DDay#3...OM#4...Devestation

[tami-chan]

Tami: either you didn't read my post and understand fully, or you just don't get it.

 

My wife is a bottomless pit. She gaslighted me for FIVE months as I worked my tail off to recover the marriage, be a better husband, take care of my kids. It's these last FIVE months that I'm specifically talking about. The five months between DDay #2 and DDay#3 when I was BUSTING my tail to make things right.

 

And she did nothing. She allowed me to bust my tail, all the while having another OM in the wings.

 

And all this time she always said she loved me being the stay at home. She loved it that I could take them to practices, to and from school, feed them, etc.

 

I don't regret being a stay at home. I don't regret walking away from my careers.

 

I do resent her for letting me work my tail off, her not coming clean and telling me the truth. And frankly I'm pissed that she was going to allow me to bust my tail FOREVER and she was NEVER planning on telling me about the OM.

 

Seriously, if you are just going to nit-pick my situation and throw darts at the parts you find objectionable, then have fun.

 

The bottom line is I did nothing wrong in this marriage. I worked my tail off and tried to give her everything she always wanted. I was always there for her...for 20+ years. I was NEVER unfaithful to her. I was always trying to fill her void...something that I could never do.

 

She's a broken woman. She's got serious issues. She needs to deal with them. Please stop throwing daggers at me and my posts. You aren't helping one bit. D.

 

Oh I get it, probably more than you will ever care. I get that your wife is a shameless serial cheater and gaslighted you, deceived you, etc. That is established very well by you. Now we move on...So you are filing for divorce, good for you! It's about time! Okay, that's done...I also get it that by necessity you were/are a househusband, so what? why bring up the duties and responsibilities of a house husband? If not to gain sympathy?

 

You already have people's sympathy..you are the BS (many times over, mind you!). But you have also presented yourself as the strong, intelligent, take no prisoner kinda guy...so be it! instead you are narrating how much you are going to financially destroy your wife....oh not in that language but you are...trust me, if you were a woman I would tell you the same thing....have some pride and be financially independent, you have no excuse.

[Reggie]

Not financially destroy her, simply getting what the law deems equitable. It is well recognized that a spouse who has sacrificed career advancement to allow the other to advance is entitled to just compenstaion. This has been the case for a long time in family law and it makes perfect sense.

I saw no plea for sympathy, merely DNUI laying out the facts re his efforts to contribute toward the well being of the family and his case as the primary caregiver, which is relevant.

TC, at first, you were under the impression that he would have to pay child support. That was clearly wrong, if he gets custody.

It is abundantly clear that his wife will have to pay alimony, as she is conceding, and he would be nuts to turn it down. It will take considerable time for the kids to grow to an age where he can be competetive in the labor market. He has been out a long time and will need help finding a job.

If his wife wants to hire a maid with her remaining funds, nothing is stopping her.

It is about time that DNUI got some free time to recreate, as his wife has been doing for years while involved in various romantic relationships with an assortment of men.

[soserious1]

Not financially destroy her, simply getting what the law deems equitable. It is well recognized that a spouse who has sacrificed career advancement to allow the other to advance is entitled to just compenstaion. This has been the case for a long time in family law and it makes perfect sense.

I saw no plea for sympathy, merely DNUI laying out the facts re his efforts to contribute toward the well being of the family and his case as the primary caregiver, which is relevant.

TC, at first, you were under the impression that he would have to pay child support. That was clearly wrong, if he gets custody.

It is abundantly clear that his wife will have to pay alimony, as she is conceding, and he would be nuts to turn it down. It will take considerable time for the kids to grow to an age where he can be competetive in the labor market. He has been out a long time and will need help finding a job.

If his wife wants to hire a maid with her remaining funds, nothing is stopping her.

It is about time that DNUI got some free time to recreate, as his wife has been doing for years while involved in various romantic relationships with an assortment of men.

 

 

The only thing I can add to all of that is this warning, if DNUI is able to nail her in court for max child support and alimony he's got to keep in mind that chances are good that as time goes by she will decline her parenting time more and more often. Courts order right of access to the kids but they cannot force a NCP to use those rights, if she's paying the max she might well decide to have more limited contact with the kids to free up more of her time to work more and to have her own social life. DNUI would be well advised to start the search for a trusted babysitter if he wishes to pursue a social life of his own. The courts can and will make her fork over $$$ they can't and won't force her to pick the kids up for parenting time.

[Reggie]

The only thing I can add to all of that is this warning, if DNUI is able to nail her in court for max child support and alimony he's got to keep in mind that chances are good that as time goes by she will decline her parenting time more and more often. Courts order right of access to the kids but they cannot force a NCP to use those rights, if she's paying the max she might well decide to have more limited contact with the kids to free up more of her time to work more and to have her own social life. DNUI would be well advised to start the search for a trusted babysitter if he wishes to pursue a social life of his own. The courts can and will make her fork over $$$ they can't and won't force her to pick the kids up for parenting time.

 

Very sound advice.

[DNU1]

....have some pride and be financially independent, you have no excuse.

 

Okay Tami, it's time to come clean. Taylor and I went round and round on the "telling the kids the truth" thing, and I kept calling her out for not replying directly to my posts...but for having a hidden agenda.

 

So just lay it right out there and tell me your agenda? Are you disguested that I gave up my career to support my wife and children? Do you have some deep seated psychological scars from your childhood? Do you have issues with men being stay-at-homes?

 

I think we are getting down to brass tacks here...it has something to do with $$$, independence, stay at home...I'm close...I can smell it...it's here....

 

Reggie Quote: "It is about time that DNUI got some free time to recreate, as his wife has been doing for years while involved in various romantic relationships with an assortment of men."

 

Thanks for the support and understanding Reggie.

 

And soserious, thanks for the heads up on parenting time. I hope that isn't the case with STBx, but I can certainly see your point.

 

I continue to move foward. One day at a time. Thanks for being here and for listening and providing feedback. This, along with another forum, and most importantly family and friends, has been GREAT for my healing.

 

Thanks.

[LifesontheUp]

Oh I get it, probably more than you will ever care. I get that your wife is a shameless serial cheater and gaslighted you, deceived you, etc. That is established very well by you. Now we move on...So you are filing for divorce, good for you! It's about time! Okay, that's done...I also get it that by necessity you were/are a househusband, so what? why bring up the duties and responsibilities of a house husband? If not to gain sympathy?

 

You already have people's sympathy..you are the BS (many times over, mind you!). But you have also presented yourself as the strong, intelligent, take no prisoner kinda guy...so be it! instead you are narrating how much you are going to financially destroy your wife....oh not in that language but you are...trust me, if you were a woman I would tell you the same thing....have some pride and be financially independent, you have no excuse.

 

You have no excuse tami-chan, time and again you have had a go at a BS on here. You do it under the guise of looking at things alternatively but nearly all of your posts to BS are a cleverly worded attack. Why don't you just give it a rest and give some support instead

 

DNU1 - there is nothing wrong with posting your feelings on here and being the main carer of your kids. SAHD and SAHM do a fantastic job. It suited your situation for you to be at home whilst by the sound of it your wife encouraged and enjoyed going out to work whilst you had that responsibility. I dont see why you shouldn't get the monetary help from her when you split.....after all your career went on hold so you could look after your kids. Get what you are entitled too.....there is nothing wrong with that.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

and fair.

 

I have not posted to this thread for a while, but have read all the posts. I appreciate the pain the OP is going through, and can not fathom my reaction or sure what is right, but the vitriol, bitterness and nastiness in the posts are difficult to read.

 

The fact Tami-Chan has said anything negative has been greeted by DNU1 with the same spitefulness, accusations and argumentative tone he seem to have for his STBXW.

 

Yep he sounds like a great father to the kids (shouldn't we all be), seems to revel in his STBXW's current struggles (maybe deservedly), but yep he probably should find a job (considering his high education and prior experience), take off the apron (yes I am being sexist and having fun), get a nanny or some help (on her dime;)) and start his life anew.

[DNU1]

The fact Tami-Chan has said anything negative has been greeted by DNU1 with the same spitefulness, accusations and argumentative tone he seem to have for his STBXW.

 

Sorry you feel that way. I don't think Tami has approached this thread from a logical and objective perspective. Yes, when she first posted here I tried to explain myself further, to help her understand the facts. But it became clear to me that she had an ax to grind, something about my situation that set her off.

 

She continues to bang a 2x4 over my head on one specific topic, ignoring my relpies and rationale. That's fine. Free world and freedom to say what she will.

 

And for what it's worth, I don't argue with my STBx, I don't demean her or rub this in her face. For 20 years I've been her rock, the person who stops everything and tries to help her figure chit out. As I did last night for almost two hours.

 

But you have to understand one thing -- I need to get her out of my system. I need to distance myself from her emotionally. That means not talking to her in depth, not *helping* her, not coming to her rescue. Me coming to her rescue drops us back in to the old pattern -- me the enabler, her the taker.

 

I've never raised my voice to her throughout this whole situation. I've never accused her...I remain calm, and cool all the while trying to keep my distance.

 

Because if I let my guard down, if I fell back in to the role of enebler, I'd probably take her back for *one more chance.*

 

I won't do that. I won't set myself up for OM#5. I need to move on.

 

 

Yep he sounds like a great father to the kids (shouldn't we all be), seems to revel in his STBXW's current struggles (maybe deservedly), but yep he probably should find a job (considering his high education and prior experience), take off the apron (yes I am being sexist and having fun), get a nanny or some help (on her dime;)) and start his life anew.

 

I loved her so much, loved my children so much that I gave up my career to be a stay @ home. It wasn't what I really wanted to do, but being the *giver* the middle child who wants to help, to do what's right, well, that's what I did. I gave it my all.

 

I'll find a job. But I'll never take off the apron. I will always be there for my children...cooking, cleaning, laundry, mowing lawn, fixing ipods, helping with homework, doing baths, etc. That's just what I do.

 

 

 

I post on here to gain strength. I post on here to share my feelings. I probably come across as more stern and stubborn than I really am. I do feel pitty for my STBx. I do and will always have deep feelings for her. But I've got to get her out of my system. I've got to break her hold on my emotions. And to do that I've got to be a little distant and cold towards her. That's just what I have to do.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

And I hope you do get her out of your system, as I can see how much it clouds your view.

 

Please get some IC and learn to distance yourself as far as possible.

[DNU1]

Toodamnpragmatic: She is fading from my system daily. My view becomes less cloudy every day. IC is coming soon. Distancing myself daily.

 

When wife has kiddos (her days) I make sure to be out of the house.

 

Thanks for your concern and support. Every bit of support and encouragement helps me break this bond. Helps me grow stronger.

[Reggie]

and fair.

 

I have not posted to this thread for a while, but have read all the posts. I appreciate the pain the OP is going through, and can not fathom my reaction or sure what is right, but the vitriol, bitterness and nastiness in the posts are difficult to read.

 

The fact Tami-Chan has said anything negative has been greeted by DNU1 with the same spitefulness, accusations and argumentative tone he seem to have for his STBXW.

 

Yep he sounds like a great father to the kids (shouldn't we all be), seems to revel in his STBXW's current struggles (maybe deservedly), but yep he probably should find a job (considering his high education and prior experience), take off the apron (yes I am being sexist and having fun), get a nanny or some help (on her dime;)) and start his life anew.

Sexist , indeed. This close minded way of thinking is a remnant of the past, and completely illogical. Men make excellent caregivers and that is a very important role.

Time to drag your thinking out of the dark ages. I saw no spitefulness, merely perceptiveness re the ill disguised sexism and attack mode.

As for reveling, if that is what you see( I don't), I think we should all revel in seeing a longtime serial cheater, abuser and gaslighter get a little Karma. All she will be responsible for is that which the law calls for, support for the spouse that sacrificed.

I'll freely admit, I am happy to see DNUI free of this abuser and to see her have to finally take responsibility for her abusive escapades.

[tami-chan]

Okay Tami, it's time to come clean. Taylor and I went round and round on the "telling the kids the truth" thing, and I kept calling her out for not replying directly to my posts...but for having a hidden agenda.

 

So just lay it right out there and tell me your agenda? Are you disguested that I gave up my career to support my wife and children? Do you have some deep seated psychological scars from your childhood? Do you have issues with men being stay-at-homes?

 

There is nothing to come clean. And for the record, I do not think Taylor had an agenda, she just opposed the tactics that you and your wife had employed in letting the kids know. I opposed it, too. It was deplorable and irresponsible. I understand you have people who support you about how it went down. Well, of course, because they have done the exact deplorable and irresponsible way of letting the children know as a way of punishing their ex-spouses and continue to do so. If that is not a Psychological issue blinking in neon lights, well, I don't know what is.

 

Am I disgusted by you being a stay-at-home dad? absolutely not. I am however, disgusted by you using that as as "woe-is-me-I-am-a SADH-who is highly-educated-but-sacrifice-it-all-for the-wife". You did not sacrifice your career, you chose to be a SAHD. This is what you said:

 

We were moving back to our home town and no real jobs for me, and with daycare and all activites and such we both decided it would....

You could not find a job that was good enough for you, are there not schools in your town? Could you have move were you could find a job good enough for whatever qualifications you have? Your wife is a doctor. She could have found a job anywhere BUT you chose to be in that town,so in effect you chose to be a SADH.

 

LOL, "deep seated psychological issues from my childhood?"...what was that a dig? ! sorry buddy, I had a wonderful childhood. I am though a BS, who will NEVER be financially dependent on my H. I can tell you that without reservation.

 

And when I ask what about your part of the child support? Well, according to what I read, child support from a non-custodial parent is only a percentage of how much it would take to feed, clothe, provide shelter to the children. Apparently, it is proportionate. And since you are highly educated, and your kids are not infants and your stbxw has a lawyer, I doubt that the judge will just say "oh yeah, give him everything because he chooses not to work". I find it difficult to believe that your wife has gotten herself a dumb lawyer, while you ( it appears, I could be wrong) has the most brilliant lawyer in your town.

 

So, stop being a whiny, angry, doormat and take control of your future by being financially indepedent so you can date whomever you please and live your life however you want.

[tami-chan]

You have no excuse tami-chan, time and again you have had a go at a BS on here. You do it under the guise of looking at things alternatively but nearly all of your posts to BS are a cleverly worded attack. Why don't you just give it a rest and give some support instead

 

DNU1 - there is nothing wrong with posting your feelings on here and being the main carer of your kids. SAHD and SAHM do a fantastic job. It suited your situation for you to be at home whilst by the sound of it your wife encouraged and enjoyed going out to work whilst you had that responsibility. I dont see why you shouldn't get the monetary help from her when you split.....after all your career went on hold so you could look after your kids. Get what you are entitled too.....there is nothing wrong with that.

 

Excuse for what? I have said it many times on this board. I do not understand the deep, prolonged angst about having been cheated. I understand people go through the stages, but these prolonged need to have people on your side because "I AM BS", gets old-at least to me.

 

I was(?) a BS and it was devastating, yet when the dust settled my first thought was damage control for my child. Second was, what must I do so that I will come out of this financially unburdened.

 

Why won't I give it a rest? LOL...two words for you: IGNORE BUTTON. Use it if you can't bear reading my posts.

 

OP should get what he is entitled to, absolutely. I even said before I think he should get the house, since he will probably end up with the "kiddos".

[Reggie]

Its very natural to be angry and bitter at this stage. DNUI will need time to get over this and back on his feet. Most therapist I've read say it takes 2-5 years for recovery. So, I do not find his anger at all abnormal.

If DNUI has given us the correct factual info re his role as primary caregiver, he should do alright with the maintenance and child support.

Regardless of what motivated his and his wife's decision for him to stay at home, he will be entitled to maintenance. There is nothing to be ashamed of in getting that to which he is entitled under the law.

DNUI, I'd take my time and get some counseling to deal with this and look into whatever re-training you may need. Your lawyer can advice you what options you have.

I completely support your decison to inform the kids, as does Harely, as you know. Many folks working in the field of dealing with infidelity agree, as did the kids school counselor and others you consulted.

What is truly deplorable is keeping the kids in the dark , while having one's own affair in response to your husband's, TC.

[Reggie]

A judge's decison as to what to award in terms of maintenance will , most likely, depend on a number of factors. A judge will take into consideration the children's ages and their need to have a parent at home. A judge will, typically look at the disparity in incomes, the length of time the spouse was out of the work force and the need for retraining. The length of the marriage factors in , as well.

I believe DNUI's discovery was fairly recent, so I do not understand the allegation that he is in some prolonged period of feeling down. This takes a long time to get over.

[DNU1]

I won't hit the ignore button Tami. I'm a fighter. Just like back in December when I found out about OM#3...I fought for my marriage and my family! Period.

 

I think I'm beginning to understand your feelings towards my situation more. That's okay. We will just have to agree to disagree on the informing children and financial situation. This is my life. I wake up and look at myself in the mirror every morning and I see a man who has done what he had to do.

 

And yes, I'm 2.5 weeks out from DDay#3, OM#4. So please give me a little slack when it comes to angst/anger/resentment/pain/emotions/etc.

 

Need to run and take care of my children. They need their Dad right now. MOre later.

 

Thanks Reggie...

[Reggie]

You are welcome DNUI. You've been through enough without having to deal with these sexists attacking you. They are ill informed and make no sense.

[DNU1]

You are welcome DNUI. You've been through enough without having to deal with these sexists attacking you. They are ill informed and make no sense.

 

Yea, but I love a good argument Reggie. Old philosophy undergrad in me...

 

Funny thing is the STBx never really argued with me. When she would get mad she would get quiet and clam up. Only real times she ever blew up at me was when she was having an affair and got fed up and lashed out at me -- probably trying to displace her inner anger on external thing (me). Other times it would be jokes, hints, never really sitting down and saying, "this is what I need from you."

 

We had this strange way of dancing around difficult issues and letting them just fade in to the distance.

 

She told me last night that she never really felt we delt with the first affairs 14+ years ago. Never really got to the root of the problem and issues within her head (these were her words Tami...not mine). Never really solved the problem...just let it fade away.

 

She still to this day doesn't know why she fell for two other men in the last two years. She doesn't know why she jeapordized her marriage, her kids, her career...and most of all the relationship with her best friend, me.

 

This is tearing her apart and I do feel for her. I'm not heartless. She has little support mechanisms to assist her. Not many friends or family there to support her. I've got parents, brother & SIL, sister, two really good friends, neighbor and loads of peeps on this and another message board.

 

I feel bad that she's not got more support.

 

But I have to stop rescuing her. I've got to stop living my life for her...and start living it for my kids and myself (sorry, I keep saying that...i'm saying it more for me than for you all).

 

It's hard. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I haven't touched her in 2.5 weeks. Before that I couldn't keep my hands off her. Hugs, kisses, back rubs, touching, snuggling on couch, spooning in bed, pat on the behind, the list goes on and on...

 

And now i've got to just shut that off. I've got to distance myself. Hard.

[soserious1]

Yea, but I love a good argument Reggie. Old philosophy undergrad in me...

 

Funny thing is the STBx never really argued with me. When she would get mad she would get quiet and clam up. Only real times she ever blew up at me was when she was having an affair and got fed up and lashed out at me -- probably trying to displace her inner anger on external thing (me). Other times it would be jokes, hints, never really sitting down and saying, "this is what I need from you."

 

We had this strange way of dancing around difficult issues and letting them just fade in to the distance.

 

She told me last night that she never really felt we delt with the first affairs 14+ years ago. Never really got to the root of the problem and issues within her head (these were her words Tami...not mine). Never really solved the problem...just let it fade away.

 

She still to this day doesn't know why she fell for two other men in the last two years. She doesn't know why she jeapordized her marriage, her kids, her career...and most of all the relationship with her best friend, me.

 

This is tearing her apart and I do feel for her. I'm not heartless. She has little support mechanisms to assist her. Not many friends or family there to support her. I've got parents, brother & SIL, sister, two really good friends, neighbor and loads of peeps on this and another message board.

 

I feel bad that she's not got more support.

 

But I have to stop rescuing her. I've got to stop living my life for her...and start living it for my kids and myself (sorry, I keep saying that...i'm saying it more for me than for you all).

 

It's hard. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I haven't touched her in 2.5 weeks. Before that I couldn't keep my hands off her. Hugs, kisses, back rubs, touching, snuggling on couch, spooning in bed, pat on the behind, the list goes on and on...

 

And now i've got to just shut that off. I've got to distance myself. Hard.

 

 

Don't feel bad about her lack of support, your wife looked at all the strange

sausage wandering the earth and felt that trading you, her kids, her home and a goodly portion of her income for the rest of her life for the chance to fsck random men was a bargain. She'll get to it soon enough if she hasn't already. Random dick meant more to her than you, the kids or anything else on the planet. You've been replaced by basically any guy willing to pull his zipper down for her. You need to harden your heart because this is reality.

 

Don't waste a nano second worrying about her, in fact I'd tell her that it would be best if she made herself scarce till her 30 day move out date. This is only tearing her apart because her attorney has doubtless let her know exactly what this is going to cost her, she sad because she got bagged and it's going to cost her money and she won't have you around anymore to use as her emotional tampon..period, plain and simple.

[soserious1]

DNU1,

 

BTW,This woman was NEVER your "best friend" she is a damaged person who relied upon you as an emotional host. The big issue now though IMHO is not about her but rather about you. When the dust settles I'd consider some IC, to look at how you became emeshed with this woman and what need in you was being filled by a dynamic that you admit wasn't healthy, you played little prince rescuer, why ? what emotional payoff where you getting and how can you heal yourself so you don't repeat the process with a different woman?

 

 

I wish you the best, healing is really hard, at first it feels like you are drowning in pain, then in rage.. it does start to get better though with time and a lot of reflection, introspection and talking the issues over with others.

[Asami]

I don't see how a BS can explain the reasons the WS decided to cheat.

And, it is evident by her choice to cheat that she did not love him. So, if the kids say this about love and good marriages, the answer is simple. The cheater did not love the BS.

 

good point here, also i'm still new to LS what is BS and WS?

[Reggie]

Soserious nailed it. Your wife is an emotional vampire, a high functioning BPD or an NPD. She has no true remorse, just worried about the effect of being busted.

Like you, DNUI, I had to look within to see why I was in a similar situation for so ling. It, clearly, was unhealthy and no healthy person would have tolerated 1/10 of what I swallowed.

In my case , it stemmed from my childhoos, with an abusive, alcoholic dad. You can fix this and learn that you deserve much better. Battle as hard as you can for yourself in this divorce. Nice guys have a tendency to concede stuff uneccessarily put of guilt over doing what is , in reality , the right thing.

[soserious1]

My mother, a stunningly bright, articulate woman grew up with an alcoholic mother and an MD father who somehow was unable to keep his children from being beaten to within an inch of their lives.

 

My mother vowed to isolate us from her extanded family and also vowed that our lives would be better, she never physically abused us but a big piece of her was clouded over by depression and an inability to express unconditional love, particularly for an odd daughter.

 

I learned early to placate, to fix and when that didn't work to just tune out, going inside myself for whatever I needed. So far I've figured out that led me to chose a husband who wasn't as intellectual and who was actually pretty guarded in terms of expressing his inner most thoughts and feelings. The thing I'm coming to understand though, is that when it comes to being guarded, my husband was a light weight, I chose him more than likely because I could then remain guarded and remote myself, I am not comfortable letting people close to me and that is how I ended up with the man I did.

 

DNUI, there are always reasons we stay with people who do not treat us well, a "pay off" of some sort, figuring that out before getting into another relationship seems to me to be a big part of healing and moving forward.

[Reggie]

Insightful, soserious.

My dad was a brutal verbally abusive drunk. A street smart, Harvard lawyer who would rip anyone to shreds that crossed him. An 8 year old boy was no match. He would hit as far below the belt as anyone I know.

I chose two wives that were much the same, one alcoholic with NPd and the other a BPD serial cheater. I was familiar with abuse like this and I'd learned that expressing dissatisfaction would result in severe rage. So, I tolerated a lot.

I've learned to set boundaries and stick up for myself. Before, my only outlet was on the ahtletic field, where I could be a maniac and was rewarded for it.

I will never allow myself to be treated like I was again. DNUI is learning how to do this.

[DNU1]

DNU1,

 

BTW,This woman was NEVER your "best friend" she is a damaged person who relied upon you as an emotional host. The big issue now though IMHO is not about her but rather about you. When the dust settles I'd consider some IC, to look at how you became emeshed with this woman and what need in you was being filled by a dynamic that you admit wasn't healthy, you played little prince rescuer, why ? what emotional payoff where you getting and how can you heal yourself so you don't repeat the process with a different woman?

 

 

I wish you the best, healing is really hard, at first it feels like you are drowning in pain, then in rage.. it does start to get better though with time and a lot of reflection, introspection and talking the issues over with others.

 

Holy chit, I do believe you hit the nail on the head!

 

IC is coming soon...trust me, having worked along side counselors in training at University, I know the benefits of good cousneling.

 

Prince rescuer, yep. I've always been the "great guy" friend who loved to talk women through their problems, help them, etc. The emotional payoff for me...a pretty face who said they cared about me and threw a little loving my way.

 

STBxWW was my first and only partner. I didn't really fall so hard for her in as much as I grew used to having her around, and really felt she needed me to *help* her. And I was getting sexed well. Helping people is a high emotional need for me...in many ways it's more important than making $$ when it came to choosing a career path.

 

I think I've always felt like a bit of a shrek standing next to princess fiona (the hottie one), in our marriage. Always been fearful that I could never land a woman as beautiful as my STBx.

 

After 5 months of reading, growing, learning, I've come to realize just how out of whack our relationship was. And that beauty is only skin deep. Even through I look like shrek, I've got a heart of gold and would make a great husband...and deserve much better from a wife.

 

You are right. She was never my best friend. I was just her fix-it-man, her emotional host.

 

Spot on soserious1! Thanks.