how do i help him get through this?

[NatoPMT]

I have pasted a number of emails below, showing the exchange my ex & i had last night. I know he is confused, and i want to show him that he doesnt have to be hurt anymore - whether we are together or not, he can be advance from this limbo he is in - he is so hurt, hes extremely sensitive and doesnt feel that hes coping - he broke down on the phone and said i had hurt him so much that he felt he had to recover on his own, because being open with me didnt work, so hes trying a different route. a) i didnt do anything outrageous to hurt him, we had a series of arguments and i behaved the way most people behave when they are hurt - withdrawing etc which i now understand is not the way to go about things in a relationship - but it was still his decision to leave even though i didnt want him to b) hes going down the exact route that has kept me unhappy for years, sealing himself off emotionally and denying how he feels beacuse its the path of least resistance. he said he knows this, but he doesnt know how else to deal with it.

 

From him to me

hey you,

i don't know if us talking has changed anything but i'm feeling a bit better now.

i still don't really know what to say but the reason i'm so unsure of everything now when i seemed to be ok before is that talking last night just made me realise how much i still feel for you and how i'm really not ok with what's going on and all that.

 

i really don't know how i feel and i think it's unfair of me to keep talking to you and stuff with the whole 'i dunno and i'll let you know when i do' business going on. as i've said i don't feel my state of mind or whatever you want to call it is ok enoughf or me to have anything to do with anyone at the moment...oh god i'm going on again, i thought i had something different to say before i started writing this but it's all coming out rubbish.

 

when i don't talk to you and i pretend you're not there i'm ok...when i think about you and you are there then i get all upset and confused and i don't know what's going on....that's because i don't know if i'm actually ok when you're not there or if i'm pretending that i'm ok by ignoring what i actually feel for you......

i don't know if what i've said has been worth it but i've said it anyway......anyway i'll speak to you soon thank you so so much for being here, there, wherever you are...and thank you for caring so much about me.

i don't know where i'd be without you or if i had never met you.

you're the best thing i've ever experienced. x

 

so i sent one back saying you are being unclear about what you want from me, so i am going to get on with things now, this is just confusing both of us and until you know what you want, its doing us more harm - i will cancel my trip over to see you and i really dont want to confuse you anymore

and blah blah - good luck blah blah

 

he then sent me this email:

 

nonononononononononononono don't cancel the trip!!

i said in that e-mail about not knowing what i was on about and my decisions not even being worth making....i've been thinking for ages how ace it will be when you come over and stuff.

don't go saying that now after all that other stuff i just read from you

please don't cancel.

i'm still waiting for my brother to get his speakers ready and i just came to see what you're up to & if youd mailed me back and arg don't cancel.....i should be going out soon but i'll be here if you want to e-mail me back

 

 

how can i help him??? i just want him to be better - whether its with me or not and i cant stand to see him so confused and without direction - he was always so open - always knowing exactly what he wanted, and i feel that i have damaged him and taken something exceptionally special away from him.

 

what should advice should i give him? he asked me last night how i had been dealing with things - but i am just me, i dont know how other people think or what they want, he is asking for my help to get over this - either to trust me again or to move on - we dont know which but he says he wants to be with me - but we cant with him feeling like this as it just wouldnt work.

 

is there any advice anyone can give me? (before i throw myself off the nearest telephone box.)

[Iamhappy]

Sweetie, your duty first and foremost is to figure out how you're going to get through this.

 

he can advance from this limbo he is in

 

What about the limbo you're in?

 

Luv, I'm so angry for you right now, I can't see straight. I know you love this man, but I'm about to say some things (some judgmental things) which might make you angry.

 

he broke down on the phone and said i had hurt him so much that he felt he had to recover on his own, because being open with me didnt work, so hes trying a different route

 

First of all, instead of taking responsibility for his hurt, he's putting it all on you. I might have a different opinion if you'd cheated on him, abused him, used him, etc. But that is not the case here.

 

You think that you hurt him because:

 

[you] behaved the way most people behave when they are hurt - withdrawing etc

 

but isn't your withdrawal in response to this:

 

hes going down the exact route that has kept me unhappy for years, sealing himself off emotionally and denying how he feels because its the path of least resistance

 

A person who seals themselves off from their partner and refuses to talk about things is not someone who's open. God, I hate that phrase "path of least resistance." For 7 years, I had to hear that from a "man," who couldn't be honest or responsible for his own feelings.

 

Don't you see that by telling you this, he's making you out to be the one at fault - the nag who must be supplicated. So to avoid conflict (really it's about avoiding being honest and being accountable for his actions), to be the better one - he yields to your wishes. He might have acquiesced to you, but he did it feeling he was the superior one. How many times did he hold this over your head? How many times did he make you feel like it was your fault the relationship wasn't all sugar and spice since he was the one who was doing all the compromising?

 

He says:

 

i really don't know how i feel and i think it's unfair of me to keep talking to you and stuff with the whole 'i dunno and i'll let you know when i do

 

If this man really loved you and cared about your welfare, he wouldn't do this to you. He wouldn't keep tormenting you this way. He knows how you feel about him. Surely, he must know what it does to you when he pulls this passive aggressive nonsense of "I really don't know how I feel, but yeah, come on over across the ocean and visit me."

 

And this is very telling:

 

you're the best thing i've ever experienced

 

Note how "experienced" is in the past tense.

 

he was always so open - always knowing exactly what he wanted

 

The only thing he's open about is how he's keeping you on a string and that's exactly how he wants it. [color=blue]Do you not notice how every time you mention moving on, he says or does something so you don't?[/color] That is just so selfish!!

 

i feel that i have damaged him and taken something exceptionally special away from him

 

Honey, he's the one who's damaging you and your psyche. He's got you so confused that you're starting to doubt which way is up and which way is down. Don't you see, he's the one who's taking away something exceptional here and that is you - all the qualities that make you you, all the qualities that made him fall in love with you in the first place.

 

he asked me last night how i had been dealing with things

 

Is this just coming up now? Is he just asking you about how you're doing now? Does he not listen to you when you talk to him?

 

You say:

 

he is asking for my help to get over this - either to trust me again or to move on

 

he says he wants to be with me - but we cant with him feeling like this as it just wouldnt work

 

Oh my goodness! What nerve. This is just so utterly selfish. He's telling you that the ball is in your court and the only way for you to "win" him back is if you're willing to bend over backwards, tie yourself up in knots and admit and accept that everything is your fault?

 

I actually think he gets some sort of high knowing you're still so crazy about him and how much power he has over you.

 

I think it wise to stop communicating with him for a while. As much as there are people here on the other side of the ocean who want to see you, your welfare and your well-being are much much more important.

 

You need to level the playing the field and that won't happen if he still has such a strong hold over you. He knows this and judging from his behaviour he doesn't hesitate to exercise this power.

 

Stay away from him until you've got your wits about you. Actually maybe you should just stay away from him period.

 

This isn't love at least not for him. It's torture.

[NatoPMT]

Blimey J, i am glad someone is worked up over this because i sure cant find the enthusiam. Thanks though, i know you are right in some respects, i havent put the whole story, and you are i guess the best person to comment because i certainly have told you more than i can usually be bothered to post. you havent made me angry in the least, like i said i only know what i think and i was courting having a boot in the teeth from the likes of you m'am. its my own fault (see how easily that comes to me? haha) for not explaining things properly

 

'instead of taking responsibility for his hurt, he's putting it all on you'. (- dunno how to do those quotey thingys so i will just use common or garden pasting.)

 

He hadnt done that previously - he only said that last night for the first time, up til now hes been asking me to forgive him - and also saying he had forgiven me - he really hasnt given me all the responsibility for the break up, last night he admitted he was hurt for the first time, or how hurt he was anyway. i thought that was a breakthrough!! - go on, snigger if you will.

 

''but isn't your withdrawal in response to this:hes going down the exact route that has kept me unhappy for years, sealing himself off emotionally and denying how he feels because its the path of least resistance''

 

nope, i was withdrawn from him for months & months while he battled to get through to me - but the more he battled, the more i withdrew, his tactics to make me open with him were just too heavy handed, and he knows that and he knows that had he done things differently too, things could have worked out. thats how he dealt with that at the time, and this is the result of our equal inexperience in UNDERSTANDING people and how to get the best from them.

 

path of least resistance - they were my words - the neuron thing - thats where i coined that from. he is actually now starting to tell me how he feels, when before we were just seeing if we could be friends. he had always told me what he knew, but hes denied himself this knowledge too - that he now realises how much he does feel for me.

 

hes not telling me i am nagging, i promise - or even behaving towards me like i am

 

hes just admitted that he feels more for me than he was admitting, and then after

he said i dunno blah blah, and i reacted by saying am not coming over to see you - his reaction was that what he was trying to say was that he says things for the sake of saying them because he thinks he should say something - he has always said that and the more he says, sometimes the less he means it, yes thats fecking annoying and confusing and you get mixed signals, but thats what he was saying in the 2nd one, that he wantedme to go over more than he didnt know what he wanted. i do hope i made sense then.

 

experienced - try saying that in present tense. i couldnt - not because it isnt.

 

hes only asking about how i am coping with this now, because before, he thought he should be strong for me because i wasnt being. and i know he wasnt feeling strong inside, he just knew he had to go if we were to be able to make things better - no that doesnt sit well with me either.

 

'The only thing he's open about is how he's keeping you on a string and that's exactly how he wants it. Do you not notice how every time you mention moving on, he says or does something so you don't? That is just so selfish!!' - he has only started doing that since that big argument i had with him on friday when i got drunk and phoned him - very undignified. thats the first time he has actually asked me not to do something - up till then if i said maybe its better for me to move on, he'd say 'whatever is best for you'

 

i know its completely unhealthy and completely ridiculous. i sooo know it, however, i do feel that i know him very very well, and i feel i can help him - he has helped me enoroumsly in the past - its almost like repaying a debt, and if i dont do this i will have not learned what i need to learn, and that i have sold him short. He told me he cried himself to sleep for months over me while we were still together, i owe him this much - regardless of you shouldnt owe anyone anything, i feel have have a karmic debt to him. he has given me something i didnt have before - and that is patience & understanding - surely i can offer him the same thing in his confusion?

 

slap me with a wet fish if i need it. not too hard though. & youre a pal J xx

[NatoPMT]

just spoken to him on the phone, we've arranged my trip out there - I'm a coming to the US - J get your party pants on. (ps will mail you later when i get home)

 

he got all excited & giddy about it & about all the stuff hes planning for us to do and he said he cant wait and hes missing me loooooads.

 

la la la somebody stop me getting carried away.

[moimeme]

i didnt do anything outrageous to hurt him

 

I thought I recalled your saying that you had been hurtful to him and that you knew you needed to change?

 

I don't agree with Iamnot this time. For whatever reason, if a person feels hurt, that feeling is valid. Obviously, these two have to figure out what was the source of the hurt and what to do about it. It will never help a relationship go forward to deny that one person has hurt the other. What's needed is a sincere apology to the other for their having been hurt and acknowledging that the hurt was caused.

 

People may never intend to cause hurt but may do so anyway, and the right thing to do is apologize, not say 'well, you ought not be hurt because I wasn't trying to hurt you'. As ol' Dr. Phil says, even if you didn't mean to run over his foot, it still hurts.

 

What you two need to do, BB, is to sit down and talk over the issues. People withdraw when they're hurt because they expect dealing with the hurt to be painful - and often it is, but in order to resolve things, sometimes you have to walk through some fire together. You have to both resolve to not withdraw when things go wrong but to admit to and resolve them right away. Actually, it may be easier to resolve your issues on the phone and via email. Sometimes it helps to deal with emotional issues at a bit of a distance; it can make it 'safer'. You can even do this when you're living together!

[NatoPMT]

Hi Melly

 

Thanks for your reply. Thats why i said 'outrageous' ie i hadnt been unfaithful or abusive, i had hurt him but i felt that it was resolvable and i had made steps and been successful in dealing with the issues that had caused our rift, and i actually dealt with them before he left, but by that time he needed to take his own remedial action.

 

The issues that we both had that led to the break up had already been dealt with before we broke up - he had stopped and thought about the things he'd done, and i had about what i had done. I feel its now time to let go of the past. its now a case of whether we still love each other enough to do that. i know i do, but hes still making his decision

 

i like the apology idea, that feels right, we have already done that & forgiven each other, but i think thats a good thing to clarify now the dust has settled. i also agree about the acknowledging someones hurt - if he wasnt hurt, this wouldnt be happening, i dont want to be hurt by this anymore, even though it does hurt at the moment, i dont want to carry it with me and i dont want him to carry it with him either, the way we are talking at the moment, with excitement and looking forward to seeing each other, it may happen, which i think it almost a miracle. i didnt realise i had this strength of character - and its him that has shown me how to deal with this, and i want to do the same for him as i thought hed lost sight of his ability to do this. i dont yet know as we arent yet fully communicating, but i think hes found it again after this last week.

 

theres still a long hard uncertain process to go through, i understand that

 

hope you are good - will keep you updated x