Verbal Abuse?

[Drained]

We are considered common-law, have been together for almost 10 years, living together for about 8 of those years, no kids. We both work full time jobs. We aren't rich but we aren't poor either, comfortable I guess you can say.

 

Anyways...... what am I supposed to do here? It's driving me mad, I get so upset at myself because I know I shouldn't let him talk to me/treat me like this but as each day goes by I find myself putting up with more, feeling alone and yes mad at myself for allowing it to happen.

 

I find he is very verbal abusive, I have spoke with him about this before, he doesn't seem to change though. It bothers me like you wouldn't believe.

 

Last Friday, he left his lunch work bowls on the table, I asked him if he planned to rinse them and put them in the sink (hours after he initially just left them there instead of placing them in the sink in the first place which is about 2 footsteps more over he could have taken and right into the sink, he gets home before me and could simply place them in the sink), I asked him in a kind tone, no hostility or sarcasm, he lashed out at me saying why can't I do it? (mind you I am forever picking up after him, putting things away etc.) He called me a lazy b!tch because I wouldn't put them in the sink for him. I asked him how he thinks it's fair to call me a lazy b!tch when he could have easily put them in the sink in the first place? I told him I am tired of having to pick up after him. He said I was being a b!tch. I told him I will not move them after him calling me that. They stayed there until yesterday afternoon when he finally moved them.

 

I ask him to do at least the washing on weekends (2 or 3 loads max), I am greatful that he does that but he thinks that's ALL he has to do, he also does the dishes but once in a while. I ask him for help in other areas when I need it and he puts on this big act like he has to do everything and whines like a little child.

 

Sunday I served up a turkey dinner, we had the turkey, mashed potatos, and assortment of other veggies. He came to the table only when it was time to eat (instead of giving me a hand in preparing it), as soon as he was done, he put his plate in the sink and then went back into the computer room ALL NIGHT until bed time. He didn't say one word to me. Why doesn't he appreciate these things and the hard work I put into the household??

 

I am emotionally drained, always being talked down to. He insults me, calls me names and then in a matter of hours acts like nothing happened and everything is A-OK. But it's not! I am tired of this attitude from him, like I said I have tried speaking with him about it but it does no good.

 

Why does he think it's fair to be disrespectful to me after I try so hard and put 110% in?

[LadyX]

He doesn't respect you. Instead of being his partner, you're acting as his mother. It's up to you to decide how long you want to live this way.

[Drained]

Thank you for replying.

 

How do I go about letting him know that I've had enough? Everytime I try he always seems to "smooth talk" me and the situations over. I know everyone says just do it, but it's alot easier said then done - believe me, I've tried a few times.

 

What should I say to him? (not trying to sound dumb here but it really is a lot tougher than most think)

 

I know I probably deserve better than that, and not to be talked down upon like that, but it's more like a routine now, I am pretty much used to it but finally have had enough. I need to know how to stand up to him for once and all, because no matter what I say or do he doesn't take me seriously.

[2SidestoStories]

I know that when I made the choice to leave my exhb for similar types of behaviors, I actually started out by telling him I was considering leaving. I then gave him what I felt were plenty of opportunities (which he will disagree with to the grave, no doubt, but he was so busy trying to hurt me constantly that he obliterated any chance he might have had to resolve things between us...) TO fix things. I, like you, had become very much the 'helpless victim' in the scenario, and was ashamed of my own response as much as I was of being treated like garbage.

 

I know it's not easy. If he does not take you seriously when you speak with him, then you need to take the initiative and leave. Find yourself someplace new to live, or give him the boot, depending on your situation. Be prepared for a ton of backlash, though, because your leaving will likely shock him tremendously. He more than likely thinks you somehow enjoy being treated the way he's treating you, since you've likely never been able to communicate to him (responsibility for this lies with BOTH of you) that you do not like it.

 

You have several choices in front of you, but you must ask yourself whether you want to bring up the subject of counseling. If, in your heart of hearts you believe that this is over, then you must leave and sever ties as completely as possible. If you believe there is any chance, even the faintest whisper of hope that with a third-party sort of situation, the two of you can work things out, perhaps that is the way you ought to go. Any way you decide, I wish you the very best of luck and clarity of purpose!

[Drained]

Hi 2Sidestostories, thank you for your help.

 

Yes, I have tried speaking with him about it in the past, but it always seems to get back to this point. To be honest with you this isn't the only problem we've had. We have issues where he spends all of his money then has to use my money as well. (but he does pay me back a few bucks weekly) The last amount he borrowed was just over $1,000.00, he's almost done paying me back. I just think he should handle his money more maturely and not live from week to week. He says oh it doesn't matter because we always have your money if we need it for anything, so needless to say I never get to buy myself anything new. I have to be the responsible one who has to "save for a rainy day".

 

There was also the issue of marriage and having kids. I was at the point where I was going to leave him if he couldn't provide me with at least those 2 things from life that I want. For the longest time he always said he never wanted kids and didn't want to marry because it's like we are married now and it is a waste of money, also costs too much. (but spending thousands of dollars on his computer to upgrade isn't too much??) He threatened me once that if I got pregnant he would leave and have nothing to do with the baby, then he came up with a brilliant (sarcasm) idea that I would have to sign a paper stating that I won't get pregnant and if I did he could freely leave with no obligation to me or the baby... well to make a long story short I never signed such a paper and within a few days he changed his mind on that. I told him I have had it and I was going to leave because he can't provide me with a firm commitment and kids. He then said he changed his mind and he does want at least one. He mentioned that he was worried that we wouldn't have enough money to have a baby, I told him that if he didn't to upgrade his computer every few weeks and buy unnecessary gadgets for it then we could afford it. Children aren't just for rich folks, everyday common people have them. I also suggested we save a little a week for a good while, at least we will have that for the baby. So now he agrees that he wants one within a 3 years.

 

I have brought up counselling to him and he feels that he doesn't have a problem. He says it's me, I always nag at him. :/ I feel that I don't nag but I tell it like it is and needs to be. I mean a 30 year old man should not be acting like this, he should not expect me to do everything in the house, he should learn to save his money, not stay on the comptuer all his free time playing games or on the internet. We need to grow and go places, we need our relationship to expand not be on a stand still point, comfortable point if you will. There is no excitement, it's mundane, routine. We need spontanuity, we need that spark back. Is this nagging? Is this be too hopeful? I have tried to explain this to him, does not do any good.

 

I just want a man who will appreciate me and what I do. Tell me that he enjoyed the meal I worked so hard to prepare, a man that will say let me help you with the dishes, let me make the lunches tonight, I want to be remembered on my birthday , our avnniversay, valentines day, christmas, etc. is that so much to ask? I don't think so.

 

I do want to leave, I just don't know how to tell him with him seeing how he hurt me, how much I am serious.

[BadMan]

He's a loser. Dump him.

[moimeme]

I do want to leave, I just don't know how to tell him with him seeing how he hurt me, how much I am serious.

 

 

? Go. Don't wait until you can get him to believe he hurt you; he may never do so. Just go.

[LadyX]

I believe that him seeing your back as you walk out the door will show him how much he hurt you, and how serious you are. Then he will make promises to change...........empty promises.

[2SidestoStories]

empty promises.

 

I second that completely. Drained, you owe it to yourself to get out of this. You owe it to the future you will otherwise never have. You owe it to the woman who has been loyal and patient and loving for years and years. I have this funny feeling you may be second-guessing yourself in terms of leaving because you think it would be selfish. I also have a funny feeling that your fellow has emphasized to you how selfish you are anytime you may desire to do something for YOU instead of for "the home" (aka HIM.) Something also leads me to believe that since you've been so involved for so long, that you haven't the first idea how to live your life for you.

 

Guess what? This is your wake-up call. This is your heart telling you, "I've had enough of this." He has grown complacent, and expects that you have as well.

 

This is not me telling you to "move on to something better" in terms of another relationship, because you must take advantage of the alone time you will have when you leave; this is the time you will have to rediscover yourself and to be able to get to know that incredibly strong woman who lies beneath the doormat costume you've put on.

 

I wish I could tell you in detail about my own process of getting through leaving. I'm still in the middle of it, frankly. "drained" does not even begin to touch on it all!

 

However, I can assure you, as can many many others here on LS, that not only is there light at the end of a tunnel; there is the most incredible gift you could give yourself: YOU.

 

Trust your heart.

[Drained]

You see now he acts like nothing happened.

 

I told him I was waiting for an apology because he asked me what's wrong with you? At first he said there was nothing to be apologetic for, I refreshed his memory of him calling me a lazy b!tch, he said well you brought that upon yourself for not moving it when I asked you. I told him he had no right to say that because it was HIS dirty dishes afterall, he said I wouldn't get an apology. To not drag this along, after a few hours he gave me a sarcastic "oh I'm sorry" now can we get on with this.

 

I have told him that it bugs me that as soon as we get home from work he has to run on his computer right away. He says "well I want to check my sites" I say the internet isn't going anywhere it will be there after we eat too and I do need a little help with things, rather then have me carry all the weight on my shoulders. It bugs me that as soon as we eat he's back in that room on the computer all night. So last night, after we eat he goes to the TV changes what I had on (I was watching it as I was clearing the table and he knows this is one of my favorite shows). I asked why he can't help clean up, he answers that there is nothing to clean it's all clean. I said oh what about my plate, your plate, the pots and pans? I have to fill up your lunch container. I asked what if I went straight to the TV too and just sat there, leaving everything as is. He didn't say anything. So I did the dishes and lunches. I went to check my email, he goes on his PC while I am there. I was done checking and went back to the TV room, he came out sat with me.. again I was watching my show and he told me to change it to watch his show. He had it blazing loud! My brother called and I had to go into another room because I couldn't hear him. After the call (his show finished at the same time), he goes into the PC room, I said why are you gone back in there? He replied that he tried to watch TV with me but I left, I told him I couldn't hear a thing on the phone. He said "you see, I try to sit with you and you leave". HELLO? 1) YOU CHANGED THE CHANNEL ON MY SHOW AGAIN, 2) THE TV WAS WAY LOUD and couldn't hear a thing!

 

He tried to cuddle with me last night but the way he cuddles is sticks his knee up my back and pushes me over so much that if I move an inch I will fall out of the bed. I tried explaining that to him, he said I try to cuddle and you complain, it's useless.

 

Thanks for reading this far, it feels good to release it instead of holding it in.

 

you think it would be selfish

You hit the nail right on the head!! This is one of my biggest thoughts, I question to myself it would be just me being selfish if I left and am I giving up too easily. Actually all you said was so very true 2Sidestostories! About me not knowing how to live my life as well, alone without him. I have never been on my own. He was my first true love, and since I was very young when we moved in together he is all I have ever known, I have grown with him over the years. I am, I guess you can say scared to move on my own, although I am trying to convince myself that I will manage.

 

It just irks me that he thinks everything is fine and he acts like nothing happened. Like it's normal to call the ones you love names and put them down like that, like it's normal that I have to do everything and I'm not tired or get sore backs.

 

Thanks again everyone, it's just a feeling of relief letting it out like this.

[moimeme]

You are falling into abused woman syndrome. He behaves like a jerk and upsets you but you still think you can explain why it bothers you and he will care and change. GET OUT OF THERE before it gets worse. You are turning into a doormat for him to wipe his feet on. His behaviour is completely unacceptable, but because that's all you know, and because he was your 'first love' you put up with it. You need to escape and find a person who will treat you well. This guy is bad news and you MUST leave him for your own sake.

 

Don't just vent, please. Start making your plan to leave now.

[GIZMO]

I have been in your same shoes not to long ago. I stayed with a man that would call me all kinds of names almost every day. I would cry and he would tell me that I am too emotional and I need to act my age, I am not 13 years old anymore. He would never do a dish in the house, or would he really ever help me clean the house or make dinner. He was too busy hanging out with family or freinds or maybe working late..

I thought this man was the ONE for me, I stayed in that type of realtionship for 7 years. I thought I would die with out him, I thought I would never find another man that I could call my best freind as well. I thought this man was my world and I built my world around his.

After being told time and time again to leave this man, I could do much better, I never wanted to see the truth. See this man was not bad, in fact he was one of the sweetest men you could meet, at times. He would hold me maybe once every couple of months and make me feel so complete. I thought that, it was okay, for that to only happen a few times every couple of months.

Well, he left me a few montha ago, and let me tell you, it was so hard. I thought I was going to die I hurt so bad.. But I see the light now, and I think you will as well if you leave the man you are with.

It is scary to be single, but, I have to admit, I am more happy now then I was with him. I know longer have to be mommy to a grown man, and I do longer have to deal with the abuse.

I wanted to leave this man a few times, just as you do, but everytime I tried he would find a way to keep me there. Do not listen to the sweet talk your boyfreind will give you if you choose to leave the realtionship. Just becasuse someone calls you a name time and time again, do you really beleive that they are sorry just becasue he says so?

If you really love this man and he really loves you.. then take a break for awhile and see if he comes back after a few monts a change man.. If not, then it was not meant to be, and you could be like me, and realize you are a lot more happier being single, then to deal with the crap.

It is not hard to find a man that treats you well, its hard to actully stand up and know you are ready to date again.

I hope what I am saying makes sense to you, and you choose to make YOURSELF happy and not worry about how he feels. You are #1 and you want things out of life. Do you want to be with a man that does nothing with you for the rest of your life? And keep hoping and praying that one day he will change?

Don't hope anymore, he is a grown man, and he knows he can walk on you since you keep staying. Take a stand for once and leave the realtionship, see how you really feel then, see what you want out of life..

Good luck to you and don't just listen to your heart, listen to your head as well..

We are all here for you.. Remember that..

[Drained]

Thank you everyone, you've been a big help. I know what I have to do, it's a matter of being strong enough to do it. I want to, believe me. I am working toward building myself to that step.

[moimeme]

Here's some info on verbal abuse; it might help:

 

Article and links to other references

http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/verbal_emotional_abuse

 

There's a good article; they also seem to have books for sale but the article's handy

http://www.cyberparent.com/abuse/femalemental.htm

 

http://www.actabuse.com/verbalabuse.html

 

http://www.drirene.com/verbalabuse.htm

[AprilFool]

If you want to stay, you are just going to have to not let him get to you. Find a way to ignore him. Don't cook for him, cook for yourself....if he calls you lazy b!tch, tell him, "That's just your opinion...but since you think I'm a lazy b!tch, I'm going to act like one, and you can make your own food." Don't do his laundry. Don't do his dishes. Don't LET him treat you like that. When his laundry piles up, and his dishes pile up, start telling him that he needs to start cleaning his crap!

 

Only take care of yourself! If he calls you names, laugh at him. Tell him he's funny. Treat him like he is....STUPID! He doesn't seem to realize what a good thing he has. I know it will get to you when he lashes out at you, but don't let him know it does. If he knows that he can control you by belittling you, then he will keep doing it. Don't LET him control you.

 

I haven't read anywhere on here where he's hit you. If he does become PHYSICALLY abusive, smack his smart mouth right in the face. That will shock him badly enough for him to back off. If he never becomes physically abusive, then at least you will make him feel as stupid and worthless as he deserves to feel after having treated you the way he has. If you are wanting to stay with him, even though he continues to be verbally abusive, you are just going to have to learn to ignore him. I recommend counselling to get your self respect back.

 

He is just talking down to you, to make you feel so worthless, that he will be able to control you. My husband is very verbally abusive and controlling. If I don't do what he wants when he wants, then I am just the laziest, most disgusting person in the world. When I started talking back, and taking control of myself, the started shoving me around. So I started slapping him. So he started shoving harder.

 

I decided that I have two choices. Leave, or just do my best to ignore him when he belittles me. Thus far, I have chosen to ignore him.

 

Don't you dare feel sorry for yourself. It's your choice to stay with him...IT'S YOUR CHOICE!!! I can leave, but I CHOSE to stay. I realize that he isn't controlling me, I just chose to ignore him when he's a jerk, and love him when he's amazing. I put up with my husband's verbal abuse, so he doesn't abuse me physically.

 

Just fight back, and see what he does.

[moimeme]

AprilFool

 

Your 'advice' is VERY bad advice indeed. If you call the way you two treat each other a 'relationship', so be it, however it is not and you need to get out. You are advocating becoming verbally and physically abusive in answer to abuse. This is completely unacceptable. Eventually, you two will beat the living daylights out of each other - unless one of you has the good sense to leave.

 

I cannot state strongly enough that NOBODY should follow your 'advice'. You are suggesting that people make their dysfunctional relationships even more dysfunctional. This is not acceptable.

[Tony T]

While I totally agree that AprilFool's advice is pretty wacky and inappropriate for the circumstances, I have to trust that the original poster has the intelligence and wisdom to see that. Giving bad advice on the forum is not a violation of terms of service. If you want to know what really bad advice is, I'll give you the phone number of my stock broker. Now there's a guy who ought to be shot!!!

 

Actually, in some cases a passive aggressive approach to a relationship problem may get some results. The more dysfunctional a relationship is perhaps the more dysfunctional the solution has to be. Who knows?

[lostforwords]

I grew up in a house hold where it was the norm for my mother to do everything for my dad..... men ate first before kids... she cleaned up after him constantly..... etc etc etc..... he wa svery abusive towards her verbally first and then physical.... 31 years later they splitup after i begged my mother to finally realize she was a human being and needed to be treated as such..... today she is a strong independent woman who doesnt take anyones s***.... not even mine...lol.... one day you will see that your worth more than you allow your spouse to treat you.... he wont ever change... so you need to take those steps.

[moimeme]

I'll give you the phone number of my stock broker. Now there's a guy who ought to be shot!!!

 

Sorry, Tony. Can't help you there. Don't know any hit men

 

The more dysfunctional a relationship is perhaps the more dysfunctional the solution has to be. Who knows?

 

I'm guessing folks who deal with these issues all the time. They suggest the last thing anyone should do is provoke the abuser. Were it me, I'd go with that advice since I don't really want to be dead.

[sinking]

Oh My God! I think you are the first person to write my story. The only thing missing on the husband's part are the bad words. He is best known for mind games. I have never met anyone who can turn a scenario around and make it all appear as if I am the cause of whatever havoc there is.

 

First of all, I am so sorry. I think you are a good woman with a hell of a heart. You love, just as I do.

 

Funny how as a woman, I am good enough to cook, to clean, to make the money, to even lay down at night with him. BUt, I am not good enough to hold, have a discussion, ask a question, or even show any type of emotion. If I do, again, "it is because I am the blame for all the problems by being too emotional and trying to be equal to him (as a man) on all terms.

 

The reality is this, I treat all people with kindness and respect. More so, I have done it with my husband, because well hell, (duh)...he is supposed to be my sole mate, my best friend. I should therefore receive the same treatment, respect, loved, care ....etc.

 

It hurts and I am to blame for letting it continue with the hopes that it will get better. The fact is, it won't. It has taken a great amount of thinking over the last few days to realize that this man.......person, simply will not understand or make an effort to change.

 

ENOUGH!!! I left....................................yesterday, as scared as I was. That one moment of fleeing was the scariest in my life. I said nothing.....just let him continue to hound me and follow me around as I was actually packing clothes. I drove away with nothing, but I can breathe today. I just didn't want to hurt anymore and by saying nothing.....actions were leaving. I know that I made the statement of "NO MORE, IT's OVER" by closing the door behind me. Yeah, I feel sick to my stomach today, I can barely concentrate, but I did what was right.

 

 

You, must decide the same. You have to be so tired of it, that you simply would leave it all behind. Don't take it!! Get away, take time for yourself, heal, and give that good heart to someone who will definitely appreciate it one day. If I can believe it.....one day of taking the leap, then I know you can as well.

 

 

My Best wishes to you !

 

 

Sinking

[AprilFool]

I agree that she should leave! I agree that I should leave! But I'm not ready to leave yet. She doesn't sound like she wants to leave either. I'm just telling her what I do. If she's going to stay with him, whether we suggest she leave or not, she might as well talk back to this jerk. Why let him treat her like she's less than a human being. If she stays with him, she is not the only woman to make this choice. However, she doesn't have to take his crap. If she does, then it's her own choice. I think she should leave, I agree 100% that she should leave. I think I would be better off with my husband, jerk that he may be, right now. If he gets worse, then I will deal with that when the time comes. For now, though, it's not that bad. It's not what I wanted in a marriage, but it's not that bad.

 

See, I haven't been married to my husband very long, and he may change....he may grow up...I doubt it, but I have to hope. If he doesn't change, then I'll try changing. I made vows to God for better or worse, and I'm going to do my best to keep my promise. She didn't promise anyone anything....I don't know why she stays. Sometimes, my vows are the only thing keeping me in my marriage.

[moimeme]

ENOUGH!!! I left....................................yesterday, as scared as I was. That one moment of fleeing was the scariest in my life. I said nothing.....just let him continue to hound me and follow me around as I was actually packing clothes. I drove away with nothing, but I can breathe today. I just didn't want to hurt anymore and by saying nothing.....actions were leaving. I know that I made the statement of "NO MORE, IT's OVER" by closing the door behind me. Yeah, I feel sick to my stomach today, I can barely concentrate, but I did what was right.

 

Wow! Congratulations! That took a LOT of courage. It won't be easy for a while, but it will be SO worth it when you have a good life of your own without the garbage he handed you for so long. By all means, come back to LS or even PM me if it starts getting difficult and you need support. My good wishes and prayers are with you.

[moimeme]

Why let him treat her like she's less than a human being

 

Because, AprilFool, people who work with domestic violence will tell you that fighting back with words or hitting can get you hurt worse or killed. There are times when 'standing up for your rights' is the same as baiting a bull - very foolish. There is no point in doing it if you end up hurt or worse on account of your principles. Please read the information at the links I posted above and learn about abusive people. Maybe your 'standing up to him' is working now - though that you have, yourself, become abusive is horrible. Are you not shocked at your behaviour? Can you truly excuse this in yourself? Yours is a sick situation at best. PLEASE read the information on those links and learn about domestic violence.

[sinking]

AprilFools, Are you crazy!!!

 

 

I mean you are becoming just like him, and now you want to pass that on to someone else. Huh!!!

 

I mean yeah, fight back on the street like that, but not the spouse. What I really mean is if laid a hand on yoyu, you should have packed up and left.

 

Okay, you chose to stay.....good for you!

 

Can't wait to see how you both raise your children. Them watching you and the hubby smack each other and yell back and forth.

 

I know you mean well....but your advise is something less than to be desired. We are taking right or wrong. ABuse is abuse and one has to work there way out of it the best he/she can. You can't fight back with the same ammo shot at you! It doesn't work that way in trauma's like this.

 

I do not mean to criticizwe but...damn, you really scare the hell out of me!

 

Ugh!

[AprilFool]

I'm not willing to leave...so should I just put up with it?