Fiance acting distant

[lexi29]

I haven't posted in quite awhile because things have been great with my fiance. We've had hardly any disagreements and I've been staying at his house (ours) almost every night, I might go home 3 nights a week. I've been taking his son to daycare every morning and picking him up because my fiance's job has him driving an hour to work and then driving the company truck an hour or more to the job site. So at least four hours of driving a day and he gets home late. But everything has been fantastic. He has just been waiting for me to move in which I do want to do, I've just been stalling because I like having my own place to go to once in awhile. However, I DO plan to move in soon. From his point of view, I can see where he'd be frustrated- he wanted to get married- I called off the wedding. He wanted me to move in and I said I would and he's been living alone for 3 months. But I've been around all the time and helping take care of his son so that should (and has seemed to )make him happy.

 

Everything was great until about a week ago and now I'm afraid I'm losing him. It feels sort of like someone flipped a switch. Two weeks ago he was always calling me, very affectionate, a little needy, like he was worried that I was pulling away or something. I started being more attentive to him, doing more for him etc to show that I wasn't pulling away and that I love him very much. Well on Saturday, things were a little weird. He started b*tching at me about when I was going to move in and wanted to go get all my stuff and move it in that day. Of course I wasn't interested in that and told him that I am moving in soon. He kept complaining that he was bored all day (sounded like his son) and he said it wasn't that he was with me it was that there was nothing to do (we'd gone for a drive, we had sex and we spent the rest of the afternoon watching tv, which yeah, isnt' the most exciting thing to do.

 

Yesterday we were talking about this coming weekend and he was asking if I was staying friday night. I said no because his nephew was coming over to spend the night and I really need to sleep in saturday morning (been getting up really early all week which isn't typical) and if I stay his nephew and son will get up early and I won't be able to sleep in. I didn't think it was a big deal and he got upset and said well if you lived here you wouldn't be able to run off and sleep in somewhere. I said that on weekends at least ONE day I expect him and his son to keep it down (his son is gone every other weekend) so I can sleep in a few hours. When I stay and his son isn't there, my fiance lets me sleep in (he'll be quiet or just go watch tv) so I didn't see what would change when I move in. Well he thought I was joking (he says) at first and he said I"d just better get over the idea that I'll ever be able to sleep in once I move in because he has stuff to do in the morning (vacumming, laundry, dishes, mowing grass) and it is more important that he do that instead of being quiet so I can sleep.

 

He made a big deal about it saying that he doesn't believe in sleeping in etc. That I'm just going to have to adjust to his ways. That his son should not be expected to be quiet so I can sleep in on saturdays. So I was mad and told him then fine, I'm not moving in and that if he can't be courteous and give me ONE thing I ask for then forget it I didn't want to be with him. Now I do say this a lot and have done so in ALL my relationships. WHen I get upset I threaten to leave (and sometimes do) He was just like do what you want to I don't care. He was mad because at first he was joking and I took it seriously and got upset. He said if sleeping in is that important to me and I can't see his point of view (that HIS chores are MORE important than my wants) then he can't change my mind. He seemed to know I wasn't really leaving. But he was mad and told me that at this point (because he was upset/irritated ) that if I wanted to leave I should (for good). That he wasn't going to argue or stop me.

 

We talked after we both calmed down and we had make-up sex and I still wanted to talk about it when we were laying in bed and I asked him if he's sure he wants to be with me and he said yes, he's not going anywhere and that hes' giving me till June to move in (the month I promised I'd move in by) and if I don't then we're done. That he's not mad at me he's just frustrated that I haven't moved in. I told him I want to be 100% sure that we will be ok if I move in (because if I give up my place and we don't work out then I'm screwed) he said if it doesn't work (he's never said this before- he always says he knows it will work because this is what he wants. that he's finally realized what he wants (since he proposed) and its a life with me) then I can have our rental. (which I can't afford on my own) He said it as kind of a joke but it still scared me. Like he's having 2nd thoughts and wont' tell me.

 

He did say he's been sort of distant this last week because his family and friends have been telling him that I am not going to move in with him. That I'm stringing him along and he's worried that they are right.

 

I honestly don't know if I should pull away and just leave in case he's already checked out. Or if I should move in and see how things go (things were great until a week ago) He said some things last night that worry me but it was probably because he was upset and he turns cold and indifferent when he's mad (he told me he doesn't want to get married till after we go on vacation in september because he thinks my family is going to mistreat his son or that I'm going to flip out on his son after a 10 hour car ride and that we'll break up) Just weird stuff like he was making up all kinds of excuses.

 

So I really dont' know if he's checked out or if he was just tired and irritated and thus his attitude toward me. He did say I love you last night and this morning before he left for work. But I just don't know

[Chocolat]

Lexi,

 

There are layers and layers of issues here. I'm not even sure where to start!

 

Ok... first off, I looked at your other posts and it's clear that you've been ambivalent about this relationship for a long time. You've called off two wedding dates so far and have failed to move in with your bf. From his perspective, I can see why he would be susceptible to believing his friends and family when they say that it's never going to happen. As for his statement that if it doesn't work you can have the rental, well... he is probably at a loss as to what to say. After all, if telling you it's going to work because he knows what he wants doesn't do the trick (and he's been saying that for months), then perhaps he is just trying a new approach. Or perhaps he is getting tired of indecision. I'm sure he feels lost as to what to do and men especially do not like feeling that they don't know what to do.

 

Does it sound as though I seeing everything through his lens? Well, I'm not.

 

It is also clear that you have some deep and valid concerns about the relationship and especially how his son fits into the picture. There's no one right way to blend a family so I am not going to suggest what worked for me necessarily, but I can say that it's very clear that you and your bf have very different ideas about how to make that blend happen. You are also on different pages when it comes to parenting styles and this, too, is soemthing that will create friction. Don't fool yourself into thinking that the problems will get smaller as his son gets older (I know you believe a lot of problems stem from his son's immaturity). Truth is that problems in deailing with children grow as they do -- the issues involved in dealing with a 9 year old pale in comparison to those dealing with a 15 year old.

If you and your bf can't get on the same page, there is little chance of siccess for you.

 

Have you considered counseling? It's obvious that you and your bf lack the tools to resolve these issues yourselves. It's no good simply going along so you don't lose him. You and he not only don't hear each other about issues surrounding his son but you also don't do a good job of taking care of each other's needs... or at least respecting them. That's not a shot at you (or him). It's just an observation drawn from reading your posts. If you love this man and he loves you, you should be willing to make the effort to acquire the tools that will allow you to have a happy and healthy life together.

[carhill]

I expect this rubber band to continue for some time.

 

BTW, who initiates make-up sex? When I was upset with my wife and felt devalued, the last thing I wanted to do was stick my penis in her. Blech...

 

Anyway, at some point someone is going to have to make a proactive and final decision. I did that for us. My wife has her own version of the story, as I'm sure your fiance/BF does. Life goes on

[lexi29]

Thank you both for your replies. Carhill, he initiated it. For some reason he was very very horny after our disagreement. Once he knew I was staying it was like he couldn't wait to rip my clothes off. Strange. I even joked that fighting must turn him on or something. I mean, I really wasn't interested after arguing, that was the last thing on my mind. He does have the mindset that if I paying attention to him and interested in him sexually then everything is ok. But I've never seen him excited like that after we've had a disagreement.

 

As for his point of view, if my fiance were writing his side of the story it would probably go something like this-

 

Yes, I left her for my ex and it was a huge mistake and I just didn't realize what I had at the time and when she was gone I really missed her and things with my ex werent' anything like I'd expected and I just realized how much I f*cked up and it only took two weeks with my ex to realize I'd let one of the best things in my life go. We got back together after awhile and I did everything she asked of me and tried to win her trust back. I think we both realized we'd been taking eachother for granted. I realized I wanted to marry her as she's been my best friend and I love her so much and my son loves her too and that is VERY important to me. No one has ever treated my son so well. One day I decided to propose to her and I did and she was shocked. I thought she'd cry and be all happy or something but she just looked dazed and smiled and told me she thought I was going to tell her it was over instead!! I knew we had a long road to make her believe I wasn't going to leave her and this was for real.

 

We set a wedding date and I was very excited and made so many plans and it was strange because I had to get on her case a few times to get things in order for the wedding and I thought women had their weddings planned out since they were 10! We went to counseling which I didn't want to do but I wanted to get married so I thought it was worth it. No one in my family ever thought I'd get married, but like I told them, when you find the right person you know 100% and thats what I feel.

 

She cancelled the wedding the first time and I had told her that if we didn't get married on the date we chose that we'd break up (because I'd asked her before if she had cold feet and she assured me she didn't) Then she cancelled AGAIN and I was furious and it made me look like an idiot to my friends and family and I so wanted to leave her but I love her so I let it slide and stuck with her. I was a little upset/resentful over spending money and losing it and having all these plans go down the drain. But I didn't want to lose her. She found a house for us to move into and I moved in right away and she kept saying she was moving in but to this day she has not. She set one deadline (april) and told me her fears about moving in so I let it slide. Lately she hadn't said anything other than she was moving in "soon". I don't understand what the hold up is! I love her and though I don't always treat her the best (I spend a lot of money on my son so I don't often buy her flowers or take her out) but I do tolerate her moods (she gets upset when my son constantly cries about things or slams doors etc) and I do love her and tell her so every day. Sometimes I feel that if I didn't say I love you I would never hear it back (she rarely says it first). Lately my friends have been saying she's never moving in so I've kind of been preparing myself for that.

 

If she doesn't move in then I have to move back with my parents (at least when school starts) because I don't have anyway to get my son to daycare before school (I work early in the morning before daycare opens). So I'll have to uproot him again and that stresses me (and him) out. Plus I will have to pay rent on a place I'm not living in. A year ago I was supposed to be getting married in a few months and now I'm not even sure if my fiance is going to move in with me or I'll be stuck living with my parents. She won't give me a straight answer (a date) that she's moving in by) she just says soon and when I ask why she's hesitant she tells me she likes the peace and quiet of her own place at times and is worried about the transition. I really love her (or I did?) and I just wish she'd move in. Probably because I resent her leaving me hanging (and since we got engaged I haven't done anything to lose her trust) I've been irritable about things she wants - like when she says she wants to sleep in on weekends when she moves in- well I LIKE to get up early and start on chores and I don't want my son to have to be quiet and tip toe around, he doesn't do it for me, why should he have to do that for her? So I just tell her she'll have to get used to the way WE live. Also I'm probably a little irritated at how easy things are between my son and my fiance. He does everything she asks, rarely talks back, is very easy for her. For me he is demanding, won't do as I ask unless I yell and I do so much for him I feel he should give me a break sometime. For example, in the mornings when I have to get him up, I have to TELL him to use the bathroom (or he'll forget), stand there beside him and watch him brush his teeth or he won't do it (and often he wants me to brush mine at the same time or he wont' do it) I also have to comb his hair and he won't even get out of bed until I've dressed him!! and he's nine and he still wants me to dress him in the morning because he's too tired. Its easier than arguing with him so I do it. Well when my fiance has to get him up, she wakes him up, comes back five minutes later and he's up (used the bathroom, brushed his teeth) and dressed (by himself) and ready to go. She told me on picture day he even went into her bathroom with a thing of hair gel and a brush and did his own hair while she watched! He is very independent with her and rarely asks her to do anything other than make him food.

 

I guess I am just stressed because I don't know if she will keep her word or not (she hasn't in the past- ie us getting married etc) so I'm not sure this time will be different. I love her but am pulling away or maybe I just don't care anymore because I'm doubting that she will actually move in.

 

 

NOt sure he would say exactly that but thats what I see when I see it from his point of view. Writing that sort of helped me understand what he is going thru as well. And now I almost feel sorry for him and would tell him to leave me!!! lol. I just want things to be ok. I want to know that if I move in with him we will be alright and not have tons of issues and that I won't have to change my whole life around. I also worry that he's not serious about me and that after we move in together he will get bored and not want to be with me anymore. THat he'd finally have everything he says he's always wanted and then decide' eh this isn't what I'd thought it would be like so I dont' want it anymore"

[carhill]

I'd move in. Blow it out. Get 'er done.

[laRubiaBonita]

so basically he wants a live in nanny/ house keeper ?

 

 

and i thought you and his kid butted heads all the time??

[lexi29]

so basically he wants a live in nanny/ house keeper ?

 

 

and i thought you and his kid butted heads all the time??

 

 

I'm not even sure whose post you are reading... where did I ever imply he wants a nanny or live in housekeeper? He is the one who is complaining that HE wants to get up early on the weekends and do the laundry, vacumming, and mowing the lawn. So basically he's doing the housework. I wash dishes once in awhile or sweep the floor but its not a regular thing. Of course, if I lived there I'd help out more, but he's not asking me to. As for a nanny, all I do is take his son to daycare before I go to work and pick him up if my fiance hasnt' already. I make him dinner and help him with his homework if he has any. If I can't pick him up then my fiance just has to pay the daycare more to leave him there, thats it.

 

As for butting heads with his son, no we get along fine. He doesn't give me a hard time (like he does with his dad) and he's very sweet and he listens to me. If I tell him not to do something, he listens. We play games together, I help him out with things etc. Now, I've had issues with the way he ACTS sometimes (normally when dad is around) but the two of us get great the majority of the time.

[laRubiaBonita]

...................

 

If she doesn't move in then I have to move back with my parents (at least when school starts) because I don't have anyway to get my son to daycare before school (I work early in the morning before daycare opens). So I'll have to uproot him again and that stresses me (and him) out.

[Phateless]

Lexi... I honestly think you are doing this entirely to yourself. You are creating all of this. To be blunt if I were this guy I would have broken up with you by now.

[Chocolat]

Lexi, I think what you wrote as your bf was insightful. I think the last paragraph could well be accurate.

 

So... what are you going to do? What would make you happy? How can you assuage your anxiety?

[Cherished]

I think he is being a jerk. You don't have to move in together to be engaged. You should set a date, get married, and then move in.

Just because he is insisting you move in now doesn't mean you don't love him and aren't committed if you don't.

 

He should just be happy you are engaged to him.

So set a date, get married, and THEN move in.Many, many, many people are engaged without living together first.

He is in the wrong here and is being very childish and selfish.

[Sibyl Vane]

I think he is being a jerk. You don't have to move in together to be engaged. You should set a date, get married, and then move in.

Just because he is insisting you move in now doesn't mean you don't love him and aren't committed if you don't.

 

He should just be happy you are engaged to him.

So set a date, get married, and THEN move in.Many, many, many people are engaged without living together first.

He is in the wrong here and is being very childish and selfish.

 

Apart from the jerk thing I'd agree. Except they have set a date. Twice. And Lexi bailed both times. And she herself has promised to move in with him.

 

She needs to either move in or breakup. Lexi, you can't keep making and breaking promises to him. You are humiliating him in front of his family and friends, that would break anyone. My advice, don't move in and break up. You clearly love each other but I don't think you love him enough. If you did you would be jumping up and down at the chance to marry him and move in.

[2sunny]

seems he wants you because it makes his life a bit easier.

 

then he's even unwilling to allow you the luxury of sleeping in.

 

it's all about him and what he wants and when he wants it - the way he wants it.

 

even the so called make up sex - how degrading. he just dishes you a load of crap with ultimatums because he wants HIS needs met - and while you're still mad, he initiates sex? WTF??? god, is this man (boy) really that narcissistic?

 

i'd move ON! that's where i'd move.

 

he's got you under his thumb - literally... then he complains that it's not enough - or not to his specific liking. geeez, you are in for a long sorry life of nothing but the same thing if you even move in there- much less to marry that selfish, demanding jerk. he's no man. he just knows you might be willing to settle for the crumbs he is offering. don't do it.

[laRubiaBonita]

seems he wants you because it makes his life a bit easier.

 

then he's even unwilling to allow you the luxury of sleeping in.

 

it's all about him and what he wants and when he wants it - the way he wants it.

 

even the so called make up sex - how degrading. he just dishes you a load of crap with ultimatums because he wants HIS needs met - and while you're still mad, he initiates sex? WTF??? god, is this man (boy) really that narcissistic?

 

i'd move ON! that's where i'd move.

 

he's got you under his thumb - literally... then he complains that it's not enough - or not to his specific liking. geeez, you are in for a long sorry life of nothing but the same thing if you even move in there- much less to marry that selfish, demanding jerk. he's no man. he just knows you might be willing to settle for the crumbs he is offering. don't do it.

 

amen to that sista!!

[Cherished]

I'm with Sunny, he absolutely wants you to move in to have you at his beck and call for his kid.

It is not surprising you had doubts the first two times.

I think that says something.

Your instinct was telling you something before.

You might think you can't do better than this guy, but you totally can.

[Stung]

lexi29, i know there's a ton of backstory here that's only been skimmed over in this thread, and i know i'm only familiar with a small percentage of it. i have seen several threads by you and remember that you have been extremely unsure of him ever since, if i recall correctly, he broke things off with you some time ago. that's totally understandable on your part, in fact i'm really doubtful i'd have been able to take him back, like you did.

 

the thing is, you did take him back...right? and said you forgave him, and you were going to make things work, and that you wanted to get married? look, i don't fault you if you can't do it...i couldn't...but you are saying one thing and doing another, here. no wonder everybody is so confused.

 

going by this thread alone, where you admit to having called off the wedding twice and now you're dragging your feet on moving in, i have to say that if i were him, i'd have ended it with you already. i'm engaged, too, and the thought of my partner doing that to me...well, it would be incredibly painful, not to mention humiliating. i would never commit myself to somebody who was that obviously not able to commit to me. in fact, i think you can rest assured that he now feels every bit as unsure about you as you have felt about him after his own obvious lapse. is that what you've been going for?

 

admit it, lexi: you don't want to move in. you claim you sleep there almost every night, but then you admit that you sleep in your own bed 3x a week...that's just about half of every week. you say yourself that you go there and do things to seem like a family around the house 'to keep him happy,' like you're humoring him. then you pick a huge fight over sleeping in. hey, i like to sleep in, too, and i have fought with my partner about keeping things quiet on saturday mornings...but i recognized it for what it was, one of those hundreds of little fights couples have as they're learning to live together. you seem to want to blow it up into an excuse to push things even further back.

 

it's starting to look cruel, frankly. you need to either go to some SERIOUS counseling with this guy to figure out why he left you in the first place and why you keep holding him at arm's length despite pretending you want to marry him, or you need to just cut him loose already, let him pick up his dignity and move on. this is also for the sake of his son...that kid is attached to you, lexi. stop jerking him around.

 

as for those who say he only wants her to take care of his kid, sorry, i don't see it...not the way you do. my fiance has a daughter about the same age as lexi's stepson, and i help take care of her when she's with us half of every week. i make her school lunch, help her with homework, make her snacks or dinner, do her laundry when i do everyone else's, pick her up and drop her off at taekwondo, the dentist, summer camp, etc. not because my partner sees me as his maid or whatever, but because i AM his partner, and we are a FAMILY, all here to help each other. no, i'm not her mom, but i am her stepmom, and that takes some work. i don't take as prominent a role as her real mom does, which is as it should be, but i am still a huge part of her life and by moving in with and agreeing to marry her father i have become another parental figure for her, not just a buddy. that's how it goes.

[lexi29]

...................

 

 

He moved to the area I work and live. He did it #1 because I wanted to adn #2 because he wanted to live in the country. He now has to drive an hour to get to work (used to drive 20 minutes). So the move is one thing I can honestly say he did more for than for him (well he wanted to be with me, so he wanted to move where I wanted to live if that makes sense). When we decided to rent the place, I knew that there would be times (weeks at a time) that I would have to take his son to daycare before I went to work. It doesn't open till 6am and sometimes my fiance has to get up at 4 and leave for work by 5am. I dont' have to be at work until 8 and only drive ten minutes. So I don't see this as him using me as a live-in nanny. It is just one of my responsibilities because I wanted to move there (but I haven't moved in yet)

[lexi29]

seems he wants you because it makes his life a bit easier.

 

then he's even unwilling to allow you the luxury of sleeping in.

 

it's all about him and what he wants and when he wants it - the way he wants it.

 

even the so called make up sex - how degrading. he just dishes you a load of crap with ultimatums because he wants HIS needs met - and while you're still mad, he initiates sex? WTF??? god, is this man (boy) really that narcissistic?

 

i'd move ON! that's where i'd move.

 

he's got you under his thumb - literally... then he complains that it's not enough - or not to his specific liking. geeez, you are in for a long sorry life of nothing but the same thing if you even move in there- much less to marry that selfish, demanding jerk. he's no man. he just knows you might be willing to settle for the crumbs he is offering. don't do it.

 

 

and sometimes that is the way I see it and why I keep him at arm's length. But at the same time if it were all about him and he wants what he wants and he wants it NOW or he wants me to make his life easier then why did he stick around after wanting to marry me and having the wedding planned and paid for TWICE? Why did he let me "get away" with cancelling it and never setting another date? He talks about he wants me to and everything but knows I won't so he lets it slide. He thought we were moving in together in December. but I didn't and instead of calling everything off and moving back he stayed. I may make his life a little easier in some respects (I cook dinner sometimes, I pick his son up from daycare when he can't) but truthfully his life would be MUCH easier if he just broke up with me and moved back with his parents. HIs parents used to watch his son all the time (for free) and he could eventually get his own place again and live in the town his son liked so much (that his parents live in) and he'd have unlimited babysitting (that was the way it was before he moved to live with me).

 

I'm not trying to defend him (actually I making myself and my part in this look worse) but I'm trying to say that while I"d like to think I add something great to his life, maybe I don't... But yet he sticks around so I take that as he really must love me and maybe that's why I'm doing all the things I've done and have doubts. Because he left me before (and at the time I thought everything was fine and I was doing everything a good girlfriend should) that I keep pushing buttons and pushing him away and seeing if he'll leave me. maybe I'm subconsciously doing this to see if its "safe" to totally let down my guard.

[Phateless]

Makes sense, Lexi, and sometimes I feel like my gf does the same thing to me. Push me away to see if I'll really leave.

[carhill]

maybe I'm subconsciously doing this to see if its "safe" to totally let down my guard.

 

My wife was still thinking this way after we got married, unbeknown to me at the time, and the progression of that is why I'm getting a D. Why should I let someone who's not all-in suck the life and love out of me? I know, rhetorical question

 

I can't count how many times I heard the "I was about to when you xxx" and "I wanted to and then you xxx". What a load of cr@p. Take a dump or get Depends

[Chocolat]

maybe I'm subconsciously doing this to see if its "safe" to totally let down my guard.

 

Lexi, these feelings may be understandable but your actions are not ok. Perhaps you need IC to help you address the reasons you can't commit to this man. Continuing as you are is a recipe for failure, imo. Either he will get fed up and leave (or stray) or you will suck the love right out of him, as Carhill suggests. No one can be tested constantly. If you cannot trust him as a result of his leaving you for his ex (I am not sure I could), then you need to let go of the r/s.

 

Even worse than how unfair this is to him is the impact on his son who, from all accounts, has a difficult relationship with his mother and wants to be part of a traditional family (you his dad and him).

[hotgurl]

LExi,

what you are doing is really unfair to him and his son.

 

How would you feel if he did this to you?

 

you are obviously punishing him for leaving you a while ago. I don't think you ever got over it.

 

You need to make a decision either move in or break up.

[BlueEyedDevil]

lexi-

 

are you afraid you may move in, get married- give him undoubted trust again- and then he will cheat on you again?

 

i was like that with my BF, who i lived with- he cheated, i forgave. but i never copuld get over it myself. i didn't trust him and it ate me up to the point that i had to end it.... it took a year, but i had to for my well being- plus it wasn't fair to him- but it was more for my sake.

[lexi29]

lexi-

 

are you afraid you may move in, get married- give him undoubted trust again- and then he will cheat on you again?

 

i was like that with my BF, who i lived with- he cheated, i forgave. but i never copuld get over it myself. i didn't trust him and it ate me up to the point that i had to end it.... it took a year, but i had to for my well being- plus it wasn't fair to him- but it was more for my sake.

 

 

I'm not really afraid of him cheating on me. I don't think he'd do that. He hasn't done it yet and even when he left me for his ex- he didn't cheat. He ended things with me and then began things with her (but he didn't tell me the reason for the break up other than he felt smothered and we were fighting- so he lied to me about the reason he left me). But to give him credit (because I HAVE dated guys who cheated on me) he didn't sneak around behind my back and when he wanted to try things with her he DID end things with me first. But yes, along those lines, I AM afraid that if I move in, get married etc that maybe he'll meet someone else or bump into an ex (what happened two years ago) somewhere and decide that suddenly he really doesn't want me anymore. He says that won't happen and that losing me made him see what he really wants and he KNOWS that he wants to be with me and get married etc. I guess I am just scared that if I give him everything he wants he won't want it anymore.

 

He says he doesn't know what he can do or say to make me feel secure (he's already given me the ring, wanted to get married, he always tells me where he's going, calls when he says he will, doesn't lie to me etc) so there aren't any trust issues from anything else. It seems like (and I've do some individual cousenling about this issue) that I have abandoment issues- my dad was always threatening to leave when I was young, threatening to send me away to live with my grandparents, threatening to take my mom and move hours away and leave my sister and I to live with relatives so I had to grow up with that uncertainty although nothing ever happened and my parents are still together. Growing up, whenever I tried to be perfect, so my dad would love me or at least not yell and put me down all the time, it seemed like the better daughter I was (doing everything right) the more he hated me or treated me badly. Or he would be proud and then I would do one tiny thing that wasn't perfect- like getting a "bad" grade of a B or not winning a competition and he'd treat me like I was worthless.

 

So with my fiance, because of him leaving me for his ex (when I thought we were fine and I was doing everything "right") I think that I do test him (without meaning to) because it relieves my anxiety. The first time, after I called off the wedding and he didn't leave me and still loved me I felt such relief!! I totally stopped worrying about him leaving me for someone else and just enjoyed the relationship. Then when the 2nd wedding date came around I got really anxious and then when it passed (and I told him I couldnt go thru with it and he was upset but still didn't leave) I felt safe again. Same thing with moving in, when I told him I didn't want to move in right away (even though he wanted me to and those were our plans) he let it slide and I felt like 'wow he really does love me because I can do all this and he doesn't break up with me. He will even say that he knows I would never be able to find another guy who would "put up" with what I've done. He says that no one in their right mind would stay with someone who called off two weddings, refuses to move in and doesn't keep her word. Which is true, I WOULDN'T put up with it from a guy who I was engaged to or dating. So I ask him why he does it and he says because he loves me and wants to be with me and knows this is part of me and that maybe he likes the challenge and that he hopes I just change and move in/get married.

[BlueEyedDevil]

some of my friends got married at the court house, with out telling anyone. they had a date set for the "real wedding" already. but they said it was less stress for them this way, to do it themselves and when the "public" wedding rolled around(a few months later), since they were already married, they had a less stressed time and enjoyed themselves more.

 

just a thought....