The Get Back Together With Your Ex Checklist

[robinincarolina]

Soul Bear

I broke off a relationship with a man a care deeply about because after 10 months he started the I am not sure what I want or if I am ready for a relationship. I had not put any pressure on him prior to this. He just started getting distant and when I inquired, that is what he told me. I broke it off right there and then without talking it through with him. Its been 2 weeks and we finally talked last night for about an hour. Still don't know where its going, but I do know he cares about me very much. So Thank you for your advice on following your heart as I think I am going to do just that. I was following the nc rule, but now that I read this I am not so sure thats what I want to do. Thank you again for your inspiration.

[Soul Bear]

Soul Bear

So Thank you for your advice on following your heart as I think I am going to do just that. I was following the nc rule, but now that I read this I am not so sure thats what I want to do. Thank you again for your inspiration.

 

Thankyou Robin for your vote of confidence

I am very happy that I can help someone else, not just myself.

I wish you all the very best and may following your heart bring you your hearts desire.

 

Peace and Light be with you

SoulBear

[Nuala83]

Willing to put the past behind you. Remember don’t live and dwell on the past. Each new day with your partner is another day of fun, love and compassion. I hate holding grudges as it’s just stupid to hold onto something that has already happened. There’s nothing you can do about it, but there IS something you can do about the present.

 

I was just wondering, if you were dumped and the dumper treated you badly throughout the process, how many of you out there would be able to put the past behind you? I know you shouldn't hold a grudge but when betrayal/lying/cheating's been involved, can you really forgive???

[Miguelrg]

Hey Nuala,

 

I got to breaking point today, my ex owed me some money and decided she didn't fancy payin me because ' the more she thought about it and spoke to people' it didn't feel right.

 

As she took my to work and cooked for me.

 

how petty is that?

 

Right now i feel sorry for my ex, pity her even, shes selfish in-considerate and oblivious to anyones feelings but her own, right now i couldn't forgive, she's put me through 3 months of hell post break up.

[Soul Bear]

I was just wondering, if you were dumped and the dumper treated you badly throughout the process, how many of you out there would be able to put the past behind you? I know you shouldn't hold a grudge but when betrayal/lying/cheating's been involved, can you really forgive???

 

 

Very good question!

 

I think it depends on the person, how much they hurt you etc..Anyone can forgive, truly forgive. It just takes patience and self reflection. Its a win win, whatever the outcome.

For one, my ex has been pretty hot and cold throughout the process, now she is back in this country today she is being cold again, and then remotely warm, even though she has important mail waiting for her, she told me she would be in touch in a few days.. But to me, that's ok. I cant ram friendship down her throat, nor can I rush a second chance, if there is one ever. Just gotta go real slow.

 

Im not holding it against her anymore- the resentment, the spite, we must remember that it is just as hard for them (in some cases) as it is for us.

At the risk of 'harping on' again about forgivness, when you can do it with sincerity, those feelings of spite/grudge/resentment and anger should subside. Then you dont have any negative emotions stopping you from distorting what is real- how you really feel?!

But to get to that stage, you have to peel away ever layer of negativity inside of you, face the pain of that void without them and not act on it.

 

When you get to the bottom of it all, you find out what your true feelings are.

With that said, if you truly do love them, then you should not be able to harbour these negative feelings for them for a sustained period.

 

Cheating- My previous ex, the one who cheated on me, I bear no grudges against her anymore. It took a while, but sometimes we all make mistakes. We are on friendly terms, and she has been supportive of me throughout my current breakup. We are good friends now, she tells me she misses me and cares about me, but I remember that she was just my 'trophy' gf and she brought me to my love- my recent ex.

[annxxdisaster]

I don't know... if my ex was treating me badly I don't think that I would want to try to reconcile with him and try to make the relationship work and I don't think if he was treating me really badly (abusive, distant all of the time, being an all around ass) during the relationship I would really want to be with him again either.

 

It depends on what he's doing after the break up, obviously it's a very confusing and sticky situation for anyone regardless of people's actions... but if someone isn't at the very least being cordial wouldn't you want to move on?

 

I can't say if it's a respect issue or not, I just know if my current ex wasn't treating me as nice as he is, I wouldn't be the least bit interested in trying to make it work with him.

 

I don't know if this helps or not.

[Soul Bear]

Thats actually very insightful annxxdisaster

Which side of the fence are you on here? dumper or dumpee? (the do-er or the done to?)

 

As it stands, my ex is batteling with her emotions! Im being nice, friendly, nothing more nothing less, and she is blowing warm and cold. That to me seems like she is waaaay confused...

 

 

 

NUALA- This is an excellent thread

Well done

[annxxdisaster]

That's actually a little complicated... um, I was the one who called him one night (I was really, really upset with him for changing plans we had to hang with his friends but I wish I would have calmed down before I called him back) and I told him to come and get his things and that I didn't want to do anything the next night (I was going to a party) and have it be considered cheating.

 

But, then when we talked I apologized and expressed how I still wanted to be with him...but then too I think my actions were different. So it was kind of...both of us? To a certain extent...he was the one saying he didn't know if he wanted to have a girlfriend right then. But after that I've seen him twice and the first time we both acted like we were still together and he did all this lovey-dovey stuff which just made me more confused. (Watching me walk away after dropping me off, being excited to see me)

 

And the second time we were supposed to take his dog for a walk, but for some reason the walk turned into dinner at my place (which included cuddling, holding hands under the blanket when we were watching a movie, and him being late for work the next morning).

 

We have a six year age difference, but I personally don't think that means much of anything except that I can go the bars with him and his friends. And I am a 'baseball widow', or I would be if we were together...and he probably just feels bad about not being able to devote the time he would want to, to me right now. Haha, he's just being a lame-o atm, and I plan to pay him a visit and snag his dog for an actual walk tomorrow.

 

My situation is kinda obvious I guess, he still really, really likes me and loves me and we both express that and he's either protecting himself, me, or both right now by being confused. (He even mentioned that he may regret this later). So I'm telling him that we can start it all over again, first date and everything, and see how it goes from there.

 

The first date idea is more of a ceremonious, letting go of all the bad habits and just adding some more heat to the flames.

[CaliGuy]

Dont give up. If you truly love him/her DO NOT GIVE UP. Belief in yourself and them will go a long way...think about this one.

 

There are many misguided pieces of advice in here. I know you mean well but most of this advice will cause more harm than good.

 

Keep one thing in mind. If your ex is with someone new, then you have no chance in hell of getting them back while they are emotionally invested in someone else. ZERO. They may have "some" emotional attachment to you but that is love. Being IN LOVE is where their heart lies and if they are IN LOVE with someone else, for all intents and purposes you are COMPLETELY off their radar.

 

Show them that you care about them. Forgive yourself and forgive them. You might be forgiven in return.

 

This assumes you did something wrong that caused your ex to dump you. If they are still IN LOVE with you then you have a good chance at a second chance. But if they dumped you to date someone else, you have nothing to be forgiven for.

 

DONT SAY NO to a friendship. This can SOMETIMES be a door left open.

 

Saying yes to a friendship is saying you will accept being second, third, fourth or whatever place (but first) in their life. It's effectively saying you will accept breadcrumbs of their attention. It's saying that you don't love and respect yourself.

 

Be the best YOU, that you can possibly be.

 

STAY POSITIVE!!!

 

Yes but only true in the sense of being positive about life from HERE on OUT without your ex in it.

 

DONT GO NC unless they have said 'I Never want to see you again'

This contact throughout the breakup can actually help both of you.

With that said though, you must still respect each other, if you are writing to beg then leave it out. If you are writing to let them know about realisations, i say GO FOR IT!...

 

Contact after a breakup only makes you cling to false hope longer AND it delays YOUR healing process. Failing to implement NC means you will continue to pile up mistakes that, if there was any hope of reconciliation, you will have destroyed it all.

 

What you don't seem to understand is the feelings of being IN LOVE are not rational. They do not listen to "reason" or "logic". In fact, suffice to say that love is NOT a logical emotion but quite ILLOGICAL. Trying to reason with someone as to why they SHOULD love you is tantamount to beating your head against the wall. Both accomplish the same thing.

 

Still good to keep limited contact though, and ALLWAYS cut the conversation short, you are the one who 'has to go'. Im even putting kisses at the end of my messages to her and get some back. This is progress, whether you like it or not.

 

Just because she maintains contact with you does not mean she is romantically interested in you. What you're suggesting is playing games and in the long run, it doesn't work. It might create temporary positive vibes but in the long you, you're going to lose if she is with someone else.

 

This is what I have done, and i gotta say, that we are on speaking terms again, and I have a feeling that things are gonna look up very very soon. Only after alot of hard work.

 

One more thing...

When you go to meet up with them for the first time since the split, make them a handmade card. Something on it that means alot to you both. Inside, dont write how much you miss them and want them back bla bla bla

Instead, write something inside that will trigger some nostalgia in them. Like 'remember that time we did ....' or 'remember that time we saw such and such' and find a nice picture to put on the front. Be origonal!

 

Now i know that some people are gonna read this and say NO, thats wrong. But follow you heart and be truthfull. You have to show them that you really, genuinely care for them. You have to make them feel like no one else can give them what you have to give, and have both been through together.

 

If its only been a short relationship, i.e a month or so- then forget it. If you broke up that soon its never gonna work right now. But if you have been together for months and months, or even years, then NEVER GIVE UP IF YOU TRULY LOVE THAT PERSON.

 

Lets try and keep this thread POSITIVE

 

SoulBear

 

I only managed 24 hours away from LS....oh dear. Addiction sets in!

Im here to bring hope. Hope is what keeps the world alive. You can skin me for doing so, i dont care. This place needs some positivity!

 

Sorry SoulBear. I believe your advice is well meant but it's suicidal to take for 99% of the population who have been dumped. This advice will simply delay the healing process and will not do anything to bring an Ex back who has already moved on with someone else.

[skreen23]

Yeah, i agree, i like Soul Bears passion but i think maybe you should stand back and reconsider your gameplan. Fear of losing someone is a powerful emotion and can make you do mad things. I'm in the same boat as you soul and i have made contact a handful of times but always made sure i came across as comfortable with her decision even though i wasn't. Last time i spoke to her i finally asked if we were on a break or split-up. She said it sounded better to her if we "split-up." My heart broke and i wanted to scream "no don't leave me" but i said "ok, i respect your decision, i think its a shame but i hope you'll be happy." We talked more and i said goodbye on good terms. Anyway she rang back 5 mins later saying the thought of us splitting up scared her, so i said ok we're back on a break again (deadly). I haven't even half the answers, but i reckon the more you chase the less desireable you look in her eyes.

[Soul Bear]

I was waiting for some more well established members to try and shoot me down

 

Each to their own Gentlemen. If people dont like what I have to say, they dont have to read it or take it as advice.

Much is the same with what you guys say.

Its not about fear of losing someone. Thats already happened. Its about LOVE. the first word of the name of this site. L O V E

Whether we get back together or not, I will be nothing but stronger and wiser from it.

 

 

 

Im begining to feel increseingly picked on here.

 

Im waivering on shutting down this account.

 

Then I can leave you all to condition people top do what you guys feel is best for them, instead of encouraging them to do what they feel is best for themselves.

When i stopped listening to some of you, and listening to myself instead, do you know what happened? I became stronger. Look at robinincarolinas post. She possibly just saved her relationship. Look at Levellers post? He knows what he's doing.

 

 

 

Fair?

 

[skreen23]

No i'm not totally disagreeing with you and i totally feel your frustration. And look, at least you're following your own rules, i admire that. The only concern i have is maybe your passion is clouding your judgement. Just go to a quiet spot in a rural enviroment (works for me) and go over the situation in your head. Actually what i used to do was take magic mushrooms and go for long walks in the country, amazing what you think about, anyway. On my last break with my current gf (good lord) i went to an old burial mound here in ireland (older than pyramids, beat that) and did a lot of thinking. Came to the conclusion if i loved her i would want the best for her and if that meant me not being in her life so be it. Thank God we got back together a week later. You sound like a great guy soul bear and we are in the same boat at the moment, i hope you get back with your ex. But i think we both need to see some getting back together stories. I know they exist.

[andy2009]

I am totally with Soul Bear.

 

NC is good for healing, we know. We here not talking about healing, We are talking about "Second Chances".

But what happens after 10, 20 years: both party miss each other, those memories. It really depends on situations, we all are not same. If second chance works and you really guy who live in the present, whats wrong ?

[CaliGuy]

I was waiting for some more well established members to try and shoot me down

 

Each to their own Gentlemen. If people dont like what I have to say, they dont have to read it or take it as advice.

Much is the same with what you guys say.

Its not about fear of losing someone. Thats already happened. Its about LOVE. the first word of the name of this site. L O V E

Whether we get back together or not, I will be nothing but stronger and wiser from it.

 

 

 

Im begining to feel increseingly picked on here.

 

Im waivering on shutting down this account.

 

Then I can leave you all to condition people top do what you guys feel is best for them, instead of encouraging them to do what they feel is best for themselves.

When i stopped listening to some of you, and listening to myself instead, do you know what happened? I became stronger. Look at robinincarolinas post. She possibly just saved her relationship. Look at Levellers post? He knows what he's doing.

 

 

 

Fair?

 

 

Advice is worth the paper it's written on. The problem is "wishful thinking" vs "practical advice".

 

I think your advice waivers on wishing thinking. Practical advice, that is, advice that garners people towards healthy recovery, does not focus on a second chance but moving on with one's life.

 

If a second chance is to come, there's nothing the dumpee can do to speed it up. It's a change of heart that has to happen from the dumper. What I am trying to explain is simply that by trying to "woo" them over, by trying to lovingly or even forcefully twist their arm into taking you back, you serve to do much more damage and inevitably ruin any possibility of a second chance.

 

If you choose to leave that it on your own accord. Nobody is here to rain on anyone's parade or tell them their situation is hopeless.

 

On the contrary, what most of us here (many of us who have been through the second chance thing a few times) are trying to do is simply help those who have been dumped recover in the shortest amount of time possible.

 

And that can only come via strict NC and acting like it's over for good. That way, if it's not you'll be pleasantly surprised. And if it IS indeed over, you'll have healed much quicker than if you hung to your ex for dear life.

 

Cheers.

[CaliGuy]

I am totally with Soul Bear.

 

NC is good for healing, we know. We here not talking about healing, We are talking about "Second Chances".

But what happens after 10, 20 years: both party miss each other, those memories. It really depends on situations, we all are not same. If second chance works and you really guy who live in the present, whats wrong ?

 

So much is emphasized on getting a second chance that in reality, one tends to ruin the possibility of getting a second chance by pursuing one.

 

Look if you ex wants you back, whether you go full NC or not probably won't matter. But by pursuing that which does not wish to be caught, you will mostly likely destroy that second chance.

 

The point of NC is to get to the point where if a second chance does present itself, you can refuse it, if that is what you wish. Often times we get those second chances and end up regretting them because not only does it not work the second time (for most people), you end up setting your healing back by that much more time.

 

Cheers.

[Miguelrg]

soulbear don't go anywhere, just stick around and check how things change over the next month or 2!

 

i myself had a weak day, back and forth about money which i finally let go over and basically got a lot of things i wanted to tell my ex good and bad since the day we split.

 

she replied with..... wait for it

 

 

 

your right, i dont really care anymore!

 

NC all the way baby!

[hopesndreams]

I was waiting for some more well established members to try and shoot me down

 

Each to their own Gentlemen. If people dont like what I have to say, they dont have to read it or take it as advice.

Much is the same with what you guys say.

Its not about fear of losing someone. Thats already happened. Its about LOVE. the first word of the name of this site. L O V E

Whether we get back together or not, I will be nothing but stronger and wiser from it.

 

 

 

Im begining to feel increseingly picked on here.

 

Im waivering on shutting down this account.

 

Then I can leave you all to condition people top do what you guys feel is best for them, instead of encouraging them to do what they feel is best for themselves.

When i stopped listening to some of you, and listening to myself instead, do you know what happened? I became stronger. Look at robinincarolinas post. She possibly just saved her relationship. Look at Levellers post? He knows what he's doing.

 

 

 

Fair?

 

 

What's fair? I'll pipe in and say that what is fair is that people in pain from heartbreak need to hear the truth. The first stage of a breakup is denial but one has to move on from that because to be stuck in that stage is damaging to their emotional health. When NC does not bring who you love back, then it's over, really over. Then you have the acceptance stage and one must reach that stage in order to recover.

[Steadfast]

What's fair? I'll pipe in and say that what is fair is that people in pain from heartbreak need to hear the truth. The first stage of a breakup is denial but one has to move on from that because to be stuck in that stage is damaging to their emotional health. When NC does not bring who you love back, then it's over, really over. Then you have the acceptance stage and one must reach that stage in order to recover.

 

As much as this hurts the heart, it's true. I understand what you're saying Soul Bear and you're approach has some merit. I say this because to bring a measure of peace to my own mind, I had to let my ex 'off the hook' for her transgressions. That's doesn't mean I like it, or support it, I did it for me...not her. I already love her. She's selfish and self centered. I don't respect those 'qualities' and quite frankly, I deserve better. I am alone.

 

She called while I was typing this. I ignored it. Why? Because what's right is right. If we are honest and faithful then we at least deserve honesty in return. Just come out and tell the truth. Man (or woman) up. Bin the confusion and all the wishy-washy crap that just prolongs the pain and suffering. Enough already! We ALL know what a good relationship is like! It is GOOD!! What's so hard to understand about that?

[annxxdisaster]

I think what may bug Soulbear the most is a statement like that... just because something may not be working at the moment doesn't mean it's not good.

[Steadfast]

I think what may bug Soulbear the most is a statement like that... just because something may not be working at the moment doesn't mean it's not good.

 

I agree completely, but get real! At the moment? I don't know Soul Bear's story by heart, but if I recall correctly his situation has been going on for some months. That's his business for sure, and so is how he handles it. I think he makes good points for his direction and again, I think his motivation is sound. Just...don't make excuses. I didn't join LS after I had a spat with my loving spouse...none of us did. We're the walking wounded in here.

 

I came to this site to gain good advice for healing, and to share some of what I've learned. I don't need anymore lessons in understanding the mind of the weak and selfish. I understand well, being far from perfect myself.

[Nuala83]

Hmmm I'm sensing a bit of tension brewing in the group. So, back to the original thread (the checklist isn't mine by the way I just found it). I like this on the best. Good common sense.

 

Continue the relationship with you… give regular love and attention to yourself first. Just because you’re with someone romantically doesn’t mean you should stop the relationship you’ve developed with yourself. You should always continue to improve and better yourself or you might find an unhappiness brewing just underneath the surface waiting to explode in the future. Take care of your needs too.

 

Now that I've found myself slap bang in the middle of dumpsville I'm trying to better myself not to get me ex back (it's extremely unlikely we'll reconcile unfortunately) but to get my sanity back. Although I do think the piece of advice above is relevant to people looking for that second chance.

[annxxdisaster]

Right.

 

I don't think that any action that you should do after a breakup should be done with the assumption you're going to get your ex back. I don't think there is anything wrong with trying during the process, as long as you can keep it in perspective with what's best for your own sake.

 

I guess it's one of those times where it pays to be selfish.

 

But really every two people are different and no relationship is the same.

 

You can take that one piece of advice from He's Just Not That Into You where I think it says something about living/acting under the assumption that you are not an exception, you are the rule.

 

But ahah I don't know. I guess you really just need to follow what you honestly think is best.

[Steadfast]

Remember that all people have certain, identifiable behavior patterns. And while I agree every situation is different, there's a common 'theme'. Otherwise, why would we read over and over: "That could have been written about me!"

 

Helpful posters like CaliGuy are only pointing these things out, from a experience/percentages stand point. What's the old saying? If it looks like sh*t and smells like sh*t, then it probably is.

 

Ironically, I am going through this, almost as these posts are being written. She called last night, I didn't respond. She came over, I went outside. She followed. As a caveat, my pop is facing his last days, so...

 

When she hugged me, it was tightly and she didn't let go. That's new. Really. She does seem different somehow...is it because of my NC or just her feelings/realization that she does not want to lose me? Maybe a little of both? I don't know, but I do know that I don't trust her. Of all the issues I am currently dealing with, that one is the biggest hurdle. There was a time that I dreamed of getting her back, but now the thought scares me. I have come so far...I do not want to return to that dark place again. Ever. Honestly, I'd rather be alone than do that.

 

So, add the method of regaining trust and increasing insight to this list and I'll check it every hour! FWIW, I appreciate everyone's input and take. The last thing any of us probably need in our lives are more problems...

[Nuala83]

And while I agree every situation is different, there's a common 'theme'. Otherwise, why would we read over and over: "That could have been written about me!"

QUOTE]

 

(sigh) Aint that the truth!

[CaliGuy]

Remember that all people have certain, identifiable behavior patterns. And while I agree every situation is different, there's a common 'theme'. Otherwise, why would we read over and over: "That could have been written about me!"

 

Helpful posters like CaliGuy are only pointing these things out, from a experience/percentages stand point. What's the old saying? If it looks like sh*t and smells like sh*t, then it probably is.

 

That's my point, really. And that is why I often say "If your ex really wants you, neither hell nor high water will stop them from breaking down your door!" Actions, actions, actions mean everything. Words mean nothing. Words can be contrived but actions speak from the heart.

 

Ironically, I am going through this, almost as these posts are being written. She called last night, I didn't respond. She came over, I went outside. She followed. As a caveat, my pop is facing his last days, so...

 

When she hugged me, it was tightly and she didn't let go. That's new. Really. She does seem different somehow...is it because of my NC or just her feelings/realization that she does not want to lose me? Maybe a little of both? I don't know, but I do know that I don't trust her. Of all the issues I am currently dealing with, that one is the biggest hurdle. There was a time that I dreamed of getting her back, but now the thought scares me. I have come so far...I do not want to return to that dark place again. Ever. Honestly, I'd rather be alone than do that.

 

See my friend, that is a PERFECT example of what NC will do for you. It gives you time to clear your head and to think about what you really want. The ex that brought me to LS so many years ago, I could never get back with her. There is no trust whatsoever and I d*mn sure don't want to go through that hell again. She did it to me once, odds are she'll do it again.

 

So, add the method of regaining trust and increasing insight to this list and I'll check it every hour! FWIW, I appreciate everyone's input and take. The last thing any of us probably need in our lives are more problems...

 

Yep. It's good that your ex is making efforts. The problem is trying to determine whether they are heartfelt or just out of jealousy. Remember the rule, and I say it often: ACTIONS are what determines how someone really feels about you. Words are worthless.