**********You wont believe this*********

[Soul Bear]

My recent revelation: Anything shy of abuse, you don't need advice for. If you care enough to ask for advice, you don't need it. Seriously, just be honest, open, and vulnerable and take what you get. Be yourself.

 

I realized that it doesn't work when you are acting out someone else's version of what is right for you. It is inauthentic and you don't get want you want because you are not following your heart.

 

Geez, I wish I had thought about this sooner. I mean all this NC and maintain your power mess is bull. It is completely manipulative. You have no power if you can't even express your truth. Ineffective, inconsistent communication kills love.

 

I forgive myself for listening to all the bad advice over the years and not following my heart. It was my decision to yield my responsibilities to others. It wasn't anyone else's choice to make. It's really sad because all I have are questions now, and it is beyond too late for me and my ex.

 

The funniest thing is that I ended our relationship, yet my heart remains with him. The next time I fall in love I am going to keep communicating. You create your world through language so why keep quiet. Always express yourself.

 

 

YES!!! thats it! EXACTLY! Well done you. Seriously, im proud of you. It takes courage to realise this. There are few and far between people on here that agree with us, but You are spot on.

 

Peace and Light

Soul Bear

[Art_Critic]

There are few and far between people on here that agree with us, but You are spot on.

 

There is a reason for that... think about it...

[Soul Bear]

There is a reason for that... think about it...

 

 

I have, and my conclusion is that NONE OF YOU actually got back with your ex....did you?

Or did you just give up and go NC?

 

For me its different

 

As it is for every individual on here:D

[drummerprince81]

I'm with you too Soul Bear. I really wish you all the best dude!

 

But I just don't even know how to approach my ex. And I kind of screwed up in my last contact 3 weeks ago so I feel like I need to make amends just for that. Its 11 weeks today since me and my ex broke-up, and I've barely heard a peep from her; only once has she made any effort to contact me. She was my first love, and me hers. And its been 12 weeks today since she told me how much she loved me after we kissed really passionately. I'm hurting so bad.

[Soul Bear]

I'm with you too Soul Bear. I really wish you all the best dude!

 

But I just don't even know how to approach my ex. And I kind of screwed up in my last contact 3 weeks ago so I feel like I need to make amends just for that. Its 11 weeks today since me and my ex broke-up, and I've barely heard a peep from her; only once has she made any effort to contact me. She was my first love, and me hers. And its been 12 weeks today since she told me how much she loved me after we kissed really passionately. I'm hurting so bad.

 

 

You need to get in touch! NOW! If you love this girl, prove it to her.

YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO. The answer is inside of you man. Go back to the begining of this thread and read my first few posts again. Then look inside YOURSELF.

Peace be with you bro

 

 

SoulBear

[Art_Critic]

I have, and my conclusion is that NONE OF YOU actually got back with your ex....did you?

Or did you just give up and go NC?

 

For me its different

 

As it is for every individual on here:D

 

No, it is that.. it is that we moved on and realized that you move forward with your life and don't include the toxic relationships that we all have along the way...

You are supposed to learn from your mistakes.

 

I have had many ex's... if each had come back into my life I wouldn't have met the other, and I wouldn't have grown in each of those relationships.

 

I also would not have met my wife if any of my ex's had kept coming back into my life..

 

Dude.. I know your heartbroken but your future isn't in the past, you have to just do NC, heal and move on.. if there is to be a future with your ex you must still do the same..

[Soul Bear]

Im not heartbroken, my heart is mended. I feel stronger, wiser better and learned from my mistakes. Of course i am still missing her, but its been a GREAT lessons learned for me.

 

The difference is, that we did not have a toxic relationship, it was beautiful. seriously. It was me who became toxic from my resentment- from living in the past.

 

This is a double edged sword.

If YOU FELL that you have to keep going with this woman/man, then YOU DO THAT.

If YOU FEEL you want to go NC and move on, then YOU DO THAT.

 

 

We are all different here. Im justvtrying to help people figure out for themselves what they should do. Rather can go on strict 'game plans' of how to 'win back' and heal etc.

 

When you find your own path, you will heal and do as you are meant to in your own time

[Art_Critic]

Im not heartbroken, my heart is mended. I feel stronger, wiser better and learned from my mistakes. Of course i am still missing her, but its been a GREAT lessons learned for me.

 

Great.. Take that lesson learned and make the next new girl in your life the benefactor of your lessons learned.. that is what dating and relationships are all about...

 

You can't find out what your are looking for if you don't learn anything from the relationships..

If you eff'd up that relationship then you need to be man enough to do some self introspection and fix those issues ( which it sounds like you did ) and then forgive yourself and stop trying to show the other person that you are fixed now and they should come back to you.. ( Which you haven't done yet.. but will in enough time )

 

Live and learn...

[Soul Bear]

stop trying to show the other person that you are fixed now and they should come back to you..

 

 

Its not a case of trying to show them they should come back.

Its a case of me showing myself that I am worth the love we have.

 

I met this girl on a rebound after 3 weeks of my previous ex cheating on me. After 2 weeks we feel in LOVE, totally head over heals, after 2 months we were engaged. There is a feeling in my gut that we are meant to be. I am not going to give up on that. 4.5 years of bliss doesnt come easy, its the last 2 months of our R that I got wierd.

 

I know you are looking out for my nest interest, and i appreciate it, but in my heart, i know that we are meant to be. If its meant to be it will be, im not going to push her to come back. It will happen in its own time. I guarantee it:)

[carhill]

Are you still posting here?

 

If you must, read the comments, but push back from here. Your heart is not mended and you know it. Stop thinking this and process the feelings.

[drummerprince81]

Hey Soul Bear

 

So what is the latest between you and your ex? What was your last exchange? And if you don't mind me asking, how old are you and your ex?

My situation is similar to yours except that we were not engaged, and we were together for only 22 months. The first 18 months were phenomenal, and then we began to settle down as normal couples do. In our last 7 weeks together we had a couple of big life issues, and I was being really distant with her at times, whereas normally I'd be all over her, because she loved the attention I gave her. I just feel like we are so perfect for each other. In fact, 6 months ago I would have believed she thought that more than me. She wants to leave things as they are, but I know my ex inside and out and know that she can be stubborn and doesn't like challenges, as in fighting for what we had. We had such an emotional connection, but even though I can't fight it on my own, I never want to let go of her because I know she is the one for me. But there isn't much I can do right, and a hell of a lot I can do wrong.

 

So, sorry to jump on your thread! I just don't know how to approach my ex...I haven't called her once during the break up and I feel like a phone call would be strange perhaps now. I've only contacted her via text messages a few times, a letter, and me leaving a special present at her house in the beginning.

[Soul Bear]

Are you still posting here?

 

If you must, read the comments, but push back from here. Your heart is not mended and you know it. Stop thinking this and process the feelings.

 

I know, I cant help it!!

 

My heart is not mended, but my MIND and SOUL are. If that makes sense.

I just cant seem to stay away for more than 24 hours at a time....

 

 

DP-

We were together for 4.5 years. Im mid 20's so is she.

Ifr you want to give your ex a call then DO IT.

I have been in contact throughout our breakup, some good some bad. Its getting better tho, the contact between us. She has ALWAYS replied to my emails and phonecalls throughout. Even if its not been what i wanted to hear at the time.

She returns to this country in a few days, and i will have to meet with her as I have mail here for her etc.

She is quite happy to meet up with me too.

The last contact between us was an exchange of applogies and forgiving each other. Just taking it REAL SLOW like

 

If you have that feeling, then i suggest ytou act on it Drummer Prince. Dont let her go

Its going to be a loooong process, but it will pay off.

 

Also read this from

Originally Posted by LovesHangover

My recent revelation: Anything shy of abuse, you don't need advice for. If you care enough to ask for advice, you don't need it. Seriously, just be honest, open, and vulnerable and take what you get. Be yourself.

 

I realized that it doesn't work when you are acting out someone else's version of what is right for you. It is inauthentic and you don't get want you want because you are not following your heart.

 

Geez, I wish I had thought about this sooner. I mean all this NC and maintain your power mess is bull. It is completely manipulative. You have no power if you can't even express your truth. Ineffective, inconsistent communication kills love.

 

I forgive myself for listening to all the bad advice over the years and not following my heart. It was my decision to yield my responsibilities to others. It wasn't anyone else's choice to make. It's really sad because all I have are questions now, and it is beyond too late for me and my ex.

 

The funniest thing is that I ended our relationship, yet my heart remains with him. The next time I fall in love I am going to keep communicating. You create your world through language so why keep quiet. Always express yourself.

 

 

Now that is some good advice. And that is coming from someone who is a DUMPER NOT A DUMPEE, already moved on and wished they done things different. Sorry folks, but this one speaks for itself here.

[Art_Critic]

Now that is some good advice. And that is coming from someone who is a DUMPER NOT A DUMPEE, already moved on and wished they done things different. Sorry folks, but this one speaks for itself here.

 

Just for reference SB.. I have been both the dumper and the dumpee thorough out my 46 years on this earth...

 

You are only hearing what you want to hear and it just so happens the people who you are listening to are the ones telling you to contact her.. to keep up what you are doing and not do NC..

 

Honestly you are right that everyone is different but I will tell you that all breakups follow patterns and there are only so many patterns out there and from what I seen in most breakups NC is the best way to heal and move on..

 

You mentioned that your heart isn't healed yet.. well do NC and your heart will start to heal and when it does you will be ready for another relationship..even if that other relationship is with your ex, unless you heal your heart a relationship with your ex will fail..

 

JMO..

 

Take Care SB..

[Soul Bear]

At first i did listen to everything that everyone had to say.

But now your right, i do only hear what i want to. And this is because Its what i feel i have to do. I have found my path, and I am sticking to it. I broke NC on my own terms as it didnt feel right.

I wont let my mind or heart be lead astray from what i think is right.

 

NC to me is not what I feel is right for my sitt.

For many others out there it can help.

 

Ill admit, writing back to you is a CHALLENGE! I DO appreciate your input, truly i do. :]

Have you ever thought of being a lawyer ArtCritic?

 

 

Your head can often fool you. It is better to listen to your heart. The difference is that your head is the voice of reason and will lead you safely, but your heart will lead you to complete your dreams, even if it is not the safest way to go....Our heads tune out the real messages and reinterpret what we hear. To listen with your heart requires a different kind of listening

[Trialbyfire]

Soul Bear, I'm not going to try to cram NC down your throat. Do whatever you need to do. Keep in mind though, that most often, NC is the shortest and fastest way to healing, if people are determined to use it to move on. When it's used as a game of ego/pride, it can be the most hurtful too, since people battle themselves, holding on by wishing and hoping and yet, gritting their teeth and not contacting.

 

No matter what you do, if the other person doesn't want to be with you, it's going to hurt. Conceptually, NC is like going cold turkey to an addiction. Rip out your soul pain at the beginning which is like cauterizing a wound, then the healing process after that. If you don't cauterize a wound, it sometimes infects and continues to fester.

 

I'm primarily a dumper.

[Art_Critic]

And this is because Its what i feel i have to do. I have found my path, and I am sticking to it.

 

Nothing wrong with that dude.. I myself am the same at times..

 

The relationship that brought me to LS was one like you are dealing with..

but I continued along the path of ignoring NC till I had exhausted all my resources.. in a sense I took the going down in burning flames path..

 

I look back at that and just shake my head at the things I did to try and get that person to see things my way..

I had given her all the power and control over my mind and had also pretty much made a fool out of myself..

 

Thank god she never took me back... all in hindsight of course..

but I am so glad she didn't.. in reality she wasn't all that nice of a person and someone else came into my life and showed me why it hadn't worked out with anyone else..

[Dexter Morgan]

Whether you like it or not, thats what i have done, and im telling you, it takes more of a man to do that than it does to play silluy little games to get them back.

 

I agree, but what is "silly" about NC?

 

 

Its not about a power struggle and acerting your dominance. Not in my case anyway. There are alot of single, bitter, angry men on this site......

 

What about us guys who don't want them back? Are we bitter because we don't feel the need to call them up an tell them we forgive them?

 

I simply have no desire. Someone cheats on me, I just leave. No groveling, no trying to get them back(why the hell would I want to?)...just leave and never look back.

 

If thats bitter, then I'd say some woman has your balls in a jar of formaldehyde somewhere thinking to herself "I own him".

[Soul Bear]

I agree, but what is "silly" about NC?

 

 

 

 

What about us guys who don't want them back? Are we bitter because we don't feel the need to call them up an tell them we forgive them?

 

I simply have no desire. Someone cheats on me, I just leave. No groveling, no trying to get them back(why the hell would I want to?)...just leave and never look back.

 

If thats bitter, then I'd say some woman has your balls in a jar of formaldehyde somewhere thinking to herself "I own him".

 

No one cheated on me?!

My PREVIOUS ex cheated on me, not my current one. I wouldnt give my previous one the time of day after that. Cheating is wrong.

 

And you are not bitter if you dont want to call them back. Thats your choice. I chose to not go that path

[Soul Bear]

I agree, but what is "silly" about NC?

 

 

 

 

What about us guys who don't want them back? Are we bitter because we don't feel the need to call them up an tell them we forgive them?

 

 

 

That doesnt make you bitter at all. It just obviously means that they wronged you and you want someone better. As i said, we are all in different situations here- My ex never wronged me at all.

 

 

As for NC, i dont think it is good for an extended period of time. Maybe a week or so and then LC thereafter.

But NC? That I would use for MOVING ON, healing and finding som,eone else. Those are not my intentions.

 

My intentions are to search my bear soul, which i have done, figure things out and try to be a better person.

[ATR]

Reposted from the other thread. Thought it's probably better in this one:p

 

Soul Bear.

 

You admitted that you ****ed up, learn from this and move on.

 

Leave her be, let her find a man that will treat her 100% right.

Also, from your side, what is the point in running after something that doesn't want to get caught.

 

They way i look at it.

A relationship is like a vase, when you first buy it it's beautiful and you put it on the mantlepiece to show everyone about it.

However when the vase is broken (the break up), it can never be restored to it's original state (once it's broken it's broken). The relationship could never be perfected again. So it is best to go out and buy a new beautiful vase (get a new girl).

 

You say that you know how she feels. No. You do not.

You may think you know how she feels but that could be completely different from what she is actually thinking.

Also you say you are not playing games, well you might be to her. She may see your "honest opinion" as a plan to get her back, which she has to figure out on her own. If you force her back, like you are doing now. If you ever got a second chance, it would fail.

 

What is the point in running after "true love". When you can re-create "true love" again with all the millions of other females on this planet.

 

My view is that you are wasting your time.

[Dexter Morgan]

No one cheated on me?!

 

did I say nobody did cheat on you??

[Lisalisa2]

I can't imagine not having my ex in my life, but then again, I never thought he would end it. I am 6 months out of a 10 year relationship. We have both said we forgive each other, but I am still not ready to him with someone else, and he is with someone else.

 

So we are NC, or at least I am not contacting him.

 

I don't know what the right thing to do is. I still miss him everyday and have up and down moments. Still cry on my way home sometimes. Truly letting go is hard. I hope I can.

[Lisalisa2]

I agree that you do not know what your ex is thinking.

 

NC is hard because I still want him. But NC is what I have to do, because he made his choice to leave. He knew what he was doing. He didn't want counselling.

 

I respond to any contact he makes, but I no longer give more than he is willing to give. And that seems to be a friendly chat online. So I am online less as that is not what I want our relationship to be.

 

This is so screwed up after 10 years, but I don't know what to do.

[seductress989]

Soul Bear,

 

Hey buddy, I feel so bad for you. You seem like such a nice, honest person. A lot like my ex who says he forgives me all the time in his texts. *It doesn't make me want him back when he does either*

 

Have you ever did NC with any of your other exes? NOT doing NC is easy for everyone......but nothing is accomplished that way. I give NC the credit for allowing me to grow inside and it is something that strengthened my being.

 

Without doing NC, I would have never met or experienced all that I have in my life and I truly recommend it. There were many times during the 2 months of doing NC that I thought I couldn't live without the other person since I dumped them lol. But.......at the end of 60 days I was ALWAYS glad that I did complete NC. It's beautiful how i grew and changed and was so excited to meet someone new at the end of the process.

 

If you don't try it you will never know what opportunities are out there waiting for you...................................................