sarge19k30 Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 Well hello, I just wanted to see if I could get some help with my relationship with my wife of 8 years. Well I'm in the military and have been deplored to Iraq and have been gone for 7 months now. Things were great for the first 4 months but then she decided she wants a divorce out of the blue. She suffers from clinical depression. Well there was also another man who came into the picture just as things went for the worst, and of course there was the question of infidelity. Well he is no longer in the picture and she says she is willing to work on things. I am willing to forgive but that is not why I am here. I am not a very emotional person and not a talker. My conversational skills suck to say the least. I know that is one of the reasons she strayed. What can I do to become that guy who can just sit in a quite room with her and just talk for hours? How can I better show my emotions and help her with her emotions? I just want to be able to talk to her about anything but when we are together nothing comes to mind. I grew up in a divorced family with my father and he was allways at work and I home alone, so I never attained those social skills. PLease help me so I can be the man my wife needs cuase without here I would die! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 There are very good counsellors who can help you work on your communication skills. If you don't want to see a counsellor, you could try some books. I poked around Amazon; this guy is pretty good on marriage and relationship skills so I expect this book could be useful: A Couple's Guide to Communication by John Mordechai Gottman Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted October 30, 2003 Share Posted October 30, 2003 You did a good job writing how you felt in your post. Have you tried writing how you feel to her? Since y'all are apart, that would be a perfect way to start and maybe make you feel more comfortable by just expressing everything you feel via e-mail.....that will open the door to communication! As a chick, I can give you an idea about what she may want to hear (but of course mean it!). First of all, she will want to know how much you love her, maybe even think back and tell her about how you felt the first time you saw her and what made you fall for her. Secondly, you can tell her how much you want her and how attractive she is and what her attractiveness does to you. Then let her see your vulnerable side (make sure you maintain some pride though) and let her know how much you need her. Also, share with her the small things you think about, the amusing things, be humorous!! By personality you may never be a big talker but you can still communicate....for starters just write it down... Just an opinion, not by a professional by any means!! Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 30, 2003 Share Posted October 30, 2003 you must love her very, very much to pour your heart out in a post like this, and I'm rooting for you all the way ... it's scary opening up to people, especially when it's someone you love because you worry about frightening them off. Don't let that overwhelm you, though, and don't be cowed by what seems to be a lack of topics. vivian had a great suggestion when she said to use your email as a tool (that, among the other wonderful suggestions). describe what you see, how you feel, what you're thinking, what you miss, what you hope, what you dream ... it can be one or it can be a little bit of everything, but the main thing is to let her know that you're reaching out to HER, because you care that much to her. my husband isn't a big talker, but sometimes at night, when we can't sleep, I'll ask him about what it was like to grow up all over (his dad was Army ... and had a powerful case of wanderlust .... so they traveled a lot). Mostly, it's stories about the farm in Alabama, where he calls home, and it feels so good just knowing that he wants to share these little things. I'm guessing that your wife, being a girl, lol, would feel the same way. if you're feeling a bit uncomfortable about getting that personal that quick, places like Barnes and Noble bookstores have books on trivia and conversation starters. Some of them are kind of silly, but they're meant to be ice-breakers. I know that you don't quite have a BNN there, but maybe you can draw up a list of questions you wouldn't mind discussing answers to (think like a four-year-old: why is this this way? what makes it work? what do you think of so and so?). good luck, and stay strong. Half the battle is just wanting to make a change, the rest is smoother sailing because of that. and God bless you for service! jo anne Link to post Share on other sites
Faerie Princess Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 You may already be the man of her dreams and neither of you realize it! Communicating isn't as hard as it seems. One important key is to be honest with yourself as much as with your wife. You love her, so tell her. Tell her why. Tell her the little things, the big things, dreams about your future, joys of your past. Each time you find yourself start to tighten up and not share, give a little something. Laugh with her, joke with her. Tell her funny things, goofy things. And ask her questions. Don't get frustrated if it's hard. You love her, so hard is worth working through. When she rebuffs you, take a breath and change the subject or move on to something else. If you're really upset tell her calmly, "hey, I'm really wanting to talk with you right now, and I'm feeling a little rebuffed. Am I imagining it or is this not a good time to talk?" Link to post Share on other sites
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