New wife is having jealousy and trust issues

[mental_traveller]

Call the police and have her prosecuted for criminal damage, then sue her for the loss of effects. It goes without saying that you need to divorce her immediately (try to get the marriage annulled) and throw her out of the house. Hire a good attorney.

 

Your problem is that you are acting like a pussy, and you have no clue about relationships. If you can't see she is a psychotic freak who will ruin your life, then you almost deserve the lifetime of misery and financial ruin she will subject you to. For god's sake don't get her pregnant.

[jj33]

How can you lock your wife out of a room in your house? That doesnt sound like a way to make her feel like you are committed to her - if it were me I would wonder why you needed a locked room full of things that I couldnt see.

 

The idea of not buying her certain things she wants until she stops sounds like you are punishing a child, maybe thats just me, but it sounds very controlling. You hold the purse strings so you make the rules? I wouldnt suggest that either if what you want is a marriage between equals.

 

Maybe counseling would help? Thats the only thing that would allow her a voice and you a voice and a neutral person to help her parse out the issues. It would also serve to have a neutral third party explaining to her that this obsession has no place in the marriage or perhaps to alert you to things that may be triggering this obsession.

 

She may compare herself to your wife unfavorably and is doing this to mask her insecurities.

 

The idea that you may go somewhere you have been with your exwife is ridiculous on the one hand and understandable on the other. What if you went to Paris with your wife and went to the top of the Eifeel Tower together. Does that mean she wouldnt want to go there with you?

 

Of course you have a host of memories and experiences with your ex. They are part of what make you the man you are today. Your wife has less of these experiences. And perhaps if you went somewhere you might remember having been there before but you would be there now with your current wife making your own memory - and it wont be a good one if she spends the entire time complaining that you were there before. Same with restaurants etc.

[bean1]

Call the police and have her prosecuted for criminal damage, then sue her for the loss of effects.

 

I don't think OP would do this, but just incase, you cannot have the police recommend charges of mischief (wilful damage of property) against a marital partner, nor can you sue your marital partner for the same. His property is her property in the eyes of the law.

[Gerhard]

How can you lock your wife out of a room in your house? That doesnt sound like a way to make her feel like you are committed to her - if it were me I would wonder why you needed a locked room full of things that I couldnt see.

She has shown a propensity to throw things away such as momentos, financial documents, etc. that pertain to my ex-wife or the time I was with my ex-wife. I need to protect this property.

 

The idea of not buying her certain things she wants until she stops sounds like you are punishing a child, maybe thats just me, but it sounds very controlling. You hold the purse strings so you make the rules? I wouldnt suggest that either if what you want is a marriage between equals.

I've tried this and it's not working. If I say "you can't have your candy if you don't clean your room", she'll just say that she won't clean her room - even if she has said a hundred times she wants her candy. I don't want to treat her like this and now that it doesn't work, there's no use in doing it. She has now threatened to lie to her friends and family about it by telling them I am cheap when the real reason I have withheld certain things is because of her constantly bringing up my ex.

 

Maybe counseling would help? Thats the only thing that would allow her a voice and you a voice and a neutral person to help her parse out the issues. It would also serve to have a neutral third party explaining to her that this obsession has no place in the marriage or perhaps to alert you to things that may be triggering this obsession.

She has refused to go to counseling.

 

She may compare herself to your wife unfavorably and is doing this to mask her insecurities.

In the last week or so, I have tried several things - including insisting that she not talk about my ex, just not responding when she brings her up or asking her to really thing hard about why she feels so compelled to bring up my ex. But none of this seems to work.

 

The idea that you may go somewhere you have been with your exwife is ridiculous on the one hand and understandable on the other. What if you went to Paris with your wife and went to the top of the Eifeel Tower together. Does that mean she wouldnt want to go there with you?

Almost anywhere unique we go, she asks if I took my ex-wife there. And if I did, she sulks or acts depressed virtually the entire time we are there.

 

Of course you have a host of memories and experiences with your ex. They are part of what make you the man you are today. Your wife has less of these experiences. And perhaps if you went somewhere you might remember having been there before but you would be there now with your current wife making your own memory - and it wont be a good one if she spends the entire time complaining that you were there before. Same with restaurants etc.

While I have memories of my ex and doing things with her, I'm long since over my relationship with her. Now with my wife bringing up my ex on a regular basis, it is making the memories of my ex-wife more fresh. I can deal with that. But I'm more concerned about my wife's obsession with my ex. One of the first things my wife told me was that she doesn't feel the need for fancy material things. But when learning that my ex had fancy material things, she insists that I get her the same fancy material things.

 

I've tried almost everything short of kicking her out and nothing has worked. I could go to further extremes with respect to withholding things or not getting things and see if that works. But should I really have to treat her like a child? She's the furthest thing from a violent person, so I can't get the authorities involved.

[Gerhard]

Did your first wife divorce you because of an affair? Were you alreadu in a relationship when you met the current wife?

 

It has to be something that has caused these feelings in her. It just sounds like something is missing from this story.

No and No. As she has made some inquiries as to the details of my split-up with my ex, I'm feeling that she is afraid I might leave her. However, if this is true, how can I use it to my advantage to get her to drop her obsession?

[jwi71]

No and No. As she has made some inquiries as to the details of my split-up with my ex, I'm feeling that she is afraid I might leave her. However, if this is true, how can I use it to my advantage to get her to drop her obsession?

 

Are you effin' kidding me?

 

You're asking for help on how to emotional manipulate and blackmail your W because you won't talk to her directly about it?

 

wtf?

[TaraMaiden]

This is ridiculous.

 

He may be 15 years older than she is, but they might just as well both be 6-year-olds......

[Gerhard]

This is ridiculous.

 

He may be 15 years older than she is, but they might just as well both be 6-year-olds......

I think you may be misunderstanding a few things. Situations like this need to be handled delicately. Perhaps I misspoke when I used the words "to my advantage". What I mean is if she has a fear that I might leave her and this fear is a significantly contributing factor towards her behavior, then it might deem some approaches in dealing with her behavior less effective than other approaches.

[Gerhard]

Are you effin' kidding me?

 

You're asking for help on how to emotional manipulate and blackmail your W because you won't talk to her directly about it?

 

wtf?

As I mentioned to Tara, I think you may be misunderstanding a few things. Situations like this need to be handled delicately. Perhaps I misspoke when I used the words "to my advantage". What I mean is if she has a fear that I might leave her and this fear is a significantly contributing factor towards her behavior, then it might deem some approaches in dealing with her behavior less effective than other approaches.

[TaraMaiden]

I think you may be misunderstanding a few things. Situations like this need to be handled delicately. Perhaps I misspoke when I used the words "to my advantage". What I mean is if she has a fear that I might leave her and this fear is a significantly contributing factor towards her behavior, then it might deem some approaches in dealing with her behavior less effective than other approaches.

 

No, I think it is you who misunderstands.

The time for all these little puerile mind-games is finished. I suggested the ultimatum you give her.

I also now further counsel you to insist on joint counselling because honestly, I think you are out of your depth in this relationship.

If she does not agree to either, then I think it best you separate.

This -with the games and tactics you are playing - will never, ever improve.

[Gerhard]

No, I think it is you who misunderstands.

The time for all these little puerile mind-games is finished. I suggested the ultimatum you give her.

I also now further counsel you to insist on joint counselling because honestly, I think you are out of your depth in this relationship.

If she does not agree to either, then I think it best you separate.

This -with the games and tactics you are playing - will never, ever improve.

Unfortunately, I am not prepared to follow through with an ultimatum of a great magnitude (long-term separation) at this time. I'm 100% in favor of joint counseling, but she's against it.

 

I'm not in favor of using "tactics" and "games", but would rather have an honest open chat with her about it. But when I attempt that, it's all on her terms and what she brings up (usually repeated discussions about the ex) is not what is best for the relationship. I've let her air her feelings about my ex, but it doesn't stop. I'm seriously looking at doing things like leaving for short periods of time, as she's used to going with me everywhere I go (except when I go to work).

 

Everyone uses "games" and "tactics" to ensure a relationship works. These might be utilized to ensure a relationship stays on a good track. Or they might be used to put an end to a sour time in the relationship. For example, giving flowers is a game/tactic/manipulation. Give something like that and you'll make her happy. We don't like to use words like games, tactics and manipulation, but even simple things like a "good morning" or fixing your loved one dinner or taking them on a romantic outing fall under that category. Call it what you want, but if you're being nice to someone, you're essentially manipulating them to return the kindness to you. And if you are being nice to them without expecting something in return, you're doing something because you want to feel good.

 

In a relationship we all test each other - whether unintentionally or intentionally. And we learn from how the other responds. I'm willing to lay down the law with my wife, and am merely in here to solicit ideas of what is the best way to go about it. You and others have provided some good ideas and I appreciate them all.

[2sunny]

Call the police and have her prosecuted for criminal damage, then sue her for the loss of effects. It goes without saying that you need to divorce her immediately (try to get the marriage annulled) and throw her out of the house. Hire a good attorney.

 

Your problem is that you are acting like a pussy, and you have no clue about relationships. If you can't see she is a psychotic freak who will ruin your life, then you almost deserve the lifetime of misery and financial ruin she will subject you to. For god's sake don't get her pregnant.

 

this is what i was thinking.

 

i wouldn't be able to stand someone trying to erase every little bit of my history and past - NEVER!

 

next she'll want all the memories erased - guess what - they are YOUR memories! YOU are entitled to keep whatever YOU want from whoever you want... WHY is SHE determining your past?

 

how is that even possible? oh yeah, because YOU are letting HER run every little area of you life, and past and future... expect more of the same until you are one miserable guy trying to please every whim she has... it's not realistic, feasible or possible.

 

SHE has major problems and you are placating her requests.

[jwi71]

I'm 100% in favor of joint counseling, but she's against it.

 

Then D her.

 

She is NOT willing to face the core issue within herself and it manifests itself when it comes to your xW. So NOTHING you do or say or conjure up will ever IMPROVE this M.

 

Sorry...walk. Might as well do it now.

 

Anything else is a waste of your life.

[2sunny]

As I mentioned to Tara, I think you may be misunderstanding a few things. Situations like this need to be handled delicately. Perhaps I misspoke when I used the words "to my advantage". What I mean is if she has a fear that I might leave her and this fear is a significantly contributing factor towards her behavior, then it might deem some approaches in dealing with her behavior less effective than other approaches.

 

no, situations that are completely unreasonable do not call for delicate handling. you are approaching this in the wrong manner.

 

who is the boss of you? it looks like it is HER! why? because YOU let it be this way by handling it delicately... see why this approach is backwards for your situation?

 

if she is in so much fear that YOU would leave - THEN SHE NEEDS individual counseling!!!!!

 

SHE is causing her own fear to become a reality.

 

YOU need the different approach with her... in order to get the healthy result that is needed in a relationship. this is definitely not healthy.

[TaraMaiden]

Unfortunately, I am not prepared to follow through with an ultimatum of a great magnitude (long-term separation) at this time. I'm 100% in favor of joint counseling, but she's against it.

Lose-Lose situation then. if you will not play a strong hand, you will always have a weak relationship.

 

I'm not in favor of using "tactics" and "games", but would rather have an honest open chat with her about it. But when I attempt that, it's all on her terms and what she brings up (usually repeated discussions about the ex) is not what is best for the relationship. I've let her air her feelings about my ex, but it doesn't stop. I'm seriously looking at doing things like leaving for short periods of time, as she's used to going with me everywhere I go (except when I go to work).

You are not in favour. Yet you would rather resort to doing something you are not in favour of, instead of dealing with the problem in a more constructive manner... you came for assistance and feedback. Everyone is telling you much the same. But you persist in resisting. Is it any wonder you are failing?

 

Everyone uses "games" and "tactics" to ensure a relationship works.

Excuse me, I do not. I can say this hand on heart, I do not.

 

These might be utilized to ensure a relationship stays on a good track. Or they might be used to put an end to a sour time in the relationship. For example, giving flowers is a game/tactic/manipulation. Give something like that and you'll make her happy.

Manipulation. Givin g flowers is supposed to be unconditional to make you both happy...

 

We don't like to use words like games, tactics and manipulation, but even simple things like a "good morning" or fixing your loved one dinner or taking them on a romantic outing fall under that category. Call it what you want, but if you're being nice to someone, you're essentially manipulating them to return the kindness to you.

You, maybe, but don't accuse me of such underhand tactics....

 

And if you are being nice to them without expecting something in return, you're doing something because you want to feel good.

Again, believe me, in my case, you are completely mistaken.

 

I do something for somebody else to make them feel good about themselves. Full stop.

 

I'm willing to lay down the law with my wife, and am merely in here to solicit ideas of what is the best way to go about it. You and others have provided some good ideas and I appreciate them all.

You are here to lay down the law to your wife? It was a week ago that you first asked. You have prevaricated somewhat. So when do you propose to do this and how?

[Gerhard]

no, situations that are completely unreasonable do not call for delicate handling. you are approaching this in the wrong manner.

 

who is the boss of you? it looks like it is HER! why? because YOU let it be this way by handling it delicately... see why this approach is backwards for your situation?

 

if she is in so much fear that YOU would leave - THEN SHE NEEDS individual counseling!!!!!

 

SHE is causing her own fear to become a reality.

 

YOU need the different approach with her... in order to get the healthy result that is needed in a relationship. this is definitely not healthy.

I told her very nicely and clearly that I would not tolerate any more references to my ex-wife. I had earlier told her I would withhold getting her some non-essential household goods that she wants, but can't afford on her own until she dropped her obsession about my ex-wife. So shortly after an intimate moment, she gave me what seemed like a sincere apology for her behavior and within a few minutes started asking me when we were going to get the things she wanted. Now that I've told her I won't discuss my ex-wife at all, she's telling me I'm cheap - when the real reason I'm not getting her the things she wants is because I had earlier given her a choice - either talk about my ex-wife or I'll get you the things you want. And she chose to talk about my ex-wife. So now she's going on rants about how I'm "cheap" and like a "daddy".

[2sure]

So, now you are cheap.

Now she is name calling. Being manipulative is not an uncommon way for a woman to get what she wants.

 

But this one doesnt even have the smarts to do it in a subtle way...which is basically all you are asking.

 

All she has is name calling and whining.

 

Yeah, good luck with that.

[Gerhard]

Lose-Lose situation then. if you will not play a strong hand, you will always have a weak relationship.

I agree. Thanks in part to some of the feedback I've gotten here, I'm strengthening my hand. But when I lay the law down on one thing, she starts bringing up another thing.

 

 

 

Everyone uses "games" and "tactics" to ensure a relationship works.

Excuse me, I do not. I can say this hand on heart, I do not.

As George Carlin said, changing what something is called doesn't change the condition. While I might call being nice to ensure niceness in return a tactic, you call it something else. But it remains being nice to ensure niceness in return.

 

These might be utilized to ensure a relationship stays on a good track. Or they might be used to put an end to a sour time in the relationship. For example, giving flowers is a game/tactic/manipulation. Give something like that and you'll make her happy.

Manipulation. Givin g flowers is supposed to be unconditional to make you both happy...

Giving anything like flowers or a surprise gift should be unconditional. However, if the failure to do such a thing solicits a different response than doing it, then it becomes a manipulative tactic - whether we like it or not. And once again, while you might not call it manipulative or a tactic, others might.

 

We don't like to use words like games, tactics and manipulation, but even simple things like a "good morning" or fixing your loved one dinner or taking them on a romantic outing fall under that category. Call it what you want, but if you're being nice to someone, you're essentially manipulating them to return the kindness to you.

You, maybe, but don't accuse me of such underhand tactics....

Once again, if the failure to say "good morning" or "hi, how are you doing" would solicit a different response than saying it, then it is in essence a manipulative tactic to get someone to do anything from smile, greet you pleasantly the next time around or just simply brighten up your day. I am constantly doing little niceties to others without expecting anything from them in return. But I know that the result - either in how I feel about myself or how others treat me would be different if I didn't extend these niceties. The same applies to others.

 

 

And if you are being nice to them without expecting something in return, you're doing something because you want to feel good.

Again, believe me, in my case, you are completely mistaken.

I respectfully find it hard to believe that you don't do nice things at least in part because it makes you feel good.

I do something for somebody else to make them feel good about themselves. Full stop.

Which in turn should make you feel good. If it doesn't, then where does the motivation come from in the first place?

 

 

 

You are here to lay down the law to your wife? It was a week ago that you first asked. You have prevaricated somewhat. So when do you propose to do this and how?

As I said, I'm not yet ready to let her go. I'm just trying to get her to focus on the important aspects of our relationship and to not be so obsessed with my ex or anything I'm imposing on her as a result of her obsession.

[Windy27]

Hi, I'm new to this forum. I recently got married for the 2nd time and my wife is having issues with the fact I was married once before. My wife is about 15 years younger than me, was raised with different cultural values and is financially dependent on me.

 

What culture/country is she from? How old is she? Why is she financially dependent on you if you don't have young children that require her to stay home?

[TaraMaiden]

 

As George Carlin said, changing what something is called doesn't change the condition. While I might call being nice to ensure niceness in return a tactic, you call it something else. But it remains being nice to ensure niceness in return.

 

 

Giving anything like flowers or a surprise gift should be unconditional. However, if the failure to do such a thing solicits a different response than doing it, then it becomes a manipulative tactic - whether we like it or not. And once again, while you might not call it manipulative or a tactic, others might.

 

 

Once again, if the failure to say "good morning" or "hi, how are you doing" would solicit a different response than saying it, then it is in essence a manipulative tactic to get someone to do anything from smile, greet you pleasantly the next time around or just simply brighten up your day. I am constantly doing little niceties to others without expecting anything from them in return. But I know that the result - either in how I feel about myself or how others treat me would be different if I didn't extend these niceties. The same applies to others.

 

In all your posts, almost, you discuss tactics on how to manipulate her into doing something, and now, how she is manipulating you to make the purchases.

You seem to be unaware that in any relationship, the most successful path is for you to put the other person first. (Obviously, this has to work both ways). If manipulation is all you know and recognise, this is more of a father-daughter relationship than you realise.

 

Relationships should be about talking on equal footing.

About having complete faith and confidence in your partner.

About holding them in the highest esteem and never speaking unwell of them, or to them, in public.

 

Can you say that the above three criteria feature equally in your relationship?

I can.

 

 

I respectfully find it hard to believe that you don't do nice things at least in part because it makes you feel good.

That is because you are evaluating my words by your standards, not mine. I do not care whether you do not believe me.

I do not make it a habit of lying.

 

Which in turn should make you feel good. If it doesn't, then where does the motivation come from in the first place?

The motivation comes in knowing you have made somebody happy. If I feel so proud of myself, then it becomes an ego trip. I really do not do ego trips.

 

 

As I said, I'm not yet ready to let her go. I'm just trying to get her to focus on the important aspects of our relationship and to not be so obsessed with my ex or anything I'm imposing on her as a result of her obsession.

I suspect one of the (possibly subliminal) reasons you are not 'yet ready to let her go' is because there is some type of satisfaction in your corner, in being able to exert some kind of authoritarian influence. Your 'reward' in this, is that you control the purse-strings, and therefore control her wants.

 

The more I see of this, the more I consider this to be an extremely unhealthy situation.

You need to do something, and quickly.

 

_/l\_

*H-P-T*

[Gerhard]

In all your posts, almost, you discuss tactics on how to manipulate her into doing something, and now, how she is manipulating you to make the purchases.

You seem to be unaware that in any relationship, the most successful path is for you to put the other person first. (Obviously, this has to work both ways). If manipulation is all you know and recognise, this is more of a father-daughter relationship than you realise.

I learned a long time ago that to get someone to stop engage in substandard behavior, you have to threaten/warn - then follow through with - consequences. If you don't follow through with the consequences, then your word becomes meaningless. An alternative is to administer the consequences without the threats/warnings.

 

Relationships should be about talking on equal footing.

About having complete faith and confidence in your partner.

About holding them in the highest esteem and never speaking unwell of them, or to them, in public.

 

Can you say that the above three criteria feature equally in your relationship?

I can.

Other than me being the primary breadwinner and being older, we meet all three criteria. That was until she started being obsessive about my ex.

 

 

 

I respectfully find it hard to believe that you don't do nice things at least in part because it makes you feel good.

That is because you are evaluating my words by your standards, not mine. I do not care whether you do not believe me.

I do not make it a habit of lying.

Do you not feel good as a result of doing nice things? If so, I'd venture to guess you're in the minority.

 

 

Which in turn should make you feel good. If it doesn't, then where does the motivation come from in the first place?

The motivation comes in knowing you have made somebody happy. If I feel so proud of myself, then it becomes an ego trip. I really do not do ego trips.

I'm not talking about an ego trip. As I indicated, if you don't feel good as a result of doing something good for someone else, then you are likely among the minority. However, it's my guess that this minority is the group that is uninclined to help others or do unsolicted good deeds.

 

 

 

I suspect one of the (possibly subliminal) reasons you are not 'yet ready to let her go' is because there is some type of satisfaction in your corner, in being able to exert some kind of authoritarian influence. Your 'reward' in this, is that you control the purse-strings, and therefore control her wants.

 

The more I see of this, the more I consider this to be an extremely unhealthy situation.

You need to do something, and quickly.

She's still in an adjustment phase and I want to give her time. Unfortunately, what she's doing is sidetracking us from making the adjustment phase go smoothly.

 

_/l\_

*H-P-T*

[TaraMaiden]

I learned a long time ago that to get someone to stop engage in substandard behavior, you have to threaten/warn - then follow through with - consequences. If you don't follow through with the consequences, then your word becomes meaningless. An alternative is to administer the consequences without the threats/warnings.

 

Well, with respect, you learned wrong then.

This is not a healthy relationship. This is manipulative and controlling. This is parent-child. I fail to understand how you cannot see this!

 

 

Other than me being the primary breadwinner and being older, we meet all three criteria. That was until she started being obsessive about my ex.

So - no. You do not meet all the criteria then.

 

Do you not feel good as a result of doing nice things? If so, I'd venture to guess you're in the minority.

Yes. I DO feel good.

but not for myself.

For the other person.

Again, if this is not a concept you can even begin to absorb, then there is a dfundamental problem here.

Goodness for someone else is not intended to be self-serving....

 

 

I'm not talking about an ego trip. As I indicated, if you don't feel good as a result of doing something good for someone else, then you are likely among the minority. However, it's my guess that this minority is the group that is uninclined to help others or do unsolicted good deeds.

Guess again....

Such a group does not have an agenda.

The majority has.

And by your own definition, you seem to be in the majority.

And all your posts indicate that you DO have a massive agenda.

 

 

She's still in an adjustment phase and I want to give her time. Unfortunately, what she's doing is sidetracking us from making the adjustment phase go smoothly.

Adjustment phases my foot... you are having a power-struggle! And of course, it is all her fault... she is doing the sidetracking.... but you don't seem to be doing anything constructive or selfless to amend that... Please! Consider what we are telling you!

[Gerhard]

Well, with respect, you learned wrong then.

This is not a healthy relationship. This is manipulative and controlling. This is parent-child. I fail to understand how you cannot see this!

Then how do you control and/or stop substandard behavior? For example, let's take it to a more extreme level. Let's say your spouse was repeatedly engaging in road rage with you in the car? And let's say you asked her to stop and she said it was her right to do that. Now let's say she's asking you for a luxury trip to Paris - one that you would be stretching your budget to go on, but could afford. What would you do? Would you still take her on the luxury trip to Paris even if she weren't compliant in your requests that she stop her road rage?

 

 

 

Yes. I DO feel good.

but not for myself.

For the other person.

Again, if this is not a concept you can even begin to absorb, then there is a dfundamental problem here.

So I was correct that you do feel good if you do something nice for another person. If as a result of your act of kindness, you feel good for the other person or for yourself, you still feel good. That's my point.

 

Goodness for someone else is not intended to be self-serving....

I don't disagree. But the driving force to engage in altruism is our own indulgence in feeling good. I feel very good when I do something nice for someone else.

 

Do you think people would not engage in acts of kindness and altruism if they didn't feel good as a result?

 

 

I'm not talking about an ego trip. As I indicated, if you don't feel good as a result of doing something good for someone else, then you are likely among the minority. However, it's my guess that this minority is the group that is uninclined to help others or do unsolicted good deeds.

Guess again....

Such a group does not have an agenda.

The majority has.

And by your own definition, you seem to be in the majority.

And all your posts indicate that you DO have a massive agenda.

My agenda with respect to posting in here is simply to get some ideas on how to handle an unfavorable situation. You and others have provided some very good feedback, considering I'm not yet considering terminating the relationship.

 

 

 

Adjustment phases my foot... you are having a power-struggle! And of course, it is all her fault... she is doing the sidetracking.... but you don't seem to be doing anything constructive or selfless to amend that... Please! Consider what we are telling you!

I don't disagree that this is a power struggle and I'm determined to put a stop to her excessive nagging about my ex. I've tried several constructive things, but please provide some examples of selfless things that might be effective in my situation. It's my sense if you do nice things for someone who is engaging in destructive behavior that they'll continue on. However, if you lay down the law and insist that they stop, they're more inclined to stop.

 

What I do understand is this is not a science. What works in one situation or for one set of people might not work in the next case.

[TaraMaiden]

Then how do you control and/or stop substandard behavior? For example, let's take it to a more extreme level. Let's say your spouse was repeatedly engaging in road rage with you in the car? And let's say you asked her to stop and she said it was her right to do that. Now let's say she's asking you for a luxury trip to Paris - one that you would be stretching your budget to go on, but could afford. What would you do? Would you still take her on the luxury trip to Paris even if she weren't compliant in your requests that she stop her road rage?

Yes!! This is holding somebody to ransom, and using emotional and materislistic blackmail!

You discuss the situation, how it impacts, the possible consequences, then suggest the person has anger management. It's their choice. But if they choose to not have anger management, then point-blank refuse to go anywhere in a car with them until they do. And stick by your word.

This is negotiation with immediate consequences, but it makes the person responsible for their own behaviour, and 'you', responsible for 'yours....

Threats of depriving them of something big like the example above, also compromises your own happiness. The ultimatums you give should make a person consider their options, not hold a gun to their head and provoke more hostility!

 

 

 

 

So I was correct that you do feel good if you do something nice for another person. If as a result of your act of kindness, you feel good for the other person or for yourself, you still feel good. That's my point.

 

I don't disagree. But the driving force to engage in altruism is our own indulgence in feeling good. I feel very good when I do something nice for someone else.

 

Do you think people would not engage in acts of kindness and altruism if they didn't feel good as a result?

Fine, ok. Yes, let's leave it at that, otherwise we shall be running around in circles....

 

 

 

My agenda with respect to posting in here is simply to get some ideas on how to handle an unfavorable situation. You and others have provided some very good feedback, considering I'm not yet considering terminating the relationship.

I have not suggesterd terminating the relationship. I have suggested a separation, but I think, if you were to follow through, she may well agree to counselling. because it would be a choice she makes based on having to severely consider her options, based on the choices you give her.

You're not 'leaving' her. You are distancing yourself from the trauma.

 

 

 

 

I don't disagree that this is a power struggle and I'm determined to put a stop to her excessive nagging about my ex. I've tried several constructive things, but please provide some examples of selfless things that might be effective in my situation. It's my sense if you do nice things for someone who is engaging in destructive behavior that they'll continue on. However, if you lay down the law and insist that they stop, they're more inclined to stop.

You don't get this, do you?

Every time somebody points out that this is unhealthy, you always focus the cause, on her.

YOU ARE JUST AS MUCH TO BLAME FOR THIS.

You are cultivating this problem through your controlling attitude. The authoritarian approach you are proposing clearly demonstrates an unhealthy dynamic. You yourself also need personal counselling, because your part in this is also damaged....

This is not working, because she is flawed - and so are you. The interaction is not working because the solutions you are suggesting are crippled by your respective ideas of what your roles are.

And these are seriously in need of addressing.

 

_/l\_

[2sunny]

i still don't see how you propose any positive changes... in fact, you have discounted great suggestions here that are designed to make your situation more agreeable for both of you. you are determined not to take action to change this... seems that you mainly want to complain about this - then act passive on the back end. this is not a healthy approach. you need to try something new in order for things to change.

 

if you're not willing to take action on advice given - then YOU need to ACCEPT that the situation will stay the same and learn to live with it this way, ok?

 

good luck with it.

 

on a side note, why does she not work even enough to buy her own incidentals that she finds necessary items? do you control that much of her life with even little items necessary for living?

 

how old is she/you and what nationality are both of you?

 

i'm wondering if we're missing a big piece of this puzzle????