Fiance acting distant

[James1984]

I expect this rubber band to continue for some time.

 

Yup, definate rubber banding here, some REAL tension needs to be taken out of the situation.

 

I suggest giving them space, but don't make it look like you're doing it for the sake of fixing things...

 

make it look as though you're genuinely busy, like going to the gym or whatever. Always keep an eye on his INTEREST LEVEL and give space accordingly.

[Phateless]

I'm not really afraid of him cheating on me. I don't think he'd do that. He hasn't done it yet and even when he left me for his ex- he didn't cheat. He ended things with me and then began things with her (but he didn't tell me the reason for the break up other than he felt smothered and we were fighting- so he lied to me about the reason he left me). But to give him credit (because I HAVE dated guys who cheated on me) he didn't sneak around behind my back and when he wanted to try things with her he DID end things with me first. But yes, along those lines, I AM afraid that if I move in, get married etc that maybe he'll meet someone else or bump into an ex (what happened two years ago) somewhere and decide that suddenly he really doesn't want me anymore. He says that won't happen and that losing me made him see what he really wants and he KNOWS that he wants to be with me and get married etc. I guess I am just scared that if I give him everything he wants he won't want it anymore.

 

He says he doesn't know what he can do or say to make me feel secure (he's already given me the ring, wanted to get married, he always tells me where he's going, calls when he says he will, doesn't lie to me etc) so there aren't any trust issues from anything else. It seems like (and I've do some individual cousenling about this issue) that I have abandoment issues- my dad was always threatening to leave when I was young, threatening to send me away to live with my grandparents, threatening to take my mom and move hours away and leave my sister and I to live with relatives so I had to grow up with that uncertainty although nothing ever happened and my parents are still together. Growing up, whenever I tried to be perfect, so my dad would love me or at least not yell and put me down all the time, it seemed like the better daughter I was (doing everything right) the more he hated me or treated me badly. Or he would be proud and then I would do one tiny thing that wasn't perfect- like getting a "bad" grade of a B or not winning a competition and he'd treat me like I was worthless.

 

So with my fiance, because of him leaving me for his ex (when I thought we were fine and I was doing everything "right") I think that I do test him (without meaning to) because it relieves my anxiety. The first time, after I called off the wedding and he didn't leave me and still loved me I felt such relief!! I totally stopped worrying about him leaving me for someone else and just enjoyed the relationship. Then when the 2nd wedding date came around I got really anxious and then when it passed (and I told him I couldnt go thru with it and he was upset but still didn't leave) I felt safe again. Same thing with moving in, when I told him I didn't want to move in right away (even though he wanted me to and those were our plans) he let it slide and I felt like 'wow he really does love me because I can do all this and he doesn't break up with me. He will even say that he knows I would never be able to find another guy who would "put up" with what I've done. He says that no one in their right mind would stay with someone who called off two weddings, refuses to move in and doesn't keep her word. Which is true, I WOULDN'T put up with it from a guy who I was engaged to or dating. So I ask him why he does it and he says because he loves me and wants to be with me and knows this is part of me and that maybe he likes the challenge and that he hopes I just change and move in/get married.

 

Lexi... what are you doing...?

 

You are doing everything you can do to run this relationship into the ground.

 

Support is one thing, but it's time for you to get a grip and make a damn decision already!

 

He's been more than patient with you. You can't be so insecure, trying to destroy your relationship to make sure it will survive. Nothing is for sure.

 

Relationships are a risk in the first place, that's just the way it is. You need to be comfortable with the risk and accept it.

 

If you don't trust him, then get out. If you're planning to stay, this childish teen drama has to go.

[whichwayisup]

This guy is enabling her behaviour for whatever reason(s). Maybe he isn't ready to let go, maybe he's settling and just waiting to see what will happen. Either way, he obviously loves her - But the problem is from day one their lives havent' meshed well at all and too many issues and problems have happened.

[Tizzy]

This is a seriously dysfunctional relationship. I personally could not be happy in something like that. This man is either crazy as hell, ridiculously in love with you, desperate, or some combination of those 3 things. He sure has a lot of patience, I'll give him that.

 

Lexi, I think you need some therapy to address your abandonment issues. Maybe call off the engagement for the moment (since it's clear you don't plan on marrying him anytime soon) and get your mind together then figure out what you want with this guy. Honestly, from this whole thread I have not gotten a single inkling that you really care anything about this guy. To me, everything you've written has made you sound pretty self-centered and nonchalant in the relationship. This may or may not be the case, but either way your relationship does not sound like a healthy or mutually loving one. It sounds like he cares about you but you don't care about him, and you just want him to keep proving how much he loves you even though you know you could care less about him. Maybe step away from it for awhile and see it for what it is, and determine for yourself (without relying on what you fiance thinks) whether this r/s is a good thing for you or not. If you do decide to continue on in it, realize that something will have to change. Since we can only change ourselves, you'll have to start by changing your own behavior. Maybe then the two of you can start acting more like a team of two people who love one another and want to build something together, rather than 2 people at odds with one always leading a chase.