Wife is having doubts about our marriage....

[exasperated]

So, as I have mentioned a few times in earlier posts, my wife had agreed to go to marriage counseling, then by the second session, said she was not ready to work on our marriage and wanted some time apart. Since then, she has agreed to go, then recanted, several times.

 

There is a counselor that her parents have worked with and had great success, we met with him once with the whole family and both liked him. She agreed to do 2 day (2 8 hour days) session as a couple with him. Which is good news, and fairly encouraging.

 

The only problem is it's almost a month away. WTF am I going to do until then?

 

I feel like everything has been happening so fast that I've just been trying to process it and have had all these conflicting emotions, but as we start this time apart and as things settle a tiny bit I feel all this anger rising to the surface. Anger at her for waiting until she was fairly ready to walk away to bring up these problems she's having with me & us, anger at her for this other man (whatever the extent of their relationship was, it was totally inappropriate and a total betrayal of my trust), anger at being lied to about the other man, anger at being treated like total sh*t for the past month, anger at the fact that I just spent a year totally supporting her financially, paid all the money that got us into this new apartment, made sure she had every need taken care of during that time, and now that my work has slowed, she has the audacity to suggest that I should be the one to stay with friends during this time, because she is bringing in the money that pays the rent right now!

 

I am more angry now than I have ever been in my life. What do I do with all this anger? I mean, I knew I was mad before, and expressed that to her, but now I am seeing so much more anger than I realized I had.

[stillafool]

Good that you are at the "anger" stage. That will keep her from walking all over you. First when decieved we feel hurt, then desperate to hold on to them, but when "anger" seeps in the fog in our head starts to clear and you see things more clearly. Yes her behavior has been totally selfish and you must let her know you won't take it anymore. Just make sure your anger does not become physical.

[Windy27]

That's kind of my thoughts as well. It is kind of hard for me to believe that she has broken things off with this guy when she is not able to show me any evidence, also, I asked her to break things off before I told her I had emailed him, she was kind of waffling around, then I was like "well, you should know that I emailed him" I told her what the email said, & then that was when she told me she had told him she needed to break contact. (Also, she is claiming that she did this before meeting with her dad.)Just sounds fishy that she would waffle around first and then say that. She still is insisting that nothing has happened.

 

I do want to prevent this trial separation from happening, but I feel like I am running out of ways to prevent it. She's been asking for every few days for a couple of weeks, but I just keep kind of avoiding committing to it, and she hasn't made any effort to make it happen. She could easily stay with friends, etc. but she is not doing that. Nor has she said "I want you to move out". I guess she could be bluffing and I could call her bluff, but it seems like there must be another and better way to keep it from happening. What should I do?

 

It seems to me that something physical already happened on the first night they met. Maybe a one night stand. Either that, or they met again and got physical.

 

I don't believe for a second that he is leaving her alone (or her leaving him alone) and that they are not in contact in some way.

 

The seperation she wanted is "space" to persue him. You're the back up plan if things don't work out between them.

[exasperated]

Update:

So it's been about a week that we have been taking some time apart. I've been staying with a friend. We have seen each other a few times, a couple hours on Monday, all evening yesterday, and then a few minutes this morning.

 

When we started this time apart she very much felt that she wanted "out" and did not really have any interest in working on saving things, she is now saying she is in the middle, she's not saying "I will do anything to save this" but she's also not saying "I definitely want out".

 

This is good news I think. The fact that she is even becoming open to the idea of working on things is more progress than I felt possible a week ago. Contact between her and the other man seems to have been ended. She did say he called her on Sunday but she did not answer and he left no message (phone records confirm that he did call & it looks like it went unanswered). There appears to have been no other contact between them, via phone, email, text, in person, etc.

 

It seems like having some time and space from each other has been good for both of us, and we are now in a place that while far from where I would like things to be, is much better than I could have imagined being a week ago. And we have this 2 day marriage counseling session in a few weeks. It seems pretty likely that we will stay separated until then, but we both do still want to talk, spend time together, etc frequently between now & then.

[2sunny]

i highly doubt she isn't seeing him right now. she's probably just covering her tracks better. have you followed her or checked up on her. if she says she's supposed to be somewhere - is she - and is she who's she supposed to be with?

 

how is she spending her time away from you?

 

track her money. track her email. see if she's home at night alone.

 

my gut says she's able to cover it up better since you're away... this gives her ample opportunity to do what she wants - when she wants.

 

if she's not standing in front of you showing you with her actions that she's desperately sorry for having an A; a well as willing to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to fix it NOW - then she's definitely still with him. it's a matter of how much she's keeping it from you - to her, this is the part that makes the affair exciting.

 

you need to open your eyes and find out what the real deal is... she is never going to tell you the truth.

[exasperated]

Well,

I am staying at a friends place up the street, so I am around the neighborhood and able to see. I am monitoring the email, have a keylogger, monitoring phone records, etc. Also, I am using the apartment during the day every day, since that's where my office is. All of her friends and my friends know about the other guy, and she knows this. They have all told her to end contact with him, she has insisted she has.

 

Also, as far I have have been able to tell, nothing physical ever happened between them. He lives out of town, they met when he was in town for something, and they were trying to coordinate a date for the next time he came into town, but I found out in the middle of it.

 

While I am definitely being very attentive in regards to this other man, I also realize that is a symptom, and not the main problem in the marriage. To spend too much time and energy focused on that takes focus away from the real problems, which led to the contact with the other man in the first place.

 

Not to say I am absolutely taking her at her word. But just that, if she is hell bent on making something happen with this guy, I am not going to be able to stop it, and even if I do, that's not what is going to save the marriage, fixing what's wrong with it is.

[seibert253]

Right now she doesn't sound like she wants to fix your marriage. If she did, she would show remorse, beg for your forgiveness, and agree to do whatever to repair this. I don't see this.

 

She's still it the fog phase. If your not familar with the 180, read up on it and start it RIGHT NOW.

 

Dude, if she has any contact whatsover with OM, then your done. Hopefully you've made this crystal clear to her. Any contact, and you're filing for divorce immediately. Now whether you actually go through with the divorce is a decision for another day, but she needs to know you're not tolorating this anymore, and you mean business.

 

She needs to see a strong confident husband, who knows what he wants and is willing to fight for it, but will not be a dormat and will not tolorate dishonesty is any form.

 

She's told you and everyone else she's ended contact, hopefully that's true. But, DO NOT take her at her word. Cheaters lie and liers cheat. In God we trust, all others we investigate.

 

Continue your detective work and no matter what the outcome, you will heal, and you will be a better person and husband. Maybe not for your current wife, but someone who will treat you with the honor, respect, and love you deserve.

 

Stay strong my man, this is no longer about her, this is about YOU.

Edited May 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[2sunny]

here's a good benchmark as to her intentions - and her willingness to work n making the marriage healthy.

 

knowing that YOU are making an effort for the marriage - just start noticing if she's making MORE effort than you are.

 

if she's not - then something is wrong since SHE should be the one trying to repair her wrong instead of you making enough effort for both of you.

[exasperated]

Update:

 

Not a ton new to report here. Wife was out of town for a family event most of last week. Got back on Sunday, we talked for a while on Sunday evening and spent the day together with friends yesterday.

 

She still keeps waffling back and forth between wanting out and being open to the possibility of wanting to make things work. She never will really commit to say 'I want to make it work" but she also is not saying "I am 100% sure I want out."

 

So now basically it's just buying time until we go to this 2 day marriage counseling session, which is just under 2 weeks away. I feel pretty certain we will know by the end of that. But the all this changing her mind etc. is driving me crazy, I feel very jerked around, but I think it's important not to make any decisions before going to this counseling. So in a way, I'd rather her be waffling around and then be able to go into the session with a somewhat open mind, than her go in with her mind made up and just wanting to force her agenda.

 

It's just the waiting is exhausting, a lot of times I don't know how I am going to make it these 2 more weeks with this uncertainty and tension.

[ebedmelech]

Dear Exasperated, I really hate the b.s. our flighty flaky spouses put us through. I am cheering for you. Let's hold hands and fight the good fight together and give our spouses the finger!!! LOL !!!

[seibert253]

Ex, has she ended contact with the OM, and maintained this? That's half the battle. Continue the battle one day at a time. Give her time, but not all the time in the world. You do not deserve her fence sitting for an extended period. It's not fair to you. There will come a time when you need to put your foot down and tell her enough is enough. Make a decision, stay and work on fixing our marriage, or go our seperate ways and let me heal. You'll know when you've had enough and the time is right.

[exasperated]

OK, So here's the what's been going on the past few days/week:

 

We're still separated, and still planning to go to this 2 day counseling session (2 8hr days) early next week. Contact with the other man is still non-existent as best I can tell, and according to her. We spent the day together on Saturday and saw each other for a little while on Sunday. We had been planning to spend this Saturday together for a couple of weeks. For a day or two beforehand I kept getting texts and emails from her saying how she was really looking forward to spending the day together Saturday.

 

Then on Saturday we had a nice time, it was really enjoyable, not any arguing, etc. at the end of the night we talked about "us" and that kind of stuff for a bit, but we both felt like it was really productive conversation and were glad we had it. Then that night she sent texts saying how much fun she had, etc. The next day we met up for a bit and afterwards she called and texted a bunch of times, just chit-chatty stuff and saying how she'd had a nice weekend with me. All this communication initiated by her is totally unexpected and kind of strange. Then today, she sent me several texts this morning before work, and called me twice while she was at work, just about little piddly stuff.

 

I'm thinking all of this is weird but maybe kind of good.

 

Then tonight I called her to firm up some plans we had made for tomorrow and she was really cold and stand off-ish. Totally the opposite of how she has been. I asked her if she was ok, she said "Why are you calling? I just feel like we've been spending a lot of time together."

 

WTF? You're the one who has been calling and texting me left and right and when I don't respond will leave a message all like "Why are you not responding?" And now you are telling me that you feel like we've been "spending a lot of time together" in a negative way. Then why have you been contacting me so much?

 

WTF is going on with this?

[Jonesey]

It's called you let your defenses down and gave her ego a re-charge. She is now "OK" again and knows where you stand is regards to the R. I would go L/C or N/C immediately because this woman is playing head games. Let a few days go by and when you do finally take her call, ask her :"Why are you calling" and end the conversation. Be very nice but very direct. This will throw her through a loop.....

 

"It's all a game and the sooner you realize that it is hopeless, the sooner you'll be able to function like a soldier"

 

^

Anyone know what movie (or series) this quote is from?

 

Jonesey

[seibert253]

It's called you let your defenses down and gave her ego a re-charge.

 

Agree. Go NC or LC. DO NOT CALL HER. Make her call you. As a matter of fact, do not answer directly when she calls. Let her leave a VM, then call her back at your convience. She needs to miss you and be intrigued about what your doing.

Edited May 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Thornton]

Just out of curiosity: Is the OM also a medical professional? I know a woman who loved her partner when they were both students and neither of them was well off, but when they finished studying and she got a better job than him she started to look down on him, and she saw him as less of a man because she was the main breadwinner. Eventually she dumped him and went off with someone who she saw as better suited to her new professional status, i.e. another professional who earned as much money as she did. It sounds a lot like your situation...

 

Plus I have to agree with other posters who said that your wife is likely looking at her earning potential and yours, and worrying that she'll end up having to support you and possibly pay alimony if/when the marriage ends. Women want a man who can support them so they can stay home for a few years and have kids... kids may not have been on the radar when you got married in your early 20s and she was still studying, but now she's pushing 30 and finished her qualifications she's thinking about moving to the next stage of her life, and she sees you as an inadequate potential father and provider.

 

I think a big part of the problem here lies in your wife's lack of respect for you, both due to your earning potential and also your doormat behaviour. You need to stand up to her, stop being so wishy-washy and give her an ultimatum to choose between the OM and you. And you really need to start making some progress career-wise if you want the respect of a woman who is obviously so well qualified and ambitious. She is probably sitting around thinking "I'm a doctor, I can do better than this loser..." and if you want to keep her you need to demonstrate somehow what a good catch you actually are.

[exasperated]

So, I think you guys are right about her loss of respect for me due to the doormat behavior and the fact that I need to maintain no contact/low contact, and not initiate any of it myself.

 

The other man is not a medical professional, he's a high school teacher.

 

And, while she is in the health industry, she's not a doctor, or anything near that income level, she's in nutrition/dietetics. So it's very much a middle class income type job. My industry is actually much better paying, and I usually do earn a good bit more than her. It's just that I am a freelancer, and in this recession, all freelancers in the creative industry that I talk to have been hit very hard, so my work has slowed down as a result. My guess is that any issues she has regarding my work situation have more to do with stability/security than her feeling like she needs a man more suited to her level of earning power/social status.

[Thornton]

The point still stands about her possibly reaching that point in her life where she's done with school and ready to do stuff like buying a house, having kids etc, and if you're not earning she may be re-assessing your suitability as a father and provider. Even if she's not a doctor, even if she's broke, she likely still wants her man to be the breadwinner... she's genetically programmed to look for a man who can support and protect her and her future children. Your doormat behaviour is only decreasing her respect for you further, you really need to stand up to her and make her face the prospect of losing you. At present, she knows she can carry on messing you about and cheating, and you'll still be there when she wants you. You need to make her see that you will not stand for her behaviour, and there's a very real risk that she might lose you... it's easy to cheat when you have nothing to lose, and she's much more likely to stop if she stands to lose everything.

[exasperated]

I follow you. That totally makes sense and is a good point.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I would divorce her anyways' because when you got married it became us, a team. not I , not support me when I need money and your supposed to be the breadwinner, the dichotomy of the american family is changing, she cannot be the career woman and expect her man to be the same. most of the time it's not.

 

But she shouldnt look down on your for it either. Just because you dont make as much as she does, does not make you weak!

 

She should look at you like her equal. just cause you make more money does not make you better than your spouse. I mean why put up with the bullcrap. She fantasized the marriage. that's her problem. It's not supposed to be the way she imagined it, it was unrealistic anyway's. financially we're going through a recession, it's hard to keep a job. that's reality!

 

If she cant deal with that, maybe you could just divorce her and let her find someone who has the financial means. she sounds so shallow like that.

 

I understand you might not have the degrees for higher earning employment but your working, your contributing, so what the f is the problem?

 

I wonder does the man ever have a problem with the woman staying at home stuffing her face all day while he busts his hump to maintain their current lifestyle? lol.

 

I mean some woman you can never satisfy. I wouldnt put up with the crap. I'd say kick her out and find someone else.

 

You need a woman that's really gonna go to the dirt with you.

[TrustInYourself]

I would divorce her anyways' because when you got married it became us, a team.

 

This is the mindset you need. Why? Because your woman thinks you are putty in her hands, which you are. You want respect. Blow her off and see other women. Then watch her chase you like the goon she is.

Edited May 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator