I want a first meeting . Insecurity and jealousy are rising

[Island Girl]

I have been following this thread and have not known what to reply.

 

The more information given the more it becomes such a tale!

 

First she has a condition that makes her have panic attacks when it comes to meeting strangers.

 

How does she handle going to the grocery store and dealing with the check out? Does she only go to cashiers she knows?

Can she talk to waiters and waitresses? - see what I mean?

You say she has to be quiet and by herself if someone is brought to her house that she doesn't know.

 

Yet these "5 guys a day" ask her out? How are they meeting her or talking to her?

 

And then she has this situation with the online guy who shows up to a public place and was 40 years old. He follows her to her house and almost rapes her.

So then what happened?

There was plenty of information to track this guy. So the police were notified, right? Was he found and arrested?

 

Here's what makes me REALLY skeptical about this.

 

(And having a law enforcement officer here could help. Because I may be wrong.)

 

If he is going to follow her - with the idea of a sexual assault - an attacker wouldn't want to proceed with that assault right in front of her house on her lawn.

 

So there's that.

 

And if a man followed her and attacked her like this I am surprised she isn't sent running from any guy approaching her.

 

 

Then you say an ex-boyfriend died in her arms? And he was stabbed?!

Under what circumstances did this occur?

 

She is 19. Holy crap.

 

 

She is so young! When did both of these things happen?

Both within the last couple of years? What are the odds?

 

These things don't even happen an average of once a lifetime. But she has had both of these things happen to her.

 

Something just doesn't seem to add up.

 

OP don't you see the numbers not really adding up here?

[flash582]

OK ... do you really want to marry someone that you'll have to do everything for because she's having constant panic attacks?

 

Because, that's where relationships head. Marriage.

 

Is this who you want for a wife?

 

Dude .... there are a lot more fish in the sea. A lot of wonderful ones are on this site, for example ... just read the posts. It will renew your faith in the fairer sex, reading these posts. There are a lot of loving, highly intelligent, and beautiful women out there for you to meet. At 19 you haven't even started yet.

 

She's feeding you a line of SH-T.

[LoveNoob]

ugh...

 

Ok, two years ago she went clubbing with friends and BF and while walking out of the club a bunch of chavs groped her and forced kissed her. Her boyfriend stepped in and was stabbed, 12 minutes later he bled to death in her arms. The chavs who stabbed him ran away, im unsure whether they were caught later.

 

The attempted rape attack came about 6 months later when she finally got over her grief enough to go out and live life again. She lived some distance out of town and she was attacked near a field about half a mile from her house. There was noone in sight that could see her at that point.

The police was ofcourse notified the moment her father came home and noticed her sitting in the bathtub trying to clean herself. But the man was never found.

 

Bunnybunny, she and her therapist were OBVIOUSLY joking about that naked/chocolate thing. Im sorry you thought it was for real...

 

Yes im paranoid about the whole thing aswell, afraid of being decieved again. But i have also talked to her brother, father, and a couple of her friends online, and with some poking around here and there they all confirmed the things she said happened, in great detail.

 

As for those asking when she gets scared and why not when she goes buying groceries, i did explain that already. Accidental meetings dont trigger the fear, running into a guy in the supermarket and talking with him doesnt count as "someone coming for her", which her mind will associate with "someone is coming to rape me".

 

Aswell, if she has an appointment to go meet someone and that person knows about it the fear will be triggered aswell. "He knows im coming, he is preparing to rape me." thats the thought her unconsious mind is trying to push into her.

 

If she were to come to The Netherlands where i live and she happens to run into me at the supermarket she would be suprised, a bit scared, but perhaps not panic.

 

There for we have also discussed the possibility of her giving me a suprise visit. I wouldnt know about her coming to see me, she would be able to tell herself "He doesnt know im coming, he cant prepare to hurt me, im in control of this." The other day she was talking about a new skirt she was wearing and when i said i would love to see it she said "you will very soon.". Now that could be a slip of the tongue, or it could be her letting slip she's gonna suprise visit me when she has moved to Paris.

 

 

I understand all your scepticism and warnings, still i wish to give her the benefit of the doubt. To the question "is this who you want as your wife" id say "yes, i do".

 

EDIT: Btw im 25, not 19. She is 19

[JeezLouise]

This one is easy.

 

Talk to her father again. Tell him that you are coming to see his daughter as a surprise, as she is fine with random encounters but freaks out if something is "planned". He will, of course, give his blessing, since you are a nice guy and you have talked with him before and with her brother and with some of her friends for over a year, and since, of course, he wants his daughter to be happy with the man that she says she loves with all her heart and to be healed of her very weird and obsessive fears. Then just show up at her house one night, when her father and brother will be there for safety and propriety's sake.

 

Since she is ok with just meeting 5 strange guys a day who ask her out, what's one more? Why are you putting the onus on her to just suddenly show up for a meeting, when you can do it much more easily and you are the only one who really seems to want this meeting to occur?

 

PS. As for the guy in Paris? You need to move this "relationship" to a new level soon, because he is already in your territory - she just hasn't told you that yet. And living with him in Paris? Big red flags coming in the future.

[JeezLouise]

PS again.

 

I am having a very hard time believing this story. A young girl of 17 goes to a club where her BF is killed and dies in her arms. Then 6 months later, she is almost raped by a man who follows her to her home. And within the past year, she would describe herself as slutty and rubbing all over guys and girls while dancing at clubs, and she still goes to clubs but doesn't grind on other people now.

 

If I were a girl of 17 whose BF died in my arms, I would stop my clubbing and rubbing. If I were nearly raped by a guy I met online, I would stop my WoW activities. Her everyday life activities as you describe them do not match up with her so-called clinical diagnosis.

 

I wish you luck in your relationships, but I am afraid that you are going to get your heart broken in this one.

[Rollercoasterr]

We might as well give up on trying to make this one understand. Even when he told the whole big story...it's still just all too much. Maybe one day he'll see, but since this is his 2nd relationship in his whole life I can kind of see how he's wanting to hold on to this one so hard.

 

But again, she's got him too hooked. It's so so sad and I'm very sorry that he'll end up severely hurt in the end, but we can't do any more here.

[Lovin a scrapper]

We might as well give up on trying to make this one understand. Even when he told the whole big story...it's still just all too much. Maybe one day he'll see, but since this is his 2nd relationship in his whole life I can kind of see how he's wanting to hold on to this one so hard.

 

But again, she's got him too hooked. It's so so sad and I'm very sorry that he'll end up severely hurt in the end, but we can't do any more here.

 

 

I so agree with this. Its gonna be bad.

[bean1]

I will have to agree with rollercoasterr in that there is no point in continuing since the OP does not wish to acknowledge that this girl's story makes no sense and is an obvious web of tall tales to anyone.

 

Now, whether or not these events happened is not what makes it unbelievable. People (especially young women) with "issues" (I'll call it that) often get themselves into hanging out with bad people and stupid situations (ie. the old guy online, not uncommon actually).

 

What makes it UNBELIEVABLE is that she is 6 years younger than you, has gone through a ridiculous amount of drama for her age, is in therapy and clearly has mental health issues (which panick attacks confirm), has an alleged fear of meeting online, and yet claims to be "in love" with you but won't even talk to you via webcam.

 

If nothing else, this woman just doesn't have her head on straight.

 

Girls like this are a dime a dozen. Random boyfriends calling the police asking to check on their internet girlfriends because they've made some cry for help, wanting them to pursue charges for alleged-rapes/assaults etc... only to turn out that they are always making crap up in a bid for attention. It is really, REALLY common.

 

PS. A professional therapist would never say such a thing. A professional therapist would advise her to deal with panic, anxiety, and other such issues that stem from her allegations than how to deal with meeting yet another man online.

[Rollercoasterr]

The thing is, I have been in therapy before. Not for issues like that, but when I was younger my mom forced me to go into therapy after the divorce between my parents. My therapist would very rarely say anything at all, let alone say something like what she's telling. I asked her once why she never said anything and she said that therapy isn't about her talking, it's about me talking and getting my feelings and emotions out to discover the root of my problem. That she was just there to help guide me along the way. If she had said anything more, she told me that I might have been influenced by what she had been saying instead of making my own assumptions.

 

So if this girls therapist is really saying crap like this, then she needs to be stripped of her license.

[Bearandsue]

I really don't believe her stories. They sound too sensational. If she really has a problem as she says she does she'd be jumping out of her skin every time she met a guy on the street.

 

The whole web cam thing is just shady. She wants to meet you in person but won't show herself on a web cam? Doesn't that ring alarm bells for you?

 

You said you talked to her friends and family online, how are you sure it isn't her typing? Have you talked to them on the phone? It could very well be her.

 

You really need to get some answers and listen to everyone who posted here. We are not attacking your relationship just giving honest, objective opinions to your situation.

[KikiW]

Yes she has some mental issues, near-rape and having a boyfriend die in your arms after being stabbed tends to do that.

 

Wait, WHAT?

 

This is new.

 

Listen, obviously you will do what you want here, but I am really getting the distinct impression that as much as you care about this girl, it's not going to work. She has too many issues to work out, whether they are real or bids for attention.

 

I STILL don't know why she is playing online games if she has a fear of someone coming after her. If I was in her position, I would find activities that felt safe and familiar. WoW is familiar perhaps, but the people behid the computer screens are not.

 

And I agree, even if the therapist is a little wacky, the joke makes no sense. How is you being naked and covered in chocolate supposed to make her comfortable meeting you?

 

This is way too bizarre. I'm sorry.

[LoveNoob]

And I agree, even if the therapist is a little wacky, the joke makes no sense. How is you being naked and covered in chocolate supposed to make her comfortable meeting you?

 

This is way too bizarre. I'm sorry.

 

Actually, the girl made the joke herself to the therapist, and she laughed and said that might be a good idea. You know, a joke?

[Rollercoasterr]

Therapists do not joke like that. It's unprofessional and they are well aware of the consequences they can have on a patient if they were to laugh at the wrong thing.

 

Just think, if a patient who had depression problems one day said "Maybe I'll wear a marshmallow suit and jump off of the bridge!" and the therapist laughed and said "that might be a good idea" as a you know, joke(as you put it), what happens if the patient actually does that? Who has enabled the patient to do that? The therapist, because she was, you know, joking. And don't tell me crap like this doesn't happen, because it HAS happened, and those therapists have been stripped of their licenses just like hers should be if she actually jokes with her patient like that.

[JeezLouise]

Noob, since you are still here reading, how about a response to your just going there and surprising her, with prior discussion with her father?

[LoveNoob]

Noob, since you are still here reading, how about a response to your just going there and surprising her, with prior discussion with her father?

 

I actually discussed this with her brother, and he is going to help me setup a suprise meeting if it comes to that. In fact we agreed to give her a suprise meeting back in februari but we put those plans on hold since she was able to make a bit of progress, we keep a suprise visit in mind as a last resort. Her father however is very protective of her and would rather break my legs then risk his daughter getting a panic attack trying to meet me.

[LonelyTiger]

I've been following your thread LoveNoob but didn't feel the need to say anything as everybody else seems to have it all covered so well, but seeing your last post I just had to say something. I'm only going to say it once though 'cos I don't really believe you'll listen.

 

This girl is spinning you one story after another - I'm really sorry but I don't believe a word of what she says. She won't let you see her on webcam and every time you think you're about to arrange a meeting something happens to stop it - very convenient!

 

Even if you've actually spoken to her family on the phone - who's to say it isn't just some of her mates (or their older brothers) standing in?

 

And if her father would 'rather break your legs' than risk his daughter meeting you - ????????????

 

You're never going to get to meet this girl - move on and find another one.

[2sure]

A woman who has no problem going out clubbing and is finding other men attractive and fun...

 

Does not have "Panic Attacks" over meeting an on line friend in person.

 

She is just playing with you. Making up stories when she is bored. She either is not interested in meeting you at all or hasnt figured out how to pass off all of the lies she has told you.

[Trialbyfire]

A woman who has no problem going out clubbing and is finding other men attractive and fun...

 

Does not have "Panic Attacks" over meeting an on line friend in person.

 

She is just playing with you. Making up stories when she is bored. She either is not interested in meeting you at all or hasnt figured out how to pass off all of the lies she has told you.

An excellent point. If it's any kind of club, it will be packed on the weekends. There's no way to avoid invasion of personal space.

[Island Girl]

Actually, the girl made the joke herself to the therapist, and she laughed and said that might be a good idea. You know, a joke?

 

So this girl who is so deathly afraid of someone she meets on the internet coming to rape her jokes that it may be fine if you show up naked and dipped in chocolate.

 

?

 

Amazing.

 

Do you not see how conflicting that is?

 

I mean she has panic attacks at the drop of a hat and is so terrified she can't bring herself to be seen on a web cam by you (even though you "know" what she looks like) because of a fear of you plotting to rape her -

but she can suggest you showing up naked and that amuses her.

 

 

Are you speaking with her by phone?

 

Or is this internet chatting?

 

And what is the name of this phobia?

[hoping2heal]

I'm going to have to throw something in here. I don't think that she is being honest with you - and you are being naive about this.

 

First, if she had a horrible experience and needs counselling for it, why would she still be talking to people online for? Engaging in a relationship where she would eventually meet someone IRL? Needs meds to meet the man she is supposedly in love with. Yah. OK.

 

It's been 10 months and she has only sent photos of herself while tipsy/drunk out of "fear"? You are both "in love " but she can`t even show her face to you. You dont even know if those pictures are the real her.

 

If it doesn`t make sense, it isn`t true.

 

How old are you - do you have any relationship experience.

 

 

I was going to say the same thing, if I had a horrible experience meeting someone from any place to the point I began having panic attacks about it.. the last thing I would do is forge and emotional relationship with someone for umpteen months from that place.

 

As someone who has carried on these online relationships in the past, while being dishonest and not sincerely having the intent of having a serious physical proximity relationship ( sure I'd tell myself, I meant otherwise but all the lying I was doing proves otherwise) - I think you are being played bigtime.

 

The best thing you could do for her, is to call her on her BS and that may or may not be enough for her to have a wake up call for her actions, but I definately think you're being taken for a ride.

[northstar1]

I really hope the OP comes this his senses and realizes that something ain't right about this.

 

Nothing adds up.

I feel for him, I really do, his heart has been invested deeply.

 

I think it's pretty clear to the rest of us that he is never going to meet her, and is going to be dragged along with this until he says 'enough'.

 

This story has more red flags than china.

 

H

[hoping2heal]

In defense of my girl i have to state that she doesnt go on the internet to look for relationships or friendships and then move them to the real world. She once did that as a test to see if she could overcome her phobia (yes its classified as a phobia by her therapist) and she couldnt.

 

 

If she didn't go on the internet to do that, something would of NEVER happened with you. Trust me, if you are open to the potential of it happening - then you are the kind of person who will allow the possibilities, if you aren't - it isn't going to happen period.

 

She does go online to chat with people but never moves them to real life. She and i happen to have met while playing the (in)famous World of Warcraft game and during our first chats she did infact state she would never be able to meet me because of a condition she had.

 

I agree that she does go online but never moves them to real life. That's the point, you are getting played. I have been the person hiding things from people, looking for attention and love online but not in any position to ever give them that back; I know what it is when I see it, and this is it.

 

Later when we fell in love she became determined to overcome her fear, if only just to be able to meet me and have a relationship with me. She picked up therapy sessions again and according to her brother she has infact made progress, she no longer siezes up when the subject of meeting me gets brought up, but she actually says she hopes we can meet in the summer. (A few weeks ago she said she was faily certain we would have met before september/october)

 

 

Important question please comment: (i posted this before but noone noticed)

 

Earlier tonight she said one of the 5 classmates thats also going to Paris and living in the same building is in love with her and asked her out. She turned him down and said that she belongs to me. But she also said that she really likes him and would have gone out with him if she didnt have me. So...i shouldnt have to worry yet part of me feels like this guy is a bit of a threat to me. Mainly because of her saying "i really like him to, i would have said yes to him if i didnt have you". Im just being silly, insecure and jealous arent i?

I think its the distance thing, it requires a massive amount of trust that someone else wont steal her away from me or make her reconsider trying to get over her fear of meeting IRL. Any idea on how to deal with that little tiny fearful feeling in the gut?

 

If she didn't go on the internet to do that, something would of NEVER happened with you. Trust me, if you are open to the potential of it happening - then you are the kind of person who will allow the possibilities, if you aren't - it isn't going to happen period.

 

I agree that she does go online but never moves them to real life. That's the point, you are getting played. I have been the person hiding things from people, looking for attention and love online but not in any position to ever give them that back; I know what it is when I see it, and this is it.

 

You are being lied too, you are being lied too, and you are being lied too.

Do not put yourself through any more of this.

[reservoirdog1]

I have a nasty premonition that you're going to get badly screwed on this situation.

 

Sounds like you've only ever seen a handful of photos of her. That's a red flag right there. Call me overly cautious, but I'd never even consider being in a "relationship" with somebody I haven't met in person. That's just how I roll.

 

I really hope you haven't done what many others in your situation get talked into doing: sent her money.

[LoveNoob]

I have a nasty premonition that you're going to get badly screwed on this situation.

 

Sounds like you've only ever seen a handful of photos of her. That's a red flag right there. Call me overly cautious, but I'd never even consider being in a "relationship" with somebody I haven't met in person. That's just how I roll.

 

I really hope you haven't done what many others in your situation get talked into doing: sent her money.

 

No i havent done that.

[hoping2heal]

Are the dots connecting for you yet?