Day By Day Account Of No Contact

[EmperorR]

Day 15, hope is slowly dying.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Day 15, hope is slowly dying.

 

Hope for what? To have her back? In finding someone else?

[Nuala83]

Day 8 of no contact

 

 

Instead of moving forward I feel like I'm moving back. Logically that can't be true because if I were moving back I'd be crying in bed all day again and not eating but somehow I still feel like I'm going backwards. At times it feels like day one of the breakup (and by that I mean the day he told me it was over, not day 1 of no contact) and that's a very depressing thought after almost two months. It is only day 8 of NC though so maybe that's what's doing it. My addiction is starting to kick in and I fear I'm heading for a relapse. It's so easy to make excuses to call him but I know he doesn't want me to call him, I know he's managing to move on, I know he doesn't want a relationship and if I call I'm gonna be destroyed. Give me strength.

 

I was unbelievably tempted to check his blog today because I missed him so much but thankfuly my will power kicked in and I resisted. I just reminded myself of the previous occasions when I did that and how awful I felt afterwards to know that he was ok. Knowing that made me feel almost psychotic. If I did check, what would I do if I saw her name mentioned? What if there were photos of the two of them? What if they he'd announced they were in a relationship??!! That would be the worst scenario of all! It would be worse because one of his reasons for breaking up with me was that he didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone and just wanted to have fun. So if I found out that he was involved with someone else exclusively, well it'd just be another twist of the knife.

 

I went back to hoping today. The false hope stage is probably the worst of the stages. Sure when you're in it you feel great because you're so certain that someway or other you'll get your partner back. All will be rosy and everyone will marvel at the success story that is you. But that stage doesn't last and the comedown is brutal. When the hope starts to dwindle, the depression kicks in. I searched the internet today for false hope and I found something interesting. It's on the second chances forum under 'The Get Back Together With Your Ex Checklist'. It's a list of all the things that need to be achieved/be in the process of being achieved before reconciliation will work and last.

 

It got me thinking. What if by some miracle my ex wanted to reconcile with me. Would it work, would he stay this time? I couldn't tick all the boxes. The second question on the list was 'have you learned a lesson?' I looked at that one and I've been thinking about it ever since. I'm not stupid enough to think that I didn't make mistakes in the relationship because I did but I'm struggling to think what mistake I made that could have been so big....Maybe I'm reading too much into things but it's sent my mind into overdrive. Probably isn't healthy for me to be so self critical..but on the other hand, self analysis is a part of the healing process right? I know things aren't gonna get better with me until I make them better but right now even the smallst task feels like the biggest effort. I wouldn't take me back like this! Not that I think he will be back. I want to ask him something.

 

James,

Do you ever think of me? Do you even miss me at all?

[thewingwoman]

Well, you're doing better than me. I relapsed. Seeing him Sunday night turned out to be too much of a test for me, and it was a test I failed. He's been texting me everyday since, and because it's just general conversation, I've been answering. He even managed to get me over to his house last night (nothing physical, just to lay beside him). He's confusing as hell... And apparently I'm not as strong as I thought I was. :\

[notalone]

Nuala83,

 

I feel exactly the same today. I want to fall into the false hope trap and make myself happy. Only it's been two and a half months since the break-up/NC in my case. It happens in a loop...you feel better and over-it for a few days and then you are back to where you started.

 

Don't check his blog. I have been cyber-stalking my ex and have found out that he is living with his new gf now. I felt like I would literally go mad when I learned that.

 

Like you, I too want to ask the same question to my ex...Do you ever think about me B? Do you miss me at all?

[gypsi]

hey there

 

i am at day 14 of no contact and it doesent seem to get any better...ive tried everything from going out partying to some good old retail therapy to reading copius amounts of books...and they only take my mind off of her for a few seconds and then all the feelings come rushing back.

 

I was the one who messed up in the relationship i desereved to get dumped which makes my scenario even worse, i only realized after she left me what ive lost and just how MADLY in love with her i was. I still want her back with all of my heart, i am so scared if i keep up with NC she's gona move on and forget about me...and the thought of her meeting someone new makes me sick to my stomach!!!

 

I wonder the whole time if she misses me or if she just thinks of all the bad things and forces herself not to think of me coz i know she's a stubborn lady!

 

So glad i found this forum otherwise i would have gone insane

[bluewolf17]

I feel you on todays post. False hope is great, until you realize your the only one in on the secret. I guess my ex doesn't know that in one month he will strangly change his mind, and miss me terribly, and come running back. I haven't told him yet.

 

 

I got a randon text today that said somthing about my "beating a dead horse" comment wasn't fair. I didn't respond, because it's not really a question. He just waited a really long time to respond to a a previus text I sent it, which I though would be my last. Yes, don't laugh. I told him he was beating a dead horse. That horse is me. "(

 

Tuesday. Sigh. So does that mean my NC starts over? Lol.

 

I love to read your posts. I can't imagine the thought of my ex with someone else, I think I would be sick. No wonder you hear about people doing such crazy things over lost love/jealousy. The feelings are just so intense!

[gypsi]

I feel you on todays post. False hope is great, until you realize your the only one in on the secret. I guess my ex doesn't know that in one month he will strangly change his mind, and miss me terribly, and come running back. I haven't told him yet.

 

 

I got a randon text today that said somthing about my "beating a dead horse" comment wasn't fair. I didn't respond, because it's not really a question. He just waited a really long time to respond to a a previus text I sent it, which I though would be my last. Yes, don't laugh. I told him he was beating a dead horse. That horse is me. "(

 

Tuesday. Sigh. So does that mean my NC starts over? Lol.

 

I love to read your posts. I can't imagine the thought of my ex with someone else, I think I would be sick. No wonder you hear about people doing such crazy things over lost love/jealousy. The feelings are just so intense!

that line just cracked me up sorry i dont know how to quote yet but it was the one about "false hope" lol, so true.

 

Its not cool to beat dead horses! have some respect man, jokes ;-) so blue wolf you are back to square one of NC contact good luck. How the hell did my life end up like this i didnt even know forums like this existed wtf!?? If you told me 4 months ago that i would sit in love forums every night moping over my ex i would have thought you were high on crack seriously!

 

On a more depressing note i really want to text her next week on the day that we would have been 2gheter for a year...that means i have to break NC, maybe not wise?

[Nuala83]

Day 9 of no contact

 

 

Dear James,

 

I recieved your letter this morning. I was so excited when I recognised your handwritting on the envelope that a smile just spread across my face. I didn't want to set myself up for a fall but I couldn't help it. My heart was racing and I dared to hope. I shouldn't have hoped. There was nothing remarkable about your letter at all. My biggest desire was for the letter to read that you were sorry for hurting me, you'd made a mistake and you wanted me back. But failing that, a genuine heartfelt appology and evidence of remorse and regret would have been something. I was so dissapointed. There was nothing remarkable about your letter at all. You said you were sorry and that you hoped we could still be friends. You kept using the term 'best friends' and saying "I miss my best friend". You closed by saying I was welcome to get in touch if I wanted.

 

There was so much anger burning inside of me when I read that last sentence. I wanted to call you up and scream at you "We're NOT best friends". I wanted to reply and tell you just what this break up has done to me. But I won't be doing that. I've come too far to be drawn back into this game and I point blank refuse to allow you to string me along any further. I need to try to and salvage what's left of me. And believe me, after what I've been through there's very little left. But it's mine.

 

Your letter was very short, clear and concise. More like a business letter or something you'd send to a casual acquaintance. In fact you seemed to be more concerned about me not liking you than the pain you've caused. Who cares if you're hurt because you think you've lost a friend?! What about my hurt. You're not the one who was rejected. You're not the one who was lied to and strung along for months. You're not the one who loves someone you can't have. Do you get that?

 

Do you remember some of the things you said to me after we broke up? I was trying to keep from crying and you told me how you felt relieved that you could look at other women without feeling guilty. You said a temporary break was out of the question because if you met a girl in a bar and had a one night stand you’d feel guilty about it. It was all about you. Your feelings, your inadequacies, your needs and desires. You always did have a selfish streak but this is a step too far. You want me to be your friend now is that it? Howsabout we go out to bars together and I pick out women you might like. You could ask me for sex advice. Would that be nice for you? You cruel hateful creature. And the worst part is, you don’t even realise you’re being cruel. I keep thinking back to the boy I met in the year 2000 and I don’t see any of him in you now. With every passing day I see you in a different light and you look less and less attractive to me. A good friend of mine gave me a valuable piece of advice a few days ago. She said “Nuala, don’t ever settle for less than you’re worth”. I don’t intend to.

 

-Nuala

[bluewolf17]

Good for you Nuela!

 

Very proud. Sounds like that letter was all about him feeling guilty. Not because he misses you, or wants you back, but because he doesn't want you to hate him. Very selfish, indeed. Why be downgraded to friends? Trust me, I tried "just being friends" and it broke me up inside, everytime. Don't ever do that. Your right, you are not friends. A friend is not someone who just ripped your heart out. A friend does not make you feel sad after seeing them. He is a EX. Let him feel bad, he should!

 

Stay NC. Drive his dumb butt crazy.

[t0ri]

Stay strong with the NC! It definitely does get harder before it gets easier. I'm on day 25 and this past week has been the most difficult! Probably because reality has sunk in.

 

My ex dumped me in late February, then would send me one mean drunk text a week, which I ignored. Then, after three weeks of not speaking to each other, we started talking again. We talked again for another 3 or 4 weeks and were beginning to reconcile. He told me we'd be on a "break" instead of "breakup," that he could only see himself marrying me but could not handle a relationship right now. He even told me he wouldn't mind if I got pregnant, only for him to end things AGAIN 3 and a half weeks ago. So I had to start ALL OVER. Now I'm on day 25, and definitely learned my lesson. He broke the NC last time, but I'll never respond again (if he ever contacts me again, that is), until I'm over him.

[Nuala83]

He told me we'd be on a "break" instead of "breakup," that he could only see himself marrying me but could not handle a relationship right now. He even told me he wouldn't mind if I got pregnant, only for him to end things AGAIN 3 and a half weeks ago.

 

Oh my god he's sending you bizarre conflicting messages!

Sorry you had to start NC again. I'll think of this post if i get tempted to talk to James.

[Nuala83]

Stay NC. Drive his dumb butt crazy.

 

 

Hahahahahahaaaaaa! Ok then

[confusedcookie]

hey there

 

i am at day 14 of no contact and it doesent seem to get any better...ive tried everything from going out partying to some good old retail therapy to reading copius amounts of books...and they only take my mind off of her for a few seconds and then all the feelings come rushing back.

 

I was the one who messed up in the relationship i desereved to get dumped which makes my scenario even worse, i only realized after she left me what ive lost and just how MADLY in love with her i was. I still want her back with all of my heart, i am so scared if i keep up with NC she's gona move on and forget about me...and the thought of her meeting someone new makes me sick to my stomach!!!

 

I wonder the whole time if she misses me or if she just thinks of all the bad things and forces herself not to think of me coz i know she's a stubborn lady!

 

So glad i found this forum otherwise i would have gone insane

 

i don't know your story, but the way i see it is that if you're the one who messed up, then you are the one that should go fix it, because i'm in a similar situation, with day 7 nc, but still for me, i think that a break up is never final if the girl still has feelings for you. If enough gestures and effort is made to show that you will care, she will come back, at least that's how i feel.

 

my bf did something i thought was an deal breaker, but if he came back, and plead for forgiveness, telling me that he's realized what's he's done and so forth, i wouldn't reconcile the relationship, but i would be friends, and slowly see where it takes us. for me, its all about him showing effort and care for me.

 

i might be delusional right now though bc i'm having a really hard time with my first and only serious breakup =(

[notalone]

Selfish fool. Him...not you, obviously.

[nolanola]

Good for you, Nuala! We all deserve to be loved and respected and shouldn't settle for these crumbs that get thrown our way. Why do they do things like send letters or texts or ask you to have their baby (WTF?!). Is it to keep you on the hook, to ease their guilt, to give them something to do? I wish I knew why so that I wouldn't wonder...

Regardless of why, you are so right to think about yourself first. For a while, I was trying to have limited contact with my ex at work. I would avoid being around him for any length of time and if he tried to talk to me, I would answer politely and then excuse myself. The thing that struck me most about this was that after doing this, I worried a lot about how he would react. Would he think I was mad at him? Would he be mad at me? It really struck me how much thought I was putting into how he felt instead of how I felt. So I applaud you for thinking of yourself...keep doing it, it's making me feel stronger too!

[gypsi]

Hey confusedcookie

 

Well lets just say i am the most wonderfull person when sober but got drunk one to many times and i was a complete ass to her!! I went to go get help and ive bin sober for 3 months i wont even dare get tipsy it ruiend my life. Ive tried everything to get her back....think the damage is just to much, she wanted to get back together bu then she changed her mind. She started ignoring my smses and when i confronted her she just replied with a "you not use to NOT getting what you want" so i replied "thats not true i love her she's worht fighting for, but i get the hint that im just annoying her and that il stop smsing her".

 

So i dont want to push her away even more, so its been 16 days NC, havent heard anything from her again.

[Nikki Sahagin]

On monday it will be another week since we've spoken.

 

I miss him at times and wonder what he's doing - but I have no actual desire to speak to or see him. I affiliate him solely with hurt now. On my own and with others I feel strong, confident, chatty, funny, witty. When i'm with him I feel weak, insecure, quiet, boring and predictable. I have no desire to return to being 'that girl'.

 

For me I think i'm caught up in idealism. He was my first kiss, I lost my virginity to him and I loved the idea of us being together forever. Sadly that will not be my reality. But he has become a different person. Unfortunately I do not know that I can believe a word he says any longer. When I snooped (BEST thing I ever did) I found so much information that contradicted with what he said to me. Thing is when we fell asleep together cuddled up I felt like the most loved and cared for person in the world. But so many of his other actions and words contradicted that I felt like I was turning into a schizophrenic. I no longer understood how to 'read' him - almost like an autistic child who can't respond 'properly' to how people are to them. From minute to minute he would change leaving me not knowing how to be. He always loved hugs and cuddles and all the physical contact so in that way I felt loved - but kisses and sex and spending time together disapeared.

 

Its just such a WEIRD scenario. I never thought we'd end up this way. All I know is, no matter how much I love him, he was driving me mad. I would have probably gone mad or killed myself if I had stayed in that because it really was driving me slowly insane.

[confusedcookie]

On monday it will be another week since we've spoken.

 

I miss him at times and wonder what he's doing - but I have no actual desire to speak to or see him. I affiliate him solely with hurt now. On my own and with others I feel strong, confident, chatty, funny, witty. When i'm with him I feel weak, insecure, quiet, boring and predictable. I have no desire to return to being 'that girl'.

 

For me I think i'm caught up in idealism. He was my first kiss, I lost my virginity to him and I loved the idea of us being together forever. Sadly that will not be my reality. But he has become a different person. Unfortunately I do not know that I can believe a word he says any longer. When I snooped (BEST thing I ever did) I found so much information that contradicted with what he said to me. Thing is when we fell asleep together cuddled up I felt like the most loved and cared for person in the world. But so many of his other actions and words contradicted that I felt like I was turning into a schizophrenic. I no longer understood how to 'read' him - almost like an autistic child who can't respond 'properly' to how people are to them. From minute to minute he would change leaving me not knowing how to be. He always loved hugs and cuddles and all the physical contact so in that way I felt loved - but kisses and sex and spending time together disapeared.

 

Its just such a WEIRD scenario. I never thought we'd end up this way. All I know is, no matter how much I love him, he was driving me mad. I would have probably gone mad or killed myself if I had stayed in that because it really was driving me slowly insane.

 

me too, he was my first, and though i was the dumper because he drove off and left me hanging on a street corner with no money and in the bummy area of vancouver, i just wished that he could have at least tried to call me after i said breakup. sure, i said breakup, but you did something wrong, aren't you least going to try to win me back?

 

only now do i realize that he is completely different from what i thought he was. but then, i remember all the hour massages he gives me, makes me soup, and all the things he does for me, and i wonder, what happens if i never find someone like that? that will give me a massage, blow dry my hair, squeeze out my toothpaste, what happens if he's the one i let get away? that if we stuck this out, it would work again?

 

ugh, its horrible!

[Nuala83]

confusedcookie: "me too, he was my first"

 

Nikki Sahagin: "He was my first kiss, I lost my virginity to him and I loved the idea of us being together forever. Sadly that will not be my reality".

 

 

Mine was my first also! Not first kiss but first love, lost my virginity to him (never had sex with another man), first lots of things. D'ya think it's so much painful if you're losing your first love???

[Nuala83]

I've failed. I broke no contact

 

 

I'm breaking down in tears as I type this. My heart has been ripped out all over again and I've only got myself to blame. I can't believe I was so weak and I regret what I did bitterly. I've failed. Curiosity got the better of me and I checked his blog. There were mentions of her all over it. All the things they'd done and the places they'd been. He talks so fondly of her. There were photos of them with their arms round each other. There were photos of them cheek to cheek in the same places me and him took photos of each other. I cried hystericaly and I'm starting again right now. I can barely see for my tears. I responded to his email. I shouldn't have done that. I should have stayed away. Why did I torture myself, I'm so stupid. I was so weak and needy in the email. I asked him so many questions of why. Why would he do this to me? How could he treat me this way. I wish I could undo what I just did. He's so happy. He's so so happy. I hate myself right now I really do. What have I done?

 

I've stopped eating again. I've gone right back to square one. I'm sorry.

[thewingwoman]

I've failed. I broke no contact

 

 

I'm breaking down in tears as I type this. My heart has been ripped out all over again and I've only got myself to blame. I can't believe I was so weak and I regret what I did bitterly. I've failed. Curiosity got the better of me and I checked his blog. There were mentions of her all over it. All the things they'd done and the places they'd been. He talks so fondly of her. There were photos of them with their arms round each other. There were photos of them cheek to cheek in the same places me and him took photos of each other. I cried hystericaly and I'm starting again right now. I can barely see for my tears. I responded to his email. I shouldn't have done that. I should have stayed away. Why did I torture myself, I'm so stupid. I was so weak and needy in the email. I asked him so many questions of why. Why would he do this to me? How could he treat me this way. I wish I could undo what I just did. He's so happy. He's so so happy. I hate myself right now I really do. What have I done?

 

I've stopped eating again. I've gone right back to square one. I'm sorry.

 

Wow, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. But don't beat yourself up, just learn from it. Remember the way you feel right now the next time you think of checking his blog or contacting him.

 

I broke no contact too (well actually, he showed up at Sunday Tradition, and I ended up seeing him), and my story is kinda going in a different direction... Just updated my blog about it: http://breakuprehab.wordpress.com

[Nuala83]

Sorry about that last post. I was very emotional but I've started to calm down now. I f*cked up but it's done now and I've gotta move past it. Once I get a handle on my emotions I'l be fine but it's a learning process.

 

Oh well

[TroyNJ]

confusedcookie: "me too, he was my first"

 

Nikki Sahagin: "He was my first kiss, I lost my virginity to him and I loved the idea of us being together forever. Sadly that will not be my reality".

 

 

Mine was my first also! Not first kiss but first love, lost my virginity to him (never had sex with another man), first lots of things. D'ya think it's so much painful if you're losing your first love???

 

 

God, I feel so bad for what you're going through, I have been in the exact spot, I was didn't think I could go on but somehow I made it and now I'm stronger for it, I never begged or pleaded (even though I wanted too), eventually she wanted me back and I just couldn't do it. I miss her more than life but i can't be with her. I will get better I promise, keep posting we are here for you!

 

Troy

 

By the way I see your a Alababma girl, I went to UT, I'm a Vol!

[TheBigCow]

Nuala if it helps at all, my situation was similar to yours in quite a few ways and I broke NC in the same way you just did MULTIPLE TIMES.. and I'm talking way too many times

 

So until you make it your regular Saturday night activity, don't feel too bad.

 

I'm not going to claim you'll feel better soon, but NC does get easier, especially after slips like this.

 

I hope you're doing alright