DDay#3...OM#4...Devestation

[Gamine]

Godspeed.

 

As I write this I send you 'white light' with wishes for a life blessed with kindness, affirmation, joy and prosperity.

 

Your decency, strength as a man, goodness and faithfulness are all qualities that many aspire to be/do/have. You are a man among men and here are 'Kudos' sent to you for being such a good guy...

 

Perhaps this woman may soon learn that when she lays with dogs she gets fleas.

[seibert253]

Her power over me, the addiction to helping her, it is growing weaker and weaker every day.

 

I once worshiped the ground she walked on. Now she seems but a hollow shell of a person that I once thought I knew. She looks dejected, alone, ashamed and broken. The gleam is gone from her eyes. When the kids want to sit on my lap and watch TV I can see her sinking lower and lower into her chair. It is sad.

 

But I resist the urge to help her, to even talk to her about her pain, her sorrow. I cannot be that person for her any more. I cannot be her rock, her savior any more. I must focus on my children and myself.

 

Tonight is her first night *in charge* of the kids. I plan on going to a movie, then shooting some pictures of a local band. And don't plan on being home until late.

 

Throughout our marriage I have been the one taking care of the dog, then the kiddos. Even after she was back at work from having kids, it was I that got them up, dressed, fed, off to daycare when I was working full time. I'd pick them up, feed, baths and often times to bed even before she got home. Yes, there were times when she could be around, but the majority of time it was Dad.

 

And in last 4 years it's been more Dad and less mom. Even when she was around and not working, I felt as if I needed to be here, taking care of kids and house so she could relax after a hard day's work.

 

Not any more. When it is *her day* or *her weekend* i fully plan on being scarce. She will get to be in charge with full responsibility of the kids, dog, house, life.

 

It's as if I have been given a new found freedom! And it is good.

 

Isn't it great when that light finally goes off and you can say, now I get it. Dude you sound like a hell of a dad. You kids are so blessed. You've wife was too, but she was too stupid to see that.

[DNU1]

Thanks Gamine & siebert253! Kind words. I WILL stay strong for my children! They are the light of my life!

[tami-chan]

Her power over me, the addiction to helping her, it is growing weaker and weaker every day.

 

I once worshiped the ground she walked on. Now she seems but a hollow shell of a person that I once thought I knew. She looks dejected, alone, ashamed and broken. The gleam is gone from her eyes. When the kids want to sit on my lap and watch TV I can see her sinking lower and lower into her chair. It is sad.

 

But I resist the urge to help her, to even talk to her about her pain, her sorrow. I cannot be that person for her any more. I cannot be her rock, her savior any more. I must focus on my children and myself.

 

Tonight is her first night *in charge* of the kids. I plan on going to a movie, then shooting some pictures of a local band. And don't plan on being home until late.

 

Throughout our marriage I have been the one taking care of the dog, then the kiddos. Even after she was back at work from having kids, it was I that got them up, dressed, fed, off to daycare when I was working full time. I'd pick them up, feed, baths and often times to bed even before she got home. Yes, there were times when she could be around, but the majority of time it was Dad.

 

And in last 4 years it's been more Dad and less mom. Even when she was around and not working, I felt as if I needed to be here, taking care of kids and house so she could relax after a hard day's work.

 

Not any more. When it is *her day* or *her weekend* i fully plan on being scarce. She will get to be in charge with full responsibility of the kids, dog, house, life.

 

It's as if I have been given a new found freedom! And it is good.

 

Can't you wife afford a maid? Have the maid clean the house and mom just gets quality time with kids without having to worry about laundry and cleaning the fridge or doing dishes or feed the dog.

[tami-chan]

Her power over me, the addiction to helping her, it is growing weaker and weaker every day.

 

I once worshiped the ground she walked on. Now she seems but a hollow shell of a person that I once thought I knew. She looks dejected, alone, ashamed and broken. The gleam is gone from her eyes. When the kids want to sit on my lap and watch TV I can see her sinking lower and lower into her chair. It is sad.

 

But I resist the urge to help her, to even talk to her about her pain, her sorrow. I cannot be that person for her any more. I cannot be her rock, her savior any more. I must focus on my children and myself.

 

Tonight is her first night *in charge* of the kids. I plan on going to a movie, then shooting some pictures of a local band. And don't plan on being home until late.

 

Throughout our marriage I have been the one taking care of the dog, then the kiddos. Even after she was back at work from having kids, it was I that got them up, dressed, fed, off to daycare when I was working full time. I'd pick them up, feed, baths and often times to bed even before she got home. Yes, there were times when she could be around, but the majority of time it was Dad.

 

And in last 4 years it's been more Dad and less mom. Even when she was around and not working, I felt as if I needed to be here, taking care of kids and house so she could relax after a hard day's work.

 

Not any more. When it is *her day* or *her weekend* i fully plan on being scarce. She will get to be in charge with full responsibility of the kids, dog, house, life.

 

It's as if I have been given a new found freedom! And it is good.

 

So you expected your wife to work ( MDs have grueling scheds) AND put in the same amount of domestic responsibilities as you?hmmmm.....

[tami-chan]

Thanks Taylor. People who have known me throughout the years have always said I was a *great guy*, devoted to my wife and kiddos, would do anything to help...just all around great guy.

 

It's hard because for the longest time I thought they were just saying that. After working on things these last five months (since DDay#2) and working to become a better husband, father and person...well, I realize that I am doing things the right way. I'm talking the talk and walking the walk.

 

And it's a hard lesson to learn and get myself to believe, especially with all the media hyping style over substance...but I do know that I'm a good man deep down inside. Physical appearance has little to do with what I'm made of.

 

For now it's concentrate on being best DAD I can be. And taking my focue away from STBxWW and putting it on me and my kids.

 

Yea, you are right...the right woman will pay more attention to what's in my heart...

 

Thanks!

 

 

I think you need to get a job..unless you want to date another woman using your stbxw's money....although that would be sweet revenge, too! But won't earn you respect from other women....at least, i don't think it will....

[Chrome Barracuda]

LMAO she said, get a maid! We in a recession! Look this is what the wife wanted, if she cant take care of the kids then that's on her. DNU's probably tired of being the one to take care of the kids by himself. My mom worked alot but she always made time to help with homework. and she was a single mother.

 

She has to make time for her kids.

[Reggie]

So you expected your wife to work ( MDs have grueling scheds) AND put in the same amount of domestic responsibilities as you?hmmmm.....

 

Better brush up on those reading comprehension skills TC. Your stuff is getting steadily more inane.

[DNU1]

Freedom: last night after dinner I was out of there. This was wife's first night with kiddos via parenting plan. I rolled out around 6:00 PM. Felt like I had just gotten a get out of jail free card! Amazing feeling.

 

Hit a few stores, then off to a local bar/club to ask band if I could shoot pics later that night. They were good to go. Planned on hitting movie with my brother, but he had to reneg...so I went myself. Who cares! Movie was good.

 

Then back to bar to shoot pics. House lights cause fits for digital cameras with all the red tones. But after about 1/2 hour of messing around with settings I finally nailed it. Shot probably 500 pics. Fun time. Crowd was okay, not many dancing at times. But I didn't care. I was there to enjoy the tunes and work on my photog skills.

 

Didn't talk to many people outside the band and lights guy. Just kept to myself, worked on my craft and enjoyed knowing that I didn't have to be home to take care of the STBxWW.

 

It was good.

[taylor]

Good for you, DNU. It's a new beginning. Only uphill from here.

[DNU1]

Good for you, DNU. It's a new beginning. Only uphill from here.

 

Ug. Today she couldn't find a swimsuit that fit, so took kids to mall. She got all dolled up, hottie shirt, hair done nice, makeup...looking good. Damn her!

 

So I found reason to be in basement away from her charms. When they got back I left the house to *run errands*

 

All it takes is me reading a few e-mails and texts from OMs and thinking how horrible she was to me...and I'm good to go.

[DNU1]

This stress thing must be pretty powerful stuff. Before DDay#3 two weeks ago my sex drive was very strong. Two times a week would keep me happy and good-to-go. Three times a week and I'm sleeping like a baby @ night.

 

Since finding out about OM#4 I've literally not touched her. Not even brushed against her hand in any way. And you can bet I'm not touching her in any other way either.

 

And for two weeks I've not even had the remotest inclining of even pulling the old "flying solo" thing. I've heard stress effects your sex drive, but wow, never thought it would be this bad.

[taylor]

Ug. Today she couldn't find a swimsuit that fit, so took kids to mall. She got all dolled up, hottie shirt, hair done nice, makeup...looking good. Damn her!

 

So I found reason to be in basement away from her charms. When they got back I left the house to *run errands*

 

All it takes is me reading a few e-mails and texts from OMs and thinking how horrible she was to me...and I'm good to go.

 

Still don't think this weekend arrangement is best for you,, DNU. So I hope it truly is temporary. Keep firing up that blackberry. And remember, true beauty lies on the inside, and you know what she is made up of on the inside.

[DNU1]

Still don't think this weekend arrangement is best for you,, DNU. So I hope it truly is temporary. Keep firing up that blackberry. And remember, true beauty lies on the inside, and you know what she is made up of on the inside.

 

Yea, some days I struggle with her here. Other days she doesn't bother me a bit. Per the temp agreement, she's got 30 days to find a new place to sleep. And i'm sure her attorney has told her to take every single one of them.

 

Blackberry on...e-mails/texts read. Ug.

 

Yes, true beauty lies on the inside! Her insides are all messed up.

[Darth Vader]

Sometimes I wish I had the entire story. It is just so weird that all this went on for so long and I do not know exactly what happened. Not even sure if my kids are biologically mine. What a crazy world this is.

 

 

Why not get a DNA test?

[tami-chan]

Better brush up on those reading comprehension skills TC. Your stuff is getting steadily more inane.

 

Oh my comprehension is fine...DNu1 is complaining about how he had to take care of the kids and keep house, etc. while she worked.. ahmm..why wouldnt he have? He is/was a house-husband. There is no such thing as 50-50 in this case.

 

My "stuff is steadily more inane"....very nice my former friend.....continue on trying to discredit me and putting me down, if that makes you happy. I don't really know why you insist on commenting to my post <shrug>. I would rather be inane than spend years of being bitter and wallowing in despair ( not that you are, 'just saying). I guess I could also go your route and make disparaging remarks about you, but I won't....no, not to you...despite of yourself.

[seibert253]

Oh my comprehension is fine...DNu1 is complaining about how he had to take care of the kids and keep house, etc. while she worked.. ahmm..why wouldnt he have? He is/was a house-husband. There is no such thing as 50-50 in this case.

 

My "stuff is steadily more inane"....very nice my former friend.....continue on trying to discredit me and putting me down, if that makes you happy. I don't really know why you insist on commenting to my post <shrug>. I would rather be inane than spend years of being bitter and wallowing in despair ( not that you are, 'just saying). I guess I could also go your route and make disparaging remarks about you, but I won't....no, not to you...despite of yourself.

 

Can't say I agree with you Tami, most times I don't, but you bring another prospective to the table. This is healthy and enjoyable.

 

In the words of the infamous Rodney King; "can't we all just get along".

[DNU1]

Oh my comprehension is fine...DNu1 is complaining about how he had to take care of the kids and keep house, etc. while she worked.. ahmm..why wouldnt he have? He is/was a house-husband. There is no such thing as 50-50 in this case.

 

Tami: Thanks for your perspective. I've got no problem being the Dad/Mom/stay-at-home, etc. Ever since our kids were born (10 years ago) my wife was leaving for Doc work @ 6:00 AM, so I've been the one getting them up, feeding, off to daycare (when I was working), then home, fed, baths, to bed. It's ALWAYS been that way.

 

When I was working full time we split household duties 50/50, for six years.

 

In the last four years as a stay at home I did more, but it was never enough.

 

In November 2008 she blew up at me saying I needed to do even more. Little did I know she was in the midst of TWO affairs at the time. I was clueless, but had a gut feeling. Burried my head in the sand and worked my tail off to make mariage / life better.

 

In December I found out about OM#3 and thought long and hard about what I wanted to do. I chose to work on marriage and re-doubled my efforts around house. AND I asked if there was ANYONE else in her life? Any time in past, present? She stated over and over "NO!"

 

So from December on I DID IT ALL! All cleaning, all cooking, all laundry, everything I could to do be a better Dad, husband, person. And all along she was still seeing OM#4.

 

That's the part that irks me. That I have been working SO hard on our marriage, our life, our family...for FIVE months this consumed me. And all allong I was asking her, "is there anyone else?" She kept saying, "No."

 

I'm not complaining about doing all housework, I would have gladly done that until the day I died. I'm upset because she was gaslighting me since December. She let me give the marriage 110% all the while contining to see OM#4 daily.

 

I hope this helps you understand my situation more. If you have more quesitons, I'd be happy to answer...D.

[Reggie]

The comprehension comment comes about because he did not complain at all. Just set out the facts of their arrangement.It is relevant on the primary caregiver issue.

Doctors schedules are no more "grueling" tham many professionals and other workers. I have many friends who are docs. They are well compensated and don't work harder schedules than anyone else in our group. I'd venture to say that taking care of the kids and household is every bit as grueling.

Yet, DNUI did not complain about his role.

If this woman can afford a maid now that she will be on her own, more power to her. There was no need for one before because her husband was doing the work at home.

[Reggie]

I think you need to get a job..unless you want to date another woman using your stbxw's money....although that would be sweet revenge, too! But won't earn you respect from other women....at least, i don't think it will....

 

He'll need some time to get his career back on track. And, why on earth would someone not respect a man who is taking care of his home and kids? Many divorced woman live off alimony and child support and folks do not look down on them. Their responsibilities do not always allow them to work full time.

DNUI, should get decent maintenance and child support sufficient to alloow him to live in a reasonable manner to which he was accustomed. His career was put on hold, a career that sounds every bit as demanding and capable of generating good compenstaion. It will take time to make up the ground he lost in reliance on his wife's abiding by their agreement.

[Reggie]

Tami: Thanks for your perspective. I've got no problem being the Dad/Mom/stay-at-home, etc. Ever since our kids were born (10 years ago) my wife was leaving for Doc work @ 6:00 AM, so I've been the one getting them up, feeding, off to daycare (when I was working), then home, fed, baths, to bed. It's ALWAYS been that way.

 

When I was working full time we split household duties 50/50, for six years.

 

In the last four years as a stay at home I did more, but it was never enough.

 

In November 2008 she blew up at me saying I needed to do even more. Little did I know she was in the midst of TWO affairs at the time. I was clueless, but had a gut feeling. Burried my head in the sand and worked my tail off to make mariage / life better.

 

In December I found out about OM#3 and thought long and hard about what I wanted to do. I chose to work on marriage and re-doubled my efforts around house. AND I asked if there was ANYONE else in her life? Any time in past, present? She stated over and over "NO!"

 

So from December on I DID IT ALL! All cleaning, all cooking, all laundry, everything I could to do be a better Dad, husband, person. And all along she was still seeing OM#4.

 

That's the part that irks me. That I have been working SO hard on our marriage, our life, our family...for FIVE months this consumed me. And all allong I was asking her, "is there anyone else?" She kept saying, "No."

 

I'm not complaining about doing all housework, I would have gladly done that until the day I died. I'm upset because she was gaslighting me since December. She let me give the marriage 110% all the while contining to see OM#4 daily.

 

I hope this helps you understand my situation more. If you have more quesitons, I'd be happy to answer...D.

 

Your wife is a bottomless pit, DNUI, like all the disordered. You did more than enough for a normal person, probably too much. There was no way to keep her satisfieed. She is a serial cheater and a habitual liar and manipulator. She has many signs of a personality disorder.

[DNU1]

I agree Reggie. She's got deep issues that need to be resolved. I sincerely hope that some day she can understand what her issues are. And I hope she can muster the courage to tell me everything that went on, all the OMs, all the situations...everything.

 

And I hope some day she appologizes to me for all the pain she caused. And I hope that some day she appologizes to her daughters for what she did.

 

I will not watch the clock / calendar waiting for that day to come. I must move on. I must keep on growing, improving, taking care of myself and my children.

 

Thanks for your words. DNU1

[tami-chan]

DNUi, I understand you are a house husband and you did a good job...so what though? Many women are housewives and are doing a good job and got cheated on but they do not come here talking about how they did the laundry, cook ,clean house, took care of the kids. Mentioning all of that appears as if you 1) are complaining 2) want some credit. Why? because you are a man? That's b*llsh*t! You and yourwife have decided that she was going to be the primary earner....so you did your end of the deal as primary caretaker of the kids! There's nothing extra-ordinary about it. Just you doing your job as a stay at home dad.

 

Now, you are gleefully talking about how she has to do this and that for your kids and you will go somewhere etc.etc... that's well and good...but if I were advising your wife I would tell her to go get a maid to do all the household chores , so she can spend quality time with the kids( eat with them, do stuff with them, homework, shop, etc..). Maids don't cost that much--not even half of what she makes in a day. Or, she can cut her hours so she can spend more time with the kids, it will be less income for her, but hey, there are better things in life than having a lot of money, right?

 

And for your own sake, go get a job or volunteer somewhere. Have some pride and be financially independent. I know many women get alimony and stuff, that's fine, if it works for them. But to me, there is nothing more debasing than having to depend for my basic subsistence on the person who has betrayed me. Besides many women halt there careers for the children. You didnt do that, you said you couldnt get a job and thus it sounds like you were forced to be a househusband. Well, this time force yourself to get a job..if your field is so demanding and important, I am sure there is a job for you somewhere...if not, get educated in a different field. It can be done.

 

I do not think your wife ever loved you, nor respected you...so let go...she can deal with her issues without dragging you further down.

[tami-chan]

Can't say I agree with you Tami, most times I don't, but you bring another prospective to the table. This is healthy and enjoyable.

 

In the words of the infamous Rodney King; "can't we all just get along".

 

LOL, thanks Seibert. It's a personal thing against me, nothing to do with the board. No matter the denials and protestations.

[DNU1]

Tami: either you didn't read my post and understand fully, or you just don't get it.

 

My wife is a bottomless pit. She gaslighted me for FIVE months as I worked my tail off to recover the marriage, be a better husband, take care of my kids. It's these last FIVE months that I'm specifically talking about. The five months between DDay #2 and DDay#3 when I was BUSTING my tail to make things right.

 

And she did nothing. She allowed me to bust my tail, all the while having another OM in the wings.

 

And all this time she always said she loved me being the stay at home. She loved it that I could take them to practices, to and from school, feed them, etc.

 

I don't regret being a stay at home. I don't regret walking away from my careers.

 

I do resent her for letting me work my tail off, her not coming clean and telling me the truth. And frankly I'm pissed that she was going to allow me to bust my tail FOREVER and she was NEVER planning on telling me about the OM.

 

Seriously, if you are just going to nit-pick my situation and throw darts at the parts you find objectionable, then have fun.

 

The bottom line is I did nothing wrong in this marriage. I worked my tail off and tried to give her everything she always wanted. I was always there for her...for 20+ years. I was NEVER unfaithful to her. I was always trying to fill her void...something that I could never do.

 

She's a broken woman. She's got serious issues. She needs to deal with them. Please stop throwing daggers at me and my posts. You aren't helping one bit. D.