Cannot erase it from my mind

[ncguy34]

I am a man age 34 and have met the women of my dreams. I have a great relationship with her and do not know how to deal with her sexual past. I have told her her over and over again not to talk about it. But, she continued to make small comments up until this last weekend after I blew

 

I know we all have our past and did not expect her to be a virgin. I just do not know how to shake the image of her with another guy and move on. The past is the past but because of the repeated comments I am stuck with very unpleasant visual images

 

 

 

Any advice. I want to erase these thoughts and

[VASH THE STAMPEDE]

Just forget it,it was in the past,it has nothing to do with you.

I hope shes not still do that to you.

[Layla]

Hi ncguy

 

This is what I wrote in earlier posts. Trust me you are not alone with those images in your mind. Your girlfriend should really stop making comments about sexual details with past lovers. Women are aware that men feel quite strongly about their masculinity and that pleasing a woman (if you care about her) is very important to you guys. At least that's what I feel when a guy seems to really love me. He seems to take pride in me having a GREAT time when we make love. Therefore I would never make comments on last lovers.

 

Anyway, I do have a similar problem as you do but can only advise you to really try to focus on the "now and here". Just remember girls you used to go out with and have sex with..... do they still play a role in your current live? Do you think about them when you make love to your girlfriend? If you don't there is a good chance your girlfriend doesn't either!

 

This is one my earlier posts:

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 16 months now and everything seems really perfect. He tells me how much he loves me, I had to meet his family and dearest friends pretty much at the beginning. He asked me to move in with him after three months although he had never lived with a woman before and he says I am the best thing that ever happened to him. He really really makes me happy! Whenever I meet his oldest and dearest friends and he doesn't listen they say they have never seen him like this and that they are really happy for us. Also, I found a letter from a friend of his saying:" the money is on you to crumple next". So far, so good.

 

Then again, he also has this desk in a room of OUR (!!) appartment where he keeps all his pictures of old friends and all his exes. Trust me it's tons of them!! Ok, I shouldn't have looked at them, but he really doesn't seem to mind??!! One picture even shows him nude-bathing with a girl!

 

Another horrendous thing is that his mother is moving house and wanted him to move all his stuff out of her house. So for the last 4 weeks that room in OUR appartment was full of old love letters of his and notes he once wrote saying:"God, I love her so much etc.)

 

Don't you feel this is the most respectless thing he can possibly do to me?

 

I am so pissed off, thought that I was special and now feel like just another number :-(

 

I mean, we have all had our past. But we keep it inside our hearts and not in an appartment we share with our boyfriend/girlfriend?!

[Fancy]

Why does she keep bringing her past sexual experiences up? That's a pretty tacky thing to do in general conversation. Have you told her that this bothers you? Could she possibly be trying to make you jealous? Or, could she be trying to give you a not-so-subtle hint that something she did with a past lover she'd like to do with you? I think you really need to sit down with her and get to the bottom of this. Find out exactly why she's doing this.

[ncguy34]

I did have a talk with her last night and told her that she has to stop. I believe she will but then again the image still lingers. She started late with intercourse and had to get it out of her system She dated 4-5 guys over the last 4 years and from what she said they were the only ones.

 

I do not really care and prefer not to think about it. In the beggining, I told her that the only thing that I need is not to talk about her sexual past. It was tacky yet I really do not believe that she intended to bother me ?????

 

What advice would you give to remove the image. The mental image one has while listening to comments is the part that is bothersome. I think guys are bit more insecure about these things then women-maybe I am wrong.

 

This is not a show stopper and I will get through it and just need to keep stopping the thought before it bothers me.

 

Thank you for everyones comments. They really help.

[UCFKevin]

There's nothing you can do. Nothing. Been there before, only time healed that wound. It's a toughie, though, that's for sure.

[Hal]

NCGuy,

Pal, I know exactly how you feel about not being able to erase the imagery. I'm in a similar situation. I'm living with my girlfriend of one year. We each have two sons and the four boys get along great when we have mine. I'm 35 and she's 29 and we get along great. I moved in a few months ago even though I knew about her past sexual experiences. It (the imagery) bothered me a bit at first, but I thought I'd get over it. Instead of going away, it keeps coming back and usually, there's something that triggers it.

 

She had three one-night stands over a span of three years and she was very drunk each time. Each one involved meeting a guy on a day she was sailing. One of them was a French sailor and one of them she met at a bar that is right next to my office which is on the waterfront. Another guy, she hung out with naked in a friend's hot-tub before having sex with him. Every day I'm at work, I see the bar. I have no choice, it's right outside my window. In the summer, I see all the sailboats in the harbour and it makes me think about it. Whenever I'm in a hot-tub, I think about it. Then, it seems like every other day, there's a song about a one-night stand on the radio.

 

I've never had a one-night stand and I my opinion of her is affected by me thinking about his. I'm starting to feel more distant from her. Before I met her, I had a couple of opportunities for sex with no strings attached, but they were never with women that I was attracted to. I need to be attracted to someone and know them before I'll have sex with them.

 

I've talked to my girlfriend a couple of times about this. She knows it bothers me and she's sensitive to it now. At first she wasn't, but she's become a little more understanding. We love each other and we want to work through it, but it seems the problem isn't getting better. We're considering counselling.

 

While I'm not happy out the situation, I'm glad I'm not the only one. What I mean by that, is, maybe we can share ideas. It sounds like you need to talk to your girlfriend about it and tell her how you feel. That's always a good idea.

 

I've asked her why she was so intimate with these guys who were strangers and she said there wasn't any emotion involved. It was just a physical thing she felt she needed because she was lonely. She had her first kid young, around 20, and her husband left her when she was pregnant with her second. She hasn't had much success with men in her life and was single for a long time. When she did get an opportunity to be with a guy, she went all the way. Now, she says I'm the man of her dreams, her soul-mate, and she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I asked her once, what does she offer me that she didn't offer those other guys. She said, "my heart."

 

That's what keeps me going. If your girlfriend loves you, and you love her, it's worth it to try whatever you can to work through this. If you do, you'll find a way. It helps to talk about it. If you have a friend you can confide in, do so.

 

Good luck.

[ncguy34]

Thank you Kevin and Hal, and everyone.

 

Kevin, how did you move on? Did it take a while? How long?

 

 

Hal, wow thanks for your reply. I am fortunate not to have the daily reminder. It is so odd but the visual image is so hard to shake. I have started using a "stop thought" process this morning recommended to my by a friend that is a psychologist. Every time I think about it I almost scream inside "Stop". It may take a lot at first but it seems to work. Until, she said something stupid-which hopefully will not happen

 

Why did she tell you about these guys. That must be a tough daily reminder. It justifies not wanting to know even more about her past. You cannot shake the image and yet everyday with radio and bar it continues to remind you. She should not have told you.

 

You need to switch the channel and scream in your head "Stop". I may take you 15 times when you are near the bar but my friend says it will work. Can you take a different route to work or just avoid looking at it for a while?

[Hal]

Originally posted by ncguy34

Why did she tell you about these guys. That must be a tough daily reminder. It justifies not wanting to know even more about her past. You cannot shake the image and yet everyday with radio and bar it continues to remind you. She should not have told you.

 

Can you take a different route to work or just avoid looking at it for a while?

 

I don't blame her for telling me. Earlier in our relationship, when we shared the information about our past sexual experiences, she seemed a bit hesitant to say anything. She said something like: "A lot of people say it's not good to talk about this sort of thing." To which I said: "It's no problem for me." I was still in the honeymoon phase with her at this point. We were away for the weekend and having a great time when it came up. I was a bit euphoric at the time and thought nothing could bother me. I was wrong.

 

After we got home, I found myself thinking about it for a long time. A lot of questions kept popping up in my head and my curiousity got the best of me. I'd ask questions about it. It's taken several months to work through this, but I'm working through it. I got the point where I either had to move on, or move out.

Alas, I love my girlfriend too much to leave her over this.

 

So, let this be a lesson to all of you. If you think you're in a relationship with someone you really like and you think it could be long-term. Be very careful what you agree to learn about your partner.

 

As for taking a different route to work. I can take one, but I have to park in the same spot and the window at my office overlooks the bar. Can't avoid it, so I just deal with it. I treat it like going to the gym, going for a run, or not eating fast food. It's simply a matter of self discipline. When I catch myself thinking about it, I just say stop. I started this last week and it's working well so far. It works much better than brooding over it, or drinking and trying to forget it. Been there, done that and don't recommend those tactics because they don't work.

 

All the best.

[moimeme]

Be very careful what you agree to learn about your partner.

 

I couldn't agree more. Know your limits and stick to them. I tell people in my life that I will answer any question they ask but they need to be sure they want to know the answer. My husband never asked if I was a virgin when we married, for instance.

[ncguy34]

I knew from past relationships not to ask. If I do not know then it cannot bother me. That was what was so irradiating about her bringing up small comments when I asked her in the begging not to do . She has gone almost a week without mentioning it and it has helped a lot. I would recommend that men never ask about it because it will haunt them for a while. It is the biggest mistake a guy can ask because it has no purpose and hits you in the gut. My closest friend told me that it took him over 9 months to get over his wifes past 9-10 lovers. He can laugh about it now.

 

 

I used to drink away my obsessive thoughts and agree the it does not work in fact it perpetuates the thought process. I am glad the thought stopping works. I have heard people using hypnosis but I am dubious of that.

 

I never thought I was a jealous person and am not but the thought of another man really screws with my mind. She said she had not been with that many- except for boyfriends and after she reached 25 years of age. She has had 4 boyfriends which is a lot less than the number of girls I ave been with and I was married also. I just wish that she had listened to me in the beginning so that it would not haunt me. I am not having problems with it now but can see it coming up in the future. She should have listened but I love her and will marry her. It was the little things that stung the most (ie- the bed, the comments about other guys etc.)

 

I wonder if it bothers men more than women. I guess all men want their girlfriend to be virtuous.

[moimeme]

I would recommend that men never ask about it because it will haunt them for a while

 

Depends on the man. There are plenty who understand that the past is the past and isn't worth worrying about. I suspect that all this dwelling on past sex partners (which seems to be the current theme at LoveShack) is due to the worrier's own insecurity and fear that he or she does not measure up to the person's other partners. That, really, is the issue to deal with.

[pippa]

Hi ncguy and others,

 

I can relate to how hard it can be to get those images from your mind, or stop obsessing about your partner's past partners.

 

I have been there, and I still have to fight to shut the thoughts down when they come in sometimes, and my boyfriend has also been there. We were open with each other at the start of our relationship about our sexual pasts, until we both admitted we really couldn't handle it! Nevertheless, we both then knew the information, and it took a while to get a handle on it and live in the present. I think my boyfriend (who flipped out on a couple of things) now has a better handle on things than me! He is secure and comfortable in our loving relationship. I am too, but still seem to worry from time to time!

 

The stop thought thing is a good idea, as is reminding yourself that you are special and a great person and worthy of your great relationship and that your partner loves you NOW and tbat the past is over. Everytime you start worrying, remind yourself of these things, and it helps the irrational obsessive thoughts go away. Then focus on the present and the future with your partner and invest your energy there, instead of in worrying about things that no longer exist. It takes time to do this, but gets easier as you go along. I have confided in my friends, who have also helped me get things in perspective. Working on your own confidence and security issues is also great advice.

 

Good luck.

[Purrrfection8]

I've always wondered why guys have this fear of his girl talking about past bed mates... Why does it bother u so much?... Just tryna get the male perspective on it... Always wondered...

 

I'm usually the insecure, sorta jealous type, but it neva bothers me discussing his past...

[raine]

I can also relate, I have posted on another subject that I am actually in therapy and she tells me that I have obsessive compulstive thinking. My main thought goes to the threesome that my bf told me he had. Everytime the subject is mentioned, TV or wherever it drives me crazy thinking about his experience. I will have to try some of the tricks some of you use and hopefully it can help. What doesn't help (topic of my post in this forum) is that we always run into girls from his past and I wonder if he has every been with them and I hate that he considers them such good friends.

 

I wish the best for us all, it is not an easy thing to overcome!!!!!

[pippa]

Hey raine,

I'm glad I dont bump into any of my bf's exes as I wouldn't like that either. My bf was married for a long time and his ex is thankfully in another state. Just keep reminding yourself that you are the one he is with now, and as long as he treats you as his no. 1 priority, everything's OK.

All the best.

[heidi73]

Just to give a woman's perspective, it's not just men that feel this way. My long-time boyfriend and I had a period of about 8 months in which we were not together. I had the opportunity to "move on" sexually, but I couldn't. He did. He had a drunken one night stand, and it took three months back together before he could bring himself to tell me.

 

I reacted extremelly emotionally, felt as I had been kicked in the gut, and I couldn't even talk to him for a week. I was angry and hurt, and even thought we were technically apart during that time, I had a mental image of him with God-knows-who (he spared me the gory details). For two years, it has burned in my mind. For a while, when we were getting ready to have sex, I would think of that episode, and it would kill whatever mood had been there. I would get furious, insecure, sad. It has taken that long, I still don't like it, but I have to let it go. Every once in a while it will rear its head again, but I only think about once in a great while.

 

It takes time. BUt it's nt easy, I know.

[UCFKevin]

Yeah. THere's nothing to do but give it time and focus on other things. You WILL remember it every now and then. Nothing will stop that.

[guest]

Hey man, I feel your pain. I am 40 years old single and involved with a woman who does exactly what you are talking about. I've never been married and have been with a few women in my life but I don't see where talking about their looks or their sexual abilities, particularly if they weren't long term girlfriends would contribute anything to a relationship. Unfortunately, I have not met many women who feel the same. My present girlfriend has been banged casually by everybody on the planet: bodybuilders on steroids, male models, ect. She's even been double teamed--twice! I love her but she doesn't make me feel very good about myself or her. Unfortunately my present financial situation and living situation makes it very difficult for me to leave. But if I could....I would....today. I hope that helps.