Tips for Moving On, No Contact

[MagicRat09]

I know there's plenty of threads about this but what's one more? ha

 

My situation is hard because the person I'm moving from on wants me to stay, be a buddy, basically reap the benefits of my adoration without having to reciprocate.

 

 

So I stopped hanging out with her, I blocked her Facebook feed, I don't write her, when she writes me I am polite and brief.

 

 

I am spending time with other people, in counseling, keeping busy with other projects, reading literature and articles to help me move on.

 

And yet, she keeps popping into my head making me sad, angry, occasional tears, bad dreams.

 

 

I know, I know, TIME. But can we help speed that up?

 

Sigh.

[WTRanger]

I hate to say this, but time is a fixed rate. Unless you have a DeLorean that can go 88 miles an hour, you're stuck.

 

I feel for you, as you know I'm in the same boat. I've been 3 weeks with no contact, and overall its been over 3 months of this whole situation and while it's a bit easier it's still very difficult. It's a strange no contact situation too because there was no break-up per say and there are zero bad feelings, no ill-will, etc. So it's hard to mentally assure yourself that the no contact is validated. You start to think, well maybe just a little. But you can't. Again, I'm not advocating no contact forever but it has to be until you can honestly see her as just a friend. The test would be if you saw her on the arm of another man and you only felt slight jealousy but overall it wouldn't affect you.

 

In my case, I'm willing to respond if she contacts me but I've all but stopped contacting her. It had boiled down to I did 100% of the contacting, she'd respond 100% of the time but I grew tired of that lopsided communication style. I'll be the initiator of contact 100% of the time, if we were headed towards a relationship but we weren't. So I don't believe friends should have those lopsided numbers. In a relationship, I'm the guy so I should be the one doing the majority of the perusing. But as friends it should be close to 50/50. Neutral, just like friends.

 

She'll be in your head for a while. The girl is not out of my head. In fact I've been having strange dreams about her, where even in my dreams I can't have her. How sad is that? But it's because she's been on my mind. I try not to think about her, but when downtime comes it's hard not to since she was an important part of my life. Think of the girl in this case and it'll make sense. She's a drug. A very destructive drug and you were hooked on the feeling she gave you. Now, without that drug you are detoxing. You're getting the shakes and right now the cravings are HUGE. But with time, as with rehab, those cravings will soon begin to fade.

 

Keep a journal of your progress, day by day. I do mine in written form that way I can write it anywhere. But I found that helps immensely, rather than contacting her. Post as much as you want on LS, I know every time I feel the urge I post here instead.

 

It just is a crappy situation for you. The girls don't seem to be affected by this at all. It would have been much easier if there would have been a huge fight and then you'd have justification for being angry, for the hate, and for the no contact. But there wasn't. But believe me, it's for the best. Even meeting new people, doing new things, I still tend to think about this girl. But you have to get out there, eventually she'll be a distant memory.

[MagicRat09]

Thank you so much Ranger...that's exactly what's happening in my head. I even woke up shivering last night, and I don't have the flu so you have to wonder...it is like drug withdrawal, it's breaking an addiction.

 

The dreams are there for me too, and I'm actually fearful of downtime, that's when she creeps in of course.

[WTRanger]

Try to actively stop yourself. When you start thinking about her, take a step back, take a deep breath, and tell yourself to "Stop it!" Sometimes you have to convince even your own brain to listen to itself. It's not easy but you have to give it time. There is no quick fix.

 

I have also found that severely limiting my alcohol intake stops me from getting the "Whoa is me's!" as well.

[MagicRat09]

Thanks! Luckily I have great friends and lot of projects and a daily workout regimen, and to come here and talk is indeed a blessing.

[paddington bear]

The advice my friends have given me was to get angry - all said to me 'seriously are you not even a little bit pissed off that this guy never wanted you in that way, but yet kept stringing you along?' and no, couldn't get the anger, was feeling sorry for myself, sorry for not contacting him (I still am feeling bad about that)...but actually I'm finding NC is actually giving me the space to think 'well, hang on a minute here, maybe this guy wasn't all I thought he was' - it's helping me not get sucked back in there.

 

So bearing that in mind I've been told that being downright angry is the only way to actually a) feel justified with the NC b) to actually get over the person as then you go through the rest of those phases until you reach acceptance or, as one friend says, total apathy.

 

Is totally horrible though, I'm with you guys there. I too have had dreams, one of the object of my affection telling me I was hurting him really badly and that he never ever wanted to see me again and in the dreams I felt like my heart had been ripped out...luckily I never hit that stage in reality, I'm veering between stoic acceptance and trying to get angry in order to feel justified and to allow me to move on.

[WTRanger]

I can say that I'm wavering between the anger and fond memories stage. I'm finally able to let myself be angry for the situation. Angry at the lack of her communication, angry at the fact that despite me being honest for once in my life about how I truly feel about someone it's met with an ignoring silence. For a long time I felt I had done something wrong, that I was the one who drove my friend away. I still feel that way sometimes, but I'm slowly starting to realize that no matter what I did I was hosed. If I told her, she runs away. If I hold it in, those feelings will fester inside me and rot me from the core out.

 

Talk about a damned if you do, damned if you don't. I just prayed that the other person in this case could at the very least be honest with me. I guess that one went unanswered.

 

One day, this will all be a distant memory. Until then, we've just got to keep busy and keep moving forward.

[jayOG]

1) I cut contact

2) Chill with friends, keep busy

3) Party as much as possible

4) Work out, endorphins...

[lonelypiscesguy]

Gotta agree with Pad Bear, anger can be very therapeutic. I am at the stage where I am reflecting on how selfless I really was in our relationship, all the while she has convinced herself how selfish I was. Look, I did some jerk moves, calling her when drunk, leaving LA without saying goodbye because I was pissed at her, etc. But as i look back, I was pretty damn good to her, if I may be so bold as to say so! So getting angry over what I think is pretty flimsy material for breaking up with me, coupled with an email that read something like "I'll be honest, I don't want to be with you anymore" and "You shouldn't contact me and I shall not contact you", have left me less than dripping with adoration for her. Should have listened to my first instincts, "Get this train wreck out of your life, man! NOW!" But being in love and under such romantic circumstances was definitely nice. I'll always have a place in my heart for her and I really do hope she'll look me up again, I still think we could be good friends, someday...

[MagicRat09]

She says misses me and wants to see me. I don't know what the hell to do

[WTRanger]

Think about this one. Does she miss you or your attention? I think it might be time to be absolutely clear with this girl. Tell her either we hang out as a means to move forward into a possible relationship or we stop seeing each other for a bit until you can remove her from your head as an object of affection.

 

This sucks as she in unfortunately not making this any easier on you. She is in sense forcing you to be the bad guy because her spine cannot support it. You might just have to take that role. Think about all of the crap, the bad days, the shivers, the chills, the thoughts, the dreams, the daydreaming you have done over this girl. For what? Only for more confusion! Channel that anger into her, not yourself. This will help you see her for who she is and hopefully you can move on from your feelings.

 

I'm not saying you should never be her friend, ever again. I'm saying you need to avoid this one until you no longer have such deep feelings for her. The minimum you can do, is avoid all physical contact with her. That helps to push her image out of your head. The best case is avoid all contact for 30 days and see where that gets you.

[MagicRat09]

Thanks Ranger. Ugh this is HARD! I had very limited contact for a month, that is I didn't write call or see her. We had mutual n/c for 10 days 'til today.

[Charles1978]

MagicRat, it sounds to me that you have an extreme case for sure. All I can say is listen to Ranger about this. I went through the same (although not as severe) thing a few months back, and yes it is hard. I started dating another girl who is beautiful, smart, cool and down to earth. She adores me... her eyes light up when she sees me, and she is happy when we are together. But had I stayed in the funk I was in, I wouldn't have met the girl I am currently dating.

 

I stayed in contact with the other girl, and do to this day. Of course, now that I am seeing another girl, she is desperate to be with me. But I have no interest. In fact, my new problem is that I feel sorry for her. She is single, and now she has lost any opportunity to date me. I saw her last night and she is acting differently and almost desperate. I really do wish she would meet someone else because she is still a friend, and I want her to be happy. I sure am.

[MagicRat09]

I see what you mean Charles.

 

It's pure agony when two people need each other but not in the same way. It means nobody is happy.

[WTRanger]

Charles is right on. Go meet other girls and this one will all of a sudden realize what she doesn't have anymore. Plus, it's better for you.

 

The girl in my case, I still keep in touch with her and I still do really care about her. But I'm also actively out trying just to at least meet other girls. Who knows what I might find? I can tell you that while I still think a lot about the original girl, there is nothing better to take your mind off of her than a great night out on the town with a new girl.

 

Who knows what the future holds?

 

If this was all easy, this forum wouldn't exist....

[MagicRat09]

You guys are so right on. Thanks.

 

It's agonizing though when you wonder if someone misses you, and then they come right out and say "I miss you." And it hasn't even been that long, I have friends I haven't seen for much longer. My heart's just too damn soft haha

[WTRanger]

So I followed Carhill's advice and asked my female "friend only" to set me up with a single friend of her's. Yup, it went exactly as I thought. My "friend only" FLIPPED out at the very thought of her having to see me date someone or give my attention to someone other than her. She actually got very defensive at the notion, which was strange.

 

She said and I quote, "It's not like I don't think you would treat her as good or better than you've treated me and I know you're going to make any girl you're with feel like the most important girl on the planet, becuase when you are around me you've made me feel that way all the time. But I don't know if I could handle seeing you with someone right now. Especially one of my friends. I don't know if I could take it, I think it would be too hard on me. I know the perfect girl I'd set you up with, but I don't think I could be around you two or hear about how it's going without feeling wierd. I don't know. Sorry."

 

So let me ask this open ended question... Does that sound like the response from someone who "never intended" and "unintentionally" led me on? You'd think if she had no feelings what so ever that she'd be more than happy to hook me up with a friend. Right? Becuase I can say with complete honesty that since I myself have strong feeligns for her still, there's no way in hell I'd set her up with one of my friends and have to watch the two of them get to know eachother and possibly start dating.

 

Magicrat, have you tried this tactic with the girl in your case? It works wonders! I had a good laugh that night. I'm finding the more I show her I'm not interested the more she's holding on with an iron grip. Literally it's a complete 180 role reversal from about 3 months ago.

 

It's strange, I care but I don't care anymore.

[MagicRat09]

WOW! Isn't that something? You gotta love it when a person is all "I'm turning you down but i don't want anyone else to have you either."

 

I have not asked this girl to set me up, but I have done it with others that I have been interested in less intensely. One of them said "let me think about that" and never followed up. They rarely do actually.

 

I had pulled back like crazy, and her response was as we expected. When she said she missed me I gave her the Han Solo response ("I know") and did not say it back.

 

We have been emailing all morning so i did put my hand in the fire for a bit. But I'm more realistic and open-eyed now. The hard thing is she is really a fragile and lonely person so it makes it harder to be tough with her.

[WTRanger]

The hard thing is she is really a fragile and lonely person so it makes it harder to be tough with her.

 

It is completely. Because if you are, you'll come off as a douche bag. To her, she's doing no wrong so when you react like that you'll only hurt her even more. I mean when a person you care about needs someone and they come to you, how can you turn that down? I'm meaning obvious help. There were several times where this girl would call me up crying, worried about what was next in her life as she was in a very transitional stage, a stage I had already gone through when I was her age, so I could offer her advice. She would always ask me to come over, just so she didn't have to be alone. This girl that I cared so much about is crying, scared, and lonely. So how the heck was I going to turn that down? I couldn't just say, "Sorry, but that re-run of "The Real World" is on and even though I've seen in 357 times already I still need to watch it again." I guess I'm a sucker for a girl in tears.

 

The problem is that I became too available for the little things. The little fires that I really didn't need to be a part of. It's hard not to stay in contact, because as we've discussed that really isn't 100% necessary in these situations. So I've tried to remain and regain some mystery to me. It helps that I'm farther away from her now and there is minimal, say unlikely, chances that I may ever see her again physically. We're close friends, we have great conversations, we enjoy each other's company and we get along very well. So why cut that off? But it's not necessary to stay in contact with her everyday as I used to. I did almost all of the contacting and she 100% responded every time, without fail. So it's not like she was blowing me off, at least not in the way that I wanted her to "blow me off."

 

But when those emails, texts, phone calls start up about the little things, I'm quick to cut those short. I'm no longer going to be her emotional tampon. I'm more of the emotional tourniquet, I'll be there to stop the major bleeding but the little "spotting", I'll leave that to another device or sucker.

 

I have found myself comparing her to a real "female friend" of mine whom I've known and been friend-zoned for the last 14 years and there is no comparison. I know no two people are the same, but the things I know about eachother and the things I have done and have been asked to do don't match the "friend-zone" rules. They are more closely related to any of the real girlfriends I have had. It all just became too confusing, and then I joined this forum. I think I see the light, or maybe it's a freight train.....

[MagicRat09]

This is a terrific song by Billy Joel that really speaks to this issue

 

 

LAURA

 

Laura

Calls me

In the middle of the night

Passes on her

Painful information

Then these careless fingers

They get caught in her vice

Til they're bleeding

On my coffee table

 

Living alone isn't all that

It's cracked up to be

I'm on her side

Why does she push the poison on me?

 

Laura

Has a very hard time

All her life has

Been one long disaster

Then she tells me

She suddenly believes she's seen

A very good sign

She'll be taking

Some aggressive action

 

I fight her wars

While she's slamming her doors

In my face

Failure to break

Was the only mistake

That she made

 

Here I am

feeling like a f***ing fool

Do I react the way exactly

She intends me to?

Everytime I think I'm off the hook

She makes me lose my cool

I'm her machine

And she can punch all the keys

She can push any button I was programmed through

 

Laura

Calls me

When she needs a good fix

All her questions

Will get sympathetic answers

I should

Be so

Immunized

To all of her tricks

She's surviving

On her second chances

 

Sometimes I feel like this

Godfather deal is all wrong

How can she hold an umbilical chord

For so long?

 

I've done everything I can

What else am I supposed to do

I'm her machine

And she can punch all the keys

She can push any button I was programmed through

 

Laura

Loves me

Even if I don't care

That's my problem

That's her sacred absolution

If she had to

She would put herself in my chair

Even though I

Faced electrocution

She always says

I'm the best friend that

She's ever had

How do you

Hang up on someone

Who needs you that bad?

[Charles1978]

Ranger's experience reminds me of the situation I'm going through now. It only took her a week, but last night, she lost her friggin mind. I'm dating someone else, and I took her at her word that we were friends. Sooo, my current girlfriend wants to meet her, hang out and maybe become friends with her too. They met once, so I didn't see any problems. Well last night my friend showers me with texts saying she cant see me, cares for me, needs time away, etc etc. Went after me pretty bad. So I have more drama in my life... clean breaks might be best.

[paddington bear]

I'm slowly starting to realize that no matter what I did I was hosed. If I told her, she runs away. If I hold it in, those feelings will fester inside me and rot me from the core out.

 

This is what's hardest for me with the NC, I desperately want to pour my heart and or anger out...but there's no point and it does feel like all the emotions are festering inside with no outlet...hence the ridiculous amount of time I've spent on LS over the last couple of weeks. However, just today it's getting better, the festering stuff I mean, I don't feel the need to unburden or feel hard done by that I can't. I'm getting to the 'your loss' stage...although keep taking 2 steps backward for every step forward. Can't wait to get to the I'm not thinking about him as soon as I wake up and for most of the day stage...even if I get an hour or 2 free in the morning before 'remembering' that would be a step forward.

 

Honestly this NC thing does work. It's hellish, but not as hellish as continued contact...can you imagine trying to get over someone then? Impossible. It's also put a lot of things in perspective for me. Not seeing someone and talking with them allows me to demonise them to a degree. Is he a devil man, evil? No, but if I see him and talk with him those warm fuzzy feelings will re-emerge, whereas as little contact as possible is allowing me to see him and the situation from a less emotional point of view. I'm looking at the cold hard facts and thinking 'well, that wasn't really nice of him'. I know if I was around him that my mind wouldn't even get the space to think that. To see some of the reality of the bad things, as opposed to missing the good things.

 

Anyway, I feel your pain, right there with you. Sigh.

 

A song for the girls:

 

The gentleman is a dope a man of many faults.

A clumsy Joe who wouldn't know a Rhumba from a Waltz.

The gentleman is a dope and not my cup of tea

(Why do I get in a dither?

He doesn't belong to me!)

 

The gentleman isn't bright

He doesn't know the score.

A Cake will come, He'll take a crumb

And never ask for more.

The gentleman's eyes are blue

But little do they see

(Why am I beating my brains out?

He doesn't belong to me!)

 

He's somebody else's problem,

She's welcome to the guy!

She'll never understand him half as well as I

The gentleman is a dope

He isn't very smart

He's just a a lug you like to hug

And hold againsl you heart,

The gentleman is a dope doesn't know

How happy he could.

Look at me!

Crying my eyes out,

As if he belonged to me.

Asif

He'll never belong to me.

[Charles1978]

Ranger's experience reminds me of the situation I'm going through now. It only took her a week, but last night, she lost her friggin mind. I'm dating someone else, and I took her at her word that we were friends. Sooo, my current girlfriend wants to meet her, hang out and maybe become friends with her too. They met once, so I didn't see any problems. Well last night my friend showers me with texts saying she cant see me, cares for me, needs time away, etc etc. Went after me pretty bad. So I have more drama in my life... clean breaks might be best.

 

And now she wants to have a "talk" tonight because she is "pissed" at me. Great. Kinda wish she'd just go away at this point.

[WTRanger]

You don't have to have this talk with her. She didn't want to give you the time of day before, so why should you pander to her now? If anything, I'd keep the talk short, if I would have it at all.

 

She knew exactly how you felt, yet she didn't want to move forward with you. What other choice did you have other than to move on? I bet she expected to you hang around and cry at her feet. But you were strong, moved on and found yourself an awesome new girl. So why should she be pissed at you?

 

Keep us updated how this goes. But seriously, focus on the girl that you have now.

[Charles1978]

Well I'm very ashamed of what happened last night. I went over there. She was upset because my girlfriend had texted her from my phone. Well, my girlfriend wanted to be her friend, because she had claimed to be nothing more than that. Well, long story short, we kissed, then hooked up (no sex thankfully)... I cannot believe I allowed that to happen. I know that my current relationship is only a few weeks old, but this is no way to start off. I have NEVER cheated before in my life... ever. And now I feel that I have, and I feel absolutely terrible about it.

 

After all this happened, she was saying things like she couldn't believe it took us this long, etc. I wasn't having any of that talk, and told her that I now have a huge mess to clean up. We agreed to keep it between us, but I have an urge and feel an obligation to tell my girlfriend. She and I have had conversations about becoming exclusive, but it is clear that we are not yet exclusive. However, she is in the process of letting whatever guys she has pursuing her know that she and I are dating. So, I just need to approach this mess gently. I'm not sure I need to tell her, but I have a lot of thinking to do. I feel terrible about all of this.

 

No contact, clean break... I wish I'd taken my own advice.