Army-LDR-Thinking about marriage.

[megrenade]

So my boyfriend joined the Army in January '09... I've been 5 months without him so far... 5 months to go. Ultimately, we've been together for 2 years.

 

He should be going over seas, for 12 months at the least, sometime next year.

 

Lately we've been talking about getting married so I can live with him when he gets stationed in November. That's not the only reason; can't forget to add we're madly in love.

 

My mother (and his aunt and uncle) have given us their blessings... but maybe in another year or two.

 

We've been discussing everything and it all sounds really good. I know that it would work out, and I'm very sure of our relationship. We basically have everything planned out. We've drawn out the financial aspect of living together married and not married.

 

I think he's going to "pop the question" in October when he comes home for leave... and we're going to surprise everyone Christmas.

 

But remember, this is all just ideas... nothing is yet set in stone!

 

Is marriage a bad idea? Or good? Any input would be good. Thanks.

[megrenade]

Uhh. Thanks for the input?

[GorillaTheater]

I had considered answering, talking about how hard military life was on marriages, but second-guessed myself not wanting to be a downer when you seem so happy. You may want to talk to folks who have been married while in the military though.

[You'reasian]

I'd imagine the two of you would have to be very comfortable and secure with each other, since you will ultimately spend alot of time apart. Since you say you've been together for the past 2 years - we're you attached by the hip? If so, being apart will be hard.

[megrenade]

Yeah, I've been really dependent on him since we started dating. We lived together for quite a while.

 

This time apart has been Hell, but I know that the time we DO spend together won't be taken for granted.

 

We get to talk every day on the phone, e-mail, MySpace, etc., etc. But he only gets so much free time.

 

When he deploys is when it's going to really get tough.

[Mikew]

I was in the Marines for 4 years and I've seen all kinds of bad things between married people regardless of being deployed or not deployed.. What I have learned is that with a military marriage all the keys have to be 10 times as strong as a civilian marriage...Things like communication, trust, commitment, understanding have to be very strong especially when he is deployed. I'm not saying it can't or won't work but odds are definitely stacked against marriages working in the military, there are stats to back this up. If you both are very committed to the marriage I believe that it will work, but things change, people change and being apart for 10-12 months is hard.

 

There are lots of questions you both need to ask yourself like if he's not the same person when he gets back, will you still love him?, and vice versa he needs to ask himself the same thing, if he's different is he still going to love you? There is nothing wrong with getting engaged and staying engaged until his time in service is over.

 

One thing I do know from my experience is that the desert does something to you..weather it's good or bad is for each person, but you do come back as a different person, some people come back and change and some people never do.

 

Sorry to be such a downer or too sound like one.. I really hope it works out for you guys. I just wanted to give you my honest opinion and feedback.

[sb129]

I don't see why its a bad idea- you have obviously talked about it quite a bit.

 

It will be tough, but so will being apart. Sounds like you have considered the practical aspects.

 

Good luck....

[megrenade]

Totally understand.

 

I've been over all the different aspects in my head, and everything seems plausible.

 

I've had a lot of negative feedback about all of this.

 

My cousin came back from the army... being in iraq... and he was a nut job when he came home. He'd have flashbacks and start fighting with people, or being really violent.

 

But my boyfriend is doing computer stuff, so he won't be on the frontline or anything, thank God.

[SoulSearch_CO]

Former Army wife, here. But I never dealt with deployments. I do have several Army wife friends, still. And I've seen all the good and the bad. I've heard the horror stories and seen the marriages torn apart over PTSD. All I'll say in that regard is don't think he's immune to it. If he's in the sandbox, there's always a possibility that the enemy could throw something his direction. In addition, XH went over for DS1 (Desert Storm 1) and was only supposed to be supply - no front-line work at all. He ended up being sent to clean up bodies off the ground. He also had a good friend of his get blown up in Basic. As long as guns, bombs, NBCs and heavy artillery are involved, it CAN happen. You have to be sure you're prepared for this possibility. Don't discount it. Know EVERY danger and make SURE you're ready. Wearing rose-colored glasses will not help but to blind you.

 

I'm not trying to scare you away from marrying him. Some military marriages I've seen are the ones I admire the most for their strength. You just need to go into this with your eyes WIDE OPEN. It might help you to visit an Army wife forum. One of my favorites is on armywives.com. Not only is there a ton of information just on the website itself (to help understand the lifestyle, the lingo, etc), but 14th link down on the left-hand side is the support forum. You could probably get more in-depth opinions from the women "on the front lines," so to speak. Good luck!