New wife is having jealousy and trust issues

[jj33]

Gerhard of course you should not have to treat her as a child but your language " the punishment should fit the crime" suggests that you view her as a child.

 

Its not about you booting her out of the house. Its about the fact that neither of ou are happy wth the marriage so long as this issue continues to be a problem. Her reactions are beyond extreme.

 

If want to stay married to her counseling is indeed the only option as others have said.

[sunsetbeach]

Very well said. However, there have been some good faith disagreements between us with respect to what should remain and what should go. With respect to the stuff she wants to go and I want to keep, I offer to put it somewhere where she won't have to see it and she seems to be comfortable with that. As for not taking her places I took my ex, I can't do that unless we move to an entirely different part of the country. First, we're in the same house I was with my ex, my wife is new to the area and during the time I was with my ex, I went with her to virtually every interesting place within an hour or two from my home. And if we move to an entirely different part of the country, she still has to deal with the fact that she'll be with the person who spent a lot of time with my ex.

 

In a nutshell, there is no way of her escaping my ex. But there is hope that she can come to accept that I have a past and I don't let it affect our present.

 

 

Ok just sit down with her asap and say I want you to be happy and we need to resolve this. This starts things out on a positive note. Let her know how much you love her and want to work this out and that you are going to do your best to not let this interfere with your relationship anymore. You can say lets get rid of things and keep only important documents. The let her know we can put those in a safe deposit box outisde of the house. Tell her that you do not wish to keep upsetting her and want to have new memories and experiences in this marriage. Explain that you did visit a lot of the places in the area with your ex and it might be impossible to not visit those places if you stay in the area. Ask her how she would like to resolve that situation. I think for her to have a say in how this is resolved should help ease her insecurities. She may just feel like she is powerless and you are not considering her feelings and therefore she is acting out more than what would be expected in this situation. Just approach with love and understanding. In my experience being told no , giving ultimatums, and taking away privledges will make situations worse. If she is a part of the solution then I see this working out.

[Gamine]

'Things' only have meaning when there are feelings attached to them. Your desire to 'hang onto' things is absolutely indicative of a desire to hang onto your feelings. And, by doing so you keep your previous relationship alive. You have not fully left behind the past. If looking at a card, a photo, a note... from a previous relationship has importance it necessarily implies that there are feelings that are not fully resolved.

 

I would be feeling the exact way she does and frankly I do not consider myself to be a jealous woman. It would come across to me that you were carrying forward things from the past.

 

When entering into a marriage you must first be free. You must be totally free and give yourself to your new wife in totality. That includes letting things from the past go. Let them remain in the past. You are sending her signals that you are not 'over' your ex. It is almost akin to emotional polygamy in her eyes...

 

When you married your new wife, you were not adding her to your life. She was to become your life and you are to forsake all others. That includes a former wife and your attachments to her. If it is truly in the past let it go. Tell her that you are for her as if there was never another woman in your life before her. That is what marriage is... after all.

[cn283]

So if your SO were regularly engaging in road rage, you tried repeatedly to get her to stop and she insisted there was no harm in her behavior and you were to blame, would you not think twice about going on that trip to Paris with her/him?

 

If my partner constantly involved themselves in destructive behavior and didn't seek out some sort of help, they wouldn't be my partner anymore. PERIOD.

 

But hey what do I know? I'm sure you'll gloss over this post too...

[Gerhard]

Ok just sit down with her asap and say I want you to be happy and we need to resolve this. This starts things out on a positive note. Let her know how much you love her and want to work this out and that you are going to do your best to not let this interfere with your relationship anymore. You can say lets get rid of things and keep only important documents. The let her know we can put those in a safe deposit box outisde of the house. Tell her that you do not wish to keep upsetting her and want to have new memories and experiences in this marriage. Explain that you did visit a lot of the places in the area with your ex and it might be impossible to not visit those places if you stay in the area. Ask her how she would like to resolve that situation. I think for her to have a say in how this is resolved should help ease her insecurities. She may just feel like she is powerless and you are not considering her feelings and therefore she is acting out more than what would be expected in this situation. Just approach with love and understanding. In my experience being told no , giving ultimatums, and taking away privledges will make situations worse. If she is a part of the solution then I see this working out.

For the most part I have done much of what you're saying. I've asked her how she wants to work this out and she doesn't have a concrete answer. I've tried some of the things others have suggested such as refusing to discuss my ex. However, she'll persist with questions - especially if they relate to somewhere we're traveling together or how much money I spent on my ex. But it seems to work if I just let her comments/questions fall upon deaf ears.

[Gerhard]

'Things' only have meaning when there are feelings attached to them. Your desire to 'hang onto' things is absolutely indicative of a desire to hang onto your feelings. And, by doing so you keep your previous relationship alive. You have not fully left behind the past. If looking at a card, a photo, a note... from a previous relationship has importance it necessarily implies that there are feelings that are not fully resolved.

 

I would be feeling the exact way she does and frankly I do not consider myself to be a jealous woman. It would come across to me that you were carrying forward things from the past.

 

When entering into a marriage you must first be free. You must be totally free and give yourself to your new wife in totality. That includes letting things from the past go. Let them remain in the past. You are sending her signals that you are not 'over' your ex. It is almost akin to emotional polygamy in her eyes...

 

When you married your new wife, you were not adding her to your life. She was to become your life and you are to forsake all others. That includes a former wife and your attachments to her. If it is truly in the past let it go. Tell her that you are for her as if there was never another woman in your life before her. That is what marriage is... after all.

Contrary to what you're saying, I don't hang on to these "things" because I have feelings about who they pertain to other than me. If the things pertain to me, then I wish to keep them. I can't flush my memories down the toilet.

 

I had completely moved beyond my ex-wife. I could look at old photos of us or at cards she wrote me and it didn't trigger the feelings you describe. However, I didn't go out of my way to look at any of this stuff. But as it pertained to my life, I didn't care to dispose of it. Now with my wife bringing up all of this stuff about my ex, it brings many of these memories closer to the surface, where I don't want them.

[Gamine]

Ultimately you have a decision to make. You can decide to do what you are doing and make your wife unhappy (which will erode your relationship with her). Or, you can change what you are doing to reflect and be responsive to her personal needs. In which case, your relationship will likely improve.

 

I'd be willing to bet that your wife feels exactly as I have posted.

 

Take the stuff out of the house and park it wherever you need to 'for you'. But, if you want your new wife to flourish under your love then give her the type of love she requires... which may mean understanding things that you don't want to necessarily understand because it interferes with how you want things to go.

[BettyBoop]

Contrary to what you're saying, I don't hang on to these "things" because I have feelings about who they pertain to other than me. If the things pertain to me, then I wish to keep them. I can't flush my memories down the toilet.

 

By throwing away material things you are NOT flushing memories down the toilet...you don't need material things to keep your memories where they belong - in your head or heart. If they truly meant nothing to you, you would have thrown them away.

 

I have nothing left from my previous relationships except one photo that has significance due to my illness during the time. I never look at it. Why could I throw it all away and delete it? Because it no longer meant nothing to me. Still have the memories though.

 

Get my point?

[Gerhard]

Ultimately you have a decision to make. You can decide to do what you are doing and make your wife unhappy (which will erode your relationship with her). Or, you can change what you are doing to reflect and be responsive to her personal needs. In which case, your relationship will likely improve.

 

I'd be willing to bet that your wife feels exactly as I have posted.

 

Take the stuff out of the house and park it wherever you need to 'for you'. But, if you want your new wife to flourish under your love then give her the type of love she requires... which may mean understanding things that you don't want to necessarily understand because it interferes with how you want things to go.

I don't have issues moving the stuff out of the house or taking it off the computer. Unfortunately this doesn't seem to be enough to satisfy her as she brings up my ex for reasons that don't have anything to do with material possessions. I'd like to think that she could focus her attention on positive things and look forward rather than going out of her way to look for anything to do with my ex.

 

I've continued to let everything she says regarding my ex fall upon deaf ears. But she's now acting like a child to bug me about this - teasing me about my ex when I don't respond. After she went on and on for a while and wouldn't let up, I suggested she leave the house and go to a friend's house. This only infuriated her more and she's acting as if I'm planning on abandoning her.

[Gerhard]

By throwing away material things you are NOT flushing memories down the toilet...you don't need material things to keep your memories where they belong - in your head or heart. If they truly meant nothing to you, you would have thrown them away.

 

I have nothing left from my previous relationships except one photo that has significance due to my illness during the time. I never look at it. Why could I throw it all away and delete it? Because it no longer meant nothing to me. Still have the memories though.

 

Get my point?

Upon reading the responses in here, speaking with others and reading other material, I've come to the conclusion that what's correct varies from individual to individual depending on their value system. My value system is such that I keep this stuff. But out of respect for my wife, I ensure that it's put away where she won't have to see it or deal with it. I think that's fair.

[callalily]

I know this might be a bit late, but I just wanted to offer a different perspective. I had a similar experience, although I was the one who was acting psychotically. I moved into his apartment, and constantly found little reminders of his long-time ex (photos, cards, etc.). At first I was a little upset, but after a while it just drove me completely insane. I would try to spend time at home without him so I could root through everything and destroy anything to do with her. I constantly asked if he had taken her places that we went, and where he got certain things. In fact, I acted almost identically to your wife. I hated that we slept in a bed that he had shared with her, and could not get the thought of it out of my mind.

 

This continued until we moved out of that apartment and into our own house. We bought a new bed, and he didn't take any of the mementoes with him. Now I pretty much never think about her. I know it might sound extreme, but is it possible for you to move somewhere that is only associated with your new marriage?

[Thornton]

This is about jealousy, pure and simple: your wife is jealous of your ex. But if I was married to a guy who insisted on hanging onto reminders of his ex, I'd probably act crazy too. I would think: if he's supposedly over her then why does he need to keep cards, letters, and other mementoes? I would insist on such things being thrown away - I would not bring reminders of my exes into our home, so I wouldn't appreciate him keeping reminders of his exes.

 

When I split with my ex I threw away all Valentines cards etc, all photos, and even deleted photos of us off Facebook. I felt it was important to make that break, and also I wouldn't want my new bf to feel insecure because I'm hanging onto old letters and photos etc. I was able to do that because there were no longer any feelings attached to that stuff. I would expect the same of anyone I dated, to demonstrate that the past is in the past.

 

The fact is, you have caused this situation: you have caused your wife to feel jealous of your ex, perhaps partly because you are still living in the same house, and partly by insisting on hanging onto old letters and photos which should no longer have any emotional significance for you. The easiest solution is to simply tell your wife you're willing to go through the entire house with her and throw away everything relating to your ex, apart from legal documents which you have to keep, and they will be put in one folder in a safe location where she won't see them. You say this won't solve the situation, but it will do a lot of good: she will stop looking for stuff that relates to your ex, and she will feel like you're considering her wishes and making a break with your past. The whole process would be very cathartic and you would probably find she would calm down a lot about all the other stuff, because she would be pacified by the fact you have shown willingness to cut your ex out of your life, and might even be willing to go to MC once you've actually shown some willingness to accommodate her wishes and feelings. But it seems you're not prepared to part with some old letters in order to save your current marriage.

[in_absentia]

I think that since you have made a committment to be this woman's husband you should get rid of all the mementos that are upsetting her so much. It must be horrible to live in a place full of all these different things that bring you memories of your first wife, sure she's your ex wife but your new wife should be your life now, I think she's acting a little crazily, but nothing unsurprising if someone has jealousy issues about exes.

 

Personally the whole ex jealousy thing is my personal issue too, I would hate to think my bf was hanging onto things that his ex got him sentimentally, I even have issues watching a dvd with him I know she bought him, and when we watch a film for the first time together he's seen before I can't help but ask who he saw it with, incase it was her. And their relationship wasn't even as significant as ours, it was shorter and WELL in the past, no contact since they broke up pretty much. But I can't stand people's exes being part of their lives so I won't date anyone who holds onto those things, vice versa I wouldn't hang onto anything like that myself if it upset a partner.

 

I suggest you spend some time going through the house getting rid of everything that she is threatened by if it's related to the ex wife. Legal documents aside, which you could lock in a box and store somewhere safe. Honestly, you say she'll just keep looking through for more things but after a few sessions there should surely be nothing else to find.

 

Is it out of the question to move to a new house together and make it yours? I wouldn't want to live with the ghost of an ex wife in a house that my husband and her shared, I know that for sure.

 

And just don't go to places you went to with your ex wife. There must be PLENTY of places that you didn't go, go there with your new wife, create new memories together, show her with your actions as well as words that you only care about her now.

 

I disagree with the people who feel this will turn into jealousy about girls at work, checkout operators etc. My jealousy is purely based around exes, it has nothing to do with any other women. Just because I'd flip if I found he was hanging onto cards she'd written him doesn't mean I care whether he has female friends or not.

[mental_traveller]

There are two types of relationships - those which are based on equality, and those where one is the master and the other is the servant. You obviously have the latter type of marriage, so the question is, which one do you want to become, Gerhard - master or servant?

[Gerhard]

I know this might be a bit late, but I just wanted to offer a different perspective. I had a similar experience, although I was the one who was acting psychotically. I moved into his apartment, and constantly found little reminders of his long-time ex (photos, cards, etc.). At first I was a little upset, but after a while it just drove me completely insane. I would try to spend time at home without him so I could root through everything and destroy anything to do with her. I constantly asked if he had taken her places that we went, and where he got certain things. In fact, I acted almost identically to your wife. I hated that we slept in a bed that he had shared with her, and could not get the thought of it out of my mind.

 

This continued until we moved out of that apartment and into our own house. We bought a new bed, and he didn't take any of the mementoes with him. Now I pretty much never think about her. I know it might sound extreme, but is it possible for you to move somewhere that is only associated with your new marriage?

I've been away from the forum for a while and plan to write a more lengthy update. But for the most part, things have somewhat settled down. Her references to my ex-wife are seldom enough and she is too wonderful a person at other times for me to consider separation/divorce. She goes through cycles where she'll go on and on about my ex-wife or some old photo or other momento she found. I've told her to point out to me anything she finds and I'll get rid of it, but she wants to destroy the things herself or observe me destroy it. I've spoken with professionals about the matter and everyone has said the worst thing is to give in to her demands to destroy things. Because once she knows I'm willing to destroy something, she'll move on to bigger items - perhaps things like the bed, the dresser, my personal travel photo albums, etc. But it doesn't stop with the physical items; She'll often do things such as mock my ex-wife and insist that I love my ex-wife and not her.

 

I've spoken with professionals about a reward/punishment system. I've told her there will be consequences for her actions and when I find something thrown away or she makes any reference to my ex-wife, I lock her out of the computer - which she loves to use to chat with her friends and do things like friendster, etc. Others have said I should offer to reward her for not making references to my ex-wife and let her know there will be a reward. But I don't think this will work. She's from the Philippines and it is expected that we send money back to her family, so I'm thinking of putting aside an amount of $$$ to send back there and simply tell her I'll remove 5% of it each time she makes any reference to my ex-wife.

 

Once again, she won't go to counseling - even at the church she and I attend. I have gotten her to speak with our best friends about the situation, and that was the only time we got an outside party to intervene. She settled down for a while after that, offered a sincere apology, but has now gone back to periodically going off about my ex-wife.

 

Moving to a new place would be a good idea, but due to financial reasons, it's not feasible at this time.

[Gerhard]

There are two types of relationships - those which are based on equality, and those where one is the master and the other is the servant. You obviously have the latter type of marriage, so the question is, which one do you want to become, Gerhard - master or servant?

I am very clearly the master. But she holds the cards with respect to some things.

[Gerhard]

This is about jealousy, pure and simple: your wife is jealous of your ex. But if I was married to a guy who insisted on hanging onto reminders of his ex, I'd probably act crazy too. I would think: if he's supposedly over her then why does he need to keep cards, letters, and other mementoes? I would insist on such things being thrown away - I would not bring reminders of my exes into our home, so I wouldn't appreciate him keeping reminders of his exes.

 

When I split with my ex I threw away all Valentines cards etc, all photos, and even deleted photos of us off Facebook. I felt it was important to make that break, and also I wouldn't want my new bf to feel insecure because I'm hanging onto old letters and photos etc. I was able to do that because there were no longer any feelings attached to that stuff. I would expect the same of anyone I dated, to demonstrate that the past is in the past.

 

The fact is, you have caused this situation: you have caused your wife to feel jealous of your ex, perhaps partly because you are still living in the same house, and partly by insisting on hanging onto old letters and photos which should no longer have any emotional significance for you. The easiest solution is to simply tell your wife you're willing to go through the entire house with her and throw away everything relating to your ex, apart from legal documents which you have to keep, and they will be put in one folder in a safe location where she won't see them. You say this won't solve the situation, but it will do a lot of good: she will stop looking for stuff that relates to your ex, and she will feel like you're considering her wishes and making a break with your past. The whole process would be very cathartic and you would probably find she would calm down a lot about all the other stuff, because she would be pacified by the fact you have shown willingness to cut your ex out of your life, and might even be willing to go to MC once you've actually shown some willingness to accommodate her wishes and feelings. But it seems you're not prepared to part with some old letters in order to save your current marriage.

As I indicated earlier, professionals have told me getting rid of the personal stuff isn't necessarily an indicator that she'll stop. I've offered and followed through with getting rid of anything she has discovered. But she continues to insist that I destroy these items in front of her or let her destroy them.

 

In my value system, her responsibility extends only as far as pointing out what she wants out of the house and mine starts with removing the item.

 

She made promises she'd stop after I destroy certain momentos/photos and I follow through. But she doesn't follow through with her promise.

 

She has also found some old pre-recorded CDs that are of music she knows I don't like, so she knows these belonged to my ex-wife. And she's demanded that these be destroyed. So I know it's not going to stop with just the photos.

[Gerhard]

I think that since you have made a committment to be this woman's husband you should get rid of all the mementos that are upsetting her so much. It must be horrible to live in a place full of all these different things that bring you memories of your first wife, sure she's your ex wife but your new wife should be your life now, I think she's acting a little crazily, but nothing unsurprising if someone has jealousy issues about exes.

 

Personally the whole ex jealousy thing is my personal issue too, I would hate to think my bf was hanging onto things that his ex got him sentimentally, I even have issues watching a dvd with him I know she bought him, and when we watch a film for the first time together he's seen before I can't help but ask who he saw it with, incase it was her. And their relationship wasn't even as significant as ours, it was shorter and WELL in the past, no contact since they broke up pretty much. But I can't stand people's exes being part of their lives so I won't date anyone who holds onto those things, vice versa I wouldn't hang onto anything like that myself if it upset a partner.

 

I suggest you spend some time going through the house getting rid of everything that she is threatened by if it's related to the ex wife. Legal documents aside, which you could lock in a box and store somewhere safe. Honestly, you say she'll just keep looking through for more things but after a few sessions there should surely be nothing else to find.

 

Is it out of the question to move to a new house together and make it yours? I wouldn't want to live with the ghost of an ex wife in a house that my husband and her shared, I know that for sure.

 

And just don't go to places you went to with your ex wife. There must be PLENTY of places that you didn't go, go there with your new wife, create new memories together, show her with your actions as well as words that you only care about her now.

 

I disagree with the people who feel this will turn into jealousy about girls at work, checkout operators etc. My jealousy is purely based around exes, it has nothing to do with any other women. Just because I'd flip if I found he was hanging onto cards she'd written him doesn't mean I care whether he has female friends or not.

 

I've been willing and cooperative when it comes to getting rid of old photos, cards, etc. But she insists that these things be destroyed in front of her or she destroys them herself. Some of these things shouldn't be in our house, but they do have sentimental value to me, so I'm not going to destroy them, but will get them out of the house or into a place where she won't have to worry about ever seeing it again. As she's wanted to destroy some pre-recorded music CDs, there's no telling where she's going to stop. So I've laid down the rules. She let's me know in written form what she wants removed and I remove it. If she's being unrealistic, then I'll let her know. For example, I told her if she destroyed the CDs, I'd replace them with money I would have otherwise given to her.

[SuburbanOblivion]

Submit in written form??? This is YOUR WIFE, and that is degrading and utterly ridiculous. You have issues. Serious, serious control issues.

 

As someone who's been in her shoes, I do not for one minute believe you have been 100% innocent in all this and she has NO reason for act the way she does.

 

Yes, her behavior is over the top, but I can tell you from experience it does NOT come out of nowhere. Somewhere along the line she has caught you in a lie, and I'd bet money it was about your ex.

 

The copying files and then deleting one set in front of her tells me you are well-versed in hiding things, and you obviously see no problem doing it. Big red flags there. (And other than financial documents, what kind of files relating to your ex wife would you need to keep??)

 

You kept the same house, you insist on keeping sentimental items relating to your ex (NOT normal in a second marriage btw), and you take her places you took your ex. Add to this you deceive her about things pertaining to your ex, and you wonder why she's grown jealous? Seriously?

 

She is your wife, yet you are treating her like a second class citizen to your ex, making such a big deal over cards and useless knick-knacks that they start to sound like religious artifacts than crap that probably collects dust and you generally don't even think about until she mentions them, at which time they take on holy status (that which shall not be touched!).

 

I'm going to give you some real advice from someone who has been in her shoes.

 

1. Make a real, sincere apology for whatever started this insecurity. Don't tell me there wasn't something, because there was. This would never have started if there wasn't. (Shot in the dark says she discovered you were having contact with either this wife or another ex and hiding it, but that's just a guess on my part.)

 

2. Make an agreement with her that you will go room by room and get rid of the ghosts- all the useless crap, old cards, etc. Tell her you want to do this because she is your wife, and you want to put your ex in the past, completely. Tell her the financial documents have to be kept legally, but everything else can go, on condition that it gets properly disposed of, and not just destroyed. By disposed of I mean boxed or bagged up, and either she takes it to the dump or you both do, but either way it goes.

 

3. Do not continue taking her places you took your ex. Seriously, it's a big world, there is no reason for repeats. If she suggests a place, tell her calmly that you've been there with your ex, but you'd love to make new memories there with her, and it's her call either way. As she gets more comfortable, she will be more open to going places you went with your ex.

 

4. Cut contact with your ex, if you haven't already.

 

5. Quit deceiving her. Period. Total honesty.

 

The more I look at this situation, the easier it is to see she clearly feels disposable to you. Why wouldn't she? You lost one wife, so you got another, and pretty much just dropped her into the first wife's shoes. First wife's house, first wife's life basically, plus all the reminder of the first wife being kept and carefully guarded to the point second wife is being threatened with divorce if you aren't allowed to keep first wife's ghost firmly in place.

 

This woman isn't psychotic, she's fighting for her place as your wife, and you are going everything in your power, consciously or not, to remind her she is #2.

[JustLooking123]

One thing is crystal clear to me. The OP needs serious help; I'm in shock over the punitive, controlling attitude he has displayed. He should have gotten a dog rather than a wife; his tactics of punishment/reward would be appropriate for a puppy, not for his wife.

 

OP: Get individual therapy.

[Lucky_One]

I didn't read every reply, but I wish I had read this back in May.

 

Take the day off work. Go through every drawer and box and carton in your house WITH your wife present. When you find a card, read through it together, tell her how it makes you feel now, how it made you feel then, and discuss together why you may want to keep it or why it threatens her.

 

As for the CDs, if it is music you don't like or listen to, then get rid of the damn things. Why are you making this more difficult.

 

I kept a great deal of things like cards, photos, trip reminders from my XH. But I have a son, and I want very much for my son to remember the good times of our married family life, and those things are mainly for him to see that his dad and I loved each other and had great fun together at times.

 

if I had no child, then I suspect I would have gotten rid of about 95% of it. I can hold the memories in my heart - I don't need to see ten Valentine's cards from ten different Valentine's to know that the man used to love me.

 

I am starting to believe that your stubbornness in keeping so many of these things is because you are reluctant to let go of your XW. Your current wife knows this, and is acting inappropriately in her distress.

[Lucky_One]

I just read some more of your replies, and I have to ask - do you love your wife?

 

You sound very distant and cold about her.

 

Why did you marry her? What are the things about her that enamoured you? Why the haste in remarrying?

[jj33]

To quote Neil Young " a man needs a maid"

 

Im shocked this thread is still going on.

 

Why is your W still married to you? Does she lack the resources to leave?

 

Does she have low self esteem? The way that you speak of her and treat her is very very troubling.

 

Why are YOU still married to her? You dont sound like you love her, you sound like you want it to work so that you havent made a "mistake", or that you would love her if only she were x y z.

[Gerhard]

Submit in written form??? This is YOUR WIFE, and that is degrading and utterly ridiculous. You have issues. Serious, serious control issues.

 

As someone who's been in her shoes, I do not for one minute believe you have been 100% innocent in all this and she has NO reason for act the way she does.

 

Yes, her behavior is over the top, but I can tell you from experience it does NOT come out of nowhere. Somewhere along the line she has caught you in a lie, and I'd bet money it was about your ex.

 

The copying files and then deleting one set in front of her tells me you are well-versed in hiding things, and you obviously see no problem doing it. Big red flags there. (And other than financial documents, what kind of files relating to your ex wife would you need to keep??)

I appreciate your comments and you ask good questions. Has she caught me in a lie? She thinks she did, as before we were married, she asked me to make peace with my ex-wife and even said she wanted to meet her. As I don't want to have any contact with my ex-wife, I informed her of this. Then about two months after my wife moved in with me, my ex-wife unexpectedly called our home (since our divorce became final, she would call me about two to three times a year, but I never initiated any communication with her). I see what you're saying and I think the lie she thinks she caught me in is pertained to this phone call - even though it wasn't a lie.

 

You kept the same house, you insist on keeping sentimental items relating to your ex (NOT normal in a second marriage btw), and you take her places you took your ex. Add to this you deceive her about things pertaining to your ex, and you wonder why she's grown jealous? Seriously?

Due to financial reasons, I had to keep the house. The sentimental items don't pertain to my wife, but pertain to me and happen to be from that timeframe. For example, I went on a climbing/backpacking trip with my ex-wife and a group of other people. There was a really neat photo of the entire group together that I wouldn't want to get rid of, but because my ex-wife is in it, my current wife wants me to destroy it. It has sentimental value to me only because it was a trip I was proud of and not in any way, shape or manner because my ex-wife is in it.

 

She is your wife, yet you are treating her like a second class citizen to your ex, making such a big deal over cards and useless knick-knacks that they start to sound like religious artifacts than crap that probably collects dust and you generally don't even think about until she mentions them, at which time they take on holy status (that which shall not be touched!).

 

I'm going to give you some real advice from someone who has been in her shoes.

 

1. Make a real, sincere apology for whatever started this insecurity. Don't tell me there wasn't something, because there was. This would never have started if there wasn't. (Shot in the dark says she discovered you were having contact with either this wife or another ex and hiding it, but that's just a guess on my part.)

I've already apologized to her for both the incoming calls from my ex and the fact I failed to clear out everything that pertained to my ex-wife.

 

2. Make an agreement with her that you will go room by room and get rid of the ghosts- all the useless crap, old cards, etc. Tell her you want to do this because she is your wife, and you want to put your ex in the past, completely. Tell her the financial documents have to be kept legally, but everything else can go, on condition that it gets properly disposed of, and not just destroyed. By disposed of I mean boxed or bagged up, and either she takes it to the dump or you both do, but either way it goes.

I've given her the freedom to go room by room (I don't have as much free time as her) and either make a list or collect the stuff and put it in a box. She's actually tried to throw away souvenir collectibles of mine that have NOTHING TO DO WITH MY EX-WIFE. So I have asked her to make this list so I can zero in on the things she's listed (rather than go drawer by drawer on my own) and make the determination if they should go or stay. I'm not quite sure what you mean when you distinguish "just destroyed" by "takes it to the dump". Either one equates to gotten rid of permanently without giving it away.

 

3. Do not continue taking her places you took your ex. Seriously, it's a big world, there is no reason for repeats. If she suggests a place, tell her calmly that you've been there with your ex, but you'd love to make new memories there with her, and it's her call either way. As she gets more comfortable, she will be more open to going places you went with your ex.

I respectfully disagree with you. The area we live in doesn't afford us the luxury of going places that I didn't go with my ex, as I lived in this same area with my ex for some 6 years. Extended vacations, yes it's workable. But day trips - very difficult.

 

4. Cut contact with your ex, if you haven't already.

Already done. While my ex was contacting me maybe twice a year after our divorce was final, I never initiated contact with her.

 

5. Quit deceiving her. Period. Total honesty.

How would you feel if your new partner unreasonably asked you to throw away some sentimental files/photos/cards, etc. of yours? And you knew the only way you could keep peace with him and keep the item(s) was to make copies of them?

 

The more I look at this situation, the easier it is to see she clearly feels disposable to you. Why wouldn't she? You lost one wife, so you got another, and pretty much just dropped her into the first wife's shoes. First wife's house, first wife's life basically, plus all the reminder of the first wife being kept and carefully guarded to the point second wife is being threatened with divorce if you aren't allowed to keep first wife's ghost firmly in place.

While it might not appear that way to you, the primary reason I don't want my wife bothering me about my ex-wife is because I've 100% moved beyond my ex-wife. Other than that she is a human being, I have absolutely no emotional attachment to her. My focus is on my current wife. But the more she brings up my ex, it torments me in that I'm forced to be reminded of my ex.

 

This woman isn't psychotic, she's fighting for her place as your wife, and you are going everything in your power, consciously or not, to remind her she is #2.

I'm guessing I haven't articulated things very well if you get the sense I'm letting my current wife know she's #2. I do a lot for her and she should recognize she is #1.

 

I've met with professionals on this matter and they've all stated that I shouldn't cave in to any demands she makes that I destroy anything. Why? Their reasoning is it will escalate to larger things such as furniture, the house, etc. What my wife doesn't seem to understand is these little material objects like the backpacking trip photo can't love me. She will say things like pick me or the photo. But the photo can't love me, so the choice isn't reasonable. Now if I were carrying on a relationship with my ex-wife, it would be perfectly reasonable for her to say pick me or her.

[Gerhard]

One thing is crystal clear to me. The OP needs serious help; I'm in shock over the punitive, controlling attitude he has displayed. He should have gotten a dog rather than a wife; his tactics of punishment/reward would be appropriate for a puppy, not for his wife.

 

OP: Get individual therapy.

I'll agree I didn't come into this with the capability of dealing with it properly. I've been in counseling, gone to support groups and spoke with professionals. While they all agree that negotiating with my wife over throwing away things in exchange for her doing (or not doing) something is wrong, they clearly see the wrongs in her behavior and are very firm with me that I should cease to cave in to her unreasonable demands. Some have mentioned the room by room sweep of the home and I've given my wife the freedom to do that, collect the stuff and then we'll go through it. But since my wife has shown poor judgement as to what should be gotten rid of (she's tried to throw away souvenir collectibles of mine that had nothing to do with my ex), I have insisted that she run things by me before throwing something away.