Verbal Abuse?

[sinking]

You are willing to put up with the hitting, the poor choice of words, the disrespect.etc.

 

You are going to start to "HATE" him and then yourself.

 

Yes, now you are strong, resilient, and bottom line willing to go though all of it for the sake of pride and commitment. But what about when he gets you on one of those days when really you just don't have the strength? I mean, on the day that you just can't see the point of trying anymore.

 

 

Yes, it is your choice! I give you credit and hell, I will even send you a pair of boxing gloves for X-mas. But, I think you deserve better. Are you not a loving woman, don't you want to be loved and respected, and the apple of someone's eye? If you stay long enough and get used to this kind of behavior, what will you stand as a chance with another relationship.

 

UGh!!

 

Again, I am not criticizing! I am there, and I did think the same as you...and then one day, my heart broke..and the reality was that no matter how much I put into it, the relationship was doomed. I did what was right in the end because he couldn't do right to start with in the beginning.

 

 

Good LucK!!

[lostforwords]

What would you have me to do?

I'm not willing to leave...so should I just put up with it?

 

 

Im thinking number one: you are in no better state to be giving advice to someone who is in a pre-physical abuse situation.... seeing as how you and your hubby use eachother as punching bags.... for whatever reasons you have chosen to NOT leave.... may very well work for you (judging by what you have written already I dont think that is a good choice) however encouraging another human being to stay and put up with his crap by retaliating back is not advice at all its basicly laying the grounds out one day for pre meditated murder (my opinion) soon enough one of them are going to go over the deep end one day and unfortuantely there will be no turning back..... retaliating as such can lead to even further damage....

 

number two: i hope for your childrens sake (if you have any and i honestly hope they dont see/hear you 2 but sadly enough most children do) they do not grow up thinking its ok to smack your spouse around.... its ok to retaliate either verbally or physically.... its ok for your daughter to be treated like a piece of crap and get smacked around by her boyfriend... after all mom did why cant she?????? or its ok for your son to smack his wife around and treat her like crap (after all dad did it and look mom stayed around so it couldnt have been that bad.) do you see what im getting at?

 

One to make a decision of staying in this sort of relationship is a selfish decision to make. Knowing at all costs what you have in store for you when your hubby gets pissed off and allowing this to happen in front of your children is indeed a selfish act (in my eyes) I grew up seeing my mother get beat and hearing it.... and yes to do this day i resent her for staying and keeping us in that situation..... however i do realize back then they did not have the resources as they do now..... and that she did not have self worth to actually want to get out of that situation.... my brother i have no relationship with whatsoever as he then started beating me as a kid right into my teen age years and now he smacks his girlfriends around...... see what it can do?.. it goes on and on.....

 

so to answer yoru question of should you put up with it?... by all means good god no..... seek help.... trust me when i say its better for you to get out now and seek some sort of help than to stay in a relationship as poisenous as yours is.... you CAN do it on your own... you ARE strong enough to stop it now... just find it in yourself, the strength is there dont kid yoruself... for all the strength you use to smack him back or all the energy you use to verbalize your anger back at him, empower yourself to use it in a way thats actually going to help you.... you dont need self worth and you dont need self esteem (you can worry about rebuilding that later) but you do need strength to leave him and if you have strength to do that self worth and self esteem just fall into place with time and effort.... but you dont need to be treated any worse than you allow yourself to be treated.

[AprilFool]

I'll say it again. I don't think she should stay with this guy. BUT it doesn't sound like she's going to leave. She ASKED you all what she should say to him, not if she should leave him or not. I answered her question with my experience. All I said was, if you're not afraid of him hitting you, talk back to him, and don't just be his verbal punching bag.

 

Then, I said if he hits you, hit him back!

 

In the end, if hitting him back doesn't stop him, then she would have physical evidence that she should leave. Apparently his verbal abuse is not reason enough for her to leave him. And, some women think that the abuse is not real, until they are actually hit. A physical hit may give her the knock she needs to get away from him. Maybe he's not that bad of a guy...maybe he thinks she NEEDS to be bossed around. Men get funny ideas in their head.

 

If she doesn't want to leave, but she doesn't want to put up with him, then she should back talk him. What's wrong with standing up for yourself? You all just sound like you don't think relationships are worth any effort! As soon as it gets tough, you want to bail! Did you not promise "For Better OR Worse?" Yes, if your man is physically abusive, get out!

 

My husband shoved me, and I slapped him. He doesn't shove me any more, so I don't slap him any more. He used to talk down to me, so I talked down to him, and he stopped. He got back into talking down to me, I started talking down again.

 

I didn't run for a divorce every time he called me lazy or what not, I tried something else! I want my marriage to work! None of you can tell me that you didn't get into fights with your significant other.

 

If you keep beeing a victim, then you'll keep getting treated like one! Stand up for yourself! I'M MARRIED there is a difference between being married, and living with someone, because you promised you would be with them forever. If your man beats you, though, LEAVE!!! Goodness!!!!!

 

P.S. No, I don't have kids! We decided that we are not mature enough for kids. Good greif, people, give me some credit.

[lostforwords]

Anyways...... what am I supposed to do here? It's driving me mad, I get so upset at myself because I know I shouldn't let him talk to me/treat me like this but as each day goes by I find myself putting up with more, feeling alone and yes mad at myself for allowing it to happen.

 

Judging by your responses AprilFool, we could be here for HOURS debating what was said what wasnt said.... in actuality i decided to quote her..... so upon her request of what is she supposed to do.... you decide to TELL her thats its basicly OK to RETALIATE back... following me here?.... ok.... so its driving her mad..... now if she were to actually punch him, swear at him, call him names.... etc... etc.... all of which you are advocating cuz you walk in the shoes right..... and no YOUR not ready to leave blah blah blah..... HOWEVER telling someone to do what you do in your situation; not saying it doesnt work for you (and I am finding it hard to see it from that point of you but ill take your word for it) DOESNT mean its HEALTHY..... you chose to live your life in your situation... and yes I KNOW... you chose NOT to leave (you must be a VERY strong woman and i give you credit for that) If you have noticed in her post she has already STATED that she has done somethings to "Stand up for Herself" BUT they arent working........ NO he has not hit her YET..... for god sakes ENCOURAGING someone to "Treat him like he is....STUPID!" just maybe the excuse he needs to smack her upside the head..... oh but wait.... then she could take your advice again and "smack his smart mouth right in the face. That will shock him badly enough for him to back off."....... Will it?????? will he back off?..... hmmmmm for a minute I thought each person was different..... oh wait... maybe just maybe he'll beat the living s*** out of her till she cant raise her hands to ever hit HIM again..... and trust me..... Ive seen it!... so when you Advise someone to keep egging a spouse on, to verbally abuse them back, to "Stand up for themselves" ... or to smack there smart mouth..... I suggest you take a few minutes and think first about what may happen to THAT person.... as people react DIFFERENTLY than others..... your a very lucky woman you can stand up for yourself... however SOME women arent as lucky as you and get the satisfaction of having that last word......

[AprilFool]

Originally posted by Drained

Thank you for replying.

 

How do I go about letting him know that I've had enough? Everytime I try he always seems to "smooth talk" me and the situations over. I know everyone says just do it, but it's alot easier said then done - believe me, I've tried a few times.

 

What should I say to him? (not trying to sound dumb here but it really is a lot tougher than most think)

 

I know I probably deserve better than that, and not to be talked down upon like that, but it's more like a routine now, I am pretty much used to it but finally have had enough. I need to know how to stand up to him for once and all, because no matter what I say or do he doesn't take me seriously.

[lostforwords]

How do I go about letting him know that I've had enough? Everytime I try he always seems to "smooth talk" me and the situations over. I know everyone says just do it, but it's alot easier said then done - believe me, I've tried a few times.

 

I think this speaks the loudest...... dont you april fool?.....

[AprilFool]

I just took a minute to think about this, and to clear my head, and I agree WHOLEHEARTEDLY that if she wants to leave him, then she should. She did say earlier *and I admitedly missed that part* that she "did want to leave him."

 

THEN LEAVE HIM!!!

 

My mom was in a verbally abusive relationship for two years with my dad....then she realized, "Hey, I'm a human being, and I don't have to take this" so she started talking back to him. He cooled down quite a bit, once he realized she wasn't his floor mat. They've been happily married 22 years.

 

My marriage is still fairly new, but I learned from my mom that you don't have to take crap from anyone. So rather than divorcing my husband the first time he made me cry, I learned to stand my ground.

 

If she has the stregth and the will power to leave him, then I hope she does. I'm not one of those women who "Has HAD IT". One day I might be.

 

What I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry that I didn't read a little closer before posting my opinion. If she wants to leave, she should leave. When I read her first two posts, I just saw that she was wanting him to stop treating her like a dog, and start treating her like a human being. I was suggesting that she speak up for herself.

 

Nowhere in her posts have I read that he has ever hit her, or laid a hand on her. If she's not afraid of him physically, I don't see why she shouldn't just stand up to him.

 

I said if he hits you, hit him back, because well, I've always been taught, "if they hit you, hit them back".

 

BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT I CONDONE PHYSICAL ABUSE IN A RELATIONSHIP....In fact, I hate it.

 

In conclusion: If you can, LEAVE. If you can't, don't take crap, stand up for yourself.

[lostforwords]

like i said your lucky to be a very strong woman.... its just unfortunate that not all woman are strong like that....

 

good luck with your marriage )