Attachment issues?

[birdmadgirl]

I only seem to like men who don't like me back.

 

Before I'm lambasted for that statement, let me assure you that I am plenty ashamed of it. It's certainly not a conscious decision to only seem to be interested in men who are totally ambivalent about my presence in their lives, or actively do not want me in them. Similarly, I really do crave the kind of emotional intimacy with someone that sends me running for the hills the moment I see it's possible to have it.

 

The good thing is that now that I've realized this, I've taken myself off the market until I get some professional help. In the meantime, if there's anyone reading who has struggled with this -- male or female -- could you please let me know how you handled it?

 

Here's an example of what I'm talking about:

 

There was once a man whose company I sought above all others. He was funny, but not flashy. Blindingly intelligent, but able to relate to most people. Stoic, but very tender with me. Perfect, in other words. We began dating, and suddenly, the thought of being with him made me jump off a cliff. We broke things off, and then started dating again a year later. Rinse, repeat. Now, he won't speak to me. I do not blame him, but I find myself thinking about him almost constantly (I dare not pursue him again, for what it's worth).

 

Again, I'm asking for serious replies and no bashing. It's hard enough for me to admit that I have this problem without the insinuation that I break men's hearts for kicks. I don't, and now that I've recognized this about myself, it makes me sick and very fearful for my future.

 

Thanks in advance...

[birdmadgirl]

Also, in the interest of giving a more recent example, this came up because I began seeing a guy who seemed genuinely interested in me after a series of dates with men who did not. Rather than enjoy the lack of ambiguity, I feel very anxious and no longer look forward to the interaction.

[carhill]

Directing attention to this past thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t141307/

 

I would opine a series of IC sessions would be a worthwhile pursuit.

[birdmadgirl]

I agree, Carhill. I have to see someone appointed by my insurance company first, who will then refer me to a counselor for sessions (if that's what you're alluding to; my apologies if I've misunderstood). My appointment is scheduled for Tuesday.

 

I'm just trying to see if there's anyone else here who has had this experience and how they've overcome it.

[carhill]

If you want to read the other side of the story, read my journals, in particular the ones pertaining to my longtime female friend.

 

Recently, she opined that she has screwed up every relationship with a man who genuinely loved her and has, almost without exception, gravitated towards what she calls "convenient" relationships, where it is easy to remain detached but still have a lifestyle and companionship which she finds comfortable. Frankly, a man like myself scares her to death. We've remained friends because I'm very good at managing my emotions and have had therapy (unrelated MC) so I can process the attachment issues better. My wife was the same way, remaining detached, where I felt like I was always chasing her. Very unhealthy.

 

I hope you find your path and some peace. Do you think you're emotionally unavailable, even though you analyze relationship dynamics in great detail? Why?

[birdmadgirl]

The really sick thing, Carhill, is that I find that, rather than gravitate toward these "convenient" relationships that give me the opportunity to remain detached, I seem to gravitate toward men who are emotionally unavailable and try to make them want me.

 

Case-in-point:

 

I was involved with someone for quite some time. The gentleman in question had serious mommy issues (as in, his mommy hated me and did everything she could to break us up). Rather than view his obvious disinterest as being just that, I made excuse after excuse for his behavior, tried desperately to make him want me, but could only seem to manage to do that during the times I exhausted myself and directed my focus elsewhere (school, work, music). This may be the only individual whose attention and affection has never made me uncomfortable in any way, but after giving it some serious thought, I've reached the conclusion that I was never uncomfortable because I never saw enough interest to believe I'd have it with any regularity. The relationship lasted many years beyond the point it should have died, and it was on-again, off-again. I'd be "too" interested, he'd disappear. I'd move on, he'd come back, I'd show too much interest, he'd leave again. Over and over and over again, to be exact. Sick, sick, sick, I know.

 

I do not enjoy being single. I do not like playing the field or dating multiple people. I don't even like doing that much on my own (although I can, and have been for quite some time). I am very giving, emotionally, and prefer to have one person to whom I can give that, but I clearly have trouble with receiving it. Is this because I'm afraid of losing it someday? That's the best explanation I can come up with. That, or I've been subconsciously playing the very game I profess to hate my entire romantic life, and that's a pretty hard pill to swallow.

 

Going back to read your journals here in a bit.

[carhill]

So, to boil it down, you appear to pursue emotionally unavailable men because there is something about your psychology which finds value in your pursuit, your selfless giving, but the act of receiving reciprocation is repulsive to you. Does that sound right?

 

Maybe I'm understanding this wrong, or have my terminology wrong, but, generally, an attachment disorder is where you have difficulty attaching emotionally to another human being, independent of their attachment to you.

 

The best way I can explain my wife's dynamic was that I felt she always had an arm out, keeping me at a certain distance emotionally. It didn't matter how attached I became. She still didn't believe in me and the strength of the bond. Any sort of conflict led to that arm growing, pushing me further away. She never could understand how I could be conflicted with her, yet still embrace her and show her I loved her. The concept of empathy was lost upon her.

 

Somehow, I don't think this describes you. You sound more like I was and still am a bit; one of our longtime female posters, Trialbyfire, noted I might be unconsciously attracted to or attract emotionally unavailable females due to my sensitive personality and desires to save, fix, comfort, etc.. In essence, I have been creating my own unhealthy relationship dynamics. Does that make any sense?

[birdmadgirl]

It makes a LOT of sense.

 

Both the men I've referenced in this thread needed someone to love them... to fix them. The first man because he was the victim of a lifetime of psychological abuse at the hands of his mother. The second was someone who had never had a romantic relationship in his life. I saw so many things about him that I found incredibly desirable that I wanted him to see them, too, and so I made it my mission to lift him up. It was HEAVEN until he started reciprocating. At first, I saw his self-esteem grow by leaps and bounds. He became fairly outgoing and socially confident, and it was so wonderful to watch him blossom. Then, I'd start getting phone calls or thoughtful emails in the middle of the day telling me how beautiful he thought I was, how much he loved me, and how much he looked forward to our time together. These were things I professed to want very much, but I'd read them and have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. The sick feelings gave way to panic eventually, and I never had the courage to determine why that was.

 

I wish that I could go back and ask the second guy to just RECEIVE and not give, because he was flipping awesome. I know it's not right, but it would have worked. It also would have completely masked the issue.

[carhill]

You know what that sick feeling is? That's you telling yourself that what your reading/seeing/hearing isn't real. It's manufactured. I've battled this, many years ago. Essentially, it revolved around my self-esteem. I thought they were lying or manipulating me because I didn't feel worthy (regardless of whether, in reality, I was or not) of their reciprocation.

 

I saw signs of this later in my M, when my wife did occasionally make efforts to connect emotionally with me. After so many years of being pushed away, I thought her efforts were just a lie to manipulate me into something else. I lost my faith in myself. MC helped with that.

 

I think you'll find IC with a good psychologist to be beneficial. Clarity of understanding will bring more positive energy into your world. You'll be confident and looking for those emotionally available guys to have that healthy connection with. Well, that's my hope anyway

[birdmadgirl]

Thank you for your responses, Carhill. About ten minutes ago, the new guy began emailing me sweet things and telling me how much he enjoys me, and I just broke down and began crying. I really want this, but having it is so scary.

 

Tuesday can't get here quickly enough.

[OpenBook]

There was once a man whose company I sought above all others. He was funny, but not flashy. Blindingly intelligent, but able to relate to most people. Stoic, but very tender with me. Perfect, in other words. We began dating, and suddenly, the thought of being with him made me jump off a cliff. We broke things off, and then started dating again a year later. Rinse, repeat. Now, he won't speak to me. I do not blame him, but I find myself thinking about him almost constantly (I dare not pursue him again, for what it's worth).

 

You may not be looking at him clearly during the "off" times. There's a good reason why you wanted to "jump off a cliff" when you were with him. Do you know what that reason is? Did you start feeling claustrophobic? Was there something about him that nauseated you?

 

You may be simply under the old "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" spell. You idealize the guy's good traits and completely forget the bad ones, because your own loneliness is warping your thinking and objectiveness.

 

This is just a wild guess... and based on my own experiences with this. I could be completely wrong about you. I just know that for me, that "jumping off a cliff" feeling was an important indicator of our fundamental incompatibility. It took me a long time to realize it.

[birdmadgirl]

Good questions, OpenBook.

 

Admittedly, the second guy was significantly overweight. Not an unattractive guy by any stretch of the imagination, but obese. I've always been the kind of girl who goes more for the face, anyway, but I digress. I sometimes wondered if this had anything to do with it that I did not allow myself to acknowledge consciously. I dismissed that when I found it very easy to fantasize about him when he would not talk to me (as is the case now). When I say he had a LOT going for himself, he was absolutely ideal in every sense of the word, with that lone exception.

 

I feel just as panicky about this new guy, who is in GREAT shape and nearly as awesome with regard to his personality. The only similarity between the two is that they seem(ed) to be interested in me. The feeling I am having now is identical in every way to the feeling I had before. Fundamentally, both men are everything I look for in a guy. Smart, funny, personable, ambitious. I'm not sure if it's a fundamental incompatibility I'm looking at so much as it is just not wanting to be wanted, at a subconscious level. I'm sure that doesn't make much sense, hence why I'm paying someone to help me out with that. Heh.

 

The first guy -- the one with mommy issues -- had a nice body but an unattractive face. The only reason that worked for as long as it did was because he managed to be totally aloof about 90% of the time we were together.

[carhill]

Thank you for your responses, Carhill. About ten minutes ago, the new guy began emailing me sweet things and telling me how much he enjoys me, and I just broke down and began crying. I really want this, but having it is so scary.

 

Tuesday can't get here quickly enough.

Key advice: Place less importance on these emotions. Feel them; acknowledge them, but give them appropriate weight. Imagine giving them this kind of weight after you've known this guy a year. Visualize that.

 

Remember, it's OK to feel all these things, even that cliff thing. Some of those emotions are messages. Process those with your intellect. IMO, there is nothing more formidable than emotion operating with the benefit of intellect. The best of intuition and sensitivity coupled with cognition and life experience. Great stuff.

[Lakers5peat09]

You sound just like the 20-year-old lady I'm interested in (and the one that hasn't talked to me for a month). It seems to me that you are having trouble figuring out what exactly you want? I know exactly how it feels. I've been played by this same female for 9 months now and we haven't even dated.

 

Both this girl and I have this problem. We want what we can't have. I want her and I can't have her. She wants the last guy she was with and can't have him (even though she has shown interest in me, then denies it and acts like a total idiot).

 

Seems to me that the three of us have some emotional issues here. If I knew the answers to our problems I'd gladly tell you them.

 

Hope I don't sound harsh. And I'm probably making no sense. Good luck!