jasminetea Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 Shocked I am so sorry that you have had to go through this, but thank you for sharing the story and your thoughts, you've acted amazingly throughout this episode. Also thanks to the contributors too, its an absolutely fantastic thread to learn from and I for one, have certainly learnt a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 Travelgirl is right in alot of respects. I think right now in order for you to make that next step, resolution to this problem needs to be higher in the list than saving this marriage. With resolution there is a risk of her walking away. Don't use this threat of a divorce as a bluff, prepare yourself mentally for all of this. If you continue to not do anything, then her disrespect will continue and only get worse. It will then get to the point that SHE will want the divorce. And this BS that "He's just a friend", is that old one-liner that everyone really knows what is meant. If she was really remorseful she would stop all contact, put you #1 as a priority in her life. She's not, she's showing you this in this action she is doing. It's now time for you to do the same. Remember not to base your own-self worth on what she has done. No matter who she would've married the outcome would be still the same. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 everyone is giving you good advice---the only way to get her to move one way or the other is to hit her with something beyond what you are now doing----slap some divorce papers on her, you don't have to go thru with the D., but you do need to move her one way or the other---- Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shockedhusband Posted June 25, 2009 Author Share Posted June 25, 2009 Well its done I told her tonight when she got home that first thing in the morning I was going to be contacting the lawyer and filing for divorce. There was quite a bit of tears and questions and I basically told her that I had given her every opportunity to work on the marriage and that she continued to be in contact with the other guy even after I asked her to stop. She really didn't have much of a response other than it was my decision and that she was going to have to accept that decision and live with it. It is wierd though, everything is right there in front of my face and everything is pointing toward the fact that I made the right decision. That if she truly wanted to work on things that she would have ended contact and really made an attempt to work on things. Yet I am questioning my decision and I am not sure why. Likely it is that I really do like to hurt people and I can see my stbx is hurting right now. I will be making an appointment for myself to be seeing an counselor tomorrow as well. Oh and YES I will be calling the lawyer tomorrow, no matter how bad I question myself its all or nothing now Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 She forced your hand. You had no alternative, with the contiuing affair. You are doing the right thing. Scary, though, I know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shockedhusband Posted June 25, 2009 Author Share Posted June 25, 2009 my last post should read that I really don't like to hurt people not that I do like to hurt people She came back at me with some more comments tonight that further my position that I am doing the right thing. She stated that two weeks ago when she was going up to be with her dying grandfather that I should have went up there with her when she went up to see him. She specifically told me that she was going to travel home with her sister and told me to stay at home and work and to travel up with my brother in law and nephew if things took a turn for the worst. She told me tonight that I should have known that she wanted me to come up there with her and I should have come with her. I simply told her that I was not a mind reader, her response was that I still should have known that, that that is how couples are they should know their partner that well. I feel that she is still trying to justify her actions and make me feel bad for things turning out this way. I really think one of the telling things about all of this is that she did not even put up a fight against my telling her about the divorce. There were tears but she didn't try any bargaining or saying I am sorry for what has happened. She said nothing about ending contact and promising to truly work on things. Her basic response was "It is your decision and I have to accept it and live with it" Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 she doesn't feel badly about hurting you... in fact - she's still willing to throw salt on the wound by trying to make it your fault because you didn't read her mind. in the infidelity world we call this gaslighting. she will continue to try to justify her bad behavior - this only makes it easier to figure that you made the right decision. she has no remorse - i hate that approach. a sense of entitlement in the one that cheats leaves no room for recovery. the finger will always be pointed at you... at least from her perspective. keep your head on straight - she will make you believe you are to blame... and it will make you feel like a crazy person. i hate it when cheaters make it seem this way - my heart is heavy for you. Link to post Share on other sites
travelgirl Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Shocked, I think your guilty feeling is mixed with the disappointment that she didn't put up a fight. But this is to be expected. She is still in gaslighting mode which is why she tried making you feel guilty for not being a mind reader - but I guarantee if you would have went, she would have been pissed you weren't giving her space. You are currently in a no win situation so the more you "talk" with her the more you have to lose. File for divorce and no more talking. She will definitely test you and act like she doesn't care but still try to get a rise out of you. She doesn't want to lose. That is her mentality at this point. Immature - yes but she feels like she has the upper hand (and in all honesty she does) and does not want to relinquish that title. But if you stop talking to her - really stop talking to her - tell her to move out and don't let her talk to you or gaslight you, things will change. It might be a week, it might be 6 months but the tides will turn. The problem is, the longer she waits, the longer you have to recover and move on, see her for what she is, and probably not want her anymore anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shockedhusband Posted June 25, 2009 Author Share Posted June 25, 2009 Travelgirl I can already say that I do not want her any more. In the beginning of all of this we would talk I would go to bed and wake up with some hope that things would be different and then I would check the cell phone records and that hope would be dashed. After a while of living like that, trying to work things out and doing my part to better myself for her and the relationship that hope you have gets less and less each morning until its gone. She asked me tonight if I want her to move out, she said she would be looking for apartments or a place to stay tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Travelgirl I can already say that I do not want her any more. In the beginning of all of this we would talk I would go to bed and wake up with some hope that things would be different and then I would check the cell phone records and that hope would be dashed. After a while of living like that, trying to work things out and doing my part to better myself for her and the relationship that hope you have gets less and less each morning until its gone. She asked me tonight if I want her to move out, she said she would be looking for apartments or a place to stay tomorrow. perfect - make her as uncomfortable as you can. she created the mess - she has to live with what she created. when she wakes up from her affair fog (when she's realizing what a mess she made and she can't believe it) that is when she will have regrets. she's not full of regret right now - so it's not worth wasting your energy on her bad behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Tell her to let OM read her mind from now on. You've had enough and is done! I'm glad your filing, because it doesnt look like she's worthy of even marriage within itself. Whoever heard of ending an affair physically but still talk to the OM??? The affair isnt over! it never stopped! cancel this chick and move on, get her outta the house and move on!!! your peace of mind is imperative! Link to post Share on other sites
TroyNJ Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 I'm sorry but you handled this horrible. The MINUTE you found out about the EA you should have tossed her out of the House, by allowing it too continue you looked very weak and like a beta male. I'm sorry for what your going through but I tell it like it is, you didn't need a so called "professional" to tell you how to man up. Owl gave the best advice and if you would have followed it when he gave it maybe you could have possible saved the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 The next time she tells you that this is your decision and she has to learn to live with it, remind her point blank that this WASN'T your decision...it was HERS. She refused to protect your marriage, she refused to take the actions she needed to....SHE was the one who chose this path...not you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shockedhusband Posted June 25, 2009 Author Share Posted June 25, 2009 Book it....done Just got the paper work over to the lawyer to get the ball rolling Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 The next time she says it was your decisions...just tell her to shut the f*ck up. You don't care anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Even if it was your decision, it was a sound one, one she forced. On the beta male deaal, it is very common to react as you did. One is shocked and confused. It takes a while for some to figure out it was not their fault and that they need to take a strong stand and deliver an ultimatum. So, you acte like many guys and it was probably the worst thing you could have done. I did it too and now I know to never, ever tolerate this type of abuse again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shockedhusband Posted June 25, 2009 Author Share Posted June 25, 2009 Reggie, you live and you learn. Some may say I handled the situation poorly but you can bet your bottom dollar that if i am ever in this situation again its going to be a whole different ball game Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Yep, it is easy for someone from the outside to beat his chest and proclaim that he is an "alpha" male (whatever the F that is)and would have handled it differently. It is a whole nother matter when it is happening to you. I've had it happen in two marriages and in the second one I was way more proactive:hired a PI , consulted a lawyer right away , and exposed. Same result, fortunately , as it got me out of a bad marriage. Some of these cheating spouses are so messed up, they will die with their boots on, never expressing remorse or accepting responsibility. I suspect your results would have been the same regardles of which tack you took. Your STBXWW has too much of a sense of entitltment to have responded to your having been more aggressive, IMO. SHe has continued her affair and the lying despite being discovered. Most of theses WSs are like this. The remorseful, responsibility accepting ones are the exceptions. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 I think what reggie meant is you took a little while longer by letting her continue the affair. I think I understand it what he meant because you said the affair was over but yet even after you wrote she still had verbal contact with the OM? The affair never ended. It would have been preferable if you stuck to your time frame when you said you did. But all in all. your not wafling anymore, now the last thing you need to do is exposure. Let everyone know why the divorce and what is the reason. Not out of anger or vengence but because of truth. We're here with you homie. It's time to move on, dont ask her for anything anymore, do not get sucked into her emotionally anymore. Do not help her anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 I think what reggie meant is you took a little while longer by letting her continue the affair. I think I understand it what he meant because you said the affair was over but yet even after you wrote she still had verbal contact with the OM? The affair never ended. It would have been preferable if you stuck to your time frame when you said you did. But all in all. your not wafling anymore, now the last thing you need to do is exposure. Let everyone know why the divorce and what is the reason. Not out of anger or vengence but because of truth. We're here with you homie. It's time to move on, dont ask her for anything anymore, do not get sucked into her emotionally anymore. Do not help her anymore. Yeah, as Chrome says, the last thing you need is a bunch of folks from outside the situation second guessing you. You've been through enough trauma. You did the right thing. It allowed her to show you who she really is and that should give you some peace of mind re the decision to divorce her. You may find the same type of outside critiquing relative to your recovery, with folks that have no idea of the trauma wondering why you are still hurting for a long time. It is BS. It takes a normal person a few years to heal. You have handled this realtively fine, with only a brief, understandable period of waffling. Some folks sit in your situation for years taking the abuse. You "alpha'ed" up relatively quickly. So, let's all talk NASCAR and "da bears" for some true alpha bonding, eh? Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Reggie, you live and you learn. Some may say I handled the situation poorly but you can bet your bottom dollar that if i am ever in this situation again its going to be a whole different ball game I don't think you have handled it poorly at all; to the contrary, I think that you have handled it extraordinarily well. Don't let the result confuse you: there were never any guarantees that she was going to straighten herself out no matter what you did. But had you just gone straight to the divorce lawyer without trying to fix things, she still could have reacted to that and it would have only upped the ante. On the other hand, she might still approach you later and propose a reconciliation, but don't assume that filing for divorce right off the bat would have been the correct approach if that does indeed happen. The point is, you cannot control her. You can only control yourself and see how she reacts, and then you have to decide how you're going to counteract. The bigger point is, whatever you do, make sure you do it for the right reasons. You've done that. There can be no regrets. There might have been regret had you handled it in a less mature manner. If there's anything you should handle differently, it's recognizing the signs of distress long before it gets to this point and learning how to confront it without raising tensions unnecessarily. But having said that, I don't think the bulk of this is on you; I think she's clearly the ones with the issues. Unfortunately, you have no control over her. You'll just have to learn from it and be careful in choosing your next partner...the unfortunate long-lasting consequence of affairs. Link to post Share on other sites
lena21 Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 I'm so sorry that you are going throught this and in my opinion if there is no remorse for making you feel like crap then maybe she doesn't want to fix things. I can't figure anything out myself. I'll share my story. My husband and I have been married almost two years and together almost five. We have two children, a three year old girl and a one year old son. I just found out two months ago that he had cyber sex, kissed a girl he worked with, brought her to our house when I wasn't home and fell for her, got naked pictures on his cell phone from a girl he slept with before me and promised me the entire time he wasn't talking to her. He has lied to me from the start always flirted with girls, was on dating and adult sex partner websites such as fling.com and sex search 6 total I believe. He was telling everyone I was a bitch and crazy and never let him go out and was making his life miserable. He was doing most of this since we got together. He didn't admit to any of it,I did my own wrong by snooping and found this all out. He told me he wanted a divorce until he found out the other girl from work didn't want him and even then tried telling me she kissed him first but the later admitted that he did it first and so on. He says he thought about having sex with her but decided against it but then why would you kiss her if he didn't want anything to happen? He hasn't been honest about it but now says he wants to fix our marriage and I don't know how I can get over any of this. I lost my virginity to him and love him so much but he has always had nothing but pretty words and no actions. I think he did more with girls and the girl he got the naked pictures from, I could really use some advice if anyone has any for me, this isn't even the entire story. I love him so very much and now looking I should have just made my own post instead of trying to help someone else. I'm just so consumed with this hurt andpain...if anyone has any advice please send me a message or something. Link to post Share on other sites
MrFun Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 She is still contacting this dude, I think yesterday they exchaged over 40 text messages thoughout the day and some phone calls. I am at my wits end, I have giver her my bottom line but she does not seem to get it. I'm sorry about what's happening to you, you're not alone. Bottomline is: she's more attracted to him than you. This has been building up inside her for months or more probably. He is now first choice, you are second choice and you can't get counseling to change it. What attracted her to you in the first place? How have you as a man changed in the passed years? Without talking, how can you seduce this woman again, and would you want to? She thinks: "the guy I'm with is the same as always, but this new guy is different! I feel for him, he does something to me that I can't control and I can't put my finger on it....". You think: "That bitch, why is she doing this to me and us? She must be confused. One moment she's giving tips about counseling and the next she's texting that GUY". Stay un-reactive to her. DO NOT show you care, do not show jealousy. Do not talk about feelings. "tell her: I do not need counselling, I know what I want out of my life". Find a life. Be a sexy man only then will she compare (if it's not to late) and be attracted to the better guy and then realise how evil she's been. Attract loads of women into you life. You will then hear the magic words, "You've changed somehow". There is no other way. You are second choice, be first choice again and then decide if SHE is worthy. Do what needs to be done, deep down you know how. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 I'm sorry about what's happening to you, you're not alone. Bottomline is: she's more attracted to him than you. This has been building up inside her for months or more probably. He is now first choice, you are second choice and you can't get counseling to change it. What attracted her to you in the first place? How have you as a man changed in the passed years? Without talking, how can you seduce this woman again, and would you want to? She thinks: "the guy I'm with is the same as always, but this new guy is different! I feel for him, he does something to me that I can't control and I can't put my finger on it....". You think: "That bitch, why is she doing this to me and us? She must be confused. One moment she's giving tips about counseling and the next she's texting that GUY". Stay un-reactive to her. DO NOT show you care, do not show jealousy. Do not talk about feelings. "tell her: I do not need counselling, I know what I want out of my life". Find a life. Be a sexy man only then will she compare (if it's not to late) and be attracted to the better guy and then realise how evil she's been. Attract loads of women into you life. You will then hear the magic words, "You've changed somehow". There is no other way. You are second choice, be first choice again and then decide if SHE is worthy. Do what needs to be done, deep down you know how. .Um he already filed for divorce or wasnt you reading the current stuff???? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shockedhusband Posted June 27, 2009 Author Share Posted June 27, 2009 Coming in a bit late there are we MrFun....hahaha Just playing with you. Your post did make me think about some things though. When you are in the position of the BS you are already down when compared to the OM and unless the other person is will to cut contact with the OM nothing will be repaired because the OM will always seem more caring and better than you are in your spouses eye. I look back on things and I always made it a point to compliment my wife in the morning before she went to work, she dresses nice and always looks great, however when she goes to work and the OM does the same thing his comment is more important because in her eyes I was doing what I was supposed to do and he is going out of his way to compliment her making his comment much more significant. P.S. The wife is out looking for apartments right now Link to post Share on other sites
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