On "Arguements/Disagreements"

[pollswolls]

I have a question about arguements and or heated discussions with your spouse.

I know it's not ok to call each other names during a heated battle ~ But it probably happens from time to time? Right?

My husband says ALL married couples fight this way. When he gets furious with me he calls me every name in the book c*nt...bi*ch...etc.

Is this normal behavior? DO all married couples go thru this?

Side Note: I used to be a "screamer" or sorts during arguements, but thru counseling have gotten that in control & am very concious about my voice level.

Thanks

[GorillaTheater]

I have, to myself, thought "bitch!" from time to time. But I have never, ever, called my wife names. I don't know what's normal, but I suspect your situation isn't it. Sounds like verbal abuse to me.

[wuggle]

Sometimes in a REALLY heated argument we may call each other some of these names (B*tch, b*stard etc) we still generally don't use the harder words though (c*nt etc). So for us generally we swear a little but nothing too bad.

[JustLooking123]

Not "normal." Not acceptable. The tone of your post sounds almost apologetic for him - why??? If I were you, I would have a calm but serious talk with him about this, and explain how hurtful it is for him to use those words, and how you will not tolerate it any longer. If you are not hurt by your husband calling you a bitch and a cunt, then you should seek professional help (I say that seriously and compassionately, not flippantly or insultingly).

[angie2443]

Name calling is not healthy or productive. I'm sure it happens in many relationships, however, this does not make it right.

 

I've been there. At one point in our relationship, my husband started calling me names. We went to counseling for that and other reasons, and the name calling has almost completely stopped. Now, if I get called a name, which is very rare, I just walk away. It is a deal breaker for me.

[Trialbyfire]

I have a question about arguements and or heated discussions with your spouse.

I know it's not ok to call each other names during a heated battle ~ But it probably happens from time to time? Right?

My husband says ALL married couples fight this way. When he gets furious with me he calls me every name in the book c*nt...bi*ch...etc.

Is this normal behavior? DO all married couples go thru this?

Side Note: I used to be a "screamer" or sorts during arguements, but thru counseling have gotten that in control & am very concious about my voice level.

Thanks

Nope, what you're experiencing is called verbal abuse, if it's only one way. Now with some couples, they do this kind of Jerry Springer kind of argument style but no, I wouldn't say it's normal.

[wuggle]

I think anyone who would consider being swore at (or shouted at) a 'deal breaker' has serious issues. If a couple are having an argument (lets say a bad one over a major issue) I think it healthy to call each other names. You can't seriously have emotions that high and not swear at each other. If your not prepared to accept someone swearing at you in a heated argument then you are either a sociopath or just not really invested in the relationship in the first place.

 

That said if someone called me a c*nt I would certainly take notice.

[angie2443]

I think anyone who would consider being swore at (or shouted at) a 'deal breaker' has serious issues. If a couple are having an argument (lets say a bad one over a major issue) I think it healthy to call each other names. You can't seriously have emotions that high and not swear at each other. If your not prepared to accept someone swearing at you in a heated argument then you are either a sociopath or just not really invested in the relationship in the first place.

.

 

Thanks for the laugh. Seriously. If you find this way of argueing productive, then keep it up. That is your business. For me and my husband, the name calling solved nothing. It only esculated the bad emotions. Once my husband learned to control his anger more, we were able to discuss our issues in a more fair and logical mannor.

[JustLooking123]

I think anyone who would consider being swore at (or shouted at) a 'deal breaker' has serious issues. If a couple are having an argument (lets say a bad one over a major issue) I think it healthy to call each other names. You can't seriously have emotions that high and not swear at each other. If your not prepared to accept someone swearing at you in a heated argument then you are either a sociopath or just not really invested in the relationship in the first place.

 

That said if someone called me a c*nt I would certainly take notice.

 

Um, have you heard of "self control?"

 

Never has any partner ever swore at me, and I've had plenty of serious, emotionally charged arguments in my day. Nor have I swore at anyone.

 

Also, you need to look up the definition of sociopath, because you clearly do not understand it.

 

Being called a cunt/bitch during an argument with someone who is supposed to be your PARTNER is not acceptable or normal, despite what some enabling, codependent people think.

[wuggle]

Hello TBF

 

Um, have you heard of "self control?"

 

You have no idea how funny that is :laugh::laugh:

 

Never has any partner ever swore at me, and I've had plenty of serious, emotionally charged arguments in my day.

 

They wouldn't dare, that would be a 'deal-breaker' :rolleyes:

 

Also, you need to look up the definition of sociopath, because you clearly do not understand it.

 

Again, honestly, you REALLY have no idea just how funny that is given my life :laugh:

 

Being called a cunt/bitch during an argument with someone who is supposed to be your PARTNER is not acceptable or normal

 

Agree with the c*nt word, that is not acceptable, cant remember the last time someone called ME a c*nt

 

despite what some enabling, codependent people think.

 

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

[angie2443]

Being called a cunt/bitch during an argument with someone who is supposed to be your PARTNER is not acceptable or normal, despite what some enabling, codependent people think.

 

 

It's funny how the codependent/enabling part works. My husband didn't call me names in the beginning. It started out slowly. My husband became critical of the way I did certain things and because I didn't stop him then, it esculated into the name calling. Part of the reason I let it happen, is because I was used to it. I grew up in a home in which name calling happened all the time. When I went to MC with my husband and the counselor told me that her husband never called her a name, I was stunned. It hadn't occured to me that my husband could control his outbursts. This was a turning point for me.

 

OP, I wonder how people in your familly settled their arguments.

[JustLooking123]

They wouldn't dare, that would be a 'deal-breaker' :rolleyes:

 

I did not say that. It might or might not be an immediate deal-breaker. At the very least, my partner cursing at me and calling me a bitch would be a gigantic red flag, and would tell me a lot about his character. In the right context (e.g. other potential red flags), it could lead me to cut my losses. You seem to find that funny or something, but I stand by it, and respect myself too much to be cursed at by people who are supposed to love and support me. I deserve better.

[Touche]

I have to agree with JustLooking. I can't believe it's been suggested that if you don't curse doing an argument you're not that invested or whatever. I think it was even suggested that this was "healthy." And if you don't you're a "sociopath."

 

Wow.

 

I'm sad that a person would think that's normal or acceptable in a healthy relationship. Truly, that saddens me.

 

I was in a relationship (a marriage actually) where that went on. It's not for me. Trust me, my husband of (almost 14 years) and i have gotten into some real disagreements. The worst we might say is "You're acting like an ass now." Something along those lines. But no way do we call each other names. Wow. I would never settle for that kind of treatment again. And he wouldn't either.

 

I guess we have higher standards than normal if that is considered normal.

[wuggle]

I have to agree with JustLooking. I can't believe it's been suggested that if you don't curse doing an argument you're not that invested or whatever. I think it was even suggested that this was "healthy." And if you don't you're a "sociopath."

 

Not quite what was said or meant Touche...

 

I think anyone who would consider being swore at (or shouted at) a 'deal breaker' has serious issues. If a couple are having an argument (lets say a bad one over a major issue) I think it healthy to call each other names. You can't seriously have emotions that high and not swear at each other. If your not prepared to accept someone swearing at you in a heated argument then you are either a sociopath or just not really invested in the relationship in the first place.

 

What I was saying to Justlooking (TBF ) was that in a heated argument, several posters have said that someone swearing at them was a deal breaker or a large red flag. If you are in a supposedly loving relatonship and something bad happens (lets say for example you find out your Husband was having an affair) the prevelant attitude on this thread seems to be that you would not be allowed to swear. Excuse me but I would rather my SO swore at me in such an argument then tried to work on the relationship afterwards than just say "That's a deal breaker' and disolve the relationship. I was trying to say that if you are in a loving relationship and are not prepared to accept being swore at in a really bad (and thus rare) argument then I would have to question just how commited you were to that relationship in the first place.

 

You would rather throw away the relationship than be called a name ????? how strange I believe on of the contributors to this thread even stated in a previous thread that shouting at them was a deal breaker - Please , come on get real.

 

This is not to say, and I didn't so please don't twist my words, that verbal abuse on a regular basis is ok.

 

Does this explain the higher divorce rate these days, if people end relationships if someone swears at them once

 

I guess we have higher standards than normal if that is considered normal.

 

How very judgemental and rude.

[Touche]

Not quite what was said or meant Touche...

 

 

 

What I was saying to Justlooking (TBF ) was that in a heated argument, several posters have said that someone swearing at them was a deal breaker or a large red flag. If you are in a supposedly loving relatonship and something bad happens (lets say for example you find out your Husband was having an affair) the prevelant attitude on this thread seems to be that you would not be allowed to swear.

 

Hilarious...as if that's a normal "loving" relationship as you put it. One where there is cheating isn't a normal relationship in my book. If my H cheated on me, I'd not only swear at him (hell yes) I'd leave him. We're talking about swearing during NORMAL husband/wife disagreements...not life-changing deal-breakers like cheating.

 

Excuse me but I would rather my SO swore at me in such an argument then tried to work on the relationship afterwards than just say "That's a deal breaker' and disolve the relationship. I was trying to say that if you are in a loving relationship and are not prepared to accept being swore at in a really bad (and thus rare) argument then I would have to question just how commited you were to that relationship in the first place.

 

I'm very committed. And so is my H. To the point where we don't have yelling matches and name-calling. Doesn't matter how "bad" the argument is. Doesn't matter at all. We just don't engage in it.

 

You would rather throw away the relationship than be called a name ????? how strange I believe on of the contributors to this thread even stated in a previous thread that shouting at them was a deal breaker - Please , come on get real.

 

Sorry but I WOULD end a relationship over name-calling and screaming. As I said, I expect better as does my H. Call me rude or whatever other name you want to call me. How am I rude and judgmental because I expect better and want to be with a man who also expects better?

 

If that's acceptable in YOUR relationship, so be it. As long as your happy I guess.

 

This is not to say, and I didn't so please don't twist my words, that verbal abuse on a regular basis is ok.

 

Does this explain the higher divorce rate these days, if people end relationships if someone swears at them once

 

 

 

How very judgemental and rude.

 

I have no idea if it explains the divorce rate or not. I have no interest in the divorce rate. I'm only interested in our marriage and what works for us.

[Trialbyfire]

For the record, I'm not Justlooking. Do stop making false allegations. I don't need alternate user ids to get my point across.

[Athena]

For the record, I'm not Justlooking. Do stop making false allegations. I don't need alternate user ids to get my point across.

Hey Trialbyfire, I didn't think Wuggle was making an allegation that Justlooking was YOU, I think she abbreviated TBF to stand for To Be Frank, not YOUR name... ?!

 

Not quite what was said or meant Touche...

 

 

 

What I was saying to Justlooking (TBF ) was that in a heated argument, several posters have said that someone swearing at them was a deal breaker or a large red flag.

How very judgemental and rude.

[Touche]

Hey Trialbyfire, I didn't think Wuggle was making an allegation that Justlooking was YOU, I think she abbreviated TBF to stand for To Be Frank, not YOUR name... ?!

 

:lmao:

 

Yeah, and I have a bridge I'd like to sell you.

[Trialbyfire]

wuggle, I'm going to state this as clearly as possible. I have zero interest in interacting with you so you can stop your weird paranoia. I don't bother with alternate userids to get my point across. I state it quite clearly directly to the individual, using trialbyfire.

[wuggle]

I have no interest in the divorce rate. I'm only interested in our marriage and what works for us.

 

Curious , how will you square this statement when you DO have a big argument and he swears at you ? will you instantly divorce him if he does swear at you ? what if the argument is your fault ? especially given this statement :-

 

Sorry but I WOULD end a relationship over name-calling and screaming.

[Touche]

Curious , how will you square this statement when you DO have a big argument and he swears at you ? will you instantly divorce him if he does swear at you ? what if the argument is your fault ? especially given this statement :-

 

Uhm, hello? Have you been listening? We HAVE had big arguments. And he's never sworn at me in 14 years. Why would he start now?

 

What if the argument was my fault? Sometimes, not always, they HAVE been. So what? That makes no difference to how we interact with each other...his fault, my fault. Doesn't matter. We still don't name call and swear at each other.

 

Not sure what your last sentence meant. I guess it was some kind of attempt at being clever.

 

Look, this is stupid. Do you want me to say that my marriage sucks and isn't real or something just because we never curse at each other? What's your point?

 

If cursing and name-calling is acceptable in YOUR life and relationship, so be it. I'm not judging you. Don't judge me for not accepting it in my life, ok?

[Athena]

Athena, firstly thank you, I mean that. it's nice when someone jumps in to help (and no I am being honest not sarcastic). Problem is now I feel bad. You tried to defend me when in fact I WAS actually trying to say that TBF is justlooking. Please don't take that too badly, I do owe you one.

 

Justlooking used two particular phrases and gramatical constructs that I have only ever seen TBF use on Loveshack, that coupled with the fact that I have not seen any of their posts on any other thread and the timing of the posts still convinces me that either Justlooking IS TBF or she is her better sister seperated at birth (would have said worse but would anyone belive that ).

 

But again, Athena, thanks. Sorry I made you look bad, really didn't mean to

 

Lol, okay I hear you!

 

No problem... it's obvious that I was scanning the posts and I naturally assumed TBF was something else... sometimes it is difficult to pick up all the innuendo's in the written posts!

 

So -- Where is that bridge for sale, again?

[Touche]

Lol, okay I hear you!

 

No problem... it's obvious that I was scanning the posts and I naturally assumed TBF was something else... sometimes it is difficult to pick up all the innuendo's in the written posts!

 

I wouldn't call it "innuendo." It wasn't quite that subtle in my book.

 

So -- Where is that bridge for sale, again?

 

I believe it's in Brooklyn.

[wuggle]

Uhm, hello? Have you been listening? We HAVE had big arguments. And he's never sworn at me in 14 years. Why would he start now?

 

What if the argument was my fault? Sometimes, not always, they HAVE been. So what? That makes no difference to how we interact with each other...his fault, my fault. Doesn't matter. We still don't name call and swear at each other.

 

Not sure what your last sentence meant. I guess it was some kind of attempt at being clever.

 

Look, this is stupid. Do you want me to say that my marriage sucks and isn't real or something just because we never curse at each other? What's your point?

 

If cursing and name-calling is acceptable in YOUR life and relationship, so be it. I'm not judging you. Don't judge me for not accepting it in my life, ok?

 

 

My point (which I am labouring as I'm hoping it may be of some help to the OP) is this:-

 

A few people have come back on this post and said that swearing is a 'deal-breaker' , my contention is that 'why is swearing a deal breaker' ?? - I'm NOT talking about repeated continual swearing which yes I see would be a form of abuse, but if swearing is a deal breaker does this mean that in EXTREME situations if a partner swears at you (eg during a major argument) would the people who simply state 'this is a deal-breaker' just decide to divorce on the basis of one outburst in a heated argument which they themselves may even be responsible for ???

 

If you are saying that your H hasn't sworn at you in 14 years then Wow, fair play to you.

 

But what if after 14 years (for whatever reason) he does swear at you in an argument ? would you simply end it there and then ? This is the question I was alluring to when I used the phrase earlier about not being invested. How could someone say swearing is a deal breaker if it was a one off in a really heated argument and split after many years.

 

Not after a fight with you, an argument, maybe, but not a fight.

 

ps I don't swear at my wife much as she would kill me if I did and would not be happy with a life as you descibed where swearing at each other was the norm, but if she called me a b*stard one day in an argument, I wouldn't simply divorce her after 15 years.

[JustLooking123]

For the record, I am only me, myself, and I...no other usernames. Not sure where that theory came from???

 

I think, wuggle, that you have taken one sentence and run with it, while losing sight of the overall point of the thread. If an otherwise supportive, loving, stable S.O. slipped up and said a curse word at me during an argument, of course I would not end the relationship right then and there. (For the record, I was never the one who said cursing during an argument was a "deal breaker.") The O.P.'s situation is that she is being called a bitch and a cunt during repeated arguments. Someone does not just "slip up" and call their girlfriend a cunt, without some serious underlying problems. The latter situation would be much more serious than the former, obviously, and would in many cases be a deal-breaker. I can't imagine such behavior occurring out of the blue - it's an issue of character.