Parents divorced - drama at the wedding?

[Vegas777]

I am hurt because my parents of 30+ years have been seperated and are headed down a path of a very nasty divorce, due to infidelity on my father's part.

 

This has torn my mother apart, who already had emotional problems stemming from child abuse. My mom absolutely flips out at any mention of my father.

 

I was very close with my father. He is stubborn and believe what he did was the right thing because he was "unhappy." Of course, it wasn't the right thing as he should have broke it off first...but thats another topic.

 

Anyways, I am worried about when I get married, how these two will interact at my wedding. My mom hasn't seen or talked to my dad in a year and the wedding will most likely be the first. I don't want the focus to be on them, as it should be about my wife and I. But I know all eyes will be on them and if my mom will have an outburst (not worried about my dad). Plus, my dad would want to bring the woman who he left my mom for (who I have refused to meet to this day).

 

It would hurt me to not have both there, or only one. But I don't have any confidence whatsoever in my mother being civil during the ceremony/reception.

 

Thoughts?

[TaraMaiden]

Are you actually planning a wedding now? Or is this hypothetical?

 

The time to sort this issue would be when you have a date in mind.

You need to be completely honest with both of them, and tell them that as this is your wedding, your day, your celebration, you expect them to both be there, and both be present for you.

You are expecting that they will be able to be adult about things, lay aside their differences and enjoy your wedding, for your sake.

 

Then the choice is theirs.

My cousin's wedding had the danger of being ruined by her father, who was a very difficult man. Her parents were already divorced but her father had very deep issues.

She arranged to meet her parents together - but did not tell them. Her father arrived first - as arranged. her Mother arrived a few moments later.

They met in a public place, a restaurant, and my cousin had sat herself next to her father. In this way, he could not leave.

He wanted to, but she and her fiancé, who was also there, made sure he stayed and discussed the situation.

The wedding was a year or so ahead, but they felt the situation should be addressed as quickly and early as possible.

They also allocated particular tasks to both parents so that they had to be involved and could not absent themselves from their responsibilities.

 

I wish you well.

Weddings are the most difficult dynamic to achieve smoothly.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I think your mom will keep her emotions at check because it's public place, alot of people will be there and she will do it because she knows how important it is for you.

 

Has she moved on from your father? Is she dating someone else, mentally is she okay?

[Athena]

I am hurt because my parents of 30+ years have been seperated and are headed down a path of a very nasty divorce, due to infidelity on my father's part.

 

This has torn my mother apart, who already had emotional problems stemming from child abuse. My mom absolutely flips out at any mention of my father.

 

I was very close with my father. He is stubborn and believe what he did was the right thing because he was "unhappy." Of course, it wasn't the right thing as he should have broke it off first...but thats another topic.

 

Anyways, I am worried about when I get married, how these two will interact at my wedding. My mom hasn't seen or talked to my dad in a year and the wedding will most likely be the first. I don't want the focus to be on them, as it should be about my wife and I. But I know all eyes will be on them and if my mom will have an outburst (not worried about my dad). Plus, my dad would want to bring the woman who he left my mom for (who I have refused to meet to this day).

 

It would hurt me to not have both there, or only one. But I don't have any confidence whatsoever in my mother being civil during the ceremony/reception.

 

Thoughts?

 

You need to let your father know that he must be civil with your mother and keep out of her way after saying hello.

That he should NOT bring his woman with, since YOU do not know her, love her, want her, and that would be the ultimate slap to your mother's face -- to have the woman that split her family apart, at her own son's wedding!!! No, that will not do. If the OW turns up, have male family members remove her. If your father wants to leave with her, so be it -- his choice. You told him not to bring her! Don't let OW come, your mother deserves First Consideration over someone who means nothing to you!

 

Having taken care of that business, I am positive your mother will be fine!!! Really, your mom is looking forward to having you get married. Weddings are joyous occasions and as long as your dad says hello politely and then stays out of her sight, your mother will not be provoked into any negative emotional display.

 

Many times I am pleasantly surprised at how warring family members manage to behave themselves at weddings, for the sake of the bride and groom.

I really don't think your mom will be a problem. Just let her know right from now, that your dad will be attending.

[TaraMaiden]

I feel however, you are being very judgemental with regard to your father's girlfriend/wife.

Look, divorce happens.

Separations happen.

Affairs happen.

Not that truly I would wish this upon anyone, but your relationship some time down the line may hit problems.

of course, I hope and pray not.... But it does happen.

There is not one person in America (or England for this matter!) who has not directly or indirectly been affected by divorce, at some point.

 

Please consider your father's feelings.

if you want him to 'behave' at your wedding and to not bring her (I agree with this, by the way) well, that is one thing.

But to simply ostracise her and refuse to meet her simply because she and your father fell in love, is both judgemental and unkind.

If heaven forbid you fell into the same wave in years to come, would you not want your children to stay connected with you?

 

Please understand, adults all make choices, \nd some we like, some we don't like. But paternally, he should always be answerable to you.

Emotionally, he has a right to his life.

The ways in which divorce comes about are varied and not pretty. But this is between your parents.

They are no less your parents for that.

 

Forgive me if you believe I have spoken out of turn.

 

 

_/l\_

[Athena]

I feel however, you are being very judgemental with regard to your father's girlfriend/wife.

Look, divorce happens.

Separations happen.

Affairs happen.

Not that truly I would wish this upon anyone, but your relationship some time down the line may hit problems.

of course, I hope and pray not.... But it does happen.

There is not one person in America (or England for this matter!) who has not directly or indirectly been affected by divorce, at some point.

 

Please consider your father's feelings.

if you want him to 'behave' at your wedding and to not bring her (I agree with this, by the way) well, that is one thing.

But to simply ostracise her and refuse to meet her simply because she and your father fell in love, is both judgemental and unkind.

If heaven forbid you fell into the same wave in years to come, would you not want your children to stay connected with you?

 

Please understand, adults all make choices, \nd some we like, some we don't like. But paternally, he should always be answerable to you.

Emotionally, he has a right to his life.

The ways in which divorce comes about are varied and not pretty. But this is between your parents.

They are no less your parents for that.

 

Forgive me if you believe I have spoken out of turn.

 

 

_/l\_

 

Tara, from this quote below, I get the feeling that his parent's separation is leading to a nasty divorce, so it must be fairly 'fresh' now.

I am hurt because my parents of 30+ years have been seperated and are headed down a path of a very nasty divorce, due to infidelity on my father's part.

 

 

Vegas, when you are ready for advice on how to deal with your father's infidelity and his new woman, let us know! You will get some guidance and advice on that topic too. I know you are probably only dealing with one major issue at a time, and for right now, apart from the arrangements for your wedding, are your considerations of your parent's hostility and possible blow-ups.

 

Tara has good advice, and I see she apologized for talking out of turn, but when you are ready for advice directly dealing with that issue, ask on LS.

[Windy27]

I am hurt because my parents of 30+ years have been seperated and are headed down a path of a very nasty divorce, due to infidelity on my father's part.

 

This has torn my mother apart, who already had emotional problems stemming from child abuse. My mom absolutely flips out at any mention of my father.

 

I was very close with my father. He is stubborn and believe what he did was the right thing because he was "unhappy." Of course, it wasn't the right thing as he should have broke it off first...but thats another topic.

 

Anyways, I am worried about when I get married, how these two will interact at my wedding. My mom hasn't seen or talked to my dad in a year and the wedding will most likely be the first. I don't want the focus to be on them, as it should be about my wife and I. But I know all eyes will be on them and if my mom will have an outburst (not worried about my dad). Plus, my dad would want to bring the woman who he left my mom for (who I have refused to meet to this day).

 

It would hurt me to not have both there, or only one. But I don't have any confidence whatsoever in my mother being civil during the ceremony/reception.

 

Thoughts?

 

Wait, you're allowing your dad's mistress who broke up your parents' marriage and the cause of countless days of unhappiness and heartaches to your mom as a guess to your OWN wedding?

 

Have some balls and said "hell no!" to anyone who have even thinks about having her in your own wedding.

[Athena]

Your Dad cannot force you to invite anyone to YOUR wedding! If you deny him to bring his OW, then so be it... after all, why don't THEY have their own wedding, and see if they like it if you demand to bring whomever you please!

 

You don't know her, and more than that, you would never disrespect your mother and hurt her, by allowing your father to have her there at a function your mother cannot miss! The OW doesn't even know you, so she can stay home for this... seems a little raw? How long has it been since the affair?

[TaraMaiden]

Well let's talk about jumping the gun...!

 

First of all, the poster has not hinted about when he is actually getting married - so the point may or may not be hypothetical.

Then suddenly, you are both making assumptions about the state of play when we have no idea whether the topic has arisen within his family yet!

 

Athena, I'm sorry, but you know, you had some nerve telling him in essence to disregard my post about his relationship with his own father - and now (with no OP feedback) suddenly, you are creating a whole different angle to the scenario!

Why not let the OP return and add comment before all jumping to conclusions?

 

_/l\_

[Athena]

Well let's talk about jumping the gun...!

 

First of all, the poster has not hinted about when he is actually getting married - so the point may or may not be hypothetical.

Then suddenly, you are both making assumptions about the state of play when we have no idea whether the topic has arisen within his family yet!

 

Athena, I'm sorry, but you know, you had some nerve telling him in essence to disregard my post about his relationship with his own father - and now (with no OP feedback) suddenly, you are creating a whole different angle to the scenario!

Why not let the OP return and add comment before all jumping to conclusions?

 

_/l\_

 

Eh, you are right...

 

OP, where are you?

[Athena]

 

Athena, (...) and now (...)suddenly, you are creating a whole different angle to the scenario!

 

_/l\_

 

Well, I was actually reacting/adding to the poster above me (Windy), regarding inviting the father but not the father's woman...

[Chrome Barracuda]

If I was the OP I would beforehand ask my father top please respect me and my mother and not bring the OW to my marriage. if you find it inconvient to bring a date when your still married to my mother by all means stay home. But if you wish to participate you are more than welcome to if the OW is not here.

 

It would be too fresh in my eyes to see your father when he is openly in the face smacking your mother emotionally abusing her by engaging in the affair.

 

And dont give me that crap like he fell in love? WTF where was his mind and honor and loyalty when he made a vow to his wife? I would look at him like a hypocrite. Actually sinning while being in church, like most people do.

 

It's a hard situation no doubt about it, but if you dont want this OW he's seeing to be there then he should respect your wishes reguardless. It's your wedding right?

[2sure]

They have both created this situation with their own behaviors.

 

Your Mom with her continued emotional outbursts...not being able to mention your fathers name without her freaking out...is HER problem. Her forcing that on you - making it your problem, is just wrong. Ask her how she plans on handling events like weddings. This is HER issue, it is HER responsibility.

 

Your Dad and his new wife took all of this on as part and parcel of having an affair prior to your parents divorcing. This is a result of their actions. How do they plan on dealing with it??

 

Ask each of them what their specific plan to cope with these events is - how they will ensure that THEIR issues will play NO PART in your life's turning points.

 

If they dont have a specific plan (and come up with it themselves) ..sadly, they will not be able to join you.

[Ronni_W]

But I don't have any confidence whatsoever in my mother being civil during the ceremony/reception.

Instead of guessing and assuming how your mom may act on your big day, I'd suggest to just have a loving, gentle talk with her about your concerns and your expectations of her, especially for your wedding day.

 

Since you do not have a relationship with your dad's new partner, there is a case to be made for not inviting her at all.

However, that does ask your dad to deny a big part of his current life and not share what will also be a special day for him with the person who is his current companion/love interest.

 

So. Perhaps another loving and gentle talk with him, to find out where he stands and how possible it is for him to attend without his new partner?

 

The three of them are all grown-ups and, one hopes, will be able to stop focusing on their own emotions long enough for you to have the happy wedding day that you deserve.

In any case, it is within your right and self-obligation to tell both your mom and dad, clearly and kindly, that you deserve and expect them to act graciously and selflessly, if only for the one day.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I got married 20 YEARS after my parents divorced, each of my parents having remarried (my dad married his affair partner, my mother met someone after the divorce), and they STILL acted liked asses at my wedding. Step-mother pouting, mother drunk and slinging barbs at her and my father.

 

20 YEARS!!!

 

Elope.

[subdued]

Be civil. Move on. Marriages break. People fall in love. There is no reason to punish the OW by not inviting her, not unless the other woman knew your dad was married and chased him anyway. But chances are the marriage between your dad and mom was already over (spiritually), your dad approached the OW, and your dad told the OW that it was over between him and your mom.

 

I would invite everyone, let everyone know that everyone is invited and that they will have to be civil if they want to see you get married.

[TaraMaiden]

...Yet another thread where the OP posts a conundrum, they receive many replies, discussions ensue - but of the OP - there is no further sign.

It would be more constructive if we heard something in reply!

 

_/l\_