New wife is having jealousy and trust issues

[Gerhard]

I didn't read every reply, but I wish I had read this back in May.

 

Take the day off work. Go through every drawer and box and carton in your house WITH your wife present. When you find a card, read through it together, tell her how it makes you feel now, how it made you feel then, and discuss together why you may want to keep it or why it threatens her.

I've given her the freedom to go through the house and identify the things she wants to get rid of. However, if she finds a card/photo, etc that she wants to get rid of and I don't, then it creates a problem.

 

As for the CDs, if it is music you don't like or listen to, then get rid of the damn things. Why are you making this more difficult.

My value system with respect to CDs is I keep them whether I like the music or not. A lot of my older CDs are music I don't quite care for as much anymore. But I'd only get rid of them if there were someone in particular I wanted to give them to. Kind of like a DVD movie you've seen five times. Give it to a friend and they'll give you one of their old DVDs. Why destroy it when there are others out there who might enjoy it?

 

I kept a great deal of things like cards, photos, trip reminders from my XH. But I have a son, and I want very much for my son to remember the good times of our married family life, and those things are mainly for him to see that his dad and I loved each other and had great fun together at times.

 

if I had no child, then I suspect I would have gotten rid of about 95% of it. I can hold the memories in my heart - I don't need to see ten Valentine's cards from ten different Valentine's to know that the man used to love me.

Who knows what the future holds in store for me. Among the reasons I prefer to keep some photos of me and my ex-wife is because at some point down the road I might have someone who is interested in the history of my life. And how is that person going to feel when I'm not able to show a photo of me with my first wife?

 

I am starting to believe that your stubbornness in keeping so many of these things is because you are reluctant to let go of your XW. Your current wife knows this, and is acting inappropriately in her distress.

Let go of her in what way? I won't let go of that stage of my life. But I've already let go of any emotional feeling or attachment for/to her. That's why I get upset when my current wife repeatedly mocks her, makes fun of her or teases me about her.

[Gerhard]

I just read some more of your replies, and I have to ask - do you love your wife?

Of course I love my wife.

 

You sound very distant and cold about her.

Ever taken a statistics class? What you're getting from me is a controlled sample. I've only elaborated on the things she does that create problems. Well over 90% of the time our relationship is very loving, harmonious, balanced, etc.

 

Why did you marry her? What are the things about her that enamoured you? Why the haste in remarrying?

1. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her

2. Far too many to get into

3. Do you mean remarrying in general or to marry my current wife. Remarrying in general - because I prefer a married lifestyle to a single lifestyle. Haste in marrying my current wife - immigration laws.

[JustLooking123]

I'll agree I didn't come into this with the capability of dealing with it properly. I've been in counseling, gone to support groups and spoke with professionals. While they all agree that negotiating with my wife over throwing away things in exchange for her doing (or not doing) something is wrong, they clearly see the wrongs in her behavior and are very firm with me that I should cease to cave in to her unreasonable demands. Some have mentioned the room by room sweep of the home and I've given my wife the freedom to do that, collect the stuff and then we'll go through it. But since my wife has shown poor judgement as to what should be gotten rid of (she's tried to throw away souvenir collectibles of mine that had nothing to do with my ex), I have insisted that she run things by me before throwing something away.

 

Talking to "professionals" is nowhere near equivalent to undergoing therapy. You're missing the point.

 

I think that you have issues. The situation with your wife is only bringing them out. You shouldn't "talk to professionals" just because your marriage is in trouble, you should get to the root of your need for control and the dysfunctional parent complex you exhibit.

 

If you make it all about her, you're ignoring the only part of the problem that you can control (i.e. YOU).

[Gerhard]

Talking to "professionals" is nowhere near equivalent to undergoing therapy. You're missing the point.

 

I think that you have issues. The situation with your wife is only bringing them out. You shouldn't "talk to professionals" just because your marriage is in trouble, you should get to the root of your need for control and the dysfunctional parent complex you exhibit.

 

If you make it all about her, you're ignoring the only part of the problem that you can control (i.e. YOU).

I've been in counseling/therapy before, and I know how to find a good therapist. If that were the difficult part, I would have started a thread on that topic.

 

The difficult part is either how to deal with someone who is doing the kind of irrational things that my wife is doing or how to get her to stop that kind of behavior without doing too much damage to the relationship.

 

I do notice that you think I have a need for control. So I'd like to ask what you would do if you had a mate who insisted on destroying things that in your value system were things that shouldn't be destroyed? I don't know much about you, but let's say you were on your dance team in high school and were very proud of your accomplishments. You saved all your photos of your dance team. Then you ended up marrying your head choreographer and he was in all the dance team photos. Then you and him got divorced, you remarried and your new husband either destroyed those photos or demanded that you destroy them? You and others in here seem to advocate in that situation an action of allowing your husband the freedom to destroy them at will. Or would you (and others in here) do everything within reason to attempt to get him to understand that's something you keep? And if he didn't understand you when you explained why you keep those things, what would you do?

[Gerhard]

Perhaps those who are attacking me will understand a little better if I say it this way. Let's say you're going into your second marriage. You climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro with a group of people that included your first spouse. The only photo you have of yourself at the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro is of you and your first spouse. Or perhaps you went to a U2 concert with your first spouse and you got your photo taken with Bono - yet your first spouse is in the photo with you. Going to the U2 concert was the best event you ever went to and climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro was your greatest accomplishment.

 

Now you get married to your second spouse. He/she insists you throw away the photos of you at the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro and with Bono at the U2 concert strictly because your first spouse was in those photos. You refuse to let your spouse throw those away and he/she begins to engage in irrational behavior and refuses to stop until you allow him/her to destroy the photos. Why would you not secretly make copies and simply let her destroy the photos?

 

Or let's say you went to the Super Bowl with your first spouse and your most prized souvenir possession is your ticket stub from that event. Your new spouse knows you went to the Super Bowl with your first spouse, finds the ticket stub and demands you throw it away. What would you do?

[wife]

My husband has a box. It contains photos, some have notes on the back of them, of his prom, his highschool years, and so forth. Frankly I respect his box and I enjoyed looking at his pictures, and reading his cute little notes.

 

However, as a woman, I must tell you that we do feel threatened at times, we do have our insecurities as well. My husband had a house with his first wife. a house. He was building a house with his second wife. NOw I understand, a bachelor that takes on a woman and her two children, and has a baby with her is on no financial position to buy or build her a house. But I often wish I could have that and sometimes I feel "not good enough" for it (ignorence to the fact we simply can't afford it). He went on a weeks vacation for his first honeymoon, a cruise for his second. We didn't have a honeymoon.

 

Since we moved in together (a new place neither of us have been), I have found a lot of his ex wife's belongings around. Their marriage licence, their wedding CD, her old checkbook... And suprisingly nothing at all from the first wife. His ex wife was still emailing him and calling him when we were first together. And he still gets emails from her at work every few months. Doese this bother me? You bet it doese. Every email from her has to be deleted. When I found stuff of hers, I'd lay it in plain view, assuming he'd throw it away. And did he throw it away? Yes. Wanna know why? I am his wife. He loves me. He respects me. He wants nothing to do with her. He doesn't care if he has season tickets and went to see the Patriots or Dallas Cowboys with her. When he married me, he took his life experiences, he took his mental notees and the places he came from, and he brought them with him, joining my own past, my own life, and together making our own memories. Doese he keep every card I ever give him? You bet he doese! Doese he have me on his wallpaper at work? You bet he doese! Not because I make him. Because I don't. But rather because he continues to compliment me, to make special little time with me even if it's watching a game together, sitting in the bathroom while I paint my nails and noticing how shiny my hair is and complimenting it. I have no reason to feel threatened or insecure, because he gives me enough dignity, enough respect and attention, enough compliments to make me feel special. And you know what? In return, I give him 110%. We have had our fights over "the ex wife". I have been the bad guy before, throwing out accusations and starting arguements. But you know, I didn't understand why he had a wedding CD in his truck, or their marriage licence in his drawer. He wasn't hanging onto it for momento. He clearly is a man that doesn't go through and have a burning party turning his house upside down and destroying everything he finds (like some women do after breakups)

He would tell me her name makes him sick to his stomach. THat she's ugly (I loved that one!) and psycho, mental, and he doesn't want her name spoken in our home. And if this were in fact the house they built, he would tell me it was only a house and I made it a home. If he comes across an email, a photo, something with her in it, he tells me about it and he deletes it or desposes of it. YOu can't live in the past at the expense of your future.

 

I'm not going to tell you you are a bad husband, or that you have a horrible wife. But I will tell you there is clearly something bothering her, and in reality it may not be your ex. Psychologically and justifyably, your wife may have an underlying need, problem, aggression, or built in insecurity and she is using this as a "focus". When in all reality, she has no clue she is going the wrong rout for the attention she needs.

 

If you sit her down, and say "Sweety, what is REALLY bothering you?" "What am I doing or not doing to make you feel loved, or taken care of emotionally, because, baby, I feel in my heart I am not providing the right things?" I bet that will open up an oppritunity for her to tell all. Your wife sounds like a wonderful woman. And women and men have different needs. Tell me something, are those U2 tickets worth more to you than your marriage? Is Mt. Z or that super bowl seriously the BEST memory/time you've ever had? Now look at your wife, and then answer that question. You're a smart husband, I can tell with reading your wording in your posts. You'll do anything for her right? Remember it's 100/100, not 50/50. I'm always reccomending the book DNA of Relationships. Because it's not really a book on relationships. It's a book on your self, and how to beat the fear cycle. Looks like you both have a few fears you need worked on. Good luck Mr.!

[wife]

I'd like to add, I noticed in a lot of your other posts and threads, that you mention your ex-wife a little more than you have to. Probably moreso than your current wife. Is there a reason for this? How long were you married? And how long ago? It would give me the impression that you are not emotionally or memoryably discconected from your ex, and your wife senses this. It's a woman's instinct, all mammals have it really. Do you remind her, just like you reminded us in one of your threads, that your house was once occompanied by "you and your ex-wife"? It's a cue choice on words. Instead of saying "she moved into this house that I allready owned" but instead, "she moved into a house that I accompanied with my ex-wife".... why the choice in wording, why unneccessarily mention your ex wife in your sentences?

[Untouchable_Fire]

I'd like to add, I noticed in a lot of your other posts and threads, that you mention your ex-wife a little more than you have to. Probably moreso than your current wife. Is there a reason for this? How long were you married? And how long ago? It would give me the impression that you are not emotionally or memoryably discconected from your ex, and your wife senses this. It's a woman's instinct, all mammals have it really. Do you remind her, just like you reminded us in one of your threads, that your house was once occompanied by "you and your ex-wife"? It's a cue choice on words. Instead of saying "she moved into this house that I allready owned" but instead, "she moved into a house that I accompanied with my ex-wife".... why the choice in wording, why unneccessarily mention your ex wife in your sentences?

 

You realize that you have a problem right? You feel insecure about things that are clearly illogical, and yet cannot stop yourself.

 

You instead try to placate that feeling by being controlling with your husband.

 

I mean seriously... you find something his ex wife owned... then you drag it out in front of him (to rub his nose in it like a bad puppy), then force him to throw it away.

 

As a guy, I can tell you that I would get tired of that real fast.

[wife]

I resent your bashing and accusations about being insecure and controlling. Particularily when you have not read an entire post word for word, but scanned what you want to read and make impulsive reaction to insult the poster.

 

But according to all your threads and posts, such as this one...

 

I have one in particular I am looking to smash cakes with. Any guys have experience with Canadian women? I have heard that due to cultural pressures they tend to be very easy to score with. Any truth to this?

 

...you don't seem to be the type of guy that would keep a girl around anyway. Or vice versa. perhaps your five hundred previous relationships resulted in you making up a reason to "get tired of her real fast" to move on to new booty.

 

In addition, OP is obviously asking for input. Not an arguement started in his thread, but THANKS for the open invitation!

[Untouchable_Fire]

I resent your bashing and accusations about being insecure and controlling. Particularily when you have not read an entire post word for word, but scanned what you want to read and make impulsive reaction to insult the poster.

But according to all your threads and posts, such as this one...

...you don't seem to be the type of guy that would keep a girl around anyway. Or vice versa. perhaps your five hundred previous relationships resulted in you making up a reason to "get tired of her real fast" to move on to new booty.

In addition, OP is obviously asking for input. Not an arguement started in his thread, but THANKS for the open invitation!

 

I read your post, and I've read Gerhard's too.

 

Gerhard's wife is off her rocker and he knows it. Her obsession with his past keeps him from moving on. Plus, she seems to have either a double standard, or likes to play revenge type mind games. In short she is a crazy woman, who should be in massive therapy.

 

So, how are your actions different? How are you not controlling? I cited specific examples from your post. A reply of "no I'm not", without any anecdotes or evidence gains no traction with me.

 

You took the same approach with me that I assume you take with your man on a leash. Instead of constructively engaging me, you try to change the topic to me. That's you trying to gain control.

 

That date went really well BTW!

[mem11363]

G,

As for putting away the stuff she is obsessing about that sounds like a good compromise.

 

As for her relentless focus on going to places you have visited with your ex-wife, that is simply and absolutely over the top crazy. Because it seems like if you take her anywhere nice, the very first step in the process is convincing her that location has not been tainted by a prior trip with her nemesis.

 

I do think you are a little bit conflicted about her behavior. Mostly you really dislike it and find it draining. But at least a small part of you is flattered that a young - hot - woman is this crazy about you to act like this. It is in an odd and dysfunctional way a compliment. Though I believe one that you now find quite tiresome.

 

I do find one think very interesting. You are clearly the alpha in this marriage. She loves you more - she is obessessed about you - etc. And yet, while you do many of the things an alpha does to punish the beta when they are naughty, you haven't insisted - demanded - the one thing that would likely resolve this. MC. I know it is hard to force that - but she does need pro help and I think you know that.

 

You deeply love a crazy person. You aren't the first. And she - knowing she is being crazy and unable to stop herself does NOT want some therapist poking around in her head.

 

 

 

Very well said. However, there have been some good faith disagreements between us with respect to what should remain and what should go. With respect to the stuff she wants to go and I want to keep, I offer to put it somewhere where she won't have to see it and she seems to be comfortable with that. As for not taking her places I took my ex, I can't do that unless we move to an entirely different part of the country. First, we're in the same house I was with my ex, my wife is new to the area and during the time I was with my ex, I went with her to virtually every interesting place within an hour or two from my home. And if we move to an entirely different part of the country, she still has to deal with the fact that she'll be with the person who spent a lot of time with my ex.

 

In a nutshell, there is no way of her escaping my ex. But there is hope that she can come to accept that I have a past and I don't let it affect our present.

[mem11363]

Wife,

This is a fantastic post. The best in this thread. Your man is quite lucky. G, the post below is very much the core of this. I cannot imagine being divorced from my wife. If however she left me, and I remarried, and new wife had profound issue with my old mementos, I would without reservation have put my mementos in one container and put it away - away. Like maybe given it to my sister to hold. End of conflict about that.

 

I still think, insecure or not (and I agree with wife that some of her insecurity comes straight from you) that her intense focus on places you visited with xw reflects a serious mental issue.

 

Gerhard,

Do you still love, are you still in love with your ex-wife?

 

 

 

My husband has a box. It contains photos, some have notes on the back of them, of his prom, his highschool years, and so forth. Frankly I respect his box and I enjoyed looking at his pictures, and reading his cute little notes.

 

However, as a woman, I must tell you that we do feel threatened at times, we do have our insecurities as well. My husband had a house with his first wife. a house. He was building a house with his second wife. NOw I understand, a bachelor that takes on a woman and her two children, and has a baby with her is on no financial position to buy or build her a house. But I often wish I could have that and sometimes I feel "not good enough" for it (ignorence to the fact we simply can't afford it). He went on a weeks vacation for his first honeymoon, a cruise for his second. We didn't have a honeymoon.

 

Since we moved in together (a new place neither of us have been), I have found a lot of his ex wife's belongings around. Their marriage licence, their wedding CD, her old checkbook... And suprisingly nothing at all from the first wife. His ex wife was still emailing him and calling him when we were first together. And he still gets emails from her at work every few months. Doese this bother me? You bet it doese. Every email from her has to be deleted. When I found stuff of hers, I'd lay it in plain view, assuming he'd throw it away. And did he throw it away? Yes. Wanna know why? I am his wife. He loves me. He respects me. He wants nothing to do with her. He doesn't care if he has season tickets and went to see the Patriots or Dallas Cowboys with her. When he married me, he took his life experiences, he took his mental notees and the places he came from, and he brought them with him, joining my own past, my own life, and together making our own memories. Doese he keep every card I ever give him? You bet he doese! Doese he have me on his wallpaper at work? You bet he doese! Not because I make him. Because I don't. But rather because he continues to compliment me, to make special little time with me even if it's watching a game together, sitting in the bathroom while I paint my nails and noticing how shiny my hair is and complimenting it. I have no reason to feel threatened or insecure, because he gives me enough dignity, enough respect and attention, enough compliments to make me feel special. And you know what? In return, I give him 110%. We have had our fights over "the ex wife". I have been the bad guy before, throwing out accusations and starting arguements. But you know, I didn't understand why he had a wedding CD in his truck, or their marriage licence in his drawer. He wasn't hanging onto it for momento. He clearly is a man that doesn't go through and have a burning party turning his house upside down and destroying everything he finds (like some women do after breakups)

He would tell me her name makes him sick to his stomach. THat she's ugly (I loved that one!) and psycho, mental, and he doesn't want her name spoken in our home. And if this were in fact the house they built, he would tell me it was only a house and I made it a home. If he comes across an email, a photo, something with her in it, he tells me about it and he deletes it or desposes of it. YOu can't live in the past at the expense of your future.

 

I'm not going to tell you you are a bad husband, or that you have a horrible wife. But I will tell you there is clearly something bothering her, and in reality it may not be your ex. Psychologically and justifyably, your wife may have an underlying need, problem, aggression, or built in insecurity and she is using this as a "focus". When in all reality, she has no clue she is going the wrong rout for the attention she needs.

 

If you sit her down, and say "Sweety, what is REALLY bothering you?" "What am I doing or not doing to make you feel loved, or taken care of emotionally, because, baby, I feel in my heart I am not providing the right things?" I bet that will open up an oppritunity for her to tell all. Your wife sounds like a wonderful woman. And women and men have different needs. Tell me something, are those U2 tickets worth more to you than your marriage? Is Mt. Z or that super bowl seriously the BEST memory/time you've ever had? Now look at your wife, and then answer that question. You're a smart husband, I can tell with reading your wording in your posts. You'll do anything for her right? Remember it's 100/100, not 50/50. I'm always reccomending the book DNA of Relationships. Because it's not really a book on relationships. It's a book on your self, and how to beat the fear cycle. Looks like you both have a few fears you need worked on. Good luck Mr.!

[Gerhard]

My husband has a box. It contains photos, some have notes on the back of them, of his prom, his highschool years, and so forth. Frankly I respect his box and I enjoyed looking at his pictures, and reading his cute little notes.

 

However, as a woman, I must tell you that we do feel threatened at times, we do have our insecurities as well. My husband had a house with his first wife. a house. He was building a house with his second wife. NOw I understand, a bachelor that takes on a woman and her two children, and has a baby with her is on no financial position to buy or build her a house. But I often wish I could have that and sometimes I feel "not good enough" for it (ignorence to the fact we simply can't afford it). He went on a weeks vacation for his first honeymoon, a cruise for his second. We didn't have a honeymoon.

 

Since we moved in together (a new place neither of us have been), I have found a lot of his ex wife's belongings around. Their marriage licence, their wedding CD, her old checkbook... And suprisingly nothing at all from the first wife. His ex wife was still emailing him and calling him when we were first together. And he still gets emails from her at work every few months. Doese this bother me? You bet it doese. Every email from her has to be deleted. When I found stuff of hers, I'd lay it in plain view, assuming he'd throw it away. And did he throw it away? Yes. Wanna know why? I am his wife. He loves me. He respects me. He wants nothing to do with her. He doesn't care if he has season tickets and went to see the Patriots or Dallas Cowboys with her. When he married me, he took his life experiences, he took his mental notees and the places he came from, and he brought them with him, joining my own past, my own life, and together making our own memories. Doese he keep every card I ever give him? You bet he doese! Doese he have me on his wallpaper at work? You bet he doese! Not because I make him. Because I don't. But rather because he continues to compliment me, to make special little time with me even if it's watching a game together, sitting in the bathroom while I paint my nails and noticing how shiny my hair is and complimenting it. I have no reason to feel threatened or insecure, because he gives me enough dignity, enough respect and attention, enough compliments to make me feel special. And you know what? In return, I give him 110%. We have had our fights over "the ex wife". I have been the bad guy before, throwing out accusations and starting arguements. But you know, I didn't understand why he had a wedding CD in his truck, or their marriage licence in his drawer. He wasn't hanging onto it for momento. He clearly is a man that doesn't go through and have a burning party turning his house upside down and destroying everything he finds (like some women do after breakups)

He would tell me her name makes him sick to his stomach. THat she's ugly (I loved that one!) and psycho, mental, and he doesn't want her name spoken in our home. And if this were in fact the house they built, he would tell me it was only a house and I made it a home. If he comes across an email, a photo, something with her in it, he tells me about it and he deletes it or desposes of it. YOu can't live in the past at the expense of your future.

 

I'm not going to tell you you are a bad husband, or that you have a horrible wife. But I will tell you there is clearly something bothering her, and in reality it may not be your ex. Psychologically and justifyably, your wife may have an underlying need, problem, aggression, or built in insecurity and she is using this as a "focus". When in all reality, she has no clue she is going the wrong rout for the attention she needs.

 

If you sit her down, and say "Sweety, what is REALLY bothering you?" "What am I doing or not doing to make you feel loved, or taken care of emotionally, because, baby, I feel in my heart I am not providing the right things?" I bet that will open up an oppritunity for her to tell all. Your wife sounds like a wonderful woman. And women and men have different needs. Tell me something, are those U2 tickets worth more to you than your marriage? Is Mt. Z or that super bowl seriously the BEST memory/time you've ever had? Now look at your wife, and then answer that question. You're a smart husband, I can tell with reading your wording in your posts. You'll do anything for her right? Remember it's 100/100, not 50/50. I'm always reccomending the book DNA of Relationships. Because it's not really a book on relationships. It's a book on your self, and how to beat the fear cycle. Looks like you both have a few fears you need worked on. Good luck Mr.!

Thanks for sharing your story. If my wife asked nicely - rather than demanding or throwing away things on her own - I would feel she was showing me respect. But she either demands or rips the stuff up in front of my face. It's not so much about the artifacts from earlier stages of my life, but it's of her desire to exercise control. If it weren't issues concerning my ex-wife, it would be something else. So I'm refusing to cave in. If she wants to throw something away, I tell her she can - provided she gives me a good reason that we should throw it away.

 

I have asked her what really is bothering her and she gives me simple answers like, "I don't like", or "you're not a man of honor". So we can not get to the heart of the matter.

[Gerhard]

I'd like to add, I noticed in a lot of your other posts and threads, that you mention your ex-wife a little more than you have to. Probably moreso than your current wife. Is there a reason for this? How long were you married? And how long ago? It would give me the impression that you are not emotionally or memoryably discconected from your ex, and your wife senses this. It's a woman's instinct, all mammals have it really. Do you remind her, just like you reminded us in one of your threads, that your house was once occompanied by "you and your ex-wife"? It's a cue choice on words. Instead of saying "she moved into this house that I allready owned" but instead, "she moved into a house that I accompanied with my ex-wife".... why the choice in wording, why unneccessarily mention your ex wife in your sentences?

I impress upon my wife that there is to be no discussion about my ex-wife at all. When we first were getting to know each other, my wife and I had several healthy discussions about my past relationships. But that all changed when she found a message on my voice mail from my ex-wife and found some old photos lying around.

[Gerhard]

Wife,

This is a fantastic post. The best in this thread. Your man is quite lucky. G, the post below is very much the core of this. I cannot imagine being divorced from my wife. If however she left me, and I remarried, and new wife had profound issue with my old mementos, I would without reservation have put my mementos in one container and put it away - away. Like maybe given it to my sister to hold. End of conflict about that.

Unfortunately, while I desire to keep old momentos, I wasn't afforded the time to gather up every last item which had to do with my ex-wife. I either got rid of or put into storage some 90% of everything, but there were things left behind which I didn't know about or overlooked. Well, my wife found these things.

 

I'm an avid photographer and one of my rules of thumb is I don't throw away negatives. Not under any circumstances. My wife wants me to throw away some photo negatives and I've strictly told her no.

 

I still think, insecure or not (and I agree with wife that some of her insecurity comes straight from you) that her intense focus on places you visited with xw reflects a serious mental issue.

Maybe not a serious mental issue, but certainly a lack of security, a fear I'm going to abandon her or simply jealousy.

 

Gerhard,

Do you still love, are you still in love with your ex-wife?

No, I don't. I look back at that time of my life as a period of time I'm not willing to give up. Being forced to throw away momentos from that time frame is along the lines of forcing me to wipe my memory clear of that time of my life. I look back at that time of my life for the things I did as an individual and not as a couple. Given that my current wife keeps bringing up my ex-wife, it keeps me from giving my wife the focus she needs and deserves.

[2sunny]

I look back at that time of my life as a period of time I'm not willing to give up. Being forced to throw away momentos from that time frame is along the lines of forcing me to wipe my memory clear of that time of my life. I look back at that time of my life for the things I did as an individual and not as a couple. Given that my current wife keeps bringing up my ex-wife, it keeps me from giving my wife the focus she needs and deserves.

 

and what are you going to do about this? this is what i've been asking the whole thread - what are you going to do about it?

 

 

you can't sit around waiting for her to change - it's up to YOU to change things.

 

i think this is exactly what you don't get - it's up to you and you only.