What is going on here? breakup but we still love each other immensely

[hopelesslyconfused]

My fiancee (well ex I guess) just broke up with me this past Sunday. A long story will follow....

 

We started out having a long distance relationship which progressed and then I moved to be where he was. Everything was going pretty well, there were the initial adjustment tensions but we were working through that. I got pregnant right shortly after moving in with him. This was something planned, we aren't a young couple, we are in our early thirties.

 

I found out a family member was very ill with cancer and might die, so I returned to my home state to say goodbye and stay for a couple of months ( I have children and I figured I would stay until the middle of summer. Tragically last Thursday I lost our baby, I was 13 weeks along. I was devastated and I knew it would devastate df but I thought he loved me enough to pull through it. We were a really great couple, I mean best friends in every sense of the word and had a tremendous amount of passion for each other also.

 

I woke up on Sunday morning to a message on facebook telling me that we would have to settle for being close friends. He believes that I am incapable of having another child. Being a father is very important to him. I am sure that I am capable of having another child but he will not accept that. After reading the message I sent him a text asking him to call me. I was distraught, here I am three days after losing our baby and now the love of my life, my best friend is breaking up with me.

 

Of course I panicked and begged him not to do this. Yes, everything I read you aren't supposed to do. But I was still hormonal and grieving and now angry that he had left me at such a bad time. What makes it worse is he says he still loves me.

 

So, after pulling myself together I decided to give him what he wants. I was certain that the decision to break up with me was based in grief over losing our baby. We've told each other we love each other even though we are supposed to just be friends. Its pretty much like nothing has changed in our relationship.

 

Today I decided to distance myself some, you know make him miss me. He got upset when I didn't respond to his texts right away. Then later in the evening I told him I was going out. I simply went out to dinner with a female friend to have some adult conversation. He assumed that I went out on a date and got very, very upset and told me he was very hurt. And then he called me when I got home and we talked like we always do, but we didn't say "I love you" at the end of the conversation, we did last night though.

 

I'm just confused. Does he love me or not? Is this grief or am I being a placeholder? I am having a hard time doing this "friends" thing because him and I were extremely close, I cannot express how close our relationship was/is. I have a hard time not telling him"I love you". Part of me says keep on telling him, the other part of me says "STOP!" I just don't know what to do. I want him back but I don't want to be pushy. I am confused because there really wasn't a good reason he gave me for breaking up with me. He is obviously still very attached to me and got jealous over a perceived date. I think these things show that he still loves me I just don't understand why he downgraded our relationship, especially when I needed him the most.

 

I am supposed to attend his sister's wedding with him in two weeks. He says that we cannot be intimate. His reasoning is we can't risk getting pregnant again. Now, I know that he would love to get pregnant again and have a baby but he is fearful of losing another baby. I just don't know how I can do this. Like I mentioned we were very passionate for each other and after losing our baby I really feel like I need that connection with him. I also think that, that would be the thing that would bring us back together. But honestly I don't want to spend my money going out there if I will just be treated like a friend, that will be too painful. I love this man so much, I cannot imagine life without him yet life just being his friend will be much too painful also.

 

I need advice, words of wisdom, opinions. Should I go to the wedding? Should I distance myself (he says it hurts when I do that, but on the same note it really hurt me that he broke up with me for no reason after I lost our baby)? Should I continue to put myself out there by telling him I love him? I just don't know what road to take at this point.

[Ayla]

Hello,

 

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I can only imagine how you must be feeling. My heart really goes out to you.

 

It is really strange that he broke up with you so suddenly, especially when you have just been through emotional and physical turmoil. I am unsure what made him determine that because you have lost one baby why you would not be able to carry another child full term. Is this based on a doctors diagnosis? I do find this very insensitive of him to break up with you only a few days after the loss of your baby...... facebook???? Infact I find it quite mean.

 

I know that your emotions and hormones are all over the place and will make you extra sensitive- but can I ask whether he was acting any differently whilst you were away? Was he more distant emotionally?

 

Perhaps you can suggest to him that you both visit a professional to get through your loss and to help your relationship? Perhaps then things might be a little clearer.

 

To answer your question about attending the wedding, I know you want to see him, but I strongly suggest you do not attend. You have been through enough hurt for the moment, going to this wedding and having to pretend you are happy just being friends will only cause you more pain.

 

I hope my words have helped you somewhat. I hope that you are as ok as you can be given the situation.

[Ayla]

Also-I wouldn't tell him that you love him anymore. He knows that, he chose to break up with you (and I know it hurts so much) but what you do from here is your decision and his feelings don't count. You need to think of yourself for now...

X

[Tryng2Trust08]

Im sorry for the loss of your baby, thats very devastating :(I suggest you sit down and have a talk with him. You have been through a lot of emotional turmoil and you need to express to him how you feel, no distance yourself. If he really feels as if he doesnt want a relationship with you anymore, maybe just suggest to him you need some space to heal then and hopefully down the road you can become friends again.

Dont be so hard on yourself for panicking, thats a normal reaction, everyone on this board has probably begged at some point in their lives for someone not to do this. You just lost your baby, of course your emotions and hormones are out of whack!

You need to use your best judgment as to going to the wedding or not...I would suggest not going if he truly wants to break up with you.

[leonar]

I am sorry for your lost of the baby and now your BF.

 

But seriously, a BF who acts like that after your incident is not a dependable person. You are in an attachment stage. My advice is you guys talk this out and give him his space, but from his action. He doesn't love you enough to go through this hard time with you.