DDay#3...OM#4...Devestation

[DNU1]

Some of you know my story -- wife had affairs with two men 14 years ago in medical school. One a long term EA/PA, the other a short term PA. DDay#1 (OMs #1, #2) was May 1996. We worked through counseling and fought hard for our marriage.

 

Had kids, moved around, built careers. Four years ago finally moved "home" to be near family. Wife a great job, me becoming a stay-at-home-dad.

 

Dec 2008 was DDay#2 (OM#3). I agonized over what to do. Found some great resources, books, web sites, and worked on the marriage. Gave it 110% effort! Changed many things about me specifically for my wife. Worked my tail off. People around me in the know questioned her dedication, her want to recover the marriage. Five months of hard work.

 

Monday I thought I had found a secret e-mail account and called her on it. We talked and I discovered it was not a secret e-mail. But on a hunch I asked her specifically about a co-worker I had a bad feeling about. Asked to her face, as I held her in my arms, "is there anything going on with Dr. X."

 

She looked me dead in the eyes, held me tight and said, "NO, nothing going on with Dr. X."

 

The feeling wouldn't go away. Kept nagging at me. So I played hard ball and called a bluff.

 

She returned home after night on call and I was worked in to a frenzy. She knew something was wrong. I asked her again if something was going on with Dr. X. Again she denied.

 

I kept pressuring, I kept banging on that drum. Still she denied.

 

Then I pulled out the big guns -- then let's get a polygraphy scheduled and we will find out the truth. She hung on...but caved and said, "yes, I kissed him once..."

 

Once. Yes, once.

 

Okay, I just want the truth...more banging about the ploy and 20 minutes later it becomes, "I slept with him once...just once."

 

And this is a man you have contact with daily? "Yes." Texts and phone calls?..."No, never."

 

Let's go down to phone company and get records. "okay, he texts me...he keeps trying to have sex, but I keep telling him no, I'm done."

 

And when did this happen? "two or three years ago...can't remember" So this affair happened before DDay#2 / OM#3 in December. Why didn't you tell me then? Why didn't you tell me the hundreds of times I asked you since December if there were other men, other affairs?

 

"I don't know...I didn't want Dr. X to be straw the broke camels back..."

 

So more lies. Flat out lies to my face and lies of omission. Let me bust my balls trying to fix the marriage for FIVE MONTHS when all this time she still has an ongoing affair with someone at work she sees daily.

 

I'm writing here to tell you the anguish I'm feeling right now. I barely eaten in three days. I've dropped 10 pounds in that time. My daughters, ages 10 and 8 keep asking why mommie is staying at friends house, and if we are going to get a divorce. Do you want to be the cause of a conversation like that in someone's life?

 

You see what this crap does to families, to good people who are honest, sincere? Do you see what being the OM/OW will do to people / families.

 

That's my story.

[whichwayisup]

Get a lawyer and divorce your wife. You should get full custody of your kids seeing as you are the stable parent.

 

I can't believe you stayed with her after the second MM, let alone the FOURTH! That's called enabling her behaviour! She has NOT learned any lessons, nor has she suffered enough consquences to change.

 

Your wife did this to you, to your kids - And yes, the OM/MM helped her cheat on you, but she is the one who said 'yes'. None of this is your fault, something is very broken inside of your wife..Seems she's a serial cheater.

[boldjack]

Don't blame the OM's, your wife is a liar and serial adulteress. 4 men? And you're still with her ? The only thing she hasn't done is give it away on street corners. She does not love you(whatever she says) and has zero respect for you, and will NEVER be faithful to you. You deserve a good honest woman and your kids deserve an honest parent. Divorce her as soon as possible, and don't look back.

[DNU1]

I stayed with her 14 years ago because I loved her and felt we could work things out...and we did for many years. Our marriage was filled with love and good times.

 

I vowed to work on marriage in Dec of 2008 because I realized that I made mistakes that pushed her away. I'm in no way taking responsibility for her affair(s), that burden lies with her, and only with her.

 

She has issues and is flawed, I understand that. She's a serial cheater, a liar and what else I do not know. All I know about are four OMs.

 

I meet with attorney today...tell wife it's "D" time tonight. Kids and rest of family hear the whole story on Sat. As does the OMs wife. And so do all co-workers. Nuclear exposure.

 

I'm not doing this to make my wife pay, or revenge. I'm doing this to shed light on the horrible thing that is an affiar. I'm doing this so that everyone associated with wife and OM#4 understand just what they are dealing with.

 

They will feel the consequences of their actions. They will have to deal with the reprecussions.

[jj33]

Im very sorry for your pain. However I believe your post is in the wrong forum.

 

This is not the "guilt the OW/OM into never being with a married person forum. This is the support forum for OW/OMs. Perhaps you would prefer to post on the infidelity board.

[OWoman]

So, yes, expose the entire ugly situation for what it is. Just try to protect your children as much as possible. They don't need every gory detail.

 

I don't see how that is possible if the OP is going to be announcing it all over town. They'll here it on the grapevine, sooner or later - most likely embroidered with a few extra salacious details.

 

Exposure means it's out there - one has no control over where the story goes once one unleashes it.

[herenow]

Yeah, and the fact that my ex is a self indulgent, self centered, selfish butt head probably gets bandied about where he lives as well, and my son may get wind of it, but he won't hear it from me.

 

This is why I can't understand how an OW can say that the MM who is cheating is such a great father. A great father doesn't just live in a house with his kids. A great father is a role model and acts in a way that he would want his kids to some day emulate. A great father doesn't do things that he must hide from his kids. If kids find out about an affair, whose fault is it?

 

I wonder how many people who cheat had one or both of their parents cheat. Our kids learn from our behaviors and if they find out, it is indeed a direct consequence of the choice made by the person who cheated. How very sad.

[quankanne]

but he won't hear it from me

 

I admire your sense of honor, donna ... first and foremost is the kids' relationship with their dad. If they discover what a lying cheating rat he is through means of their own, you are not the one responsible for making him look bad in their eyes ~ he's done it all by himself.

 

my one sister took the high road, too. Very upset about her adulterous husband, but never said a word about it to their boys, just kept reiterating that both she and he loved them. As they got older, they got a better idea of their dad and dealt with it on their terms, not through the terms of my sister's hurt, anger and betrayal. I wish more parents dealt with things that way, because when you've got kids, THEIR needs should be first and foremost, even it means suffering your pain in silence.

[wildsoul]

You see what this crap does to families, to good people who are honest, sincere? Do you see what being the OM/OW will do to people / families.

 

That's my story.

Many people here would probably agree with my self-assessment that I'm one of the more level-headed posters, not likely to engage in a flame war.

 

But I'm reporting this post to the mods and going to tell you point-blank that I think it's TOTALLY inappropriate. It does not belong in this forum. You've been a pot-stirrer from day one.

 

I've ignored you for the most part, but the MARTYRDOM of posting here is annnoying and inappropriate. Get off the cross Mary! We need the wood.

 

On a genuine note between women, your situation draws my sympathies.

 

Yet I think you are abusing this forum and one of the MAJOR PLAYERS in the BS vs OW turf wars here.

 

I'm reporting you, then adding you to my ignore list. Don't even bother replying as I won't be able to read anything you write.

[herenow]

but he won't hear it from me

 

I admire your sense of honor, donna ... first and foremost is the kids' relationship with their dad. If they discover what a lying cheating rat he is through means of their own, you are not the one responsible for making him look bad in their eyes ~ he's done it all by himself.

 

my one sister took the high road, too. Very upset about her adulterous husband, but never said a word about it to their boys, just kept reiterating that both she and he loved them. As they got older, they got a better idea of their dad and dealt with it on their terms, not through the terms of my sister's hurt, anger and betrayal. I wish more parents dealt with things that way, because when you've got kids, THEIR needs should be first and foremost, even it means suffering your pain in silence.

 

I agree and I think most parents do act this way. I don't buy into the BW using the kids against the MM or vice versa. IRL, I know many divorced couples who parent very well together and keep their feelings about each other separate from the love they have for their kids.

 

Now that doesn't mean a MM won't tell an OW that his wife threatens to use the kids against him if he leaves. That's just a effort to make him look like a good guy and allows him to stay married and keep the OW as well. Win win for the MM. A complete loss for everyone else.

[wildsoul]

Um, you're talking to a man.

I stand corrected on gender.

[Bryanp]

You now know that your wife is a serial cheater who has had no problems putting your health at risk for STD's and a chronic liar to you. I hate to be a downer but I think you may wish to consider having paternity tests on your children. There are 4 separate men that you know of. How many do you not now of? It is good that you are seeing a lawyer. Get a paternity test done. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. She is a player and she has been playing you. I am so sorry for you. Nobody deserves what you have had to put up with.

[Reggie]

Sorry you are going through this. It is a terrible tale of an abusive WW and completely appropriate for you to look here for support.

The poster threatening to report you is way off base, completely inappropriate and very cruel toward you in her whacko response.

She is doing you a favor by ignoring you and you would be well advised to ignore her, as well. If the mods take a look at this post, I would expect her cruelty abd insults would warrant their attention.

You are doing the right thing by divorcing.

[tami-chan]

my one sister took the high road, too. Very upset about her adulterous husband, but never said a word about it to their boys, just kept reiterating that both she and he loved them. As they got older, they got a better idea of their dad and dealt with it on their terms, not through the terms of my sister's hurt, anger and betrayal. I wish more parents dealt with things that way, because when you've got kids, THEIR needs should be first and foremost, even it means suffering your pain in silence.

 

I absolutely agree with this! for a moment there I thought I was the only one who believed the kids need to be protected from the hurt, anger and betrayal. That if parents and any adult involved could get over themselves there is a better chance for the kids to come out of the divorce better.

 

I agree and I think most parents do act this way. I don't buy into the BW using the kids against the MM or vice versa. IRL, I know many divorced couples who parent very well together and keep their feelings about each other separate from the love they have for their kids.

 

Apparently not, herenow. I posted somewhere about how if adults can just separate there own bad feelings for each other for the sake of the children the impact of the divorce will not be total devastation-boy, was I called all kinds of names. I was very shocked by the reaction, as like you, I thought most parents would set aside their own negative feelings for the kids.

[Reggie]

Giving the kids the truth and not editorializing about the WS character, though, is thought by many therapist to be the way to go. After all, their lives are affected and they must be confused. There has already been enough lying to them by the WS.

Some therapist feel it is the best way to get the kids to understand that they had nothing to do with the breakup and attendant disharmony.And, it serves to show them that there are consequences to this type of abuse.

I know , for me, my world started to make sense as a kid when my mom and dad finally admitted my dad was a raging abusive alcoholic. Things just made a lot more sense to me after hearing this.

[tami-chan]

DNU1, yes, you are right. it does look like the 5 months you were working hard to save your marriage was for nothing. Does your wife even want to save your marriage? She does not seem to fathom the devastation you feel. Perhaps it is time to just accept she does not love you anymore ( if she ever did).

 

You need to take care of yourself. Eat well, exercise, get enough sleep and if you believe in counseling, go see a counselor. If you need to see a doctor to help you with these, go see a doctor. You simply won't be able to think straight if you are not physically well.

 

Why did you end up being a stay at home dad? How do you feel about that? How does your wife feel about that? I asked because it is not a traditional role and I wonder if that has an impact on how you view yourself or how your wife views you. Nothing wrong with being a stay at home dad. I think it is noble. After all it is a lot easier to do things that are traditional than to go against the grain.

[Reggie]

I agree, it is doubtful your wife ever loved you. I had to admit the same thing andit was painful but freeing. Things made sense after I accepted this.

I wish you well in the divorce. You have a bit of a leg up in light of her breadwinning and your status as the primary caregiver to the kids.

[DNU1]

DNU1, yes, you are right. it does look like the 5 months you were working hard to save your marriage was for nothing. Does your wife even want to save your marriage? She does not seem to fathom the devastation you feel. Perhaps it is time to just accept she does not love you anymore ( if she ever did).

 

You need to take care of yourself. Eat well, exercise, get enough sleep and if you believe in counseling, go see a counselor. If you need to see a doctor to help you with these, go see a doctor. You simply won't be able to think straight if you are not physically well.

 

Why did you end up being a stay at home dad? How do you feel about that? How does your wife feel about that? I asked because it is not a traditional role and I wonder if that has an impact on how you view yourself or how your wife views you. Nothing wrong with being a stay at home dad. I think it is noble. After all it is a lot easier to do things that are traditional than to go against the grain.

 

Thanks for kind words. I left high level university job (three tiers from univ president level) to be stay at home. We were moving back to our home town and no real jobs for me, and with daycare and all activites and such we both decided it would be best for the family. I've often asked her if me being stay-at-home was okay...she loved it! Less stress of who's getting them, etc.

 

Update: We told the kiddos on Saturday. Wife ponied up and said following (paraphrase):

 

"Kids, when you get married you vow to love only one person. I vowed to love Daddy. Well, i broke that vow. I had feelings for another man. I kissed another man and I has sex with another man. That was wrong. I take full responsibility for this devorce. It's not your fault and It's not Daddy's fault...this is my fault."

 

Impressive.

 

She's devestated and hopefully hitting rock bottom. she needs to hit bottom to grow as a person. I can't be there to rescue her any more. I need to let her fail.

 

today has been extremely difficult. Lots of emotions.

 

And for the record (and the previous poster), I'm not trying to stir the pot here. My intentions were to simply help some OM/OWs understand what devestation affairs can have on families and people. Nuff said.

[tami-chan]

Thanks for kind words. I left high level university job (three tiers from univ president level) to be stay at home. We were moving back to our home town and no real jobs for me, and with daycare and all activites and such we both decided it would be best for the family. I've often asked her if me being stay-at-home was okay...she loved it! Less stress of who's getting them, etc.

 

Update: We told the kiddos on Saturday. Wife ponied up and said following (paraphrase):

 

"Kids, when you get married you vow to love only one person. I vowed to love Daddy. Well, i broke that vow. I had feelings for another man. I kissed another man and I has sex with another man. That was wrong. I take full responsibility for this devorce. It's not your fault and It's not Daddy's fault...this is my fault."

 

Impressive.

 

She's devestated and hopefully hitting rock bottom. she needs to hit bottom to grow as a person. I can't be there to rescue her any more. I need to let her fail.

 

today has been extremely difficult. Lots of emotions.

 

And for the record (and the previous poster), I'm not trying to stir the pot here. My intentions were to simply help some OM/OWs understand what devestation affairs can have on families and people. Nuff said.

 

That was impressive. So now you move on. No more angst about it. MOVE ON. No need to save her from anything. She will grow and hopefully learn life lessons along the way. It is not your responsibility to rescue her. She is her own person.

 

You have a lot on your plate, perhaps all you need to do is share your experiences, hopefully some people will be helped reading your story. It is a huge task to come here and take on other people's problem while going through your own. I am not telling you what to do, just something to consider.

 

If I may ask, what are your plans for yourself? Are you going to go back to work?

[reservoirdog1]

Update: We told the kiddos on Saturday. Wife ponied up and said following (paraphrase):

 

"Kids, when you get married you vow to love only one person. I vowed to love Daddy. Well, i broke that vow. I had feelings for another man. I kissed another man and I has sex with another man. That was wrong. I take full responsibility for this devorce. It's not your fault and It's not Daddy's fault...this is my fault."

Wow... I have to admit, that is somewhat impressive. And rare, coming from a WS. Most, like my XW, hope against hope that the kids never find out about what they did. In fact, for the first year or two after the split, XW didn't want the kids to be told anything except that the divorce was a mutual decision. After stupidly heeding her wishes for awhile, I stopped caring and started telling them, when they asked "why you and Mommy got a divorce", that SHE'D been unhappy. I wasn't going to spread her sanitized version of the truth anymore.

 

She was pissed about this at first, but I didn't relent. So she had to adopt that truth as hers as well, when they asked her.

[taylor]

I can't believe your wife told your 8 year old daughter she had sex with another man.

 

I know children are very "street-smart" nowadays when it comes to sex, but at 8 years of age I would NOT have wanted to hear that my mother had sex with anyone, let alone another man. I wouldn't have wanted to hear my mother talking about sex at all.

 

As a matter of fact, I don't think I really knew what sex was when I was 8 years old.

 

I think children need to understand why their parents are divorcing in any situation, but I think they can be spared some of the gory details until it's more age appropriate.

[mark982]

is dr. x married? time to tell his wife,and the higher ups.

[tami-chan]

I can't believe your wife told your 8 year old daughter she had sex with another man.

 

I know children are very "street-smart" nowadays when it comes to sex, but at 8 years of age I would NOT have wanted to hear that my mother had sex with anyone, let alone another man. I wouldn't have wanted to hear my mother talking about sex at all.

 

As a matter of fact, I don't think I really knew what sex was when I was 8 years old.

 

I think children need to understand why their parents are divorcing in any situation, but I think they can be spared some of the gory details until it's more age appropriate.

 

I agree, but some people think that not telling the kids the " whole truth" is "editorializing"...

 

I think his wife really did not say that. I don't know why, I would think that. Intuition? lol....

[tami-chan]

is dr. x married? time to tell his wife,and the higher ups.

 

 

So you want him to go for broke? You know OP is a stay-at-home dad. His wife brings home the bacon. If he can afford to pay half of the bills, sure he should go for broke. Have his wife and OM get fired.

 

I doubt that highly though. Doctors are in demand.

[Reggie]

I think it is great they got the truth. By "editorializing" , I meant no comments about her character. Just the facts.