One more for Tony!

[sue]

Hi Tony: Thanks again for your great advice. I've been struggling with some of these issues for years and you are right on for some reason. I guess my problem is that I seem to continually become attracted to men that I meet. Even though I have someone. I continually question whether or not I am happy. To be truthful, I have been married for several years. Through the years, I have met men that I really get along with well, seem to gel with. I then feel like something is missing in my own life. I can't put my finger on what it might be. Eventually, I retreat from whoever I have an interest in. This man seems to be a good example. I enjoy the conversations a lot. I find myself becoming attracted. I am home the rest of the week feeling some kind of void in my life. I am really afraid if I left my marriage I would be alone. Maybe like you said, for some reason, there was a weird event in my life. I'm not able to have a friendship with a man - because I equate the friendship with romantic feelings. For some reason, I can't distinguish. Thanks for any thoughts. Sue

[Tony T]

You make the void in your life, not anyone else. If you expect any human, any relationship, any marriage, any amount of money, or any computer program to fill some sort of void in your life, you are in BIG trouble.

 

Relationships are meant to enhance our lives, not fill a void or make us happy. We make ourselves happy. Each of us is singularly and totally responsible for how we feel about ourselves, others and life in general. You feel a void, most likely, because you are awaiting some gigantic cosmic event to occur in order to fill it. This will NOT happen.

 

There are many people who just love new relationships, new people and dream constantly, no matter what their marital state. You are one of them. The world remains a candy store for you. There are so many men in the world you are assured of a fresh supply daily that you can get excited about and dream about. I guess you can do this and remain married but you don't seem to be happy in that state.

 

My advice would be to exit your current situation and just play for a while. You could actually do that until such time as you feel you need someone to grow old with. If you want children, there is artificial insemination. But I must warn you that fewer men will get interested in a woman with small children and you won't have all that much time for men.

 

You feel like something is missing in your life because something is missing in YOU. This is called an existential crisis. You need to stop worrying about it. Many people feel the same way but drown out those feelings with relationships, drugs, alcohol, overspending, overeating, gambling and other addictions.

 

I have struggled with the meaning of life for many years and have come to the conclusion that its only meaning is to experience as many things as we can and be happy with the moment. I suggest you search for a spiritual group that may meet your needs. Read some books on Budhism. Budhists seem to be pretty happy most of the time without needing much from the outside. Or you can try a salad of spiritual experiences that may help fulfill you.

 

It sounds like your achilles heel is happiness. No matter where you're at in life, you need to go one notch up to really be happy...and when you get there, it takes another notch...and another and you never arrive at contentment.

 

Be patient with yourself. What you are going through is normal but you need to do some work to pull yourself out of it. You may as well decide right now that you are in the only life you will ever live and you owe it to yourself to do whatever is necessary to make your journey on planet earth the best possible one.

 

Staying in a poor marriage because you are afraid of being alone is like keeping $1 billion of stock certificates because you are afraid of having to pay income tax. Being alone doesn't kill, doesn't hurt, and in the end, there is only one person to a box. You are alone for eternity. Take some time to find somebody special...if it takes 20 years, it will be worth it for you...but DON'T look for them to make you happy...you must do that yourself.

 

You are a victim of what author Robert Ringer called the Better Deal Theory. No matter who you chose to be in a relationship with, there is ALWAYS somebody better out there. But, the sad part is when people are a victim of the Better Deal Theory, they can be very lonely right to their grave.

 

Find the right person, commit to him, then no more coffee and conversations with people you want more from and no more looking for other people to fix your happiness thing.

 

This will be my last post to you for a few weeks. For Gawd's sake, I wouldn't want you getting addicted to my answers. I hope you will set a course for yourself and work towards a goal of self-sufficiency and self-acutalization.

 

Remember, every person is the architect of his own destiny and his own happiness.