Do you think it's worth a try??

[lazcat]

I have a unique situation - I was in London for 2 weeks with work and while there I met an amazing man who I totally connected with. We spent lots of time together ecause we were working together, and romance blossomed. We really got to know each other, and it seemed like our connection was real. We're both in our 30's, so we're not kids anymore and I think we're both able to recognize something real when it's there. We didn't discuss having a LDR at all - and I didn't want to freak him out or push him away by bringing it up..but clearly we really liked each other a lot. I came back to the US, where I live (NYC), and we have emailed a bit here and there. He said he may come to NY this summer to visit, but I'm not sure he will. I really like this guy and feel he is perfect for me..I would be willing to do a LDR with him with the eventual goal of moving to London if the relationship progresses to a deeper level. But I have not been able to convey any of this to him because I am scared it will push him away. Really what I want is for him to approach me about this possibility. London/NY is long distance, for sure, but it doesn't seem impossible to me, and I'd be willing to try it.

 

Anyone have any experience with that scenario or have any opinion on how I should proceed? I get the feeling he wants to keep me in his life as a friend, but it was VERY clear he likes me as more than a friend, as things got physical between us in a very intense way. There is real chemistry between us and mutual respect, understanding and admiration. I think we have the building blocks for a fulfilling relationship, and I am totally willing to move there. He just doesn't know that about me...(my willingness to try this and make it work..). Help!!

[Island Girl]

I have a unique situation - I was in London for 2 weeks with work and while there I met an amazing man who I totally connected with. We spent lots of time together ecause we were working together, and romance blossomed. We really got to know each other, and it seemed like our connection was real.

 

I would agree that in a couple of weeks things moved along quickly.

Certainly you get along professionally, intellectually, and that chemistry must have been there. Mmmmmmagic!

 

We're both in our 30's, so we're not kids anymore and I think we're both able to recognize something real when it's there. We didn't discuss having a LDR at all - and I didn't want to freak him out or push him away by bringing it up..but clearly we really liked each other a lot.

 

Well, since you are both in your 30s you are familiar with broaching subjects or exploring the territory of "what if's".

I guess I am surprised you just never said anything before you left.

I get that you didn't want to freak him out. But there are ways to figure out what he thinks about a relationship - LDRs in general, etc. that are just conversations and not specific.

 

 

I came back to the US, where I live (NYC), and we have emailed a bit here and there.

 

The "e-mailed a bit here and there" is what stands out to me.

If he is interested in any kind of a relationship other than friends he doesn't seem to be showing it.

Of course I do not know what the e-mails say.

If they are flirty and leading that is a great sign.

If they are general friend stuff - not so much.

 

He said he may come to NY this summer to visit, but I'm not sure he will.

 

If he said he "may" then he isn't sure about it either.

 

He could be waiting to see how welcoming you'd be if he did. And that could be both a good or a bad thing.

 

Good if he is feeling as you are about the connection and wishing there could be more from it.

 

Bad if he is just thinking he could have a great no strings attached vacation with a girl he finds hot and attractive.

 

I really like this guy and feel he is perfect for me..I would be willing to do a LDR with him with the eventual goal of moving to London if the relationship progresses to a deeper level.

 

So what you CAN do is step up the e-mail contact. A bit more contact and possibly more "getting to know you" questions, etc.

Do you have his phone number? You could just pick up the phone and call once the e-mail gets a bit more regular.

OR, if you aren't comfortable with that (and it could be awkward I'll give you that) maybe you can e-mail a bit more regularly and then ask if he has an MSN, yahoo, or AIM ID. Maybe he has Skype.

But if this is the case you can start chatting and just have some fun talking to each other that way.

 

 

But I have not been able to convey any of this to him because I am scared it will push him away. Really what I want is for him to approach me about this possibility. London/NY is long distance, for sure, but it doesn't seem impossible to me, and I'd be willing to try it.

 

You are thinking of it and we don't know that he is.

 

So, as it stands right now, he isn't going to approach it.

 

But if the contact picks up and you start chatting more, and/or if you get things going and he is coming for a visit you may be able to get on the same page with all of this.

 

Anyone have any experience with that scenario or have any opinion on how I should proceed? I get the feeling he wants to keep me in his life as a friend, but it was VERY clear he likes me as more than a friend, as things got physical between us in a very intense way. There is real chemistry between us and mutual respect, understanding and admiration. I think we have the building blocks for a fulfilling relationship, and I am totally willing to move there. He just doesn't know that about me...(my willingness to try this and make it work..). Help!!

 

Well, I hope that did help somewhat.

 

At the very least I hope it sparked some idea in you about how to increase contact so you can see if a relationship is a possibility.

 

He is in his 30s. So he may realize that spark doesn't happen all that often.

 

I wish you the best! -- and welcome to LS!

 

 

Island Girl

[Mountainlove]

Hello,

 

I am in a very similar relationship. I met my boyfriend on a holiday and he is living in Canada and myself in the UK. After we met on holiday we both felt that there was something special and first decided that we are going to visit each other. We e-mailed every day for the first two months until I booked a flight and went to see him for a week. Things worked out very well and we still e-mail each oher and I have my next flight over booked already.

 

Me and him did not discuss having a LDR at first it just happened. But we were both very honest over e-mail about our feelings (can be scary at first) but it helped him and myself see that there is more and give hope.

 

As a suggestion I would say e-mail the guy and tell him that you like him and would like to see him again and wait what his response it. I would not directly talk about a LDR - this will come up anyway at some point and you don't want to scare him away just now :-)

 

It is possible but it is hard at the same time but so far I did not regret starting my LDR.

 

Good luck!!!!

[Island Girl]

We e-mailed every day for the first two months until I booked a flight and went to see him for a week.

 

This is what I see as the difference in the situation.

 

And at present it is difficult to say whether he isn't pursuing like this because of lack of interest or if he is unsure about how the OP is feeling about it all.

 

Hopefully a bit more contact will point in one direction or the other.

[lazcat]

Thanks for the responses, ladies. Just to clarify a few points: Email contact has been pretty regular but he does not have internet at home, so can only email me from work. He is sort of a technophobe and I mentioned Skype early on but he didn't seem to want to go that route. I did tell him before I left London that I DO want him to come visit me and that he could stay with me when he visits, and he said several times that he would like to take me up on the offer. It hasn't been mentioned again via email, however. I do wish he would email more frequently, but he does have a busy job and I guess this is just how it is right now. I don't think all hope is lost - his birthday is next Friday and I sent him a care package from the US. I will also surprise him with a birthday phone call next week just to say Happy Birthday and wish him well. I don't want to come on too strong and that's where my paranoia comes from. I think I've scared other guys off in the past by trying to make things happen too quickly. I guess the reality is that if something is meant to be, it will be. I like reading the other stories on this site because it gives me hope that a LDR is possible to make work...but it seems like in my case it's very up in the air. I guess only time will tell. Thanks again for the advice.

 

-G

[Island Girl]

I think it's great and thoughtful that you sent him a care package.

 

And a call on his birthday just shows him you remembered - it isn't like you are proposing. LOL

 

You are showing interest and you are interested. So that part is great.

 

Weird he doesn't have internet at home. I thought in this day and age everyone did. I mean my mom is 75 and she does.

 

How do the e-mails seem to be going? I mean is the overall tone of them just friendly or is there more to them?

Are you using it as a means to get to know each other better or are they kind of general friendly ones?

 

Do you know if he has ever had a relationship that had any distance involved? Or how he feels about them?

 

LDRs are tough but can be really rewarding as well. So try not to get discouraged by the distance.

[lazcat]

Well he says he is subletting an apartment so he can't add any new utilities, like internet access. I believe him. He only emails from work, so the emails haven't been raunchy or "spicy" but there have been a few tastefully-worded suggestive comments, which lead me to believe he still thinks of me as more than a friend. He doesn't seem to be taking things any further than that for now, though. Maybe when he gets the birthday package he'll think about me again and more seriously about coming to visit this summer, as he hinted he would do. I am not going to call though - I'll wait to see if he contacts me in reaction to the package. This is a tough situation. I really like this person and we totally connect on every level. From what I know of him, he is my dream man...I just wish he would think to give us a chance. He is a scientist, so very practical and level-headed, and he probably rationalizes that since I live in NY, it's not logical to have a relationship with me. Meanwhile, I would totally do the LDR thing with him! I am able to fly out to London periodically anyway..it's not like I'd never be able to see him. Why can't he just go with the connection we have? It's so frustrating!!

[3dfan]

I had an experience of LDR and didn't like it because phone conversations can't replace live communication and there appears problems with trust sooner or later and this leads to the end, however some people can have LDR and like such relationship, I guess it depends on individual attittude

[3dfan]

LDR is wrong kind of relationship I became so sure after the failed LDR of my dear friend

[Island Girl]

LDR is wrong kind of relationship I became so sure after the failed LDR of my dear friend

 

Since you are so sure I'd advise against you getting into one again.

 

I guess if you find the love of your life and circumstances dictate you being separated by distance for any length of time you should definitely break it off and hope against all odds that lightening strikes twice.

 

As for me, I prefer to hang on just as he does. Come hell or high water, distance, circumstances, come what may we'll stick it out because we know this kind of love just doesn't happen for most people.

 

Heck if I lived by the example of those around me I'd have found dating completely useless and marriage a novelty!

 

I am so glad I make my own way and make my choices based on my own experience. Otherwise I surely wouldn't have what I do now.

 

Worthwhile? I believe your prior post was correct 3dfan.

 

It depends on the individual attitude.

 

CHEERS!

 

Island Girl

[Tizzy]

How can you say that a stranger you only met once for a couple of weeks while you were working together is your dream man and perfect for you? You don't even know him. You're already talking about moving to the UK if need be? Wow. This man has not given you a single reason to think he's interested in something serious, yet you have completely run with the idea of the possibility that you could have something great with him. I just don't see it. I personally would take it for what it was--a good time--and see him when I see him. If he visits you in NY, great, but if not no sweat off your back. Life goes on! You have no idea who this guy really is and chances are he is not the Prince Charming you've made him out to be in your mind.

[Thornton]

I think an LDR such as this could work, if both of you were committed to it. However it doesn't seem like he's prepared to put in much effort. He isn't keen to talk on Skype, hasn't made any promises about visiting, and he hasn't made an effort to get internet at home (even if he's subletting, I'm sure they wouldn't mind if he paid out of his own pocket to have an internet connection, and tbh most people have internet at home already anyway, and wouldn't rent a place if it didn't have internet). Besides, if he was SO keen on you he could call you in his lunch break, or text you (which literally costs pennies). He could even get one of those international calling cards which allows you to call UK-USA any time of day for 4p per minute (about 7 cents/min).

 

The fact is, this man is maintaining an email friendship with you but has given no indication that he would be interested in or committed to anything beyond that. He isn't making a great deal of effort to keep in touch, and has made no promises about visiting. By all means keep emailing this man and see if he does eventually reciprocate your interest, but don't get your hopes up because it doesn't sound good.

 

I know exactly how you feel; I once met someone from another country through work and we spent one week together, I thought he was Mr Perfect and he was the most handsome intellgent guy I had ever met. I was totally smitten with him and within a few days I was having thoughts of moving to his country to be with him, getting married and living happily ever after, etc. I really thought he was into me because he said I was the most beautiful creature he ever saw and I was perfect for him, he said he couldn't stop thinking about me, he never felt so good about someone before, and we had so much in common... But I was the one making all the effort, and as the weeks passed he made less and less effort to call me or return my emails. I felt like I was constantly chasing after him, begging for him to give me some of his time. Needless to say, he broke up with me because he felt that he couldn't handle an LDR. Mr Perfect later turned out to have A GIRLFRIEND! (who he broke up with a few months after we split, but that's beside the point).

 

I still disagree with his view that LDRs are too much effort, I think if you love someone you'll do anything rather than lose them; the only people who find LDRs to be too much effort are the people who think you're replaceable. The one good thing that came out of that relationship was that I'd opened my mind to living in another country, and I decided I wanted to emigrate even if I wasn't with him. I started doing some research and connecting with people online, and by chance I met someone really great who (by some weird twist of fate) lives only a couple of hundred miles down the road from my ex-LDR! We plan to marry next year (which just proves that my ex was an idiot cheating waste of space, and this sort of LDR can work).

 

If you feel that you want to move to London, you don't need this man in order to be able to do it. Plus there's a whole country of handsome British guys who would jump at the chance to date a sexy American! Can you separate your feelings for him from your desire to move to the UK and marry a British man? Or is the idea of emigrating and marrying him part of the attraction? (because that's something that could be recaptured with someone else who's more willing to work on a relationship with you).