I want a first meeting . Insecurity and jealousy are rising

[LoveNoob]

Hello, first time poster here.

 

10 months ago i met a girl online and since then we have fallen completely in love with eachother. We really enjoyed the affection, love and attention we give eachother and recieve. But there are some bad points aswell.

 

I live in the Netherlands and she in England. I just finished my university course and am looking for a job while she is going to move to Paris for a year later this month because of her university course. Now Paris is alot easier to reach then Birmingham so this should actually help us get closer. I could come visit her every weekend.

 

The problem is that in 10 months of knowing eachother we still havent met IRL yet. We both want it really badly but a VERY nasty previous experience gave her an intense phobia of meeting people from the internet. Even seriously thinking about it scares her and an actual meeting will give her a panic attack.

 

She is recieving counsilling and there are a couple of therapy methodes they are willing to try out but its not certain they will work.

 

As a plan B there is the possibility that medication can help supress her emotions (and thus fear) long enough for her to meet me and start feeling safe with me. So far the only times she has been able to send me pictures of herself (talking about decent ones btw) was after she got tipsy / drunk and didnt feel any fear.

 

I think i have been very patient with waiting for her and giving her time and comfort. But i feel as time goes on i need to talk to her more and more, need more of her affection and attention....i think i might be trying to compensate for the lack of physical contact. Im restraining myself and just trying to be myself but i often find myself worrying or being jealous of attention other people are getting....jealous of the people that are able to see her walk and smile, hug and cuddle her, dance with her, or just talk with her IRL.

 

She hasnt been online now for 3 days, i heard from her brother she's been going out clubbing, etc but hasnt seemed to take the time to send me a little message on MSN or my phone or anything. Thats very unlike her to do that and i feel, for the third time in a week, a bit neglected and unimportant. We had an argument earlier this week about me ignoring her for about an hour on MSN because i needed to cool off first and didnt want to hurt her. She stayed a bit miffed with me for a few days and i think her not contacting me for 3 days might be a way of her to go about and forget about me for a few days. The problem is that it kinda hurts alot. A simple text message saying "hi honey, ill be kinda busy going out this weekend, i love and miss you, talk to you soon." would take away all that badness and re-assure me. Im planning to talk to her about it when she gets back online...whenever that might be.

 

I want to meet IRL as soon as possible, i want to hold her in my arms and feel her love, and i dont care if she is totally drunk at the time or on medication. I just want it to happen. We talked about meeting if she was drunk one time but she didnt want our first meeting to be her "pissed out of her tree". I dont give a flying frack, i just want to look into her bambi eyes and tell her i love her.

[jerbear]

What I suggest is that you back off on meeting IRL till she talks to you again. Right now you are crowding her and she is feeling pressured. Give her some space.

 

As a transitioning step I would suggest meeting online via Skype, Netmeeting, etc... Have you two talked on the phone, conferencing, instead of just pictures?

[LoveNoob]

What I suggest is that you back off on meeting IRL till she talks to you again. Right now you are crowding her and she is feeling pressured. Give her some space.

 

As a transitioning step I would suggest meeting online via Skype, Netmeeting, etc... Have you two talked on the phone, conferencing, instead of just pictures?

 

She has seen me on webcam and heard me on skype. She is working on getting herself a webcam and the courage to show herself on one.

But even that will likely not take away her fear of meeting me. That nasty previous experience i mentioned also dealed with talking on skype and webcam, and she was still very badly hurt.

[Admiral]

It's not a relationship, you haven't met.

[KikiW]

It's not a relationship, you haven't met.

 

All interactions with other human beings are relationships in one form or another.

 

That being said, if I understand it correctly, you BOTH want to meet each other, but she had a horrible experience that makes her very gunshy about meeting someone she knows through the internet. That is entirely understandable and I think she has every right to be overly-cautious in this day and age.

 

It sounds like something has spooked her at the moment. Let her chill out and come back to you.

 

Can I suggest that you two discuss meeting in a group environment? Like she bring a friend and her brother, and you bring a couple of friends? Do you know anyone in common? Even if it just has to be you meeting up with her and a few friends, it may help her feel safe.

 

It sounds like her prior experience was quite horrible. I am very sorry to hear it, and I am incredibly surprised she had forms a friendship with you in the wake of it.

 

Bottom line is she should be entirely on board with this, and you should do everything you can to make her feel safe and secure, even if it means she brings her own "bodyguards" to the meeting.

[LoveNoob]

All of the above suggestions have been discussed before she once tried to meet a person from the internet (as friends) with her friends protecting her but she had a massive panic attack.

 

We have agreed to wait till she is ready, hopefully sometime this summer. She has regular counsilling sessions but with her moving to paris in 2 weeks she is thinking about finding a doctor in france that can take over and help her get ready to meet me, one way or another.

 

We talked about alcohol or medication to supress the fear but she isnt liking that idea at all, which is totally understandable ofcourse but still i would like it if we kept that as a back up plan atleast. Atm im not really certain how she thinks about it as a last resort measure.

[bean1]

I'm going to have to throw something in here. I don't think that she is being honest with you - and you are being naive about this.

 

First, if she had a horrible experience and needs counselling for it, why would she still be talking to people online for? Engaging in a relationship where she would eventually meet someone IRL? Needs meds to meet the man she is supposedly in love with. Yah. OK.

 

It's been 10 months and she has only sent photos of herself while tipsy/drunk out of "fear"? You are both "in love " but she can`t even show her face to you. You dont even know if those pictures are the real her.

 

If it doesn`t make sense, it isn`t true.

 

How old are you - do you have any relationship experience.

[KikiW]

The more I have been thinking about it, the more strange this does seem.

 

She has panic attacks about meeting someone she knows only through the internet, yet apparently cultivates relationships (multiple) with people she knows only through the internet.

 

She claims to be all into you and wants to meet you, but her panic attacks are preventing her, even with having company along with her.

 

Does she have panic attacks if she meets someone in the grocery store she doesn't know already? Does she have panic attacks when a woman makes small talk in the ladies room while washing their hands? Does she have a panic attack if a police officer pulls her over for speeding?

 

If she really does have these problems, there is a very easy solution. Stop getting to know people online?

[Rollercoasterr]

I had a friend once that met a person online like this. Strangely, just like this. Turns out this person was a 13 year old girl posing to be a 18 year old, and any and all pictures were of her older sister. She claimed she was just too afraid to come see him because she loved him so much, blah blah blah, but it turns out she was just afraid he'd find out she was 13.

 

Also, the cheapest webcam you can buy is $10. How can she just be "working" on getting a webcam? This really baffles me every time someone says something like this. I can scrounge up $10 in my car and couch cushions, so I really don't see how it can be oh so difficult for her. And if you come back and say that she's afraid to show herself on webcam then that only furthers my suspicions that she's not who she says she is.

 

No one that's had a bad experience with online dating like she claims to have had will continue going after them. Unless she's severly unhinged, that is.

[flash582]

Tread with caution ...... something doesn't smell right with this.

[LoveNoob]

Its not the money for the webcam, its the act of showing herself on webcam to me thats scary and she is working up the courage to do so.

 

Someone previously asked if she panics in other situations; she will also have a minor panic moment if a friend of hers comes by and brings a stranger along with him/her. She will be quiet and staying at a distance from the stranger for a few minutes till her fear passes.

 

As scared as she was making and sending me pictures of herself she has managed to take pictures specifically for me and sending them with great effort. And taking pictures in poses i suggested to proof she is who she claims to be. (I had people trying to trick me before, including guys..eew.. )

 

The main reason why she is so scared is because a 17 year old guy she once met online, and has seen on webcam and in pictures, wanted to meet her and she did, at a public place. Only to find a 40+ old male (the father) coming to meet her insted, following her home and attempt to rape her. He managed to get her top and bra off but she kicked him in the balls and ran inside her house and to safety. But the damage to her mind was already done.

 

---

 

EDIT: another matter, earlier tonight she said one of the 5 classmates thats also going to Paris and living in the same building is in love with her and asked her out. She turned him down and said that she belongs to me. But she also said that she really likes him and would have gone out with him if she didnt have me. So...i shouldnt have to worry yet part of me feels like this guy is a bit of a threat to me. Mainly because of her saying "i really like him to, i would have said yes to him if i didnt have you". Im just being silly, insecure and jealous arent i?

I think its the distance thing, it requires a massive amount of trust that someone else wont steal her away from me or make her reconsider trying to get over her fear of meeting IRL.

[Rollercoasterr]

Once again, I'm having a hard time believing that. Not to say that it can't happen. Search the news in the area she lives. I can GUARANTEE you that something of that style would have made the area, if not national news. But again, I'm not saying it can't happen, just seems to be a strange story.

 

I'm sorry, sweetie, but there's just too many little red flags that are popping up about her stories. I've had friends that have done the EXACT same thing that she seems to be. From the fantastical stores/experiences, all the way to the "fears".

 

Just please don't invest yourself too much into this. I'm afraid you're going to get hurt and betrayed.

[LoveNoob]

How old are you - do you have any relationship experience.

 

 

Im 25

She's 19

 

My only relationship experience is from when i was 17 and had a 2,5 month 'sort-of-a-relationship-but-not-official' thing. Hench my name LoveNoob.

 

Like i said, i have been burned before by online contacts, and even more in real life. Part of me stays paranoid dispite the evidence that she is who she claims to me. (Her taking a picture of herself in her bedroom in a certain poses and clothing...no not a sexual outfit or pose. Decent ones.)

[KikiW]

First thing I want to say is that if she really does have this debilitating fear, then I am truly sorry - being attacked is incredibly frightening and I do not want to diminish the severity of it. You seem like a very caring person, who is doing everything he can to make her feel comfortable, while trying to move things along at least a LITTLE (especially since she says she wants to as well).

 

That being said, she has shown you pictures of herself already apparently, so what's the big deal about a webcam? I may have missed it, but you two talk live right? Like you hear her voice?

 

I still am VERY confused as to why she cultivates online relationship when she has such a fear of them. That makes absolutely no sense to me. To be blunt, if I am dragged into a dark alley and attacked - and subsequently get panic attacks every time I saw a dark alley, I don't think I would be driving by dark alleys! I'm just having a really hard time with that one there.

 

Again, if she truly has this condition, I am very very sorry, but then she needs to stop going online for friends and keep up with the therapy until she can work on controlling her fears so they no longer debilitate her.

[LoveNoob]

In defense of my girl i have to state that she doesnt go on the internet to look for relationships or friendships and then move them to the real world. She once did that as a test to see if she could overcome her phobia (yes its classified as a phobia by her therapist) and she couldnt.

 

She does go online to chat with people but never moves them to real life. She and i happen to have met while playing the (in)famous World of Warcraft game and during our first chats she did infact state she would never be able to meet me because of a condition she had.

 

Later when we fell in love she became determined to overcome her fear, if only just to be able to meet me and have a relationship with me. She picked up therapy sessions again and according to her brother she has infact made progress, she no longer siezes up when the subject of meeting me gets brought up, but she actually says she hopes we can meet in the summer. (A few weeks ago she said she was faily certain we would have met before september/october)

 

Important question please comment: (i posted this before but noone noticed)

 

Earlier tonight she said one of the 5 classmates thats also going to Paris and living in the same building is in love with her and asked her out. She turned him down and said that she belongs to me. But she also said that she really likes him and would have gone out with him if she didnt have me. So...i shouldnt have to worry yet part of me feels like this guy is a bit of a threat to me. Mainly because of her saying "i really like him to, i would have said yes to him if i didnt have you". Im just being silly, insecure and jealous arent i?

I think its the distance thing, it requires a massive amount of trust that someone else wont steal her away from me or make her reconsider trying to get over her fear of meeting IRL. Any idea on how to deal with that little tiny fearful feeling in the gut?

[KikiW]

Ok, getting a little more background I think I can see it more clearly. And I'm a Warcraft LDR too

 

I would have that same little gut reaction you are, especially since she has such fears of the unknown and more comfortable with the known... unfortunately, there isn't much you CAN do about it. Either you trust that she is being honest and is working hard to overcome her fears in order to be with you, or not. This is that "leap of faith" area that is really hard to deal with sometimes. She may also be testing the waters with you - see how you handle potential competition. It may not even be a conscious thing.

 

I am a big believer in "everything happens for a reason" - if this is meant to be, you will work through all these issues and come out stronger on the other side. She will put in the effort to overcome her fears, and you will continue to be patient and understanding

 

Another idea - what if she traveled to meet you with bodyguards, but her bodyguards actually met you first (or you travel to HER area, whatever works). Like say you arrange to meet at a public place - a coffeehouse or park. You arrive first and let her and her friends (or her brother, it sounds like you are friendly with him as well) see you from a distance. Then she could watch as her brother introduces himself to you, you two could chat a while and get to know each other, etc. Even if she isn't ready THAT day, you could try again the next day, same thing. She has a chance to see you're an ok guy, her brother can vouch for you since HE'S talked to you in person, and perhaps she can get the courage to come and say hello. Have you talked about that kind of scenario?

[LoveNoob]

Considering my past experiences with girls (friendzoned, cheated on, false promises and then abandoned when someone else came along, etc) i think i have indeed been very patient and understanding with her. And ill continue to be that.

 

As dangerous and hard as it is i do believe her and trust her. Every day she gets about 5 guys asking her for a date, everyone hits on her wants to take my place. She is like a little bunny all the wolves wanna devour.

 

Yet dispite that she is also extremely loyal. About 3 weeks ago she went to a concert and decided to dance the entire night on her own, insted of dancing, hugging and cuddling other guys(*) like she normally wants to do. Purely because she wanted to prove to everyone that she's 100% mine.

 

She said that about a year or two ago she would have classified herself as ...slutty, not cheating on boyfriends but certainly flirting and rubbing herself against other boys and girls. But she stopped that and especially since meeting me she has changed. Thinking back on the way she used to be brings her to tears as she hates what she once was. I admire her strength and determination to bring us together.

 

Today she got scolded by her teacher for drawing little hearts with my name in it in her school books insted of drawing a building like she was supposed to. ^_^

 

(*) Oddly enough, 'chance encounters' like meeting someone by accident in a club or when she's tipsy doesnt trigger the fear. But especially the knowledge that someone is comining FOR HER triggers a fight-or-flight reaction. If only i had met her by accident while clubbing or something....

 

Still, the current situation is not easy for a naturally insecure and jealous guy like me. Fortunately she is, like me, very friendly and understanding and she helps to reassure me. She is even more jealous then me so she knows what i must be feeling.

 

As for the scenario you described, we did talk about such scenario's and its likely such a scenario will be used when she is infact finally ready. She and her therapist did suggest me arriving at the airport naked and covered in chocolate as a possible solution......just wtf are those women talking about during those sessions? *ponders*

[bean1]

Well, I admit I have never had an LDR more than one hour. I can tell you though, having worked in law enforcement for several years, that she is telling you one tall tale. Clearly, the girl has some mental health issues (and I'm not even basing that on her alleged-sexual assault) and is likely telling you things that don't exist or are not true.

 

You seem like a nice guy but with "white knight" syndrome. This girl is feeding stories here. I don't mean to be cynical about it but I suspect that you will be burned drastically. I hope you don't invest much more of your time and heart into these games.

[Rollercoasterr]

Well, I admit I have never had an LDR more than one hour. I can tell you though, having worked in law enforcement for several years, that she is telling you one tall tale. Clearly, the girl has some mental health issues (and I'm not even basing that on her alleged-sexual assault) and is likely telling you things that don't exist or are not true.

 

You seem like a nice guy but with "white knight" syndrome. This girl is feeding stories here. I don't mean to be cynical about it but I suspect that you will be burned drastically. I hope you don't invest much more of your time and heart into these games.

 

Glad someone else sees this.

[LoveNoob]

Well, I admit I have never had an LDR more than one hour. I can tell you though, having worked in law enforcement for several years, that she is telling you one tall tale. Clearly, the girl has some mental health issues (and I'm not even basing that on her alleged-sexual assault) and is likely telling you things that don't exist or are not true.

 

You seem like a nice guy but with "white knight" syndrome. This girl is feeding stories here. I don't mean to be cynical about it but I suspect that you will be burned drastically. I hope you don't invest much more of your time and heart into these games.

 

Could you explain why working several years in law enforcement makes you think she's telling tall tales? Yes she has some mental issues, near-rape and having a boyfriend die in your arms after being stabbed tends to do that.

[Trialbyfire]

I agree with bean1, that she's feeding you a story. What person would want to connect with anyone online, after an experience like that?

 

I will back her up on the webcam thing, since I won't use one, for people I know IRL or cyber people. No offense to anyone but webcams are creepy due to lighting and the things people do, while on them.

 

I'm sure you've all known people who've had recorded webcam sessions hit the net. This one silly girl who used to belong to the same club, webcammed with another member of the same club, while in an LDR with him. She stripped for him, showing her face and entire body. He then sent it to all his buddies in the same club.

[Rollercoasterr]

Could you explain why working several years in law enforcement makes you think she's telling tall tales? Yes she has some mental issues, near-rape and having a boyfriend die in your arms after being stabbed tends to do that.

 

 

Seriously? The stories just keep getting more fantastical. I'm surprised that she's got you hook, line, and sinker. But she did.

[bunnybunny]

She and her therapist did suggest me arriving at the airport naked and covered in chocolate as a possible solution......just wtf are those women talking about during those sessions? *ponders*

 

Ummm....is this for real? Seriously, wake up, run for the hills! You're being lied to!!

[bunnybunny]

She and her therapist did suggest me arriving at the airport naked and covered in chocolate as a possible solution......just wtf are those women talking about during those sessions? *ponders*

 

ummmm....is this for real? Seriously, wake up, run for the hills! You're being lied to!

[bunnybunny]

Sorry for the double post everyone. I'm just learning how to reply with quotes:o