What went wrong?

[Grace]

I'm 33 and was dating an incredible person (he's 30) for the past 9 mos. He was the best thing that ever happened to me and I had never been so happy. I flew to CA with him and met his mother, I spent a lot of the summer at his father house (his parents are divorced), I'd become good friends with his close friends from home. He met my family too. He was always there for me when I needed him, called me everyday. We saw each other 5 - 6 days a week (sometimes even after hanging out with our friends.) He never told me he loved me, but he showed me (which was different from most of the guys I've dated). At 6 mos. I confronted him with "how do you feel about me and us". He said happy. He loved being with me and was really attracted to me and cared for me, but he didn't know if he was in love yet. He said he'd never been in love before, did even know if he knew what it was, and when he finally says it, he's going to mean it. He wanted me to relax and see if our relationship would continue to grow. I freaked and broke up w/ him thinking if he didn't love me after 6 mos.... he never would. He was so upset when i left him and even cried hysterically (which i was surprised about - he's not a crier at all). The next day i told him I'd chill out and go with it...which is what I did. I never asked him if he loved me again. He was just so there for me, I didn't need to ask.

 

Well 2 mos after that, (now a total of 8 mos dating), we had been spending so much time together, and I was feeling so close to him. Unfortunately, there was a death in his friends family and he and I clung onto each other thru the hard time. 2 weeks later, he tried to break up with me. I was shocked. He said we were fighting too much (which we weren't really, just small stupid little fights) and giving me the stupidest excuses of the things I did wrong. Then he changed his mind and said it wasn't me, it was himself and stuff he was going thru in his life and career. I begged him not to end it and finally he said OK, we'll stay together. The very next day, he started pushing me away. His friends became more important (ironically 3 of them just broke up with their girlfriends) and I got shoved to the back burner. He only called me every 3 days and saw me once a week. It really hurt. Then he went away with me to my parents for my mom's surprise party. He said he really wanted to go with me and meet the rest of my family. Things for a whole week started going back to normal and were awesome, until the following w/e when he didn't even call me at all. He called me Sunday night, when he was done hanging with his friends. He used to invite me along, but now he hadn't even called at all until the w/e was over and it hurt me. I was so sick of being at his beckon call for the past 3 weeks, so I didn't return his call. Here it is 2-1/2 weeks later. He hasn't even tried to contact me again, and I hadn't called him, cause 1. I was hurt and angry and 2. I wanted to see if he'd call me again. He didn't. I don't understand what happened.

 

Last night (Tues night) I finally sent him an email. I told him that I hadn't called him to give us both time and space and that since we hadn't spoken in 2-1/2 weeks, that it was apparent that he wasn't interested in me or the relationship and working things out. I then said I was going to have to move on and the the relationship was officially over. My friends said I had to do this for closure, cause apparently he wasn't going to call me. He was just going to let it drag out I guess.

 

Now I feel like I made the biggest mistake, though I know something had to finallly be done. My heart hurts so much, I miss him so much, and I haven't stopped crying since. I really feel like I've lost my best friend. I know it's for the best the way he's treated me in the past month, but I guess I'm sad that he really doesn't care that he lost me. Can anyone give me any insight as to what went wrong?

[moimeme]

It is usually a huge mistake to say one thing when you mean another, especially when you do it 'on principle'. It was a mistake not to return his call and it was even more foolish to write that email. You thought that by being extreme you would provoke him to answer 'no, really, don't leave me'. It didn't did it? It had the opposite effect.

 

This is why you should not play these games but say what you mean, which was 'it's killing me to be without you, I'm very sad you haven't replied to me, and before we do something we regret, let's try again'.

 

People who try to get relationships to work through this sort of provocation usually end up regretting what they've done. Worse, they often create damage which cannot be repaired.

 

Now you have to figure out if you badly need to save face so much that you're willing to sacrifice a relationship for it or whether you can manage to deal with the humility you'll need to use to try to fix this. You know what you need to do. Tell him the truth about how you really felt those times and pray he forgives you for using such a foolish ploy to try to provoke him to do what you wanted.

[dontomaso]

Grace... I read your post and did't know what to write, then I read what moimeme wrote and I think she/he is exactly right. I made the same mistake with my ex and it backfired. Since that time I have learned that honest communication is the best way to go. You may be putting your heart on the line one more time with this guy, but at least you are putting your best foot forward...

[Layla]

Hi Grace

 

goodness, this is a tough one. I am, for myself, quite a difficult one, and don't think that I am always easy on my boyfriend.

 

I have once read a book about the psyche of men. I usually hate these sort of books but I remember running to the gate to catch a plane and needed some book to keep me entertained.

 

Anyway, the book talked a lot about men and their "gut feelings". How men base their staying with a woman or not on their "gut feeling". Maybe this is all bull**** but it somehow struck me to be true.

 

There are four basic needs men need to feel happy and comfortable with a woman:

 

- they need to be recognized as special. Love him for WHO he is, not for what he has achieved. Which means ask him about real things. Not how much he makes etc. He has to feel that you are with him because of HIM, not because he is a bloke who makes the right amount of money, treats you the way you want him to etc. He should never have the feeling that he could be replaced by a guy who is equally as "providing".

 

- his need to travel light. Don't cause too many fights, let him see his buddies. Show him that life with you is fun. He shouldn't feel like you control him or are constantly disappointed with him or hurt by him etc etc. don't be an emotional overweight

 

- you should be loyal to him. sexually, in front of friends etc

 

- listen and support him. Don't give him answers; just listen and really try to see the world (his problems etc) through his eyes. He will appreciate so much and open up to you

 

- be intimate emotionally. Make him say those emotional words. What isn't said can't grow inside. In order for him to say he loves you for example, he must feel completely safe and feel that you are his buddy. That is hard work! But it is essential that he does say the WORDS after a certain time. And you have a right to claim them. It's bloody hard for certain guys. Fortunately my boyfriend expresses his feelings towards me VERBALLY and quite often which was new for me as well but is the most beautiful thing on earth. To have one of those "tough" guys say that you are the most important person in their life feels good and is necessary for them to realise how much you mean to them .

 

If you read my posts you will find out that I am not perfect at these things at all, but I am aware of what makes my boyfriend happy.

 

I can really foresee that I will get my flowers, the "I love yous" and the cuddles when I behave in a certain (positive) way, and how he pulls back when I don't and am being an emotional "overweight". Talking bad about yourself is, by the way, a massive turn down as well!

 

Maybe something went wrong with your boyfriend's "gut feeling" in those last 2 months?!