cole750 Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 I posted my story on another thread, so im not going to go back into it - simply H went to another state for work, he has been living there for 8 months w/ his mom & asked for a divorce in Feb, found out he is with someone else. OK so tonight H called because he is upset our daughters are drifting from him, they dont really want to talk to him. anyway we get to talking, he appologizes about things. He appologizes for hurting me. He said he knows how much i loved him, how i stood by him 100% through everything, etc etc but that doesnt change that he lost feelings for me along the way- he said when he came to visit us at thanksgiving- he didnt feel the same as when he left- that he just didnt feel it for me anymore. I proceed to ask him if he plans on marrying this woman and having kids (because his email TO her said she is his soul mate etc) he says no and no to kids. That he has his 2 girls and doesnt want anymore. So i say then you are just stringing her along because she will want marriage and kids. he said there is medical behind it. i push a little and then he says she has MS and wont be having kids, that she can but wont. he also tells me that her husband committed suicide so he is helping her deal with those demons as well. WTH is my husband leaving me for someone he will end up having to take care of, someone that has a lot of issues- her husband, her MS etc? I dont get it. She is 32, not sure when she was diagnosed but still i am so confused on why he is giving up on our marriage to go and get into a relationship that will have a lot of stresses etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Stepone Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 i am so confused on why he is giving up on our marriage to go and get into a relationship that will have a lot of stresses etc. Because he loves her? Link to post Share on other sites
corazoncito Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 Some people feel the need to "rescue" others. It probably depends on the individual the reason why. Maybe they are codependent, maybe they get a power trip off of it, maybe it distracts them from their having to deal with their own problems. So sorry you are dealing with this. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 I read your previous posts. To me, it sounds like your husband - like so many other spouses - is unhappy with himself. Maybe bored, maybe feeling unsuccessful, like his life should be different. Instead of taking those issues on himself or with you , and because he doesn't know exactly what is making him unhappy - he has decided it is the marriage. So, he enters into this life away from you, away from the stresses that ARE real life and has an affair. Typically a MM has an A with a woman who is vulnerable in some way. Single mothers, women who are going through hard times alone, have low self esteem at the moment , etc. In essence they take advantage of that vulnerability and in return become the Knight in Shining Armor . And what a nice role it is for both of them. He gets to be to her what he cannot be in real life. A protector, a hero, a lover , a MAN. Who knows what visions he has created for her? The fact that he is married, struggling to provide for his family, and living with his mother must have required quite a fairy tale story to overcome. When the logistics and facts must be dealt with - like child support, visitation, his finding a new home, and then when HER reality facts come into play....all will probably change and he will hit rock bottom and realize it is himself he is unhappy with. Sadly, marriages like yours can only be repaired if you can #1 STOP THE AFFAIR. But with him living out of town, I'm not sure thats something you can have a hand in. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 ++++++++++too sure+++++++++++:) Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 Sounds like he is trying to be a knight in shining armor. Does he have a need to be needed. Is his self esteem tied to helping others who he views as incapable of doing it themselves. Looks like he wants to be a hero. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 When you asked your H this question what did he say? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 Sounds like knight in shining armour man to the rescue. And he's getting something big out of it, whether it be an ego feed - Or just knowing that this woman is a complete mess and he can 'fix' her. I agree with Bent 100%. I say, talk to your lawyer and start the D process. He is only thinking of himself, and the only way to wake him up is for you to take control. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 Wow! Sounds like my scenario to a tee! Depressed husband, vulnerable and needy single Mom whose personal life was a mess. Listen, I threw him out, told him to go get her, and concentrated on a better life for me! Two months later, he was begging to come back. Sorry for your pain. I have so been there and lived it. Shut the door tightly, PRETEND you could care less. Work on you. Do not be his mother, therapist, or friend. You can still be friendly, though. Discuss the kids, but do not take responsibility for his relationship with them. That is his issue! I did it all for him, probably too much, and then he crashed into her: a person very opposite from me. Let him save her. You save yourself and just see what shakes out. Good luck to you. Not to give you any false hope, but I am betting it is not over yet for you and him. Link to post Share on other sites
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