I haven't heard from him

[RcBunnys2]

My boyfriend and I recently started a LDR last month. He had to go away for work, about 10 hours away driving, give or take. He helps on his father's farm in the good weather months of the year. The bad thing is that he doesn't have cell service there and little Internet. He told me that he sort of disappears when he goes there. He also works very long days, like up at 5-6am and done around midnight. So we started the LDR and it was working okay, we would talk over computer at night every other night or so. We agreed that as long as he tried to keep in touch with me (I don't have any real way to get hold of him), I would agree to trying to see that he is trying his best and not get mad if we don't talk as much as I would like.

 

Here is my issue: I haven't talked to him at all in about a week and a half. Nothing. I don't know whether to be worried or pissed off. He is supposed to come back for a visit in a couple weeks though. I really like him, but I have started to notice other guys. I want this to work but I have had no contact with him at all. Any advice?

[Island Girl]

My boyfriend and I recently started a LDR last month. He had to go away for work, about 10 hours away driving, give or take.

 

How long have you been a couple?

 

 

He helps on his father's farm in the good weather months of the year.

 

How long is this going to be happening? - The distance?

 

Because the weather in my country just started warming up and is expected to be warmer through about September or even October.

 

The bad thing is that he doesn't have cell service there and little Internet.

 

Is there a land line phone at his dad's? I'd be really surprised if there wasn't...

 

He told me that he sort of disappears when he goes there. He also works very long days, like up at 5-6am and done around midnight.

 

It's farming so I kind of understand what he's talking about. It is kind of a 24/7 job. There is always something that needs to be done.

 

So we started the LDR and it was working okay, we would talk over computer at night every other night or so. We agreed that as long as he tried to keep in touch with me (I don't have any real way to get hold of him), I would agree to trying to see that he is trying his best and not get mad if we don't talk as much as I would like.

 

You both agreed that as long as he is trying you wouldn't get mad? This just seems odd. Perhaps it is the way you put it here. I don't know.

But it should be expected that there be regular contact.

And he should want that just as much as you do.

 

?

 

I completely understand he is busy.

But there should be some time that he can carve out for you on a regular basis.

 

Does his father know about you?

 

Here is my issue: I haven't talked to him at all in about a week and a half. Nothing. I don't know whether to be worried or pissed off.

 

Yeah well this is a REALLY BIG issue.

 

A week and a half?!! And you have NO way of getting hold of him?

Again, there HAS to be a land line phone.

 

If it were me I'd be worried first. This is the first time this has happened and I wouldn't assume the worst right away.

But if he wasn't in a hospital somewhere - and in a coma - THEN ALL HELL WOULD BREAK LOOSE.

I would come unglued!

 

 

He is supposed to come back for a visit in a couple weeks though.

 

What does this mean?

 

That you'll be okay with him dropping off the face of the planet because he is supposed to visit in a couple of weeks? I don't get it.

 

I really like him, but I have started to notice other guys. I want this to work but I have had no contact with him at all. Any advice?

 

Well sweetie, if you are noticing other guys and you have months ahead of you it may be that you aren't cut out for the distance thing.

 

When you feel you are neglected you'll notice other guys.

A lot of women (and men) are the same way.

 

But let's say things get repaired, is it going to be okay with you to have reduced contact for months and can you stay dedicated?

Or do you need to possibly try the relationship again when you aren't dealing with the distance?

 

What do you think?

[KikiW]

A week and a half IS a long time without contact, I would think he could find a phone for even a 5 minute call, or even a voice mail.

 

If you guys get back on track, maybe you could get the address of where he is and write him hand-written letters. Ask him if he would like them, of course - if he's not even going to have time to read them because he's so busy then you will only get upset if you talk and he doesn't mention them.

 

I can totally understand a job sucking up time, especially seasonal work like he's doing, but there HAS to be effort to keep in touch.

[RcBunnys2]

We've only been a couple for about a month prior to this... He has never been in a relationship past a couple weeks. We will have been together for two months on Saturday.

 

He has to stay there for about 4 months, give or take. But right now they are doing seeding there he told me, which is the hardest thing to do and takes up all his time.

 

He has called me from there before, a couple times. He told me he doesn't like phone calls but then I told him that "I don't either, but I make exceptions for people I like." He called me the next day after that. And that was the last time I heard from him.

 

I don't know if his father knows about me.

 

I don't mean I would be fine since he is coming to visit, I just mean that he has a set date to come back here (he has appointments here) so he can't of actually dropped off the face of the earth if he comes back.

 

I really want this to work, but yeah I am feeling neglected. I pretty much though the same as you guys, that this is terrible. I do have his cell number, I think, but I don't even know if it has service.

 

If he really cared he would want to make an effort to talk to me, is what I thought.

[bean1]

If you've been together less than 2 months, are you sure that he is clear that this is a committed relationship? I'm not saying he is dating others, but is he aware of this being a relationship? Especially if he's going to be gone 2x longer than he's been dating you! A lot of guys do not really recognize something as serious at such an early stage. Either way, I think you should ask him these explicit questions.

[justme43]

I'm a negative person by nature until I take the time to think things through which is a couple of days but it seems to me that this young in a relationship let alone a LDR you would need more and expect more. So if you expect more and he can't comply save yourself the heartache of believing this will work. As I have struggled at 44 years of age I know now after a 15 year marriage and 7 years single with 3 sons and my new guy which is LDR for the last 3 years of a 4 year relationship. It won't make me happy. So in your soul of souls you If you can handle this without judgment and being a mother figure for him get OUT Now not saying he isn't a nice guy and all because there is many nice men out there he just isn't the one for you. This relationship may turn you into a insecure person if you don't handle being alone well. Looking at other guys is a good indication that you are lonely and are not fuffilled. My point of view may not be correct but I have been battling demons of a LDR and myself for 3 years and this site has sooo many good people and uplifting stories I have to plug on alone and go through another seperation. Sorry for the typos I wish you the best!!

[RcBunnys2]

Thanks for trying to help, all.

 

He is clear that this is committed. We had a talk about it before he left, making it clear where and what we were. I trust him and I know he is faithful.

 

I have been in a LDR before and it worked, because the guy actually made an effort to talk to me. I am perfectly okay being alone, I just don't know what to do with this lack of contact. I don't want to give up on this one. I actually saw a future with this guy, but now I don't know because I haven't talked to him at all.

[Island Girl]

I am sorry for what I feel I have to say.

 

The two of you were together only a month before he left.

 

This is an extremely short time and not long to get to know each other very well.

 

Now you are unable to really have a whole lot of communication (when he was contacting).

 

He has never had a relationship longer than 2 weeks.

He doesn't know how to do it or what it entails.

 

Now he has fallen off the face of the planet for over a week and a half.

 

This isn't a relationship I'd hang on to.

It is bad enough that he is inexperienced in relationships, etc. That'd be a challenge in itself - but still workable.

 

But the fact you were together such a short time and then looking at the fact that this is supposed to go on for four months just doesn't lead me to have any belief that you should pursue this right now.

 

Maybe you should break it off and then if you are still unattached and want to - start again when he comes back and see how it goes then.

 

And any guy that just disappears for a week and a half should usually be dumped.

The only reason not to is if he was hospitalized without access to a phone or some other plausible and reasonable explanation.

[bean1]

I totally agree with Island Girl.

 

OP- you say he is committed but I don't think you guys have the same idea of committment. If he hasn't had a relationship last past a few weeks, I don't think he really understands what committment is. He SAYS he is committed but not talking to you for 1.5 weeks is not committment.

 

Actions, not words.

[RcBunnys2]

We were indeed together only a month before this, but in that month we spent literally almost all of our free time together. And in that time we talk about anything and everything. I know I don't know everything about him, but I do know him fairly well. It was like one of those "It's only been a month? It feels like way longer!" kind of deals.

 

It isn't supposed to go on like this for 4 month exactly, but at least until summer. Everything was going great until this lack of communication.

 

I guess all I can do right now is wait. I can't exactly break up with him without telling him, even if I wanted to. It's just that I have never met a guy like him before and a part of me wants to keep trying.

[bean1]

We were indeed together only a month before this, but in that month we spent literally almost all of our free time together. And in that time we talk about anything and everything. I know I don't know everything about him, but I do know him fairly well.

 

Yes, you know that he will not speak to you for a week (weeks?) at a time. That's a fact. After one month, you are now starting to realize those things that you don't know about him. I'm not sure why you think that this is acceptable. You are teaching him early on that you accept this treatment. Why do you have an investment in someone so early? You should be cautious at this point - LDR or non-LDR.

[RcBunnys2]

I don't think it is acceptable. I can't figure out what to do about it. And I am not invested completely, I just saw potential in him and don't want to give up yet. I just wish I could talk to him and ask what's goin on.

[Rollercoasterr]

What exactly did you see in this guy as far as potential? He hasn't had a relationship that lasted more than 2 weeks. That's not exactly commitment material to me, or potential material either. And regardless of how much of your time you spent together, keep in mind that it was ONE month. At the early age of one month you're still in the honeymoon stage and do not know much about each other. And I'm sorry, but there's no way you can know a person completely inside and out in one month. That's just not going to happen.

 

I think you seriously need to wake up and realize that in the world of fish or cut bait with relationships, this one needs to be cut. It's not acceptable and you say you don't know what to do, but unless you want to hang around and wait for him to either A.) never call again, B.) Call and say it's just not working out, or C.) Call and give you excuses upon excuses and make you feel like you're stupid for being worried then you NEED to just let this one go. Unless of course you plan on being his doormat, of course.

 

Wake up, please sweetheart. There are plenty of guys with actual potential waiting out there for you. I just don't think this one is it.

[RcBunnys2]

Okay well, say say I wanna break it off, how can I do that if I can't talk to him?

[Island Girl]

Okay well, say say I wanna break it off, how can I do that if I can't talk to him?

 

You consider it over and broken off and he finds out when he thinks he wants to finally contact you.

 

If that never happens then it never happens.

 

But you are technically over when you decide it is over.

[Admiral]

My boyfriend and I recently started a LDR last month. He had to go away for work, about 10 hours away driving, give or take. He helps on his father's farm in the good weather months of the year. The bad thing is that he doesn't have cell service there and little Internet. He told me that he sort of disappears when he goes there. He also works very long days, like up at 5-6am and done around midnight. So we started the LDR and it was working okay, we would talk over computer at night every other night or so. We agreed that as long as he tried to keep in touch with me (I don't have any real way to get hold of him), I would agree to trying to see that he is trying his best and not get mad if we don't talk as much as I would like.

 

Here is my issue: I haven't talked to him at all in about a week and a half. Nothing. I don't know whether to be worried or pissed off. He is supposed to come back for a visit in a couple weeks though. I really like him, but I have started to notice other guys. I want this to work but I have had no contact with him at all. Any advice?

 

This is why long distance relationships are bad. They make both parties repress their sexuality.

 

Your boyfriend has also started noticing other women - probably from the first day without you.

[Island Girl]

Your boyfriend has also started noticing other women - probably from the first day without you.

 

 

He probably sees so many other women while he is working 17 to 19 hour days on a FARM.

[Admiral]

He probably sees so many other women while he is working 17 to 19 hour days on a FARM.

 

Well.. there are animals...

 

Anyway, if you're starting to "notice" other men, it's best you don't be in a relationship. Wait until you can actually be together.

[JeezLouise]

I am not too sure about what sort of farm y'all are talking about, but on the big agricultural farms around here, most folks stop working around dark. If you are harvesting, you can work at night under lights, but that is about it. I have dated many a farmboy, and they don't spend months in the fields with no social breaks!

 

There is one huge government farm here that works 24/7, but they employ a gazillion college kids in the summer. It is a big party there - you do everything all summer long with your shift. Dinner, parties, hanging out, going to the beach on your time off.

 

He has time to call. He doesn't want to call.

[Rollercoasterr]

I agree with the above. I live in Kentucky and there are lots of farms of all different types here, some of them my family own. I don't know any of them that work all day long. My grandfather has a pretty big farm and he gets up early, yeah, but he's still inside of the house for a pretty good lot of the time, and it's only him working it alone. He goes outside at different times of the day to feed the animals, cut hay, harvest and whatnot, but he's never ever gone the ENTIRE day.

 

Somethings fishy about that story he's given her.

[Island Girl]

Somethings fishy about that story he's given her.

 

I know there has to be a working phone there somehow some way.

 

Usually these old farms have a land line phone (and the same number for decades! LOL)

 

Where there is a will there is a way.

 

NC for 2 weeks is just not okay unless he is in a coma in the hospital. And THAT is highly unlikely.

[Rollercoasterr]

Well heck, the farms around here are all on people's land which mean they have a house on it SOMEWHERE. Houses have phones. I don't wanna be on any farm that doesn't have a phone. Never know when Jeepers Creepers is gonna pop out.

 

So yeah, Island Girl is right. Where there is a will there is a way, and there's no will here.

[RcBunnys2]

I still haven't heard from him. I was thinking about calling his mother who lives here and asking if she has heard from him... Is that a good idea, or should I just give up on it all?

[Island Girl]

I still haven't heard from him. I was thinking about calling his mother who lives here and asking if she has heard from him... Is that a good idea, or should I just give up on it all?

 

If you do it would be to have clarification only.

 

She'll definitely know if something happened to him or not.

 

Be prepared to here he is just fine as far as she knows.

And if she doesn't know you or know anything about you (you have been together a very short time) then she may not tell you much of anything at all.

 

If you here he's fine then just move on immediately.

 

No discussion necessary - it is over.

[RcBunnys2]

I know her, since I pretty much spent most of my free time at their house. She likes me so I don't think it would be a problem to call.

 

I guess it would be like the final step in deciding if it's over.