A Night at the Club - My Ex Lets Me Have It

[brokenglass]

(Yet another long post from myself, I either write too much or too descriptively, and I apologize to anyone who decides to read all this)

 

A friend of mine heard about a national band that was coming through town a few days ago and both decided we were going to see them last night. The band is one that both my ex and I are fans of, and during the day yesterday I started to realize that she would more than likely be there, whether by herself or with someone else.

 

Well, my friend and I showed up, got some brews, sat down to watch a volleyball game that was being played and relaxed. About 30 minutes later, I caught her walk in in the corner of my eye and got extremely nervous but kept my cool and pretended like I didn't see her walk in. A moment or two later, I heard her boots walking across the patio and felt a pinch on my side. She said hey, I leaned back and looked at her and said hi and told her she looked phenomenal (which she did), she thanked me, said my new facial piercing looked really good...we stood and talked about really meaningless stuff, our phones and music, she told me about work, I did the same. It was very nice and cordial and friendly and I was happy with how it went and I was happy to see she was in a good mood and happy to be out, even if she was by herself.

 

As the night progressed, it was virtually impossible to avoid seeing eachother. We both smoke, so going outside to smoke and seeing eachother was inevitable. I did not bother or talk to her after our initial conversation when she showed up, she was texting and drinking and I just kept my distance, figuring if she wanted to talk to me she could. I was drinking with my friend and having a good time. We were drinking, talking about how nice it will be to have some extra money in our pockets once we move in a few weeks, etc.

 

Once the main band went on stage I went to take my position up front, and as I passed her I thought to myself, get her attention and see if she'll move up there and give her a spot up front. I grazed her hand and motioned her up to the stage with me and she pushed me away and shook her head no. So I went up and enjoyed myself.

 

At one point, the band played one of their hits that strikes at my heart, especially due to what I've been going through with her, and I got somewhat emotional and went outside to get some air and relax.

 

When I felt better I walked towards the bar where my friend was, and noticed my ex sitting there drinking, looking very drunk (we both were drunk honestly). I asked her for a cigarette and she immediately went off...I asked if she wanted to talk and we did, except there wasn't much talking on my end.

 

She apparently overheard me telling my buddy how nice it'll be to have some extra money not having to pay the now astronomical rent, the high electric bill, we can go out and have fun more often during the summer. She starts calling me everything under the sun, I'm a loser, a dead beat father, manipulative (which at one point in my life was very true), a compulsive liar, telling me people I once considered friends were telling her step-mother that I am a terrible person, shes struggling working three jobs and I brag about having money while she can't save money for a vacation in a few weeks, she hated me, wished I would disappear and never come back, wished I had stayed out in California so she'd never have to look at my face or hear from me again, accused me of going out and spending money and having a good time every night...on and on and on...

 

I tried desperately to get her to calm down and listen to me, let me explain whats going on, because she doesn't know hardly anything anymore, after all we don't speak or see eachother much. She eventually got frustrated and left...and I just lost all composure. I am lucky to have had my friend there, the manager of the club (a very good friend of mine and my ex's) and the bartender whom also is a wonderful friend when I need her, they talked to me and reminded me of all the things I'm doing right, etc. I am eternally grateful for those closest to me.

 

Since her and I have broken up, I've lost 80lbs, I go to the gym 4 days a week, I am on a strict diet where I eat as healthy as I possibly can and keep the amount of food I eat to a minimum. I have been attending therapy for 10 weeks now. I have been reading some of the most profound books that I've ever read in my life and I have changed. I am a positive force, I am healthy and I look amazing.

 

And in a swift instant, the only person in this universe that could make it all come crashing down did exactly that.

 

But I allowed myself to feel the pain of the situation and the altercation, I reflected on why she feels this way and my part in it, I closed my eyes and sent out as much positive energy as I could, wishing and wanting her to find peace, love, happiness, to see where she was wrong and to not look into the past but into the future...

 

I stood back up, straightened my back and shoulders, lifted my head and left with my buddy.

 

At 7:40AM this morning on my way to work, she texted me and apologized for the way she had acted. Later on she messaged me over Facebook and apologized yet again, and we spoke. I explained to her I was not angry or mad and that she was really drunk. I kept it short though, I want to avoid talking to her over the phone, internet or texts as much as possible. I want her to see my face, see that I am not being manipulative anymore, that I'm a genuine person now.

 

I asked if I could take her to lunch and she said yes. So I'll be meeting with her in about an hour and a half, she will more than likely have our son with her, which I am happy about, although I do feel her and I need some alone time to discuss things and air out dirty laundry.

 

I am not expecting anything special or romantic to come out of having lunch with her. My goal is to clear the air, let her speak her mind and speak my own, communicate on a proper level, be adults about this situation and work together. I've accepted she doesn't want to be with me, or rather, she doesn't want to be with the person I once was.

 

Regardless, I am going to turn this negative situation we had last night into a positive outcome, and I can't help but feel that my son, her and I will be much happier as a result.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hmmm I think she still has great feelongs for you, and she doesnt know how to deal with it?

 

What do you want? It sounds like you want to be with her but cnt stand the emotional wishy washiness of it all.

[brokenglass]

I think she still has feelings for me too. Better yet, I think they waned for a time due to my behavior and the things I was doing, but perhaps are starting to surface again?

 

I told her many months ago that I had a plan. I had a path I was going to walk and there was nothing that was going to stop me. I promised I would change, for myself, for our son and for her, for everyone around me. I think for a time, she didn't believe me and resented me for trying to manipulate her, but since then, I have followed the path and I think that she is finally starting to realize that I was dead serious.

 

What do I want..hmm...in terms of her and our son? I want us to start over again. I want her to love me again. I want to date, spend time together and with our son, often, but I also want us to have our own lives and our own friends and not feel like we have to do everything together.

 

I'll be getting a new place with a friend of mine soon. A part of me wishes she'd turn to me and say, "Please don't, I need you to come back home" or something to that effect. However, I firmly think that its best we don't do that. I think the best course of action would be to stay in separate houses but maintain a committed relationship. Ideally I think a year of staying in separate houses, working on ourselves and our careers, saving money and taking care of our personal business yet staying committed to one another would be a healthy challenge for the both of us to take up. It just has to be both ways, obviously, but I would be ready for that.

 

I don't think this is what she wants, I do however think shes confused, perhaps due to the changes I've made and how I conduct myself now. I feel that to a certain degree she is doubting her decisions, I really don't know.

 

But I am going to continue to walk this path. I am going to continue to do what I have been doing.

 

Our lunch went very, very well. We sat and all three of us ate and had a very good time...she apologized many, many times for her behavior last night and seemed to be really upset about what she had said to me. I took the high road, told her that we all make mistakes and that I don't judge, hate or resent her for anything she had said and that I understand the hurt and the pain.

 

She did tell me something that is painful to know...an Xbox friend of hers from Europe has offered to fly her out there for 5 days to a music festival...that worries me and hurts me...but it would be a great opportunity for anyone. I am concerned with this persons motives and why he'd bring her out there, she claims she sees him as nothing but a friend however, I wouldn't really expect her to tell me she was going to have a relationship with him.

 

So right now, I feel good about how lunch went. I feel like we made up, shes sorry for what happened, our relationship is stronger as a result, in whatever sense of the word it is. But, I really couldn't help but walk away feeling like, THIS is what we need. Being separate like this is unnecessary, we can make this work, we love eachother and we have a beautiful son together. I still love her as much as I always have.