like about these things and not raise such a fuss when she comes across something to do with my ex.

 

I'd like to put my foot down and do things like restrict her access to certain parts of the house or perhaps stop doing something for her that I usually do. But I have tried things like this at a very basic level and it doesn't work.

 

She puts me in situations where I have to stretch the truth or outright lie to her. For example, she'll pick up some old display item or souvenir collectible and ask who it belonged to, me or my ex-wife. As it's been in the house since my ex left, it belongs to the house. But if I want to keep it, I have to tell my wife with strong emphasis that it was mine. If I say nothing or tell her that I believed it was a gift for my ex-wife or perhaps something my ex-wife bought for the house, then I can expect my wife to get rid of it.

 

She has found files on the computer, brought them to my attention and insisted that they be deleted. She persists and persists, so I make backups and then to get her to shut up, I make copies and then delete the files in front of her. If I didn't let her see the files getting deleted, she would just go on and on. Now I still have copies of these files, she doesn't know about it and I don't feel good about being secretive. But the net result is that it seems to help her stop her compulsion/obsession when she sees the stuff get deleted. However, I'm having second thoughts about this.

[Gerhard]

OK. Sorry to say this, but we are not getting through to you.

You are supporting her behaviour by accepting it and doing nothing.

Everything you have said you do, does not work. Many things we have suggested, you are resisting.

Yet above, you clearly admit that her berhaviour is compulsive/obsessive.

This is not something that will diappear or that you yourself can cure.

This sounds to me as if matters have progressed a long way beyound, "stop it dear or else...." (Or else what?)

You seem like a seasoned veteran here. My temptation with an ultimatum is to threaten to stop doing things for her that she is used to or to put off getting something for her that I have promised. Doing nothing or asking her to not mention my ex-wife ever again when she mentions my ex-wife does nothing. I've also thought about locking a cabinet/drawer/closet, etc and telling her I'm not going to allow her access until she drops this obsession for a solid six months (or something like that). We haven't yet discussed counseling, but after reading the posts in here, I am leaning on insisting that she get counseling the next time she has a flare up. However, I'm 99% sure she'll refuse to go for counseling. Should I wait until another flare-up? Perhaps I should make some prints of old photos of me & my ex-wife, put them in a box, show them to her and insist that they not be destroyed. Perhaps I should lock her out of a certain part of the house (closet/drawer/cabinet/safe) and not let her in unless she goes in for counseling. I might want to add that she doesn't raise her voice, doesn't get violent and is very calm. She just goes into a quiet funk and usually snaps out of it within a few hours. What do you think?

 

Why are you not ready yet to get professional help?? She has already manifested irrational and unreasonable behaviour in her obsession. Such behaviour truly is not normal... and her anger and aggressiveness at the possibility of even going to places you went to with your ex- are simply frightening.

This will progressively become a lot worse if you insist on refusing to face facts. Your young wife has psychotic tendencies. And you are doing nothing to help.

Why don't YOU approach a professional and ask him or her if this is normal? My guess is that they will reply - "bring her in to see me"!

 

 

By doing nothing to hurt her, you are hurting her. You are enabling her behaviour.

And in hurting herself, you are fully supportive.

Your passive attitude is not beneficial in this case.

You need to be proactive to get this dealt with.

Or else, you may find yourself eventually visiting her in a psychiatric ward.

I am not joking.

This sounds truly worrying.

Please, don't just sit there complaining, protesting and prevaricating.

Do something about this, now.

 

I'll let you know how this goes. But I'm leaning on insisting on counseling next time she has a flare up.

[TaraMaiden]

I'd like to think she could be mature and adult-like about these things and not raise such a fuss when she comes across something to do with my ex.

 

I'd like to put my foot down and do things like restrict her access to certain parts of the house or perhaps stop doing something for her that I usually do. But I have tried things like this at a very basic level and it doesn't work.

You'd like to... but 'this'.... you'd like to...but 'that'.. It seems that you are half0-heartedly and tentatively considering some passive options, but this is not working, is it...?

 

She puts me in situations where I have to stretch the truth or outright lie to her. For example, she'll pick up some old display item or souvenir collectible and ask who it belonged to, me or my ex-wife. As it's been in the house since my ex left, it belongs to the house. But if I want to keep it, I have to tell my wife with strong emphasis that it was mine. If I say nothing or tell her that I believed it was a gift for my ex-wife or perhaps something my ex-wife bought for the house, then I can expect my wife to get rid of it.

Again, by lying, you are compounding the problem. By being dishonest with her, you are merely placating her attitude, not eliminating it...

 

She has found files on the computer, brought them to my attention and insisted that they be deleted. She persists and persists, so I make backups and then to get her to shut up, I make copies and then delete the files in front of her. If I didn't let her see the files getting deleted, she would just go on and on. Now I still have copies of these files, she doesn't know about it and I don't feel good about being secretive.

 

More lying... more 'permitting behaviour'... whatever your motivations, you are misguidedly simply placating the situation and delaying an explosion.

But the net result is that it seems to help her stop her compulsion/obsession when she sees the stuff get deleted. However, I'm having second thoughts about this.

Good. I hate to say this, and I do not mean to be unkind, but manugeorge actually has a very salient point. In many ways, due to her being so much younger than you - therte is a 'parent-child' dynamic at play here....

She throws tantrums and you do whatever you can to remove the symptom. But the tantrums will remain, becauyse you have failed to address the cause.

 

You seem like a seasoned veteran here. My temptation with an ultimatum is to threaten to stop doing things for her that she is used to or to put off getting something for her that I have promised. Doing nothing or asking her to not mention my ex-wife ever again when she mentions my ex-wife does nothing

This is just childish. you really are acting like the daddy here. if you don't stop kicking the cat, I will not take you to the funfair, you bad girl....

Very foolish....

 

I've also thought about locking a cabinet/drawer/closet, etc and telling her I'm not going to allow her access until she drops this obsession for a solid six months (or something like that).

You have stated yourself that you have no control over her actions when you are not in the house.

Does she know how to use a crowbar?

 

We haven't yet discussed counseling, but after reading the posts in here, I am leaning on insisting that she get counseling the next time she has a flare up. However, I'm 99% sure she'll refuse to go for counseling

.

Well make it a condition of your relationship.

If she refuses, then you see no option than to separate.

And mean it.

book a date for her to move out, look for apartments for her, contact a furniture removals firm, tell her to choose her belongings only, and get ready to leave....... make every gesture necessary to make her believe you will carry out your threat.

because believe it or not, you must.

This again, sounds like the parent telling a child that unless they behave themselves, then Father Christmas will not call... ridiculous! as if aprents will carry out such a threat! How stupid to say this! It is a hollow threat because the children know it is idiocy.

So if you say something, you have to mean it....

 

Should I wait until another flare-up? Perhaps I should make some prints of old photos of me & my ex-wife, put them in a box, show them to her and insist that they not be destroyed. Perhaps I should lock her out of a certain part of the house (closet/drawer/cabinet/safe) and not let her in unless she goes in for counseling. I might want to add that she doesn't raise her voice, doesn't get violent and is very calm. She just goes into a quiet funk and usually snaps out of it within a few hours. What do you think?

I think there are too many perhaps followed by futile ideas. All the "tried this, it didn't work last time, but let me see if I can try it again...."

Is there not a saying about insanity is repeating the same behaviour many times and hoping for a different result?

 

It is immaterial HOW she reacts. The fact that she reacts this way at all is highly irregular and really bizarre.

 

 

I'll let you know how this goes. But I'm leaning on insisting on counseling next time she has a flare up.

Don't wait for the next flare-up.

Tackle the situation before this happens, because between now and the necxt time, you will lose heart.

Sit her down and tell her... "I have been thinking.... and it has gone on long enough, so here is what is going to happen......."