MrNeglected Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 I'm in between a rock and hard place. I cannot describe the loneliness and isolation I have felt since my wife's operation a few short years back- shortly after giving birth to our second child. Not only does she have little to no desires for me or sex altogether, but she claims it is extremely painful to even attempt!! My sex drive has regrettably remained the same and I find great difficulty in trying to tame my urges. This marriage is leaving me vacant and hallow. There is nothing but emptiness and disconnectedness- we are like brother and sister! I've even tried ssris to lower my sex drive and yes it has a little, but not enough. I feel extremely guilty for now looking out an affair. What can I do when my wife is no longer interested in sex and claims it's not even comfortably, much less excruciating, trying??? DID the docs ruin our marriage>>? Should I sue? Link to post Share on other sites
Heroic Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 Insist that she see a doctor. Her health and the health of your marriage are at stake and you should let her know that in no uncertain terms. See how she responds. If she balks then there are other issues at hand. My bet is this will be the result. Be prepared with a number for a marriage councelor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrNeglected Posted May 14, 2009 Author Share Posted May 14, 2009 Everyday, I quietly mourn our eviscerated marriage and how great things used to be. I tried to disclose my anguish over the situation, but she brushes it off as if im some horn dog. There is nothing left to talk about as she will not even listen to my concerns anymore. It's a shame that divorce may be one of the options since we do have two children together, so I do not want to make that choice if at all possible. I don't know if I can live like this anymore either with a roommate instead of a passionate lover. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 It is a hard thing to face: a wife who does not want you for the rest of your life. It sounds terrible, but I can't really blame you if you seek out and find a woman who will show you the passion and attention that your wife refuses to, and even refuses to talk about. Just make sure that you choose carefully - you don't want someone who will want more than you have to offer. Or... you could divorce and show your children that marriage is not a trap, and that it is something that you can and should walk away from when it no longer works, and one of the spouses simply refuses to do anything to help fix things. Your kids will be better off with happy divorced parents than they would with parents who are together but are miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 have her dr. check her out, if alls well sit down and have a heart to heart discussion w/ her. if she still refuses your advances, sorry to say it's time to go. sex is a important part of marriage, if her healths ok, that's like a breach of contract Link to post Share on other sites
Heroic Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 Hey you might want to try saying something like this to her: "I need you to sit down and listen to me. This is important so I need your full attention. I have been wondering where things went wrong in our sex life since we had our last child. It's been a while. I gave you some room, I have tried to get your attention other ways and it doesnt seem that you notice so I'm going to tell you as plainly as possible. We need to fix our sex life. This is important to me, to us, to the health of our marriage. I want you to know that this is something that has been bothering me for a long time....a long time. I consider this important, as important as any of our vows we took together. It's as important as me putting food on the table and us caring for our kids. We are starting to grow apart and I think this is a huge part of the issue. Lets fix this distance before we grow to far apart and don't care to fix it. If you have a medical problem lets fix it. Lets go see a doctor together. If we have relationship issues lets fix them. I want to go to councelling if this is the case. If we continue to grow apart we won't have much of a marriage and I don't want to go down that road. I won't settle for you acting like my sister or being my room mate. I married a wonderful, intelligent, sexy woman and I want her back so let's do what we have to to get there. " I would be prepared with some phone numbers for doctors and councelors. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 I'm in between a rock and hard place. I cannot describe the loneliness and isolation I have felt since my wife's operation a few short years back- shortly after giving birth to our second child. Not only does she have little to no desires for me or sex altogether, but she claims it is extremely painful to even attempt!! My sex drive has regrettably remained the same and I find great difficulty in trying to tame my urges. This marriage is leaving me vacant and hallow. There is nothing but emptiness and disconnectedness- we are like brother and sister! I've even tried ssris to lower my sex drive and yes it has a little, but not enough. I feel extremely guilty for now looking out an affair. What can I do when my wife is no longer interested in sex and claims it's not even comfortably, much less excruciating, trying??? DID the docs ruin our marriage>>? Should I sue? Mr N, What kind of surgery did your wife have that ruined her libido? And how old is she? It would help to know before advising. Communication is definitely key. Have you told her your concerns and desires to look outside the M for sex? Would she care? Would she agree to allow you a certain freedom if she truly has no more drive? You should at least broach the subject with her and ask her what you're supposed to do in this life change you were not prepared for. I know of a couple where the wife lost her libido but did not want to lose her husband. They decided they would bring in lovers; she would watch while they had sex but would be a part of it. This is not for everyone, but my point to this story is that the couple wanted to save their marriage while finding a solution. Falling in love with the OW who would share their bed was off limits and this was heavily enforced (but very hard to do). If you love your wife bring the subject up to her and allow her to help you make a decision to try medication, hormone treatment, a new life-style, or whatever before you start thinking about having an affair which brings a whole new pain into your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 15, 2009 Share Posted May 15, 2009 Communication is definitely key. Have you told her your concerns and desires to look outside the M for sex? Would she care? Would she agree to allow you a certain freedom if she truly has no more drive? As has been pointed out more than once in these forums, if your wife doesn't think that sex is important then she won't have a problem if you pursue this unimportant activity with someone else. I think White Flower's on the right track... Mr. lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted May 15, 2009 Share Posted May 15, 2009 Just awful..... She is I hate to say it probably lying. For her to know your urges and wants and say she physically can't have sex and not have cared to try and do anything pretty much tells me that it is not a physical condition but mental. Sit her down, tell her you can not continue like this, talk to her doctor, get a referral if needed, book the MC and get to the bottom of this..... Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted May 15, 2009 Share Posted May 15, 2009 What kind of surgery did your wife have that ruined her libido? And how old is she? It would help to know before advising. That's what I want to know. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted May 15, 2009 Share Posted May 15, 2009 As has been pointed out more than once in these forums, if your wife doesn't think that sex is important then she won't have a problem if you pursue this unimportant activity with someone else. I think White Flower's on the right track... Mr. lucky Just last night a man confided in me that he has the very same problem. He misses the intimacy in his M and when he approached his W on the subject about his needs she told him to go and take care of it. Whatever that means! I suggested he give her a timeline to 1) see a doctor by a certain date, and 2) get some MC (marriage counseling) so they can get back on track. What was very sad about his story is that he conveyed that he doesn't feel like himself; like he's not a man anymore. He was thinking of checking himself in to a psychiatric hospital for a few days. Mr. Neglected, don't let this drag on. Force her to look at the issue and deal with it before you end up having an affair or feel like you're not a man anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted May 15, 2009 Share Posted May 15, 2009 Just last night a man confided in me that he has the very same problem. He misses the intimacy in his M and when he approached his W on the subject about his needs she told him to go and take care of it. Whatever that means! I suggested he give her a timeline to 1) see a doctor by a certain date, and 2) get some MC (marriage counseling) so they can get back on track. What was very sad about his story is that he conveyed that he doesn't feel like himself; like he's not a man anymore. He was thinking of checking himself in to a psychiatric hospital for a few days. Mr. Neglected, don't let this drag on. Force her to look at the issue and deal with it before you end up having an affair or feel like you're not a man anymore. What she means and this is all too common, is go masturbate (and preferrably not to porn, use your imagination like many/most women can). Do not neglect me or the family or spend our money on sex..... Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted May 15, 2009 Share Posted May 15, 2009 What she means and this is all too common, is go masturbate (and preferrably not to porn, use your imagination like many/most women can). Do not neglect me or the family or spend our money on sex..... I'm sure that is what she meant. All too often women don't understand that a man wants intimacy and not just a physical release. Intimacy comes from sharing the experience with another person. She can't expect him to give that up-that's not what he got married for. Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted May 15, 2009 Share Posted May 15, 2009 Hey you might want to try saying something like this to her: "I need you to sit down and listen to me. This is important so I need your full attention. I have been wondering where things went wrong in our sex life since we had our last child. It's been a while. I gave you some room, I have tried to get your attention other ways and it doesnt seem that you notice so I'm going to tell you as plainly as possible. We need to fix our sex life. This is important to me, to us, to the health of our marriage. I want you to know that this is something that has been bothering me for a long time....a long time. I consider this important, as important as any of our vows we took together. It's as important as me putting food on the table and us caring for our kids. We are starting to grow apart and I think this is a huge part of the issue. Lets fix this distance before we grow to far apart and don't care to fix it. If you have a medical problem lets fix it. Lets go see a doctor together. If we have relationship issues lets fix them. I want to go to councelling if this is the case. If we continue to grow apart we won't have much of a marriage and I don't want to go down that road. I won't settle for you acting like my sister or being my room mate. I married a wonderful, intelligent, sexy woman and I want her back so let's do what we have to to get there. " I would be prepared with some phone numbers for doctors and councelors. I think this is the best advice given here. I'd follow it. The truth is, no one here knows what's going on with your wife. You'd be much better off talking to her and going to a MC. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted May 15, 2009 Share Posted May 15, 2009 I think this is the best advice given here. I'd follow it. The truth is, no one here knows what's going on with your wife. You'd be much better off talking to her and going to a MC. Good luck. You want to bet they've had that conversation and led nowhere??? Again please read Cachaca's thread "Loving Husband - married 12 years - all good...except for SEX" and come up with a better course of action.... Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted May 15, 2009 Share Posted May 15, 2009 You want to bet they've had that conversation and led nowhere??? Again please read Cachaca's thread "Loving Husband - married 12 years - all good...except for SEX" and come up with a better course of action.... It's called serving them with divorce papers.. the spouse will either decide that they're fine with a divorce or it'll be the wake up call they need to join with their spouse on fixing the sex issue and any other issues in the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 You want to bet they've had that conversation and led nowhere??? Again please read Cachaca's thread "Loving Husband - married 12 years - all good...except for SEX" and come up with a better course of action.... Then he needs to follow up on this part of the conversation: If we continue to grow apart we won't have much of a marriage and I don't want to go down that road. Just as encouragement is offered, so is the threat implied. If you're telling your spouse that a sexless marriage is a dealbreaker, one would assume that you're being honest in all that implies and know that, at least eventually, you may have to choose between marriage to your current spouse and sexual fulfillment... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 Did she have a prolapsed uterus/bladder and subsequent surgery? Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 Sounds like she needs to miss you. What about a temporary separation, or a break? Let her stay there with the kids, and you move into an apt or motel for like a month or two, and let her miss you a little bit? Usually with unmarried couples this means the end, but for a married couple, the union is binding so both of you cant just run off. Maybe try that before paying for councelling? Link to post Share on other sites
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