Day By Day Account Of No Contact

[Nuala83]

It’s now approaching seven weeks since my bf broke up with me and I’ve decided to keep a blog to chart my progress and to keep me strong. I’m right at the beginning of NC (today is day 4). I already keep a diary and although I could easily set up a wordpress I decided this would be better. I thought that since this forum’s helped me so much then perhaps anyone else out there who’s suffering and finding it hard to cope might come across this thread and feel a little better.

 

Just to briefly let you know my situation:

I was with my boyfriend for seven and a half years. We’d known each other for nine and were best friends before going together. The break up was quite sudden and although looking back there were ‘red flags’ they were only there for a couple of months prior to him leaving me. Our relationship was a very happy very loving one and although we had problems as every couple does, there was nothing major and we’d never split up in the past. Around about the time he started to cool off towards me, he met a new bunch of friends who were younger than him (a lot of them are around the age of twenty one and are in college whilst he’s twenty seven) including a twenty one year old girl who has fast became his new best friend. I believe he left me for her. His reasons for the break up were that he didn’t want a relationship with anyone, he missed his freedom and he just wanted to go out and have fun. He even told me he wanted us to stay friends. At first I thought this was some kind of quarter life crisis but now I think he’s got a touch of ‘grass is greener’ syndrome. Whatever the reason, my heart is broken while he on the other hand posts comments all over the internet about how happy he is and what parties he’s been at. There’s nothing quite like rubbing salt in the wounds is there. A slightly more detailed version of events can be found here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t188238

 

So anyways I’m gonna be keeping a day by day account of how I’m coping and what I’m feeling. Please don’t hesitate to give me advice if you have any or add to the thread even if all you want to do is rant. I’m hoping this might be cathartic.

[Nuala83]

I can’t believe I’ve made it to 4 days. That probably sounds like nothing but I’ve been so used to hearing from him every day that this is like breaking an addiction. At least if you’re trying to quit smoking you get some sort of fix from a nicotine patch but for me there is no fix. No substitute. The only thing I could do is call him but with my dignity and self respect hanging on by a thread I don’t think that’d be wise. How is he managing to cope so well? I hope he isn’t and all the partying is just to detract from the pain of missing me. Probably just wishful thinking but I can’t bear to think I’ve been forgotten.

 

It was beautiful and sunny outside today and he popped into my head. On days like these he’d normally call me and want to go out. Instead I was sitting outside alone. I could have gone out but everywhere I look I see smug happy couples walking around hand in hand. I never noticed them before but all of a sudden they’re everywhere. Also, when did everyone decide they wanted to get married??? Four bloody weddings this year. Not that I ever wanted to get married but there’s something about that sense of permanance. I’m glad it’s Monday tommorow. The weekends are the worst. At least work acts as some sort of distraction and filler of time even if I don’t enjoy my job. Really must search harder for a new one now I’ve got all this time on my hands.

 

I wonder if he’s contacted his ‘friend’ recently. Funny how they became so close in such a short length of time. It’s like they’re joined at the hip. Much like we used to be not so long ago. I’m gonna go watch a film just now and then I’m gonna mark another cross on the calendar. God time’s passing so slowly! I really mustn’t waste this time but I’m finding it so hard to get motivated. I hate not talking to him.

[thewingwoman]

Yep, I'm definitely going to have to keep up with this. You and I are in such similar positions, it's ridiculous. We're even on the same timeline, as I am also on Day 4.

[EmperorR]

Congrats the earlier days are always the hardest. The constant thoughts, wondering what their doing, why don't they all msg you bla bla. NC is the hardest thing I have done in my life, but it really really helps you move on.

 

And yep its funny how work becomes so soothing because you can stay busy keep your mind off stuff, anyways keep up the good work, never cave you will just feel worse:)

[Nikki Sahagin]

I'm on day 4 too

Though i'm actually finding it a bit easier this time around (we broke up before).

He broke up with me just before my exams and bday and the anger of that (I think its cruel rather than to just stick out 2 weeks) is helping me get by. We were best friends 2 years before and together for 2 years. I hope you are doing well. Keep updating, i'll be reading!

[Nuala83]

Day 5 of no contact

 

 

I felt sick when I woke up this morning. I'd just had a dream about him. Nothing too significant but dreaming doesn't help. I looked at the empty space in bed next to me and it occured to me that he probably wasn't staring at an empty space. The place where I once lay was probably filled by her. I could have stayed in bed for hours as I have done in the past just feeling sorry for myself, going through the last details of what led us to this point but what would that acheive? A prompt sacking from my job most likely. Not gonna let that happen.

 

So I got up, went to the gym then went to work. Before I went to the gym I took a long hard look at myself in the mirror and was upset by the way my clothes were hanging off me. I don't look healthy. Must try to eat.

 

He signed onto messenger last night for the first time in days. In my warped mind I imagined that he might be signing in in the hope I might be there but I know I'm fooling myself. I kept my status to appear offline. A few weeks ago I wouldn't have been able to resist sending him a message but the desperation isn't there anymore. Don't get me wrong, there's still an aching sadness which I'm trying to fill but no desperation. Then I signed out, just on the off chance that he might have sent a message and I in a moment of weakness would have replied and undone all my hard work.

 

A couple of hours ago my heart began to race and a rush of grief knocked me for six. I don't know what triggered it but it happened. Then it passed. I guess that'll happen from time to time over the next few weeks. Right now I'm gonna go out with *Julie*. She's been such a good friend to me I just don't know how I would have coped without her. A few drinks, a few laughs and another cross on the calendar.

 

Once I make it to the end of today it'll be the longest time I've ever been without speaking to him. On my last attempt I crumbled at day 5 but now I've removed temptation (deleted methods of contact such as facebook) I should be ok.

 

 

Update: Just as I posted this note he signed into messenger. I signed out immediately and now I'm heading straight out that door.

[Nikki Sahagin]

You are doing well!!!!!!! I don't know you but i'm proud of you!

[bluewolf17]

Nuala83,

 

I look forward to your posts! I am actually on day 3 of NC, after a break up 3 months ago, and weeks and weeks of "dates" that left me empty. Finally decided it's time to give up, and go NC to heal myself.

 

It feels good to know that someone I don't even know in another part of the world, knows how it feels to hate weekends, and especially hate couples. I am the same way too. Weekends are when we use to be together, but now I just fill my time with the Gym and friends.

 

I got down 26lbs due to stress from the break up. I don't mind the weigh loss, but definetly not a healthy way to do it! And work too, has been a savior to me. It gives me 8 hours of activity.

 

Keep me posted!

[EmperorR]

maybe block and delete him on your IM program?

 

I was in that spot as well but then I noticed my ex was just talking to her new man so I blocked deleted her not to get tempted

[notalone]

Yes please. Do delete him from your IM/social network sites etc. No good can come of seeing their faces and their names splashed across your screen everyday. You will hope and hope and then find out something ghastly like how fabulous his life is...how swiftly he has moved on....how fantastic is his weekend schedule etc. Not worth it. I have learned it the hard way.

[nolanola]

Nuala, it gives me such a feeling of strength to read your posts. Please keep going for all of us. It's been a long time since our breakup and I have been terrible with NC with my ex. We work together and it is really difficult to break all communication. Today he mentioned that the relationship he got into after ours is apparently over. For some reason, instead of making me feel better, this made me feel worse. Maybe because he seemed upset that the relationship had ended. I don't know. He's so back and forth that I think NC would be the best for me as all he does is send mixed messages (send me messages on Valentine's, drive past my house, yet obviously date other people) and if I just didn't talk to him at all then I wouldn't have to worry about it.

Anyway, the reason I wanted to post was to congratulate you on taking this step. Your posts are inspiring and I hope I can log on to a new one tomorrow to help me get through another day.

[Nuala83]

Day 6 of no contact

 

 

My god I've been such an angry b*** today. Standing at the station platform this morning I spotted a young couple who I guessed to be in their late teens or early twenties. They were all over each other, completely oblivious to the outside world. I was completely oblivious to everything but them. Could have proved fatal since I had a strong urge to charge in their direction pushing them on to the tracks. Note to self: Must resist urge to shove unsuspecting strangers in front of speeding trains. We headed towards the same door, then I turned and ran for the next carriage just as the doors were closing. Made it by the skin of my teeth.

 

It's not just couples though, everything seems to set me off. I can't believe how bitter and cynical I've become about the world. I see the blossom on the trees outside and I think stupid bloody springtime. I see kids playing football in the streets and I think stupid bloody brats. Insane really since they've done nothing wrong, it's my mind that's the problem. I've become a monster. Thank god I'm locked safely away in spinster appartment block B away from the unsuspecting public. I was supposed to be going out tonight but I cancelled. I'm just not sure I'm fit to be re-introduced to society. I went out last night and I'm going out tommorow so tonight is chick flick night accompanied by my two favourite men, Ben and Jerry.

 

Shortly after I came home from work, the phone rang. In fact it rang five or six times within a few minutes. A very determined telemarketer perhaps? An emergency call to notify me that one of my family members were lying in a hospital bed after some horrific accident? Or was it him? I can't tell you because I didn't pick up, nor did I check the caller ID. I ask others to answer the phone these days and they're kind enough to do so. They understand why I can't. Nobody else was in though. It was just me sitting alone on the stairs lost in thought. I did briefly wonder if it was him calling, what he thought of me. Another forum user told me about a great song by Death Cab For Cutie 'Tiny Vessel' and there's a verse in it that goes:

 

All I see are dark grey clouds

In the distance moving closer with every hour

So when you ask "Is something wrong?"

I think "You're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now"

No we can't talk about it now.

 

That's how I feel about him. There's so much wrong, so many hurt feelings, so many unanswered questions but he couldn't take away my hurt or answer my questions and I have to live with that.

 

On a lighter note, if any of you out there are having a bad day this might cheer you up. This morning when I got up and looked at myself in the mirror I noticed a huge spot slap bang in the middle of my forehead! Now not only do I walk around with a scornfull little face but it's a spotty scornfull little face. Marvelous! I hope I'm not always this angry. I'm attending a wedding in two weeks time and it'd be frightfully bad etiquette to stand up in the middle of the ceremony and shout "they'll be divorced in a year!"

 

I haven't responded to any of the comments on this thread so far but don't think I don't appreciate them. Far from it. I've been reading a lot of your stories and I'm amazed at how some people manage to cope. I'm only on day 6 but some of you have been going on for months with a steely determination that you won't be defeated. I empathise with so much and I'm grateful to have an outlet for all these pent up emotions. Far better than shoving strangers in front of trains I think you'll agree.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I had a pretty bad day today. (Sorry to jump on your post but it encourages me to write about my own coping process). Maybe because he emailed me last night...and I replied...so NC starts all over again. I was thinking today about little things he said to me, little things we did. How he said and did EVERYTHING right, EVERYTHING I wanted. Even after a little while of not talking, reading his email gave me butterflies again. GOD how can people have this power over you? How can they give us such strong intense feelings? Its just an EMAIL. Like an email from any other person, but from him it feels like a little bit of gold dust.

 

I think it hurts me so much because I thought he was the 1. Before I met him I was against marriage and kids - and with him I wanted both. So he changed some of my core values and believes. I was SO in love. I can't believe it. I wonder if i'll ever feel that for someone again? The bar is pretty high. And even though towards the end he was cruel and selfish, I remember the guy before that....who was so WONDERFUL, so SPECIAL. Why do people have to change? Its like someone pulling the carpet out from under you. Now I feel silly to ever think or plan ahead when fate or god or good old bad luck can take it all away at any minute.

 

I've gone back to daydreaming of a mystery man who will do and say all the things I want and need without me even needing to tell him. I don't want to lose my memories of my ex....but sometimes they torment me. He always said such amazing things...he always DID such amazing things....except at the end.

 

And i'm still worried about him; worried about where he ends up in life....because he's kind of going nowhere at the minute, but I wanted us to go somewhere together. Hearing from him really hurt - reminded me that he's alive and out there, but yet our lives can no longer cross anymore. I hope this is all worthwhile and he was just a runup to my REAL prince charming!

[huck]

Good Luck Nuala.

 

know what you mean about looking at other couples and feeling a kind of weird jealousy.

 

It sucks as well the fact that summer is nearly here and friends/workmates are planning to go on holiday with their partner and telling you about their plans.. oh well..

 

All the best - this is a top thread - keep it up.. Good Luck again.

 

Huck...........

[confusedcookie]

Yep, I'm definitely going to have to keep up with this. You and I are in such similar positions, it's ridiculous. We're even on the same timeline, as I am also on Day 4.

 

i'm on day 4 too... and its like selective perception, everywhere i go, i see couples holding hands... tv shows with such happy couples, stuff i didn't notice b4...

[EmperorR]

i'm on day 4 too... and its like selective perception, everywhere i go, i see couples holding hands... tv shows with such happy couples, stuff i didn't notice b4...

 

it sucks doesnt it, i remember after my cheating ex fiance left me and I went to the mall, I always felt like garbage when i saw guys in the store picking out rings or buying a bracelet.

[nolanola]

You know what I hate? Those match.com commercials with the couple talking: She says "I promise never to wear a flannel nightgown" and the guy says "How about you promise to never wear a nightgown?". And they both make google eyes at each other like idiots. I don't know why, because I'm out of the immediate breakup period, but it makes me want to barf.

[Nuala83]

Day 7 of no contact

 

 

I miss him terribly right now. I so wanted to write a possitive post about how much better I was feeling and how little I was missing him but I'd be lying to myself and the rest of you. For much of today I felt alright. But the tides changed yet again. I wish I could get a grip, but when these waves of grief wash over me I'm powerless to stop them. One's crashing into me as I sit here typing this. It just occured to me that I might never see or speak to him again. That's when I began to panic. I know it's not a big deal to start again at 26 but I've never been alone in my adult life and I naevely assumed I wouldn't be. Foolish assumption. Then another thought entered my head. Just when did he fall out of love with me? What if he fell out of love with me months or even years ago but he just kept up appearances. People do that all the time. A sort of insurance policy against loneliness. What if he met her and just thought WOW! Perhaps that's why there wasn't any option to work through it. Maybe I have been forgotten. Feeling pretty low.

 

Is this part of a new stage or am I still stuck in the last one? Have I reached acceptance or am I still wallowing in my own grief? It's not like I haven't achieved anything today. In fact I've been considering making some pretty big life changes i.e. changing my career and moving away. Don't know what career or where I would move. Could be the south of England, could be the highlands of Scotland, but a move is becoming an increasingly attractive option. There's nothing keeping me here anymore. I'm not married, I don't have any kids, I don't have a mortgage, I don't have any ties at all. I'm sure there are people out there who do have obligations who wish they could just take off and envy my situation. But right now I really wish I had someone to stay for. I'm not going to do anything about these thoughts for a couple of weeks or so. Mainly because I don't want to make drastic life changes only to regret them. I'm not capable of making good decisions in my present state of mind.

 

One week has now passed and in that time there's been no emails, no texts, no messages on messenger and no calls (well there's possibly been calls but I haven't picked up so I can't be sure). This week has been the longest week of my life. Please let it get easier!

 

Now I've got through this first week I might not post an entry every day. I might, but I might not. I don't wanna bore people. But I will keep updating this thread if only to see some progress. I hope I make progress. I've heard about people who never get over their first love and they still pine after them years after they've left. Don't let me be one of them pleeaasse!

[Nuala83]

I'd really like to know how the rest of you are doing. Wingwoman, Nikki Sahagin (I read about your bad day and I'm sorry), Bluewolf, EmperorR, Notalone, Nolanola, Huck and Confusedcookie, how are you guys coping?? Especially those of you who are doing NC. I know a lot of you are on the same sort of timeline as me and I've read some of your posts on other threads. Are you finding it as tough as I am???

[huck]

Its been nearly 3 months now since I split with ex and in that time weve tried to work things out but sadly it didnt work.

 

I still miss her but have realised shes not the girl I feel in love with and for now it would be too hard to get all those feeling back.

 

Things get better as the days go by - i start to think about her less and less and focus more on myself. Got a date tomorrow with a new girl so that should give me something to focus on ..

 

This forum has been awesome through the past 3 months - Its a weird kind of therapy reading some of the regular posters who have been through the same thing.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Hey Nuala! You are doing fine, just keep GOING. What are our other options? To go backwards or to stop entirely. Just keep going You will have good and bad moments, hours, days, but they all pass. Its just learning to handle the discomfort when it hits.

 

Last night before my exams, I cried. I wasn't THAT upset or devestated even, but I just cried. It felt like it had to happen. I looked in the mirror and I FORCED myself to smile. One thing this has taught me is to be kinder to myself. Towards the end he switched from a loving, attentive, generous, WONDERFUL person into a detatched, cruel, immature, completely different guy who would only give me moments of happiness. I know i'm hurt now but I guess the comfort for me is that I was unhappy IN the relationship towards the end....so if i'm unhappy out of it....tomato - to-ma-to really. There is misery either way! After I cried I couldn't really sleep. I was restless. I thought of him for a bit but nothing too intense. Weirdly I didn't really have any emotions about it. Maybe that autopilot thing....

 

I had my exam today. The whole issue I had was thinking that because we broke up, my worries about us would interfere in my ability to function in my exams. But I got in there and I did REALLY WELL. All that focus and passion went onto my exam. Now that i've done one I feel proud that I did this WITHOUT him. I felt a bit weird afterwards that I couldn't contact him, remember this time last year when I went to see him after my exams....but I just held onto the pride of having done this for ME. Why do I need to hear him say 'well done' or 'how did it go?'. I don't. I know I did well, that's all I need to hear. I don't need his validation, I just want it.

 

In a sad way its like another step apart. Realising i'm cutting him out of my life. Not letting him know what i'm up to or how i'm getting on. That really hurts. To think he would be the first person i'd tell...now its everyone but him. There's something very surreal in that...I won't get used to it for a while.

[notalone]

Today is my 70th day of NC. He dumped me and since then we have had nothing to do with each other. I have not even drunk dialled him. However, it's only my 4th day not cyber stalking him. :/ I have managed so far not because I am exceptionally strong or some ****e like that. It's only because I know that if I call he either would bother to answer or would be really rude. And that would be like being dumped a second time.

 

70 days and no...it hasn't gotten better...not yet at least. I am still muddling around. I still get panic attacks...I still wish for what didn't happen....and I can not even think of another man coming close to me.

 

I had been cyber stalking him....and found out that he has a new girl...and they are living together. But now I have stopped checking his FB page. It's really hard. But I can not deal with the lovey dovey messages they send each other. Not that it stops me from imagining them together and him telling her all the things he used to say to me.

 

They say, there are 5 stages of grief...denial, anger etc. I was in denial for the first few days. After that, it seems like I have stopped going through the stages. I geel pain, anger, jealousy.....all at once.

 

Do these people....the heartbreakers....do they even ever realize what they have done to us???

[Nikki Sahagin]

Today is my 70th day of NC. He dumped me and since then we have had nothing to do with each other. I have not even drunk dialled him. However, it's only my 4th day not cyber stalking him. :/ I have managed so far not because I am exceptionally strong or some ****e like that. It's only because I know that if I call he either would bother to answer or would be really rude. And that would be like being dumped a second time.

 

70 days and no...it hasn't gotten better...not yet at least. I am still muddling around. I still get panic attacks...I still wish for what didn't happen....and I can not even think of another man coming close to me.

 

I had been cyber stalking him....and found out that he has a new girl...and they are living together. But now I have stopped checking his FB page. It's really hard. But I can not deal with the lovey dovey messages they send each other. Not that it stops me from imagining them together and him telling her all the things he used to say to me.

 

They say, there are 5 stages of grief...denial, anger etc. I was in denial for the first few days. After that, it seems like I have stopped going through the stages. I geel pain, anger, jealousy.....all at once.

 

Do these people....the heartbreakers....do they even ever realize what they have done to us???

 

Trust me, we are all like phoenixes, we will rise from the ashes! Certain things in life can bring us to the brink of destruction....we feel its the end....but somewhere out of all that darkness, there really does come this amazing strength and power. I was SOOOOOO devestated, if you read back to one of my earlier threads (hit rock bottom) you'll see what a state I was in....but now I feel so strong. I've learnt NO-ONE is worth your unhappiness. If your ex doesn't value your worth, it doesn't matter, so long as YOU value your worth. Its not about realising what they've done to us...its about realising what they've done to themselves...they are missing out on us

[bluewolf17]

Hang in there, you are doing great!

 

I am on day, well, it would have been 5, but he texted me last night. I couldn't help myself, I responded, but it was nothing. All it did was make me sad that he still doesn't want to be with me. When i told him that we "shouldn't beat a dead horse". He asked me "do you think you are being fair?" I had no idea what that meant. I told him " I think I have been fair, I have been honest and direct with you.You said you don't want me back, so what else can I do?"

 

And he did'nt respond. I spend all night wondering how I wasn't being fair.

Anyhow, NC is like being bi-polar. I cry, then I am happy, then I feel free, then I am sad, then I am angry. I have been taking my aggression out on the treadmill, and today I went to the salon to get my hair lightened. Still fill bummed though. But tommorow is a new day.

 

Keep posting!

[Nuala83]

Not feeling good at this present time. Think I might have hit a brick wall. Got really really tempted to unblock his blog and read what he's up to. Didn't do it but the urge is there. Aggghhhhhhhhhhh! FOR F***S SAKE!!!!!