Help!!!!! Boyfriend going out for drinks with an Ex-bonk??!!

[Layla]

My boyfriend and I get on really well. Throughout our relationship he has been really understanding and loving.

 

He just told me that this girl is in town he sometimes does business with. She works for the same bank but in another town. They are meeting up tomorrow night for a drink.

 

He told me a while ago that he once had a one night stand with her but it meant absolutely nothing to him

 

As I say, my boyfriend has been faithful throughout our relationship and I'm not worried that he's in love with her (although she is quite pretty) She is actually known as a bit of a "mattress" in the business environment she works

 

I just can't accept that he goes out with her tomorrow evening.

 

Please help! How should I confront him?!

[jalexy]

go with him, have a good time

[UCFKevin]

Ew.

 

Wow, that sucks.

 

On one hand, if you confront him, he may tell you straight up you have nothing to worry about and that there's nothing between he and her.

 

On the other, he could get upset with you not trusting him and in the worst scenario, that might drive him to do something stupid.

 

Before anyone says that couldn't happen, oh yes it could, it's happened to me. Not trusting someone led to them taking advantage of that. "Well, as long as you don't trust me, I might as well screw around."

 

granted, she wasn't right in the head, but still....

[Layla]

I have met her at a party once and you can really tell, that she is one of those chicks who sleeps her way to the top and uses people.

 

I really don't like these sort of girls as I only sleep with someone I really love.

 

Yes, I guess I could join them but for one; don't want to look like the girl who watches out that nothing happens.

 

On the other hand it drives me crazy the have the three of us sit at a table and thinking that they had sex once!!

 

My boyfriend is such an **hole!

[UCFKevin]

Yeah. Lose lose situation.

 

I wouldn't go with them. That REALLY shows you don't trust him and that you need to chaperone.

[Layla]

You know, my boyfriend is a really FINE guy. Doing almost everything for me, and making me so happy.

 

I don't "mind" if there is really dear and old friend of his who he once slept with and he is still in contact with that girl.

 

But I can't see why he doesn't just not see this girl. There is nothing in Business she can really give him (she's way under him) and he knows how much it hurts me to know that they're spending an evening together.

 

She doesn't give a **** about my boyfriend, in fact has blown him out a few times.

 

If she had a boyfriend who would be hurt by her going out with an Ex-bonk, surely she wouldn't.

 

What I'm trying to say is: preventing a fight between me and my boyfriend and protecting me should be more important to my boyfriend than spending a few hours with a girl who can't really give him anything and is - how he claims- not a friend of his but some semi-interesting work colleague.

 

More input please!!

 

It really helps!

[Layla]

Guys

 

I just had a fight with my boyfriend. And he doesn't see what my problem is?!

 

Is he stupid?

[UCFKevin]

What did you say and what did he say?

[Layla]

I don't know the fight was quite serious.

 

OK, I have to say something first. I have been a bit bad lately around the house and generally doing things for my boyfriend.

 

He, as the contrary wrote me the most beautiful love letters recently, took me out for nice dinners and gave me flowers the other day. He told me the other day how I really meant the world to him.

 

 

Therefore I sort of hated starting a fight with him as he is also very stressed in his projects at the moment.

 

I said that I wouldn't want my boyfriend to be seen with a local "brokers-mattress" and that it hurts me that we fight over someone who has no significance to him and why for heavens sake, he has to go out with her.

 

For your understanding: he's different from me. I am 28 and have slept with 4 men so far. I would NEVER jump in bed with just someone. He has done this quite a lot in the past and I hate it!

 

I just told him that he wasn't being fair and that me being hurt should be more important to him than those two hours out with a chick who isn't even his friend but will probably make her generel little moves on him. (Like she does with those other guys)

 

He got upset and said I should know that he loves me and that I am overreacting and should give him a break!

 

Maybe you should read my other posts and get a bit of an insight of our - so far - more or less good relationship.

 

I'm thankful for your help

[UCFKevin]

Whoa.....I think you took things off with the very wrong foot in that argument, about the broken mattress thing. It doesn't sound like you kept your cool at all, which will doom a conversation from the start.

[CaterpillarGirl]

In cases as these, it's best to put yourself in the opposite role.

 

How would you feel if your boyfriend demanded that you not see an aquaintance of yours?

Would you feel untrusted to behave yourself? Would you feel angry at someone trying to exert their control over you? Would you feel confused? Would you feel that their arguments were personally reasonable?

 

Perhaps I should restate --

what is the outcome of this situation (him going to dinner w/her) that scares you the most?

is this a reasonable fear?

[jalexy]

i dont understand why you are calling him an a**h*** then defending him.....very very odd

[Iamhappy]

Maybe you should read my other posts and get a bit of an insight of our - so far - more or less good relationship.

 

Layla, sweetie, I think maybe you ought to go back and read your own posts. You paint a very rosy picture of your relationship, but I almost get the feeling that you want people to tell you otherwise. Honey, why do you feel the need to portray your relationship and your boyfriend as all sweetness and light when you obviously have issues with both?

[Layla]

No, I don't want you guys to believe that my relationship is all perfect! It is not! But I want to be fair here and I can categorically say that he is a fine chap who tries hard to make this relationship work by listening to everything I bring up very patiently, being wonderfully expressive about his feelings towards me etc.

 

Why hide that fact?! I do believe that I am a bit of a complicated one and really think and worry way to much. He is very gentle about the whole fact. Why make him look like a bad person. Yes, maybe the relationship isn't always perfect but I can say that he puts a lot of effort in it and I appreciate it.

 

Now..... this does NOT mean we don't fight at all. But every fight we had so far maybe took two hours until we decided to let it go and just moved on and focus on what we have!

 

All I want to do is put my anger into perspective and let you guys know what those maybe 5, maybe 10% of the relationship looks like; that is when we have arguments.

 

Last night he came home and made dinner for me and himself, we sat down and laughed so much. Then he said:" UUh, you won't like this but this chick is in town to do business and I have arranged to go for a drink after work." I stayed very calm, but went over to his chair and pinched him quite hard saying:" you know I don't like that!". He then took me in his arms saying:" I know you don't but you also know that I really love you and it is only an hour's drink after all. You are the one I want to be with, you know that!"

 

Anyway, I kept nagging, ending up insulting him that he used to sleep with sluts and proposing that he must feel really cheap etc. Just those nasty things women can do and say to you guys.

 

He got up and said:" I don't think we need to drag this out any further" and went to the other room. Which sucked!

 

Anyway, I ended up not sleeping in our bedroom but the spare room. This morning coffee was ready for me and he was nice saying:"I won't go out with her but then you'll have to stop going out with single guys, as well". (which I admit I do, but I never jumped in bed with them).

 

He said this relationship is important to him and he indeed doesn't want to create the wrong impression when people see him with a single chick.

 

I suggested he asked a friend of his to join (he also does business with her). He said that's what he'll do.

 

I am still shaking about last nights fight as I HATE controlling my boyfriend. But he just somehow doesn't see that the thought of him going out with a "loose" girl he once ****ed (sorry) really hurts.

 

I feel like he has just given in to me because I annoyed him last night :-( What do you guys reckon?

 

I know that these fights linger in guys head longer than they do in ours. I think guys want a buddy as a girlfriend who is loyal to them and makes their life easier not harder.

 

I WANT to be his buddy, who is GOOD for him and cares about him!! On the other hand I do have my pride and feel that there are certain limits.

 

I mean he has got ALL the freedom he wants. I literally force him to see his friends, also on the weekends. He can go on 3 days golfing courses with them, see them 6 nights a week without me EVER nagging. But going out with an Ex-bonk is a different story.

 

Don't you all agree?

[jenny]

baby, i'm so worried about this all. i'm worried about you.

 

it sounds to me like you are almost hunting for reasons to be insecure: marriage, money, ex-es, bonks, etc; when you have no objective need to be so, by your admission.

 

i don't like suggesting this for no reason, but i think you might want to see a counsellor about some self-esteem stuff. your life is going great, why are you trying to sabotage it with these dramas and fears?

 

or, is there something else about this guy that makes you feel so consistently and erroneously insecure?

 

i think we are missing a root cause here somehow. i feel for you and hope you keep posting...

[Layla]

Hi Jenny

 

Thanks so much for your post. Funny enough for the first time in my life I saw a counsellor last week as I just do feel like my self-esteem has left me and my whole life seems blurry!

 

This is why it is so important to me to put my boyfriend in a good light as I really believe he's cool and it lies more within me.

 

As much as I can say that my last boyfriend treated me badly and am honest about that one I guess I can tell that this one is, most of the time, a cool guy. I am not trying to paint all in rose or whatever but I do not particularly believe that he is the source of my problem, quite the contrary.

 

I come from a very kind family. Unfortunately my dad (the MOST important person in my life) passed away 10 years ago when I was 18. You guys do not want to know how.

 

I have been super strong for 10 years, looking after my mum, who is now doing really well. I have never showed any feelings about my father leaving me from one day to the other. When I was with my last (quite abusive) boyfriend I would still be cool and strong about ANYTHING.

 

It has only been since I have known this guy that all my pain, my worries, my insecurities are flushing out of me.

 

I really believe it has to do with the most important person in my life just dying.

[jenny]

o yes, this makes so much sense. you take care of people, i think, as a matter of course. i suspect you are very very strong...

 

now be strong for yourself. and for him. this man loves you, as any man would. there is no reason to feel insecure about him. i think he maybe does not make dysfunctional demands on your time or attention, so you might be worried he does not need you - but he does, and he needs you to remain strong and sure of yourself.

 

i really wish i could make you understand what a rare commodity the hard-working, up by her own bootstraps woman is in this world. he is lucky to have you and lucky to be rid of previous skanks and mattress chicks. i think he knows it. i think you don't.

 

i've occasionally seen the counsellor at my school when i start getting wiggy about my mom - it helps, ey? we create our own anxieties so much....

 

if its not too strange, one thing that might help you is find even another activity where you are valued for who you are. young girls, and i speak from experience - especially young poor girls - NEED you to speak to them to show another alternative to the deadening 'get up, clean up, change up, feed up, drink up' kind of life. someone like you spoke to me when i was thirteen and it totally changed me...

 

i think this is an internal problem - think of how you can honour the person you have lost with your own love and talents....

 

cheers, j

 

 

 

 

<as a general aside and p.s. - i have to say volunteer work has been the single most effective form of self help i've ever encountered; it has helped in all my relationships. do volunteer work for self-interest, giggles, it's worth it. it helps one professionally, personally, and spiritually, i think. it's worth the hour every week. if nothing else, it helps one understand what a citizen is, or should be. plus, many people yelling at one will help one understand that one does not truly logically comprehend the problems of the raped or the homeless. so far, i have learned that i know nothing.>

[UCFKevin]

Anyway, I kept nagging, ending up insulting him that he used to sleep with sluts and proposing that he must feel really cheap etc. Just those nasty things women can do and say to you guys.

 

Oh man.

 

That was really not a good thing to do at all.