Someone to Listen?

[JustWords]

Hi,

 

I think I just need someone to listen and give insight from their perspective. I'm quite confused and lost. I feel like I'm in a downward spiral.

 

A good friend of mine and I reconnected back in December of last year. We started spending time together and before you know it, we're off and running on a more involved level. He got out of a relationship back in October which lasted about three years. Their relationship wasn't good and he's very weary of relationships as a whole currently. He's afraid that putting a "label" on our relationship will fault it and it will fail. We spent a few months like this, and I decided I just couldn't do it anymore. I didn't think it was fair for me to sit back and while he got everything he wanted, how he wanted it. I thought since he didn't want a "label" that there were things I couldn't do. I never felt like I could call him to say "hi" or see him more than a couple times a week. So, after our last conversation (at the time) of relationships status, I decided I would walk away; which I did. I ended all communication with him. I just couldn't bring myself to go through it and live it.

 

In the meantime, I met someone. A few weeks into my no contact venture, I received an email from my friend saying he couldn't wait to sart hanging out with me again (like nothing had happened) I understand this was his way of reaching out to me. I didn't respond because I still felt going back to the place we were in would be a bad decision for me. About one week later, I received another email. This time, I responded. We agreed to meet one Monday night, and we did. During this meeting, he asked me many questions: whether I had met anyone, what I had been doing, etc. I didn't think it was his business to be honest regarding what was going on in my life. After all, he didn't want a relationship "status" with me, so what did I owe him. However, I told him what I had been doing and how I'd met someone. Sadness loomed and you could see the pain in his eyes. Since, we've continued spending time together. I told him my concerns about feeling like I can't see him, feeling as though I can't call, and each of my concerns have been addressed and seemingly (currently) fixed. We spend quite a bit of time together. He has told me several times, he's working through what he needs to and that he hopes I'm around when he's ready for the "status" I feel like my silence allowed him time to think about what I mean to him and where he wants things to go.

 

To be honest, I have a time line pre-made in my mind. I don't bring up the fact that I want a "status" because I'm trying to be understanding and considerate of giving him a no pressure attitude. Honestly, I don't know how much longer I can do this. Some days, I'm ok with things and other days I'm a wreck. Some days I feel like I'm spinning my wheels waiting for something to happen that's never going to happen. Waiting for a pigeon to come to my window with a love letter or flowers to be delivered to me.

 

Well, last week was a bad week, and I was in touch with the guy I met in the interim while I had stopped talking to my friend. I saw him one night last week. I don't know how I feel about it. I'm "single" so it shouldn't matter, but I'm going over and over everything in my mind and I cannot figure out how I feel about anything anymore. I want to throw my hands up and say "forget it" and walk away. Other days, I try and tell myself to get through it because of how great of an outcome there would be.

 

I am starting to not be able to look myself in the mirror. I just don't know what to do or where to turn. I'm completely lost.

[WTRanger]

It sounds like you don't know what you want either. You can't wait around on the first guy to come around as he may never. At the same time, you can't string along guy B either. Because in effect, you are doing the same thing to guy B and that guy A is doing to you.

 

You've got a choice to make. You can't put pressure on the first guy, since he's in a tough spot. At the same time, he's got to move on. He can't keep wallowing in his past. If he's not willing to move forward with you, then you'll have to move forward with yourself.

 

I don't envy you one bit. Only you can decide what to do.

[paddington bear]

I agree with WTRanger. Thing is you did the right thing cutting him off like that, as you said, he was getting everything he wanted and you weren't. And boo hoo to his big sad face, he could have had you at any time and he chose not to - I've had the big sad face too recently and thing is, well, he's the one who made himself sad, not me. He didn't take me, now we're not really talking and I went on a date with someone else. So I am not the cause of his sad face, he is.

 

Problem is, with very little effort on his part - 2 emails - he's once again prevented you from moving on and is still dithering about you. By responding to him he's got you right back to square one, you've kind of shown him that although you say you can't go on that way, you are willing to do so by the very fact that you met up with him again.

 

He is probably being honest, he probably does need more time to figure things out and work out what he wants. However that does not mean you should be hanging around for God knows how long until he finally 'chooses you'. Have you considered as well, that when and if he gets over this blockage, that it might not be with you? If you keep in contact with him and he goes off with someone else you're going to feel even worse than you do now.

 

I'm concerned about you saying that you wanted to give him a 'no pressure' attitude. Sod that. Is he concerned that he's wasting your life while he hums and haws about his issues with women and relationships? NO, he's not. Be more up front, don't pretend that you're all easy breazy about this when you're not.

 

Tell him you like to feel secure in a relationship and need to know that the guy really wants to be there in it with you and that anything less than that is a deal-breaker for you. That is you telling him straight up what you want and expect rather than you adjusting your behaviour in order to get him to do what you want.

 

Email him and tell him that it was good to talk, that you felt you explained where you stand on the situation, that you'd prefer that he doesn't contact you again until he's sorted out what he wants. That he can take as long as he wants to decide, but that you might not be there waiting for him by the time he's sorted himself out.

[JustWords]

You're both right and I appreciate your feedback.

 

I'm not made for this, there's too much pressure on my shoulders to try and be a form of someone supportive and understanding while the brunt of stress is leaning on me and not him. He's got it made in this situation; meanwhile I'm breaking down.

 

It saddens me, and it's the absolute worst feeling, but I've decided I need to keep living my life. I cannot wait for him to decide. Should he decide one day and comes back to me, ok... that is, if I'm even still waiting. There are no guarantees. There are plenty of men in this world, plenty of men who would value me and my time.

 

I love this man. Something I never got to tell him, and would probably never tell him. But as far as love goes, my heart is breaking.

[boogieboy]

n this world, plenty of men who would value me and my time.

 

I love this man. Something I never got to tell him, and would probably never tell him. But as far as love goes, my heart is breaking.

 

Then walk away. You're putting the pressure on your own head. You dont need this kind of stress when you already have someone else interested in you. COncentrate on him, forget about the first guy. if you cant forget about the first guy, you should take some time to yourself and not be dating anyone until he has cleared your head.

[JustWords]

I did it all. I blocked him from calling me, messaging and email because I know myself and know how tempted I would be to pick up the phone. It hurts like heck and I can't stand it. I just want to see him, run up to him and give him the most endearing hug ever. I'm second guessing everything I've done. I'm beginning to think if I had been more open with him it would have been different, but I was trying so desperately to show him I was understanding. I never uttered the words "I miss you" I want to. This feels horrible, no other word but horrible.

[WTRanger]

I feel for you. These situations are the worst. I'd even venture to say they are harder than an actual break-up because at least in a break-up there is something tangible to fixate on. These situations are nothing but vapors, we're chasing vapors. You end up lost in your own head and before you know it you've convinced yourself that the other person hate's your guts and you never meant jack-piddly to them. When in reality, it's far from that but your head has convinced you otherwise.

 

So if you've 100% blocked him, how is he to tell you he's ready? Cases like these, I do not believe are a call for 100% blocking. Very minimal to limited contact, yes. But I firmly do not believe in forever no contact.

 

Only you know what to do in your heart. If you miss him, then just blurt it out. This is a case where you might be using the no contact as a way of making him want you, it's not meant for that. It's meant for you to heal, not continue to break your heart even more. At some point, you've got to just let out all your emotions to him. Keeping them inside is just killing you.

 

We all don't know what the future brings so act like you may never see him again. Because what if, God forbid, he was killed in a car crash? Then what? I say at this point, lay all your cards out to him. Put everything out there, get it out of your system. If he doesn't flinch or respond to that, then at least you tried and you cleared your system. Then, you should be able to heal.

 

Things like this don't have to happen over night, there's no reason he can't progress slowly with you into a relationship.

[JustWords]

I feel for you. These situations are the worst. I'd even venture to say they are harder than an actual break-up because at least in a break-up there is something tangible to fixate on. These situations are nothing but vapors, we're chasing vapors. You end up lost in your own head and before you know it you've convinced yourself that the other person hate's your guts and you never meant jack-piddly to them. When in reality, it's far from that but your head has convinced you otherwise.

 

So if you've 100% blocked him, how is he to tell you he's ready? Cases like these, I do not believe are a call for 100% blocking. Very minimal to limited contact, yes. But I firmly do not believe in forever no contact.

 

Only you know what to do in your heart. If you miss him, then just blurt it out. This is a case where you might be using the no contact as a way of making him want you, it's not meant for that. It's meant for you to heal, not continue to break your heart even more. At some point, you've got to just let out all your emotions to him. Keeping them inside is just killing you.

 

We all don't know what the future brings so act like you may never see him again. Because what if, God forbid, he was killed in a car crash? Then what? I say at this point, lay all your cards out to him. Put everything out there, get it out of your system. If he doesn't flinch or respond to that, then at least you tried and you cleared your system. Then, you should be able to heal.

 

Things like this don't have to happen over night, there's no reason he can't progress slowly with you into a relationship.

 

I suppose you could say I'm deathly afraid he would never tell me he's ready because his mind is so confused and the thought of never hearing that from him kills me and it's easier for me to comprehend blocking him out and creating a shield of silence. This happened once before... about two months ago now. I didn't block him that go around, but I went silent.

 

Friday night was a very rough night for us. He didn't like that I wasn't all lovey with him when we were out with our friends. It's a losing battle. I thought I was giving him space, meanwhile the gears in his head are despising me for not paying enough attention to him. Then when he ever said how upset he was with me for not being attentive enough and that he wanted me to go home... my heart shattered into one thousand pieces and I haven't been able to shake that feeling nor the things he said to me. They hit me hard. (But why act that way... we're not dating!)

 

Even more upsetting, I had a thought today... a thought that maybe one of these days he'll be waiting for me with flowers or something cheesy out of some sappy love story, made for t.v. movie. Damn I'm living in the ultimate nightmare.

 

I'm afraid to put my heart on the table. I just don't know.

[WTRanger]

Sorry if I'm confused here. So he was mad at you for not being attentive enough then he was also mad at you for being lovey to him? H-O-L-Y CRAP! I really feel for you now. If that's the case, then I take back everything I said. This guy defiantly is messed up and probably isn't the best for you right now.

 

How about this. What is the situation with the other guy from the original post? Did that go anywhere? How about putting this guy on the back burner for a while? Not necessarily out of your life, but he's for sure in the doghouse. Pursue guy B and I can almost bet you guy A will all of a sudden change his stance.

 

I'm in a similar case, only I told the girl and it freaked her out and she still refuses to give me a final answer. I thought she was confusing, but at least it's no where near your case. I have started to put her in the back, and try to just go out and meet other girls. I have no expectations of finding someone who will rock my socks off like the original girl, but who knows what I might find? It sure beats hanging around constantly thinking about her and over-analyzing every stinkin' detail of what I did and what she did, the words, the emails, etc.

 

Just because you aren't dating doesn't mean you don't have feelings for him. His words hurt because you do want to see him as more, yet he isn't showing anything that he has. It's over loading your circuits so to speak. You brain doesn't know what to do. To you, he is a constant fore thought in your head. But to him, you aren't sure if you are even a weak though in his head. It's far too lopsided at this point. Maybe he'll come around, maybe he won't. But this right now, this is killing you. This isn't good either.

 

From what you said, I think you should start to protect your heart. I didn't realize he was playing that many mind games with you. I just thought he was confused, but now it seems like he is not only confused but being a jerk about it as well.

[JustWords]

Sorry if I'm confused here. So he was mad at you for not being attentive enough then he was also mad at you for being lovey to him? H-O-L-Y CRAP! I really feel for you now. If that's the case, then I take back everything I said. This guy defiantly is messed up and probably isn't the best for you right now.

 

How about this. What is the situation with the other guy from the original post? Did that go anywhere? How about putting this guy on the back burner for a while? Not necessarily out of your life, but he's for sure in the doghouse. Pursue guy B and I can almost bet you guy A will all of a sudden change his stance.

 

I'm in a similar case, only I told the girl and it freaked her out and she still refuses to give me a final answer. I thought she was confusing, but at least it's no where near your case. I have started to put her in the back, and try to just go out and meet other girls. I have no expectations of finding someone who will rock my socks off like the original girl, but who knows what I might find? It sure beats hanging around constantly thinking about her and over-analyzing every stinkin' detail of what I did and what she did, the words, the emails, etc.

 

Just because you aren't dating doesn't mean you don't have feelings for him. His words hurt because you do want to see him as more, yet he isn't showing anything that he has. It's over loading your circuits so to speak. You brain doesn't know what to do. To you, he is a constant fore thought in your head. But to him, you aren't sure if you are even a weak though in his head. It's far too lopsided at this point. Maybe he'll come around, maybe he won't. But this right now, this is killing you. This isn't good either.

 

From what you said, I think you should start to protect your heart. I didn't realize he was playing that many mind games with you. I just thought he was confused, but now it seems like he is not only confused but being a jerk about it as well.

 

Yes, he was upset at me for everything I did that night. He would not even speak to me besides the BS about my lack of attention.

 

To answer your question about guy B. Nice guy. I don't spend as much time with him as I'd like, but at least when I'm with him, I know I can act how I want to act with him and don't feel like I need to hold back. Guy B even asked me to go to Las Vegas with him!!

 

Another piece to the puzzle: last Wednesday I was at a BBQ at guy A's with a couple of our friends. They had brought a friend of theirs, and goodness if the earth was shattering. Guy A was again, visibly upset this guy was getting my attention, that I wasn't giving 100 percent attention to him. But again, I'm not dating guy A, so I'm not going to throw myself at him. I'm not the clingy type. Guy A knew this guy was interested. I had plans with guy A the next day, and he called last minute to cancel because he was srill out helping his family with some stuff. He then asks "Are you going to go out with _____" I didn't say anything but thought to myself "where do you get the right?!" He doesn't.

 

I'm on the same page as you with the over analyzing. Everything he said that night hasn't vacated my mind one bit. I keep thinking about how great he was when I first got their compared to how he was at the end of the night compared to the lovey emails he sent me that afternoon. I'm not perfect by any means, but come on! This is ridiculous. We have both have said how we feel with one another is like nothing we've ever felt. I've tried meeting other people as you said you are attempting to, but it doesn't feel the same. What matters is that at the end of the day, you miss the original person. The person who pushed you so hard that you're even out attempting to meet someone else. But my mind gets the best of me and I feel like I'm the pushy one?! Yea right, I'll laugh at that. I was the one carrying the weight on my shoulders... he was the one who was getting by, by reading cliff notes! (If you know what I mean)

 

My point is, he knows I care for him. He knows how HARD I've tried and how I've extended myself, yet he knows people are interested in me. Actively interested in me, and I'm not going to lie to you. I've been out with them because I'm afraid of being hurt by Guy A, but as I sit with them... all I want to do is see Guy A. He doesn't want me to see anyone else, yet he can't just say the words to me. I look at myself in the mirror and see sadness staring back at me. I don't feel like he thinks about me or wonders what I'm thinking or doing. Is that even realistic?

 

It isn't fair. Like I said... this is a nightmare.

[WTRanger]

I would say focus on guy B for a while. Like you said, at least you can be yourself around him. It's almost impossible to turn guy A off from your head, but you have to try. Take it slow, but when you feel yourself start to compare guys or think more than a standard thought about guy A, be conscious of that and really try to stop yourself. It'll become easier as time passes.

 

Yes, this is a nightmare. It's a nightmare because to the outside observer it seems to be such an easy solution, leave guy A in the dust. But to those of us who are completely wrapped up in a situation like this, it's so much more difficult and unclear. It's not like you can turn off your feelings like a faucet for this guy and it's hard to want to do so.

 

The first guy cannot control who you see. He has no right to say you can't be with other guys, yet fail to commit to you. His actions are obviously conflicting his words, and you need to pay attention to his actions. But, this is where it gets confusing as his actions conflict his actions as well. An example is that he doesn't want to commit to you and shows himself as distant around you, which shows that he's not interested. Yet, he gets jealous when other guys have your attention, which is an obvious sign that he is interested. So which actions are you to believe?

 

If I knew the answer, I wouldn't be in the same situation myself. The best thing you can do is to just try to slowly work guy A onto a lower rank than he is right now.

[JustWords]

I've read each of your posts numerous times, going over everything in my head. I feel guilt-ridden and crushed. I think to myself "If only I'd let my feelings show through and not only my words of what I wanted then maybe that would matter" I'm a fool, this I know.

 

I called yesterday and left a voicemail. I told him that no matter what I do during the day it doesn't matter because at the end of the day, I miss him. That I want to give him the biggest five minute hug there is.

 

Perhaps this was my greatest mistake, but it's all true. Guy A, Guy B or Guy C... it doesn't matter because Guy A has me.

 

He told me he had a lot to think about and that he'd call me today. Goodness knows I'm staring at my phone and cannot stop.

 

Lesson to everyone, if you walk away once, don't look back. It's more painful the second time around because you have faith in that person since they wanted you back in their life.

[WTRanger]

Part of the healing/coping process is that you've got to stop beating yourself up over the past. You are over-analyzing everything using hindsight and that's never a good thing. You have to have faith in your actions as you went with your gut using the facts and information you were presented with at the time. We can all look back and thing maybe this and maybe that, but we also have to understand that with no guarantee the other action would have paid off in the way we expected it to.

 

What do I mean by that? Let's take en example from my situation. For the longest time, and I still have thoughts like this when everything is silent, I'll beat myself up for not kissing this girl or putting my arms around her when maybe I should have. I think, "Maybe, that one time if I would have just kissed her then sparks and fireworks would have exploded and I'd be so much happier right now." But, who am I to say that if I did try to kiss her, that it would have worked out the way I perceived or wished it'd work out? What if it blew up in my face? What if I got the, "What the f--k are you doing?" I have to have faith in my actions that I did based on what I knew at the time of incident. I cannot try to figure things out using hindsight. Besides, I have to trust in my gut that for whatever reason I didn't make a move. Whether her body language was inconclusive, or she dropped hints, or something in my intuition said that it wasn't right.

 

Look, we can't even try to plumb the mystery of life. We'll go insane if we try. Life is too uncertain. Right now you're thinking that if you just would have done more then things would have worked out positive. But there's also a 50% chance that things could have worked out extremely negative as well.

 

You told him how you feel, he knows this. Give him his time to think. You have to be patient. I know you want to hear his answer but you have to back off of him and do not pressure him to make a decision. When the girl in my case said she needed time to think about everything, in my mind I had figured it'd be a week or two at tops. I'm going on 3 months and I haven't brought up the issue. I'll admit I'll drop sly hints which she famously ignores, but that's it.

 

I have to have faith that she's still thinking about it and if she's not then that's her choice. She knows how I feel towards her and if I push her the only thing I will succeed in is pushing her farther away and maybe even ruining what, at worst, will shape up to be a great and hopefully life-long friendship. But at the very same time, I cannot wait around much longer. I have to move on with my life and meeting other girls.

 

You didn't do anything wrong. Believe me, it's taken me 4 months to figure that out in my case and sometimes, the really bad days, I don't believe myself. But deep down, I know I didn't do anything wrong.

[JustWords]

I talked with him last night, and it was, for lack of a better word, horrid.

 

It's some sort of twisted masochist game to him. He told me we're not on the same page. That he can't have someone around who he gets jealous of. Everything I said he would say "I don't agree" When I talked about everything he said about how he felt, how he acted... he brushed it off as if it wasn't true and never happened. There is so much more, so much more that is inexcusable and fictional. He said something to the affect of we won't speak until I'm over it. I told him this is it, never again, I'm done. He said he "gets it" but I know he thinks this will be just like last time. It won't. He treated me horribly and I'm so much better than this. I'm just sorry it took me this long to realize. I just have too much confidence in people, bottom line. I take partial blame. I'll admit that, but only the blame for believing in him.

 

I'm not sad, I'm angry. I'm angry because I ended this about 3 months ago, came back because he asked me numerous times, believed him and what he told me and for what!? To be slammed and made to feel as though everything is my fault and this is all because of me when he's the one who was so messed up in his mind and confused that he couldn't just let himself embrace his feelings for me? I know, it's not worth it. This I know. I just don't like he gets the final say. He said "You did this to me once, now I'm doing it to you. We're even" Seriously, this isn't a game! I'm the one who should have had the final say. He has no right to call it quits. That was my right and my right only after everything he did.

 

The day will come when he wakes up and misses me. When he realizes his feelings. It will be too late for him though, I have zero interest in any association with him now, or ever again. He can run, but feelings aren't made to be buried. They creep up on us when we least expect it. No matter how far we think we are from them, they hit us twice as hard.

[WTRanger]

I'm sorry to hear that it went so bad for you. But now, you see him for who he truly is. You've finally been able to take off the dreamy glasses and he's not exactly the knight in shining armor you once thought he was.

 

The test is going to be when he comes crawling back, which he will. You have to stay strong! I'm stumped to why he won't at least listen to his own feelings about you, but maybe he's scared or what not. It doesn't make much sense, but you can't try and figure that out for him.

[JustWords]

It's only been three weeks. It's taken this long for things to actually surface in my mind and realize just what happened. I feel like it's been an eternity. I feel as though I've lost one of my best friends, someone I had such an emotional and personal connection with.

 

I look at my phone and desperately want to call him. I want to write an email. However, my mind has successfully out weighed my heart thus far and has not allowed me to do so.

 

I just can't believe I feel this way. I cannot believe someone got under my skin so deeply that I have completely shut off emotionally from any thing and any one.

 

I'm so sad. Each day that passes I wonder if we parted on harsh terms, if the stress was just so high that this happen prematurely or whether he has tried contacting me.

 

I don't know the answer to any of these questions. When I put up my phone, I cry, I cry because I know calling him is the wrong decision regardless of the outcome, but my heart wants to so badly.

[JustWords]

They say second chances come but once in a lifetime. If that's true, then what are they saying about a third try? That "it's a charm"? At this point, I have no idea.

 

Last week sometime, we spoke. We spoke for the first time in about one month. It was difficult, yet compelling. We've seen one another since, and what a surprise (sarcasm) things were absolutely wonderful.

 

For those of you who've read this post along the way, you'll know I truly care for this man. His feelings for me, they're present, but kept hidden due to fear. When we spoke, he immediately jumped into talking about what happened last time we saw one another and how nothing I could have done that night would have changed anything and that he was bound to get angry no matter what (ok, but that didn't make me feel any better about that situation) He talked about trying his hardest and giving a relationship a try. Everything he said 'sounds' good, but it's whether he can actually act on his words.

 

Last night, I couldn't stand to be home, so I went to a friends and spent the night. The lack of sleep is starting all over again, the loss of appetite, headaches and the nauseated feelings. This is all stress induced due to fear. Is it so hard to just relax? I want it to be different this time (much like each of you who would feel the same if given another chance) I'm just so afraid from his colorful track record that this time won't be any different. I mean, honestly, why would it be? That's a sad statement for me to make, but it's true. The pain I felt when he left the second time, never mind the first time was unbearable.

 

I'm second guessing everything I do. For example: he works for his families company, and because of the economy right now, the stress at work have heightened and he's been working triple time to get through. Last week I asked if he wanted to go out this past weekend, and he told me he didn't know whether he was feeling up to it because of work and his money situation. So, I left it alone. I didn't say anything. I figured I'd just let him be and not push the topic because I know how he gets when conversations arise on topics. So, I made him cookies, got a cute card and sent them over. I thought this would be a nice gesture. It's not like he's a chick and I can send flowers to cheer him up, so this was my alternative. I'm second guessing my choice even with this, and I don't think there was anything wrong with it. Was there?

 

I don't know, I'm a very giving caring person. I think my entire outlook on this situation is out of whack and no matter what I do I'm going to end up hurt in the end. It's only a matter of time.

 

I can't go through the devastation of heartache again. This man has captured every last bit of my heart, yet I'm on the fence due to fear.

 

What do I do? This is turning into an absolute nightmare... again and nothing bad has happened yet.

[WTRanger]

You've got to keep yourself busy, you've got to get your mind off of him. I know that this isn't an easy task, so just start slow. If you are awake for 16 hours, set a goal one week to only think about him for 15 hours, then 14 hours, and so on. Before you know it, you won't think about him that much. When you do start to think about him, be aware of yourself and stop yourself. Force yourself to think about something else, call a friend, exercise, do something to get your mind off of him.

 

All of this is easy for me to say, but I know it's hard. As you may know, I'm in a similar situation and it's not easy. I think what you did with the cookies was very sweet. But know this, you can't control how he reacts to that. So do those gestures because you want to, don't do them for his reaction or perceived reaction. Realize that you are writing covert contracts when you do things. Such as if I do this then he'll do that. No, do it because you want to and it makes you feel good. That's all you have control over, you. You cannot control him.

 

In my case I sent the girl just nice, thinking of you / things will get better card. I never heard if she got it or not, but that's not why I sent it. Yes, I was mad when I never got a response. But then I realized that if it put a smile on her face or put her at ease, then that's exactly what I wanted it to do. I didn't need to hear about it, I just have to trust in my gut that she indeed got the card. I realized that I was created a mental contract with her, which was unfair to her. If I send her this card, then I'll get this response. When it didn't happen I started to think of her as this bitch, cold hearted selfish skanky attention whore etc. Why was I feeding all of this negative rage on her becuase of something I had made up in my head?

 

But she's not, just because she didn't respond doesn't mean she didn't like it. It's my mind that is making that connection, and your mind is a powerful tool. I will say this, there is a level of human decency that says when someone does something like that, you should at least acknowledge it. But as I've said many times, I cannot control her just like you cannot control your guy. We can only control what is inside our skin, anything outside of that is left to the random ways of life.

[JustWords]

You've got to keep yourself busy, you've got to get your mind off of him. I know that this isn't an easy task, so just start slow. If you are awake for 16 hours, set a goal one week to only think about him for 15 hours, then 14 hours, and so on. Before you know it, you won't think about him that much. When you do start to think about him, be aware of yourself and stop yourself. Force yourself to think about something else, call a friend, exercise, do something to get your mind off of him.

 

All of this is easy for me to say, but I know it's hard. As you may know, I'm in a similar situation and it's not easy. I think what you did with the cookies was very sweet. But know this, you can't control how he reacts to that. So do those gestures because you want to, don't do them for his reaction or perceived reaction. Realize that you are writing covert contracts when you do things. Such as if I do this then he'll do that. No, do it because you want to and it makes you feel good. That's all you have control over, you. You cannot control him.

 

In my case I sent the girl just nice, thinking of you / things will get better card. I never heard if she got it or not, but that's not why I sent it. Yes, I was mad when I never got a response. But then I realized that if it put a smile on her face or put her at ease, then that's exactly what I wanted it to do. I didn't need to hear about it, I just have to trust in my gut that she indeed got the card. I realized that I was created a mental contract with her, which was unfair to her. If I send her this card, then I'll get this response. When it didn't happen I started to think of her as this bitch, cold hearted selfish skanky attention whore etc. Why was I feeding all of this negative rage on her becuase of something I had made up in my head?

 

But she's not, just because she didn't respond doesn't mean she didn't like it. It's my mind that is making that connection, and your mind is a powerful tool. I will say this, there is a level of human decency that says when someone does something like that, you should at least acknowledge it. But as I've said many times, I cannot control her just like you cannot control your guy. We can only control what is inside our skin, anything outside of that is left to the random ways of life.

 

 

I'd like to start by saying the fact that you sent someone you care for a card is absolutely amazing! I don't think there are many days that pass in which I don't wish Mystery Man (That's what I'll call him) would send me flowers. You put yourself out there and I think that's not always easy for a man. That was a wonderful gesture and any girl should appreciate that and should hold that dear. Guys like you are few and far between. I'm sure you're an absolutely wonderful man and deserve only the best.

 

He responded, and like you, he said my gesture was "very sweet" I'm glad he appreciated it. I'm just being me and doing the things that I feel are right in my heart. I did this not for a reaction, but because this is the person that I am. I'm giving, maybe too giving and I'm compassionate, maybe too compassionate. Regardless, these are the things that make me come alive and make me who I am. I feel bad because I know times are tough for him right now. When he says he's upset or depressed, I feel for him. However, I feel also feel bad because I think if he's with me, he might feel better. However, I feel as though he doesn't see me when he's upset because of what happened the last time we were together and he was upset. If what I feel is true, that shows me he thinks about us and doesn't want to be in a position to compromise our relationship again.

 

My not wanting to be home alone, isn't because of the time spent thinking about him, it's the time spent worrying when something bad is going to happen. I suppose I just expect the worst given our past. I don't know what will happen, maybe it will be right, maybe it will all come crashing down in front of me.

 

I think because of everything that's happened between the two of us, I feel as though he should be here. I feel as though he should be trying to make up for lost time. On the other hand, nothing can, nor should it be rushed. I know things are happening in his life right now and I appreciate and respect that. I am grateful he is here at all.

 

I guess I don't know where, if anywhere at all, this can go. I'm scared and happy. I can tell you the bounce I lost has come back into my life and I smile again for no reason.

[WTRanger]

That's good to hear your bounce is back. The real key is to try to not let things build up in your head. Try not to think of an outcome that cannot happen in reality. Try to stay grounded in the realm of the real world. That can be hard, I know. I'm always letting things build up and then when or if they ever happen they are almost always not up to my expectations.

 

It's hard because you don't know if you are living on false hope. You can't expect this person to one day wake up and realize that they do indeed have feelings for you. It could happen, but more than likely it won't. I hope the best for you in this situation,.