pollswolls Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 My husband & I split for about a year. We're back together & working things out. During the separation I did start chatting with another man online. He (at the time of the separation) wanted to take me out on a date. I never accepted (I have never met him face to face) We still chat online ~ Yesterday, he told me about fantasies he has about me & that he wishes he could find a woman just like me. (He is divorced) I have no feelings other than online friendship for this man. He talks about his 'random' dates. And then tells me that none of these women compare to me. He wants someone with the same personality as I do. He refers to me as his therapist. I am a "tell it like it is" kinda gal. Anyway, I don't talk a lot about myself or my husband with him mostly because he gets jealous & shuts down the conversatino if it turns to my personal life. Should I nip this in the bud before it gets any deeper than it is? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 You have to dump this guy and focus on your husband. This man is outright flirting with you and it's now an inappropriate friendship..I'm assuming you wouldn't like your husband to have an online female friend who flirts with him, someone who wants him.. Fact too, this man gets jealous when you talk about your marriage, your husband. Definately back off of him and distance yourself..This man isn't your 'friend', he is trying to date you! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 So, OP, if he wanted to date you while you were separated and that didn't interest you, why did/do you continue talking to him? Think about that. It will be important for the reconciliation process. I hope you're in MC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pollswolls Posted May 14, 2009 Author Share Posted May 14, 2009 No not in MC. We did that last spring - it worked a little - but after we quit we got much better (I blame it on a loser of a MC) I continued chatting....Mostly because it does break up the monotony of the day. I have a job where i am pretty much on my own 8 hrs. in front of a computer. He is entertaining. He's a train-wreck!! And, I guess it also makes me feel pretty good that I"m not in the dating world & that I declined when he asked me out. And you're right - I'm sure I wouldn't like it if my H were doing it. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 Cheaters often, at least in the beginning , and always in EAs - feel that thier actions and communications are harmless. That they dont affect their real life, their marriage, their spouse. ESPECIALLY when they say "its just a distraction" or " I have no feelings about this person". It isnt harmless. It is harmless to you maybe. But harmful to your marriage. Period. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 Wow.. you need to stop contacting this loser.. Anyone who fall head over heels with someone they've never met (Internet or otherwise).. are really desperate.. really really desperate.. it's pathetic.. He is in love with 'fantasy'.. this is NOT healthy.. Stop it right away.. before he goes psycho.. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 Hey, if my experiences with female friends are any guide, chat up some women. Train-wrecks abound With the boredom issue solved, find a different MC. Just like with romantic partners, you and H must be compatible with your MC for therapy to work. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 If your sharing fantasies and inappropriate talk is taking place, then yes your in an ea. If I where you, I'd break away and fast. You need to focus on your marriage and forget this online flirt. Mea:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author pollswolls Posted May 14, 2009 Author Share Posted May 14, 2009 I'm not really doing any of the flirting. He knows that I'm with my husband & we are working things out. Up until yesterday it was pretty much just talk about his dating life. (There were the occasional...'Pouting because I wouldn't meet him- conversations) But I have made it clear that we were online friends & that would be the extent of it. He seems like a nice enough guy - but definitely not my type as far as dating goes. He's a total douch! & is probably a really nice guy, but treats women like he's the bad boy - his theory is that women don't want the nice guys anymore. They always finish last.! I think you're all right - I need to get away from this guy just in case he goes pshycho. Can't have that:eek: Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 I'm not really doing any of the flirting. He knows that I'm with my husband & we are working things out. Up until yesterday it was pretty much just talk about his dating life. (There were the occasional...'Pouting because I wouldn't meet him- conversations) But I have made it clear that we were online friends & that would be the extent of it. He seems like a nice enough guy - but definitely not my type as far as dating goes. He's a total douch! & is probably a really nice guy, but treats women like he's the bad boy - his theory is that women don't want the nice guys anymore. They always finish last.! I think you're all right - I need to get away from this guy just in case he goes pshycho. Can't have that:eek: I think you should stop not because he may be psycho, but because IMO it's inappropriate. All EA's start as innocent conversation and lead to much more. The offending parties continue to justify the next step up the ladder. Does your husband know about your online chatting with this man? Let's look at it this way, would you have a problem with you husband engaging in "innocent" online chat with another woman, and you where unaware of this going on. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 Is this considered to be an EA? Well, it seems to me that if you would be unwilling to share all of the emails with your husband then yes, it's quite likely that you're having an EA. And a definite "yes" if there's sexual content. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 Is this considered to be an EA? Well, it seems to me that if you would be unwilling to share all of the emails with your husband then yes, it's quite likely that you're having an EA. And a definite "yes" if there's sexual content. I totally agree here. It seems you have become reliant on this man to get you through the day. Do you look forward to logging in and seeing him there online? Or can you take it or leave it? If you are getting attached to this routine you are definitely developing and EA. I would get out of this now so it doesn't become a lifestyle. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pollswolls Posted May 14, 2009 Author Share Posted May 14, 2009 You all have made excellent points. No I probably wouldn't like it if my husband did it.No I wouldn't have a problem sharing our IM's with him. He'd probably get a kick our of some of the things the other man has said to me No I don't look forward to chatting with him on a daily basis. I can take it or leave it.Yes....It does help pass the time when we do chat. And it's fun to bust his balls since he's out there treating other women badly.The thing is - as with LoveShack - it does become a little addictive. So, separating now before it gets any deeper than it already has - Is a good idea! Thanks Guys!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 You all have made excellent points. No I probably wouldn't like it if my husband did it.No I wouldn't have a problem sharing our IM's with him. He'd probably get a kick our of some of the things the other man has said to me No I don't look forward to chatting with him on a daily basis. I can take it or leave it.Yes....It does help pass the time when we do chat. And it's fun to bust his balls since he's out there treating other women badly.The thing is - as with LoveShack - it does become a little addictive. So, separating now before it gets any deeper than it already has - Is a good idea! Thanks Guys!!!! And LS will be a great replacement!!! Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 And LS will be a great replacement!!! I totally agree. Just can't stay away from this place. Link to post Share on other sites
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