rbx Posted May 12, 2009 Share Posted May 12, 2009 My fiancée and I have been together a bit over three and a half years. I have been having some thoughts of breaking our engagement. Since we have moved in together less then a year ago. Then we got engaged six months into us moving in together. I would have hoped that thing would have coming together after we moved in together and then with the Engagement but it has not. I just don't know how deal anymore with all the self esteem issues, her feeling like her parents are controlling her (which I don't see what so ever - It's not like she needs her parents to support (money wise) her or anything), feeling like she can't do anything right (Even with I try to encouraging her all the time), and slamming thing all around the house when she upset, getting mad at every little thing , and lastly talking about hurting herself. Then on top of all of that she got into a big fight with her family at a time here was a major medical issue with one of here parents. I'm just stressed and tired of trying to deal with all the issues. I've suggested counseling but - she want's no part of that. any suggested or anything I would try? I'm lost - rbx rbx Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted May 12, 2009 Share Posted May 12, 2009 Well Rbx, You know that getting married isn't going to act like a bandage to magically fix her. Marriage doesn't make things easier. (and weddings can be stressful!) You are right to question whether you are doing the right thing before you get married- if you have doubts now, you need to work them out now. It sounds like your fiancee uses you as an emotional punching bag for all her sh*t, and it has to stop if you have a hope of having a successful marriage. Unfortunately, (and I have been in your fiancees shoes) when you have low self esteem like that, it can take a long time to turn it around, and nobody else can get you out of it. No matter how supportive and loving YOU are, your fiancee will probably continue to believe she is unworthy and take that out on you. Its time for tough love with her- she needs to know how you feel. She needs to know that her sh*t is causing you to have doubts. I don't think its unreasonable for you to ask her to have counselling as a condition of your engagement. Others may disagree- but I think unless she is truly happy with herself, she has less of a chance being happy with you (or in the other relationships she has) Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted May 12, 2009 Share Posted May 12, 2009 I agree with sb that she can't really be happy in a relationship until she is happy with herself. I struggle with self esteem as well and I know that my boyfriend has had to work with me on it. I think you need to talk to her but you need to do it in a non-threatening way that won't make her feel like crap. I know that when my boyfriend gets frustrated when I get emotional it doesn't help me to calm down or change my behavior..it makes things worse. I know how your fiance feels and telling her that you have doubts about marrying her may send her off the deep end. It's gonna slam her believe me. You can say that, however in a way that shows both love and understanding. I'm a lot like your fiance (minum the threat of hurting myself) so I know what she is feeling. My suggestion (and talk to her about this): Be her "anxiety coach." Whenever she feels stressed or upset sit down and talk to her and try to come up with some kind of solution to the problem. Try to talk her down and reassure her that you love her and will be there for her no matter what. The idea behind that is that she will begin to think about the things that you have suggested each time she gets anxious and start incorporating them into the situation. Bottom line: Do you love her? Are you in it through think and thin? If so then you will do anything to support her (which I'm sure you will do) BUT she will have to accept that support and try to work with you in order to make the relationship work. PLEASE try to be patient and work with her. You are part of it because you are going to marry her so you need to decide if you love her enough to help her through this. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 If she's having thoughts of hurting herself, she needs counselling. Google CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) it'll help her alot. Whatever is going on inside of her, the anger, anxiety, etc, has to be addressed, faced and dealt with. I agree with the others, she needs to fix herself (maybe find herself, who she is) before she can start a life with you. Take it slow..No need to call off the engagement. If you love her, support her, communicate with her..But, if you feel like it's a mistake - You want out and can't see yourself being married, having kids, then definately take some time to think before you end it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rbx Posted May 23, 2009 Author Share Posted May 23, 2009 Thank you all for your kind words - let me get my thougths together and I will post more. Link to post Share on other sites
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