does he mean what he says???

[Lorelei]

I have been in a relationship for 5 years. We are both 26. For the last year (because of career choices made by both of us) we have lived about 6 hours away from one another. We see each other about one weekend a month. He says he wants to marry me in one or two years when we can both be in the same city. I would not have stayed in the relationship this long if I did not think things were headed there.

 

THE PROBLEM IS that recently my boyfriend has been offered a job in another country. It would be for 6 months. He has made no attempt to include me in these plans ands seems to be ok with not seeing me during that time. He some how thinks that this will have no affect on our relationship and that I will be here waiting for him when he comes back. I am very hurt by this and I feel as though this would not be so easy for him if he really cared about me and wanted to marry me. I have talked to him about it and he says that he does love me but that this is a great opportunity for him and that since we can not live together during those 6 months anyway it should not make a big difference. It does make a big difference to me and he will have equally good opportunities if he stays here. We have had other problems in the past but have been trying to work them out. However I have no desire to continue such a long relationship with someone who does not seem to mind the idea of not being able to talk to me or see me for months at a time, especially considering the other problems we have. He has not made a final decision of whether or not he will go but the deciding factors have nothing to do with our relationship. He has arranged to spend his summer vacation here with me and had bought plane tickets and taken time off work, before any of this came up.

 

SO MY QUESTION IS do I let him come stay with me over the summer even though I have given up hope that this relationship is going to last, or do I ruin the plans he has made and cause him to lose the money he has spent on the tickets??? Am I over reacting to his wanting this opportunity??? Should I wait to see if he goes or end things based on his lack of consideration??? Can he really want to marry me and be able to make a decision like this???

[Tony T]

Love is different things to different people. Love wants the very best for the other person. Love is not possessive. Love sets things free. True love is delighted in the opportunities of the beloved. Love is not jealous or insecure. Love exists for its sake only. Love is patient. Love is just plain A LOT OF THINGS.

 

If you really loved this man, if you trusted his word and trusted him, you would be tickled for this opportunity. If you had a really good relationship, you would cheerfully make arrangements to go with him if you wished or happily remain in this country until his overseas stint was over.

 

These kinds of things happen everyday with couples who are either committed in dating, engaged or married and it works well. The people are mature enough that they know great opportunities don't come along every single day and they are happy to make adjustments.

 

If a lot of these feelings and qualities are absent from your relationship, you or your fiance should consider finding someone else.

 

Now, I don't know all the particulars of this issue so I can only respond based on what you have written. If your boyfriend has absolutely cut you out of this whole situation, that's not good. But if you are trying to control him and his work by threatening to break things off if he goes, that's not good either.

 

If you work on yourself a bit and support him in this temporary move, in the future he will be supportive of the things you want to do. If you can't back each other solidly on these kinds of major events, then both of you are with the wrong person.

 

Frankly, I think your fiance is pretty together. The fact that he loves you yet doesn't feel like he needs to be glued to you says worlds about the great guy you will lose if you don't STAND BY YOUR MAN!!!