On "Arguements/Disagreements"

[Touche]

For the record, I am only me, myself, and I...no other usernames. Not sure where that theory came from???

 

I think, wuggle, that you have taken one sentence and run with it, while losing sight of the overall point of the thread. If an otherwise supportive, loving, stable S.O. slipped up and said a curse word at me during an argument, of course I would not end the relationship right then and there. (For the record, I was never the one who said cursing during an argument was a "deal breaker.") The O.P.'s situation is that she is being called a bitch and a cunt during repeated arguments. Someone does not just "slip up" and call their girlfriend a cunt, without some serious underlying problems. The latter situation would be much more serious than the former, obviously, and would in many cases be a deal-breaker. I can't imagine such behavior occurring out of the blue - it's an issue of character.

 

EX-ACT-LY.

 

Do you see the difference now, Wug?

[tami-chan]

For the record, I am only me, myself, and I...

 

For the record, I'm not Justlooking

 

interesting...lol...wuggle, you might be on to something.

 

However, for the record, I think many people use that phrase.

[wuggle]

Here is the OP :

 

I have a question about arguements and or heated discussions with your spouse.

I know it's not ok to call each other names during a heated battle ~ But it probably happens from time to time? Right?

My husband says ALL married couples fight this way. When he gets furious with me he calls me every name in the book c*nt...bi*ch...etc.

Is this normal behavior? DO all married couples go thru this?

Side Note: I used to be a "screamer" or sorts during arguements, but thru counseling have gotten that in control & am very concious about my voice level.

Thanks

 

and this is the last point I wish to discuss:-

 

I think, wuggle, that you have taken one sentence and run with it, while losing sight of the overall point of the thread.

 

I think from the above that the OP was looking for opinions on whether 'occasional' swearing in a heated discussion is normal. Several posters have taken this down the line of 'if this is happening regularly then this is a deal breaker' and run with that (which I agree with). But IMO this was NOT what the OP was asking. Nowhere do they say how often this is happening.

 

This is why I keep coming back to this, it looks to me like others are running with the wrong thing, and loosing site of the overall thread, so I am trying to drag it back to what the OP asked.

 

This is why I replied that if it is OCCASIONAL and in really HEATED arguments then yes I think many marriages would tolerate this , this is why I had to keep asking those who said carte-blanche "This is a deal breaker" to qualify this. I felt that the statement was crass and may give the wrong answer to the OP. In doing so it appears that in most cases even if people say this is a "deal-Breaker" it is not. It all depends on how often this is happening.

 

This is the important thing, ie how often is this happening ? which only the OP can answer.

 

If is is happening a lot, then yes this probably is indicative of a problem in the relationship and should be addressed, if it is only happening very occasionally then I don't think this is not 'Normal' (if there is such a thing) or 'Unhealthy' (in an otherwise loving relationship, where there is a lot of emotion invested).

[giotto]

I would never dream of calling my wife b**** or whatever and she has never called me anything... I suppose it's the way we've been brought up... I find swearing at people depressing...

[JustLooking123]

I think from the above that the OP was looking for opinions on whether 'occasional' swearing in a heated discussion is normal.

 

Not occasional "swearing." Occasional name-calling (things like bitch and cunt). There's a difference, rightfully.

[Trialbyfire]

Not occasional "swearing." Occasional name-calling (things like bitch and cunt). There's a difference, rightfully.

Examples of the difference:

 

"Sometimes, it drives me effin' crazy, when you do this."

"Sometimes, you're an effin' c-word."

 

Two completely different things.

[marlena]

I don't like name-calling in any relationship. It shows disrespect for the other person. Of course, I can understand the occassional epithet when in the midst of a heated argument. When it becomes a habit, however, I think it usually signals the beginning of the end of a relationship. From there, if some measure of control is not implemented, things can get very dirty and before you know it the relationship starts to spiral downward into abuse.

 

However, I do know a couple who swear at eachother profusely and then laugh about it and are all lovey dovey right away. I marvel at this dynamic. They've been married for ten years and seem to be very happy. Go figure! Somehow though, I don't think it would work for me.

[Heroic]

Calling your partner names insults you and your partner.

 

It's pointless and adds to the tension of the situation.

 

Concentrate on the issue at hand.

[pollswolls]

Lots of good comments about my question.

Yes, it does sound like I"m being a bit apologetic for him.

Why? I'm not really sure.

We've been married pushing 30 years & when we were dating he did tell me he had a huge temper. I never saw it during our dating years nor did I for many many years later.

I'm not SURE deal breaker (she says with a question in her voice)

 

My theory on WHY he does it - Whenever I call him out on specific situations that (IMO) he knows he's dead wrong, that's how he gets me to back off. He starts with the name calling & so that I don't continue the arguement he uses the name calling technique for me to stop.

I also think that since I have changed my "argumentative ways" (no yelling) he's not sure how to deal with me.

Although even if the arguement continues or I continue to discuss the matter.........Here's how his behavior goes......I talk, he closes his eyes, covers his eyes, puts his head down & sometimes puts his fingers in his ears. And has NOTHING to say. (BTW he never apologizes until the next day & even at that, I have to pratically BEG for one)

Disrespectful....YUP!!! Tell me WHY people act this way - What kind of a DISFUNCTION does this man have. This is 30 years I"ve invested in this relationship.

And, don't suggest counseling - We tried that.....the man is a SCHMOOZER to the max. Even our counselor thought I was the one in the wrong.

[2sure]

No Name Calling is a good rule.

Another good rule is when one raises their voice, its time to take a break.

 

My point being - rules are good to have. I know, I know, it sounds almost juvenile ...but they work.

 

H and I have similar values and back grounds , are both kind people...but it turns out we needed just a few rules when it came down to arguments and discussions.

 

For example - it hurts him , personally, to be called a name. But he doesnt have a problem when I increase the volume.

I feel intimidated when he raises his voice.

 

So, even in anger , we follow these couple of rules - and the results are great. Arguments that are pointless dont go on and on. Discussions that are valid have a chance to remain open to resolution and compromise.

 

And - you think you have it tough with a schmoozer...my H is a negotiator by profession . Sometimes it helps, but other times I feel like he demands compromise even when he agrees with me 100%!

[manugeorge]

I'm sorry but under NO circumstances is name calling acceptable. If my partner ever called me a b*tch to my face, then yes it will be a deal breaker for us. You don't do that to someone you supposedly care about about no matter how heated the argument is. Adults fight like adults--fair. No matter how angry I am at him and Lord knows some days I want to hit him, I have never called him a bastard, assh*** or whatever to his face. I may mutter jerk under my breath but even then it is under my breath. Could be because I don't think of him as an a-hole even when we are having our dragged out fights. He is not stupid nor is he an idiot just because he disagrees with me, and I would never refer to him as such. I mean, this is the person you claim to love, the person you sleep beside every night. If he is such an assh**, then why in the world are you with him? What does it say about you that off all the men out there in this world, you would choose an assh** to be with?

 

Words have consequences and they leave hurtful marks. Things you say in the heat of an argument can never be taken back, no matter how many times you apologize for them. It leaves a mark each time you use a derogatory word against a love one and believe it or not, those marks accumulate. There is no room for disrespect in a relationship, absolutely none. Even when you disagree, basic courtesy is still called for at all times, we live in a civilized society, don't we?.

 

There are ways to fight with a mate without making them feel like they are scum of the earth. Make-up sex doesn't cure all, those hurtful remarks ALWAYS linger so think twice before you even say them at all.

[Trialbyfire]

pollswoll, how many marriage counsellors did you go see? If it's only one, not all MCs are equal, just like not all medical doctors are equal.

 

If you used to be a yeller and screamer for years, it may have set the tone for the argument dynamics. He may have learned to shortcut the yelling and screaming by using name calling, to offset.

 

The question is, how do you fix this dynamic, without third party intervention? For that matter, how can you "make" him stop when he's unwilling to?

 

I would suggest you look for a different MC since not everyone clicks with everyone. There's no doubt he's clearly in the wrong for name calling. But if the new MC also points out areas that would help the marriage, in how you also fight, it sounds like it might be worthwhile to listen, if you want your marriage to continue.

 

Of course you can use the more extreme method, if you've had enough of him. When you're both calm, you can discuss the name-calling, as a deal-breaker. If he continues, you'll have to enforce it by making it a deal-breaker and walking.

[pollswolls]

We have been to one counselor in the last year & a half. I have been to one other counselor for IC.

We aren't in counseling together now because of the financial burden. Our insurance only covers certain kinds of Therapy - & Marriage counseling ain't one of em! Sadly!

My IC (whom I only saw twice - because all she kept telling me to do was to READ, READ, READ ....She wasn't giving advice - Only telling me to read books)

She did think that my H was a bit of a 'character'. (like bill clinton) But, again - I ended up paying $200+ out of pocket because insurance wouldn't cover it. I can find books on my own without paying someone that kind of money to tell me to read.

So, see...Marriage counseling isn't always a possibility nor does it always help a situation.