Can't deal with my best friend anymore!

[missmich]

I don't want to lose him though. We became friends 6 years ago and he's been there for me through a lot. We actually dated casually at first. I became very dependent on him in some ways and neither of us really hung out with anyone else. We stopped all the fooling around close to 4.5 years ago and have been platonic since then.

 

I've dated a few guys since then and only one that he met. He got really wasted and threw up that night! Maybe cuz he was jealous?

 

Now that I'm with someone else,just dating but more serious then anyone else. He's met him and doesn't like him at all! I think there's some jealousy there. He's always make snide remarks about this new guy and it hurts me.

 

Throughout our friendship we've often fought over dumb things and he always pushed my buttons. We stopped fighting for a few months and have started again. It's to the point where I don't even want to see him or talk to him.

 

I no longer feel comfortable telling him about this new guy b/c I'm afraid of the remarks. He knows this too. he keeps saying I pushed him aside when I met this guy...and I admit that I did a little. Now I'm making an effort not to but he hasn't stopped the comments at all. If I call him or invite him over he says to me "oh you mean the other guy (uses his name) isn't over tonight?" or something like that.

 

He's 25(I'm older then he is) and acts like he's 12 most days. I've always had issue with his immaturity and now it's just really getting to the point where I can't deal with it anymore!

 

How can I get him to understand how the comments make me feel and to stop them and to save our friendship?

[Datura]

Give him an ultimatum.

You might also want to refrain from mentioning the man you're dating to him. Make it a don't ask don't tell kind of deal.

[WTRanger]

It sounds to me like this guy's no where near being over his feelings for you. It seems to me like he's been in a waiting pattern for the last 4.5 years hoping things would re-kindle between the two of you. I don't think the two of you see eye to eye on what you are defining as "platonic."

 

The snide comments, the getting completely wasted around your boyfriend. That's all to mask his hurt, his feelings, his jealousy. If he's making your life that difficult, maybe you should just focus on your boyfriend for a while.

 

Have you flat out told him that you'll only ever see him as a platonic friend?

[carhill]

He's triangle boy, erstwhile back burner boyfriend. She won't give him up

 

So, OP, you dated, he was there for you and you became dependent upon him. Let me guess. You broke up with him, right?

 

It's really time to set him free. That takes guts. Let's see how you do....

[missmich]

We were never really boyfriend/girlfriend more like friends who fooled around once in a while who then became really good friends. I got too emotional and wanted more from him so I said we had to stop the fooling around. So we did. BUT we did still hold hands and cuddle until I met this new man. Just one mistake that I made.

 

I'd always ask him though if his feelings had changed for me and he always said no,no,no. So I moved on.

 

I told him today that I no longer wanted to talk about the new guy with him and he asked why so I told him that I just wasn't comfortable talking about him anymore and he got mad about that. I'll just keep things to myself from now on though.

 

I did want to be with him for a long time and always told him that(another mistake I made),but then realize we would never work in that way. I even said that if he ever got a gf or I got a bf things would change and they have. Change is good,but I don't think he's taking it well at all.

 

I don't want to lose him as my friend,but he needs to stop the remarks and all that. He doesn't like the new guy cuz he feels he judged him when they met,yet he judges him. He's trying to make it a competition but the new guy won't take part in it though.

 

We did have a good long talk today about some of the changes that we need to make and hopefully they happen soon and somewhat smoothly.

 

I'm going to try and make the effort to not make him feel pushed aside and won't talk about the new man with him.

 

The new man isn't my bf yet either...we're taking it slow.

[carhill]

So was this a FWB deal that went emotional?

 

Regardless, his commentary about your BF and other aspects of your intimate relationships with others is inappropriate. He's first and foremost a friend, and friends support each other. Set that boundary firmly.

 

Why wouldn't you and he "work in that way"?

 

I'm finding it a bit hard to believe that he hasn't had a girlfriend in over four years. Me, I can believe, but I'm abnormal .

 

What do you make of his psychology? Does he seem "normal" to you? I ask because I keep getting this odd vibe...

[missmich]

He hasn't a GF at all since I've known him actually nor has he dated anyone since we met. He's a good looking guy too and I don't know why he hasn't met anyone. I kinda think that he does have feelings for me and didn't act on them b/c his parents would not approve of us. he's Indian and I'm white and 33.

 

I got to emotional during the FWB days and he understood that if he couldn't give me more then we'd have to stop.

 

I say we'd never work b/c he is to immature for me at times. He still yells out PIGS under his breath when sees the police and uses the term "that's so gay" to often for me. Stuff like that.

 

He seems normal to me I guess. I kinda think he may be gay and not willing to admit it b/c he's ashamed and scared. I could be wrong though.

[carhill]

If he was gay, you'd likely have felt it when having sex with him. He doesn't seem to be that big of a faker. Perhaps his rudeness comes from the same immature place that the other behaviors come from. Perhaps there is a battle going on inside him and it leaks out with inappropriate behavior. Hard to know.

 

All that said, it's not your problem. Simply tell him what you want from him and ask him how he feels about that. Communicate. If he can't meet your needs as a friend, end the friendship.

[missmich]

We never actually had sex. I told him that if we did I'd get to attached so we never had sex.

 

I'm going to set some boundries with him and see how he does. There are some improvements that I've seen.

 

Maybe he just needs a little more time. I think I kinda put a little to much pressure on the boys to be friends.

[carhill]

OK, friends with almost benefits

 

What does this mean?

 

I think I kinda put a little too much pressure on the boys to be friends.

[missmich]

Well....this new man knows that I used to sorta date my best friend and he wanted to meet him and being the Drama Queen that I am... I made a huge deal of it! The new man was concerned that he was going to come between 2 best friends and he didn't want me to lose my best friend b/c of him. So I made them meet the day he told me this and told my best friend to be on his best behavior. Before they met I joked that they'd be like cousins/best friends since they have the same common Indian last name. Yeah they really have nothing in common and are nothing alike at all in any way!

[carhill]

Can I gently suggest to keep the men in your life separated (both physically and psychologically) until you've built intimacy with the new BF/dating partner over a period of time? Telling your BMF about having a new love interest is one thing, but sharing details about the person, or details about your BMF, can wait. People have friends and they have lovers. Everyone doesn't have to be intimately acquainted.

 

This is how triangles begin. Try avoiding talking about your dating partner and ask your BMF to agree not to question you specifically, for now.

[missmich]

I have decided to keep them separate for awhile and not let them meet again until it's more serious with him. I never tell my best male friend about anything sexual that I do! Just not comfortable with that! lol I don't think it would be right either.

 

The new man I'm dating has been great towards him even offering for his friend to help with with his school and career since he went to the same school and has become become successful. Best friend didn't want the help though. Oh well.

[Jordanjames]

I am sorry but I don't have much sympathy for the OP. The person I have sympathy for is your best friend. I really feel for the guy I feel like you are in a way leading him on. You are using your best friend as a "back up" guy. It doesn't matter if you haven't had sex with the best friend or not. The bottom line is that you are leading him on and using him.

Have you had a heart to heart talk with the guy? You say you don't want to "lose" your best friend but I feel that you are just treating the guy for backup. You like the "attention" that your best friend gives you but you don't want to committ to him. I think the guy should definitely explore his options try to meet new people, volunteer and stay away from you for a while.

[missmich]

Jordan I don't feel that I've used my friend or led him on. We both agreed years ago to end the fooling around. I've encouraged him to meet other girls and he hasn't. He was always telling me,even when we were FWB that I shouldn't waste my time with him and that I should meet someone else.

 

I do know that I need to make a little more effort to not make him feel left out,but he also needs to make an effort as well.

[missmich]

Oh and I have told him on many different occasions both before and after meeting this new guy that we should take a break from each other b/c of us fighting or whatever and he's gotten mad. In fact he's angry now! I told him I was sick (I am) and wanted to be alone and he got mad at me.

[WTRanger]

You do need to take a break from your best friend. By break, I mean zero contact for a while, minimum 100 days. It sounds like he's not strong enough to handle to break, so you'll have to be strong for him. You'll have to not respond to his pleas for your response. However, you need to tell him you are doing this. Just simply dropping off the face of the earth will leave him hurt and even more confused.

 

You need to explain that it is for the best. That the both of you need the off time to focus on other people. You need to let the feelings between the two of you simmer down, because even after all of these years it sounds as if the feelings are as strong as there were when the two of you were fooling around.

 

You also need to tell him that you feel this friendship is strong enough to survive this, but that it will take work. Believe me, I once went 7 years without contact with great female friend of mine, yes there were feelings involved back then as well. I tried but only had an outdated email address so she never got those email. Then out of the blue we re-connected and it was like we had just seen each other last week instead of 7 years. So 100 days is nothing.

 

You have to be strong. If he's going to act like a child who can't get his way, then does he really mean that much to you? Is it him or his attention he gives you? You need to decide.