The Get Back Together With Your Ex Checklist

[Nuala83]

In a weak moment today I went searching the internet for some false hope. It looks unlikely in my situation that my ex will want to reconcile but there's still that hope in the back of my mind. Anyways, I came across this checklist and I think some of the points are good. Dunno if it's of any use to any one but I thought I'd post in anyways.

 

So here's a list of the things which should be sorted out or be in the process of being sorted out in order for reconciliation to occur and be successful long term.

 

 

Past issue have been resolved. Admittedly this might be hard for most people to answer. How do you define ‘resolved’? This depends on your unique situation but as long as you and your ex are willing to resolve these issues together, place a tick next to this one.

 

You learned a lesson. Break ups don’t just happen out of nowhere and for no good reason. If you’re struggling to figure out this one, perhaps you haven’t looked deep enough yet. On the other hand maybe you have learnt several lessons. Jot them down.

 

Future looks bright and promising. When you look to the future of your relationship, does it differ from your past? I hope so. Understand that you and your partner will change and your relationship will change. Does that scare you?

 

You can live without them. One of the biggest lessons that you should have learned from the break up is that you don’t ‘need’ your partner in your life. You can enjoy life just as much without them in it. Of course that doesn’t mean you should or you have to, just that you know you’ll be fine if a break up was to happen again.

 

Your life goals and core beliefs are aligned. Your goals doesn’t need to match, in fact it’s good to have differing goals in life, but what IS important is that you compliment one another and your core beliefs also go together well. Remember you will be with this person for a long time (if all goes well) make sure you get off on a good start.

 

Willing to compromise. Understand that things won’t always go the way you want and sometimes you will have to sacrifice a thing or two for the sake of the relationship. Be prepared to give and take a little.

 

You’re confident your ex is coming back because he/she loves you for you. Clearly I wouldn’t want you to go back into an abusive or unhealthy relationship. This means, your ex should have respect for you and are willing to put effort into this relationship as much as you will.

 

You love your ex for them, not for who you want them to be. On the flip side to the last point, you also have to accept your ex for who they are. Don’t try to change them because there’s a part of them you’re not happy with. It’s best to focus your energy on elements you CAN change, such as yourself.

 

Willing to put the past behind you. Remember don’t live and dwell on the past. Each new day with your partner is another day of fun, love and compassion. I hate holding grudges as it’s just stupid to hold onto something that has already happened. There’s nothing you can do about it, but there IS something you can do about the present.

 

Continue the relationship with you… give regular love and attention to yourself first. Just because you’re with someone romantically doesn’t mean you should stop the relationship you’ve developed with yourself. You should always continue to improve and better yourself or you might find an unhappiness brewing just underneath the surface waiting to explode in the future. Take care of your needs too.

[playlislay]

I really like this despite knowing that my second chance isnt coming. (

 

Thanks!

[Nuala83]

Me too playlislay. And my second chance isn't coming either

[Soul Bear]

You forgot something on that very well put together list...

 

H O N E S T Y

 

Be honest, not only with yourself, but with your X as well.

The truth will set you free.

 

Dont give up. If you truly love him/her DO NOT GIVE UP. Belief in yourself and them will go a long way...think about this one.

 

Show them that you care about them. Forgive yourself and forgive them. You might be forgiven in return.

 

DONT SAY NO to a friendship. This can SOMETIMES be a door left open.

 

Be the best YOU, that you can possibly be.

 

STAY POSITIVE!!!

 

 

When you fell of your bike for the first time, did you just say ''im not doing that again!''

 

DONT GO NC unless they have said 'I Never want to see you again'

This contact throughout the breakup can actually help both of you.

With that said though, you must still respect each other, if you are writing to beg then leave it out. If you are writing to let them know about realisations, i say GO FOR IT!...

 

Still good to keep limited contact though, and ALLWAYS cut the conversation short, you are the one who 'has to go'. Im even putting kisses at the end of my messages to her and get some back. This is progress, whether you like it or not.

 

This is what I have done, and i gotta say, that we are on speaking terms again, and I have a feeling that things are gonna look up very very soon. Only after alot of hard work.

 

One more thing...

When you go to meet up with them for the first time since the split, make them a handmade card. Something on it that means alot to you both. Inside, dont write how much you miss them and want them back bla bla bla

Instead, write something inside that will trigger some nostalgia in them. Like 'remember that time we did ....' or 'remember that time we saw such and such' and find a nice picture to put on the front. Be origonal!

 

Now i know that some people are gonna read this and say NO, thats wrong. But follow you heart and be truthfull. You have to show them that you really, genuinely care for them. You have to make them feel like no one else can give them what you have to give, and have both been through together.

 

If its only been a short relationship, i.e a month or so- then forget it. If you broke up that soon its never gonna work right now. But if you have been together for months and months, or even years, then NEVER GIVE UP IF YOU TRULY LOVE THAT PERSON.

 

Lets try and keep this thread POSITIVE

 

SoulBear

 

I only managed 24 hours away from LS....oh dear. Addiction sets in!

Im here to bring hope. Hope is what keeps the world alive. You can skin me for doing so, i dont care. This place needs some positivity!

[not_a_happy_camper]

 

DONT GO NC unless they have said 'I Never want to see you again'

This contact throughout the breakup can actually help both of you.

With that said though, you must still respect each other, if you are writing to beg then leave it out. If you are writing to let them know about realisations, i say GO FOR IT!...

 

I don't agree with this. NC, although I wasn't aware there was a term for it when we broke up, is VERY important. When a relationship ends, sure there is always the hope that it will begin again. But the likelihood is that it's over, for good. NC is best for healing..............which lets face it, is the best thing for you, whether you get back together or not. you need to be in a better place for YOU, regardless of other factors. And sometimes it's hard to see what's best for you when the person who dumps you is clouding your emotions. you don't do it for their benefit, you do it for your own benefit. If at a later point, when you are at a better stage and more clearly able to see what YOU want, then by all means, break NC. and most important...................DO NOT BEG!!!

[Soul Bear]

NC is for healing. Not for working through it together. NC for a MONTH is just crazy. sorry, but thats my take on it. No one takes a month to cool off. A week, yes. NC for a month is to get over someone or manipulate them into coming back.

 

 

LC is good. But again, every R is different and every scenario is different. I am only stating what has worked for ME.

You will know what is right for you, your heart will know what your meant to do.

As Carhill put it to me 'you found your own path'.

Take what you read on this site and use it, but try to find what YOU are meant to do.

 

 

I read THE WHOLE second chance forum. The lot.

What did I learn?- That i should do what I feel is best for me and my situation- as stated in my first post above ^^^^^^

Also, that the ones who generaly made it through, were the ones who kept in touch.

Each to their own

 

 

 

 

 

Your head can often fool you. It is better to listen to your heart.

 

The difference is that your head is the voice of reason and will lead you safely, but your heart will lead you to complete your dreams, even if it is not the safest way to go....Our heads tune out the real messages and reinterpret what we hear. To listen with your heart requires a different kind of listening

[EmperorR]

NC is for you to heal, how can you heal from something if it's there?

 

 

Say no a friendship, why be downgraded to a friendship? I refuse to, heck I can go talk to any girl and be friend zoned pretty easily.

[beedog]

I don't agree with this. NC, although I wasn't aware there was a term for it when we broke up, is VERY important. When a relationship ends, sure there is always the hope that it will begin again. But the likelihood is that it's over, for good. NC is best for healing..............which lets face it, is the best thing for you, whether you get back together or not. you need to be in a better place for YOU, regardless of other factors. And sometimes it's hard to see what's best for you when the person who dumps you is clouding your emotions. you don't do it for their benefit, you do it for your own benefit. If at a later point, when you are at a better stage and more clearly able to see what YOU want, then by all means, break NC. and most important...................DO NOT BEG!!!

NC is for you to heal, how can you heal from something if it's there?

 

Say no a friendship, why be downgraded to a friendship? I refuse to, heck I can go talk to any girl and be friend zoned pretty easily.

Sorry Soul_Bear, I'm agreeing with these two. NC is not for making anybody jealous or getting somebody to miss you, it's for your own sake - so you can heal from the sadness and love yourself first before getting back into a relationship, whether it be with somebody from your past or somebody you've yet to meet

[Nuala83]

SoulBear,

 

I do understand what angle you're coming from but...

I refuse to settle for less than I'm worth.

[Soul Bear]

SoulBear defeated again

 

 

You see what is stopping some of you?

Your pride.

Im sorry to say it, and i mean NO HARM to any of you, but true love does not allow pride and games to come between it.

If its true Love, you would fight with every last breath. Its not going to kill you. Evidently, what doesnt kill you will only make you stronger.

 

Im a minority, i know, Im hated by some on here and loved by others. Thats who I am

 

I would hate for some of you to look back in 10 years and go ''what if I had just tried a bit harder''....

WE WERE THE ONES WHO GOT DUMPED!

Its is US who has something to prove, not the Dumper.

Let go of your ego's and follow your hearts, please folks, for your OWN good. Otherwise, you will end up a pessimist and a grumpy old fart on LS telling people to 'forget about it and move on'

[annxxdisaster]

I don't know. I can see both perspectives. It does really depend on the relationship and the two people involved in it. Just because you're having LC, to me, doesn't equal settling for less than you're worth--which of course varies with relationship to relationship.

 

With my current issues, a few weeks ago my boyfriend and I broke up, it was mostly him wanting the break up. But his actions tell me something completely different than his words and I honestly believe that he is more confused about the whole situation and truly loves me.

 

I'm not sitting around trying to wait for him to make up his mind, if someone else would come along--sure I would go on a date with them and see how it went. But I would still rather at least try to work things out and keep in contact with him because Like Soul_Bear said, I would hate to be thinking ten years later what could be if I had just tried.

 

I'd rather swallow my pride and be shot down now and feel foolish and hate myself for a few months than live for the rest of my life with the nagging 'what if' feeling.

[Miguelrg]

Soul Bear:

 

Most of us do have true love, most of us have tried everythin and most of us have felt the pain when nothing works, that why everybody suggest NC because its experience speaking...

 

The fact is, you may love someone soo much

 

But YOU CAN'T MAKE SOMEBODY LOVE YOU BACK

 

unless you come up with a better solution to healing or getting your ex back nobody is gonna change their thinking

[Soul Bear]

For me, in my situation, the love hasnt just gone. I know she still feels for me, and is probably scared and confused.

 

She left beacuse for a month i was being a d i c k. Im not proud of what I did, i never cheated, but i distanced myself so she would leave. And guess what..it effing worked.

Bad move on my part as I realise now what I had.

You guys choose your path, thats fine. Im only here now to try and help other people find their own way too.

Im not asking for advice anymore, Im trying to give some on what works for me.

 

I see NO PROBLEM with me offering people something that could help them.

 

 

You cant make someone love you back, no. But you can sure as hell try to show them that you are a lovabler person.

 

As i stated before, they left for a reason, something we did. Or at least in my case its like that. Therefor, I have something to prove to her, and myself.

[Nuala83]

 

You see what is stopping some of you?

Your pride.

Im sorry to say it, and i mean NO HARM to any of you, but true love does not allow pride and games to come between it.

 

Soul Bear,

 

Some of your comments have really made me angry. I know you're just trying to give advice as everyone on here is but my reason for not contacting my ex has nothing to do with pride. The reason most people do NC is not to teach their ex a lesson but because they have no other choice.

 

My ex left me after 8 years, he told everyone else we'd broken up LONG before he told me, he immediately ran off with another woman, flaunted his new found love in all over the internet AND in front of our mutual friends then had the nerve to deny the two of them were involved. So excuse me for not running over to his house and posting thoughtful little love letters through his mailbox. I don't speak to him because I can't bear to and I imagine many others on here feel the same.

 

And yes, I did make mistakes when we were together but there is NO justification whatsoever for his actions.

 

 

Sometimes you gotta have some self respect!

[Soul Bear]

Sorry Nuala

 

I didnt know your story

Please accept my most humble apologies. I guess i had it in my head that every ones situations were like myns.

I feel like a fool now.

 

 

Now i know your sitt. i can totaly relate to why you wouldnt want to take any more of his crap, hold onto your pride and keep your head held high.

Im really sorry, i hope you can forgive me....

 

Peace and LOve be with you

Soul Bear

 

 

 

Soul Bear,

 

Some of your comments have really made me angry. I know you're just trying to give advice as everyone on here is but my reason for not contacting my ex has nothing to do with pride. The reason most people do NC is not to teach their ex a lesson but because they have no other choice.

 

My ex left me after 8 years, he told everyone else we'd broken up LONG before he told me, he immediately ran off with another woman, flaunted his new found love in all over the internet AND in front of our mutual friends then had the nerve to deny the two of them were involved. So excuse me for not running over to his house and posting thoughtful little love letters through his mailbox. I don't speak to him because I can't bear to and I imagine many others on here feel the same.

 

And yes, I did make mistakes when we were together but there is NO justification whatsoever for his actions.

 

 

Sometimes you gotta have some self respect!

[ATR]

Soul Bear.

 

You admitted that you ****ed up, learn from this and move on.

 

Leave her be, let her find a man that will treat her 100% right.

Also, from your side, what is the point in running after something that doesn't want to get caught.

 

They way i look at it.

A relationship is like a vase, when you first buy it it's beautiful and you put it on the mantlepiece to show everyone about it.

However when the vase is broken (the break up), it can never be restored to it's original state (once it's broken it's broken). The relationship could never be perfected again. So it is best to go out and buy a new beautiful vase (get a new girl).

 

You say that you know how she feels. No. You do not.

You may think you know how she feels but that could be completely different from what she is actually thinking.

Also you say you are not playing games, well you might be to her. She may see your "honest opinion" as a plan to get her back, which she has to figure out on her own. If you force her back, like you are doing now. If you ever got a second chance, it would fail.

 

What is the point in running after "true love". When you can re-create "true love" again with all the millions of other females on this planet.

 

My view is that you are wasting your time.

[Nuala83]

Soul Bear,

 

Sorry for the rant. I'm just a moody b*tch these days. Like I said, I do see where you're coming from and I'd be very interested to know if your method works.

 

[Nikki Sahagin]

I think that in some situations NC is not the way to go. However in the majority, it is.

 

The first time me and my ex broke up, I did not go NC. He sent me an email. And I sent one admitting and achknowledging all the mistakes I personally made, apologising, forgiving him for his mistakes and wishing him well in life. He sent me one back and that was that. Later on we got back together.....but he damaged the relationship this time. Now he's bitten me twice. When we broke up, I asked if it was definately over, he said yes definately. He did get in touch to wish me well.....but the anger over his behaviour has not subsided.

 

Part of me wanted to get over him as quickly as possible so that we could be friends. Part of me realises I don't even actually LIKE him as a person.

When we got back together he lied to me, withheld information, distanced himself from me, shouted at me in public etc. I felt beaten down, miserable. I actually contemplated cutting myself. I hurt myself for attention from him. Now what I miss was the OLD him. But the NEW him is not that same person. Now perhaps one day far into the future we can be friends again but me emailing him saying I love you, I miss you, etc will only feed his ego and deplete from my self-esteem. Now I already have apologised to him for my mistakes enough times. He hasn't. So there is nothing more for me to say. If anyone needs to say sorry, it is him. Sorry for distancing from you, sorry for ignoring you, sorry for shouting at you. He needs to apologise. Now he is not a bad person or an evil person, he is young, probably confused etc. He wont tell me so i'll never know. But nonetheless he still caused me harm. Until he grows up, apologises or changes, he will still be that person that causes me harm.

 

I miss him...but I actually have no intentions to speak to him or see him. I only associate him with hurt now. I associate him with tears, lies, loneliness. He USED to make me feel amazing, but he pushed so far away from me, that he killed something between us.

 

Maybe one day a friendship is possible....but I do wonder if I want to be friends with someone who can lie to me, hurt me.....there was something toxic in our relationship which would probably still exist in a friendship. For me I am not reaching out, we may speak here and there but I have no intentions to rush myself to being his best friend again. He took a lot out of me and I don't think he fully realising that.

 

NC can be about pride, it can be about manipulation. But for many it really is just cutting out the person that caused you pain, hurt, humiliation. Whether you will speak to them again one day or not - you need to escape all that nonsense that existed between you. Now I feel kind of weary of him. Anything he writes to me I second-guess because I don't even believe his words anymore. Now could I be friends with a guy who I don't believe? I could but it would be a little pointless.

 

There is no right or wrong I don't think. Keep talking to them if you wish, each individual will know whether that feels right or wrong for them.

[Soul Bear]

Soul Bear.

 

You admitted that you ****ed up, learn from this and move on.

 

Leave her be, let her find a man that will treat her 100% right.

Also, from your side, what is the point in running after something that doesn't want to get caught.

 

They way i look at it.

A relationship is like a vase, when you first buy it it's beautiful and you put it on the mantlepiece to show everyone about it.

However when the vase is broken (the break up), it can never be restored to it's original state (once it's broken it's broken). The relationship could never be perfected again. So it is best to go out and buy a new beautiful vase (get a new girl).

 

You say that you know how she feels. No. You do not.

You may think you know how she feels but that could be completely different from what she is actually thinking.

Also you say you are not playing games, well you might be to her. She may see your "honest opinion" as a plan to get her back, which she has to figure out on her own. If you force her back, like you are doing now. If you ever got a second chance, it would fail.

 

What is the point in running after "true love". When you can re-create "true love" again with all the millions of other females on this planet.

 

My view is that you are wasting your time.

 

 

That is the biggest pile of horsesh*t i have ever heard!

Relationships are NOT like a vase....Its not some piece of china when glued back together it looks like crap.

Neutrons and Protons split apart all the time and get back together to form better atmospheres and stronger balances in nature and space than ever before.

Looking at love and relationships like a vase is a pessimist view if you ask me and a cowerdly way out.. How on earth could any one ever fix a broken relationship if they look at it that way?!

 

You quite obvioulsy have not found a love worth fighting for if your view is as such.

 

Your 'view' of our relationship is a bunch of tosh too.

''She may see your "honest opinion" as a plan to get her back, which she has to figure out on her own. If you force her back, like you are doing now. If you ever got a second chance, it would fail.''

Why on earth would it Fail?? I have searched my soul and grown, I just have not let go. There is the difference. If i was mopeing all the time and not grown then tes it would fail. Lucky that isnt the case ATR..

 

She knows me well, and i am certainly not forcing her back into anything. I dont want to guilt trip her into coming back. Thats why I have forgiven her and myself. Then she has no pressure to return, she will do so on her on free will.

I am a fighter, and I believe in the love we share. No man, woman or cyber psycologist alike is going to stop me doing what i believe in and fight for our love. I follow my own rules.

Im not going to bother explaining myself to you, you quite clearly have NO view of my situation.

Ill agree to disagreee with you ATR

 

 

One more thing...this is the 2nd chance forums. Not the breakup or coping forum. If you want to preach about love and Relationships like a vase and to let go, go do it to the people who might actually be interested in hearing it and benefit from it another forum, like the 'coping' forum. :]

[Nuala83]

Soul Bear.

What is the point in running after "true love". When you can re-create "true love" again with all the millions of other females on this planet.

 

I don't know ATR. Sometimes there's a very good reason to run after true love (and by run I don't mean beg and plead). I'm also not sure that you can re-create "true love" with all the millions of other males/females on the planet. You can definitely love again, that I'm sure of. But I don't think true love comes along that many times in most peoples lives. It's understandable that people don't wanna let it go....it's just a shame that sometimes there's no choice

[Soul Bear]

I don't know ATR. Sometimes there's a very good reason to run after true love (and by run I don't mean beg and plead). I'm also not sure that you can re-create "true love" with all the millions of other males/females on the planet. You can definitely love again, that I'm sure of. But I don't think true love comes along that many times in most peoples lives. It's understandable that people don't wanna let it go....it's just a shame that sometimes there's no choice

 

 

Well put Nuala

 

The time when there is no choice but to let go, is the time when you cant be bothered fighting for it anymore, or want to let go.

 

'True Love' is rare. Yes you can love again, but true love is worth fighting for. Only we ourselves know when it is. No one else can tell us when to give up or to keep fighting.

 

Sometimes there's a very good reason to run after true love (and by run I don't mean beg and plead). Instead of begging and pleading it involves something rather more sincere, it comes from within. If your open to it, you will be guided by your higher self.

 

 

 

When you feel that deep connection with someone on a level that is undescribable in words, you know that it is true love.

My previous ex was a trophy, that was not love, it was lust.

 

My current ex is my soul mate, twin flame, and I have a feeling for her that goes deeper than anything else that people describe on this site.

That is why I take such offence to people telling me to give up and let go, when I make it pretty clear that it's not an option.

 

 

As it stands, its a battle of the self, and higher self.

Its a battle between the ego, and the super-ego.

When you can meet that pain you feel, underneath all the many layers, when you reach the bottom of it all, past the anger, the guilt, the sadness the hurt...what is it that you feel? Its love. True Love is rare. Love must be cherished.

[Miguelrg]

Soul Bear, how are you today?

 

I don't think anybody is trying to offend you, infact quite the opposite, but if you want truth, honesty, opinions, that was this site is for and you don't have to take the advice but don't get angry because 90% of the people tell you the same thing and it's not the advice you want to hear.

 

I think most people just think why are you so adament to get shot down when if your ex felt the same you'd still be together?

And if your so sure your going to get back with her why don't you go and practise what you preach?

 

I doubt anyone wants to offend you, but don't just listen to what you want to listen to and take all other advice as nonsense

 

Migs

[Soul Bear]

Miguel, Im good thankyou, how are you?

 

I am practicing what I preach. And what I preach is thinking for myself/yourself, and have others encourage you to go with what you want to do.

 

 

If you believe in it enough, anything is possible.

 

I only know of a few others here that will encourage people to act on what they believe is right for them.

NOT what you believe is right for them.

That is not advice, its manipulation!

 

 

 

People here should be encouraging everyone to think for themselves, and be supportive of whatever it is that they chose to do. For those of you who dont, you are not doing anyone a service, but rather a dis service.

 

And yes, 90% of people on here do say the same thing. Its not what I want to here because it is not supportive of what I believe is right for me.

Does that make sense?

[JeezLouise]

Soul Bear? Just a thought on a recurring theme that you have been rocking and rolling on in the past week.

 

It's nice that you forgive her and all, but you may want to stop harping on that. SHE may feel that she has done nothing to be "forgiven" for. She broke up with you and has been honest and straighforward with you about it.

 

If my X sent me an email, being all self-congratulatory that he has enough self insight within a week to forgive me for what I have done, then I would probably roll my eyes and be even more sure that I made the right decision.

[Soul Bear]

I understand where you are all coming from, and Im really sorry if I am being a prick...

 

She had done alot of bad things to me in the past, i dont want to elaborate to much, but they gave me some trust issues. I would use them as a 'weapon' when we argued, and i would always drag them up and try to use them to my advantage and make her feel bad, or 'win' the argument. When i found i was able to forgive her, truly forgive, i felt my resentment towards her subside. Those were some big issues in our R. When i felt myself let go of that, and leave it in the past where it truly belongs, i felt better. Thats all I was saying.

 

 

 

its been 7 weeks since we split not a week. I could never have done or realised that after a week...I was still to angry and confused.

 

 

I feel like Im pis sing into the wind here a bit. I have only being trying to share with everyone what is going on inside of me, and i really didnt mean to pis s anyone off.

 

Im sure I have come across to most on here in a bad light, but thats ok i guess, ill never meet any of you. I have been trying to share what has worked to help me get through my issues, and I was hopeing that someone, anyone, could take even a snippet of what i was saying and use it to their advantage.

 

On a happy note, and back to the theme of this thread, i was having a chat wit a married friend of mine just now, and she gave me some interesting views. Here is the interesting bit, it goes with what I am saying about persuing the one you love AND with you guys too.

Instead of her man giving up and going NC, he was understanding and careing, he persued to show that he cared. We are not talking about begging and pleading here, just about persuing the one you love, with love.

 

After she said she was going back to her ex, he said he was going to move on. The only thing that made her go back to him was the fact that he has shown so much love for her until she met someone else. After that she realised that she didnt want to be with anyone else.