TormentedSoul Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 I dont really know where to begin. I met my wife online 3 years ago. We were worlds apart distance wise but seem to connect very strongly online...we talked for hours every night averaging 6-8 hours a night. It was a very strange beginning...i was single, unattached...she was living with a guy for around 7 years. Initially i was too busy enjoying this woman's company to ask too many questions regarding her relationship with this man....though i must confess that human nature made me feel guilty as i started to develop feelings for my wife online while at the same time she would praise her current partner. During our chats online we both agreed that we were falling for each other and she told me that she was going to see some friends some distance away from her...she told me she was using this time to sort out how she was going to tell her ex that she wanted to be with me. It seemed logical and feasible. During our marriage she then told me that the people she visited that time were people she had met online...a mother and a son... and when she went to visit them the mother worked at a motel and after lots of talking one night in the motel room the son fell asleep and she stayed in the same room with him but nothing happened. I remember strongly that i didn't know that these people she was meeting were people she had never met before. Anyway it progressed to us eventually meeting and eventually marrying. While online she had mentioned in mid conversation that she'd been in a 3-some. . . i thought no more of it. On our second visit she told me that she had 2 threesomes within 2 or 3 months of each other and the last one had been after we had started to chat online. I dont know why exactly but i was devasated. As we talked more i became more and more bogged down in her past...she had had a lot of sexual partners from an early age....she suffered a miscarriage early in her adult life and had an abortion within 18 months of meeting me for the first time. She told me of being raped at around 16 and again a year later but more severely by the same man and this time with a woman too. Again i got bogged down with her past...and it seemed the more she told me the more angry i got and yet the more i wanted to know details. I was obsessed. Anyway during the course of our marriage little sexual things from her past were filtered down to me by her. I begged her a million times to just tell me everything at once so i could face it once and deal with it. But she didnt do that way...after my initial angry response about the timing of her latest 3 some...she became wary of telling me anything sexual about her past...no matter how much i told her i needed to know. It has now got to the stage that what was 2 3somes is actually 4 or 5 threesomes...with the same two guys...her ex and his mate. She tells me these threesomes made her feel like she was being raped...yet she kept going back for more...how can this be??? Before the first threesome she had sex with her ex's mate while her ex was in the house. She also had some form of relationship with a man who was over 40 years older than her...she claims it was just a platonic thing. I am completely devastated by all this as i cant find my way to believing her stories as they require a maximum leap of faith. She told me that her ex treated her like dirt and she only slept with his mate to see if her ex would actually allow it to happen...he did...and they had x amount of threesomes thereafter. And during all this i came along. I love my wife very much...i know a past is just that...a past....but oh my God i have so much to deal with to believe her and i have images in my head which have ruined/devastated our sex life. And while repulsed at the images involved i find myself needing to know more and more...but she has closed up and wont discuss her sexual past anymore. I have only recently went online and did some research and found out that there is a name for what i am going through...retro active jealousy. At once it makes me feel dirty for thinking thoughts and seeing images of her sexually with these men. And yet i somehow need and want to know more. I'm beginning to think i actually desire to know more. I'm so messed up with feelings and our relationship is going downhill in a serious way...and when i try to bring up the subject she just sits firm and says she doesn't want to revisit those places in her mind again....and yet when i ask her if she has any demons she contradicts this by saying she has no demons...if she has no demons...why not indulge me and answer any question i have....i would answer any question she would ask me. I know we both have a problem but ultimately i bring it down to this...i need to know and she wont even go down that road. To me anything less than giving 100% to your partner is not enough....i feel we are ready for a split...i dont know what to do...i would deeply appreciate anyone's serious thoughts on this matter. Am i a fool for believing her? Does she love me enough if she wont open up on sexual matters yet proclaims she is free of demons? Someone please help! Link to post Share on other sites
OldEurope Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 First of all, do write in paragraphs. Secondly, please do something about your self esteem. Where is your sense of self worth and dignity? This woman has extreme psychological problems and you cannot stay married to her. Why you married her is beyond me, but obviously your self respect is in deep need of repair. There is nothing to say here. She is incapable of love because she is entirely a lost soul. Get out as soon as possible OE Link to post Share on other sites
manugeorge Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 Judging from what you've written, I'm not sure this is so much about her sexual past as it is about you marrying someone you don't know. While the past may be the past, history does help create a better and more complete view of the present. How long did you correspond online? When did you meet each other face to face? How long and how much did you date in person before getting married? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TormentedSoul Posted May 11, 2009 Author Share Posted May 11, 2009 Sorry about the paragraphs...new at this. We talked around 40 to 50 hours a week for nearly a year before meeting. We then married a year later after being together for that long. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 Sorry about the paragraphs...new at this. We talked around 40 to 50 hours a week for nearly a year before meeting. We then married a year later after being together for that long. First... You should have known all this crap BEFORE you got married. If you did, then it's time you just get over it. Start some therapy or something if you have to. Bottom line is that you seem to be looking for details. I think you have a sick obsession and your kind of getting off on it mentally. If I was in your place however, and she failed to disclose this crap before we got married... I'd file divorce. This woman is gross. Link to post Share on other sites
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