michellemarie Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 Hello, I have been married to my husband now for 10 years we have three children together. In the beginning of our marriage ofcourse things were great. We got married pretty early after I had our first child. Things happened rather quickly after that. My husband came from a very tough and abusive upbringing. I have come to find out in the last few years that he has a lot of emotional and psychological issues that need to be dealt with. He shows no love towards me...doesn't hug or kiss me. I often go up to him for hugs only to be turned away. I have put up with this so long that I have found ways of adapting to his moods. I am to the point where I can't take it anymore. I cannot live day to day feeling NO emotions. This is where it gets UGLY. I recently reconnected with an old boyfriend. This is a very special person to me that has always held a special piece of my heart. He has told me the same. This boyfriend and I were in love during our late teenage years. He has never married and now wishes to reconnect with me. I have made him understand that I cannot be in a relationship because I am married. We have seen eachother a few times and we both feel the immense sparks between us. One day we got together and I cheated. I knew that it was wrong but it felt so right. I honestly believed that those emotions were dead in me. I completely felt alive. This old boyfriend said that he is willing to wait for me. I spoke to my husband regarding my unhappiness and he had no reaction other than saying "go ahead and lets do this amicably for the kids." What do I do? My husband also said to let him know specifics and he will try to change. I just do not believe him. I have confronted him in the past on issues and things NEVER change. They will be ok for about a month and go back to how they were. Now, the cheating has just completely gotten me confused. If I was able to cheat on him, shouldn't I divorce him?? Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 When he said, "go ahead and lets do this amicably for the kids," was he meaning divorce? Because if it would be THAT easy for him to just let you go, then it would seem to me there is nothing left between you. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 I spoke to my husband regarding my unhappiness and he had no reaction other than saying "go ahead and lets do this amicably for the kids." What do I do? My husband also said to let him know specifics and he will try to change. I just do not believe him. I have confronted him in the past on issues and things NEVER change. They will be ok for about a month and go back to how they were. Now, the cheating has just completely gotten me confused. If I was able to cheat on him, shouldn't I divorce him?? I agree with DonnaMaybe... it sound like there is nothing left but divorce. I doubt your husband is happy with the situation as is... and the chances of him getting over his baggage is very low. Contact a divorce attorney. Don't try to stick it out for the kids... they will wind up just as damaged as he is if you force them to grow up in a messed up living situation like that. They need to be able to see two people who are in love and CAN show affection for one another. Link to post Share on other sites
samspade Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 You've already betrayed him, so you should divorce him. You've given a lot of excuses for your bad behavior, but the truth is you should have at least separated first before banging another man. If it was so easy for you to cheat on him, and it "felt so right," why didn't you just tell him beforehand that you want to end it? (This is a rhetorical question; the answer is "cowardice.") You may not be a bad person overall, but you've done a bad thing, and it's right for you to feel guilt and wrong for you to rationalize your behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Author michellemarie Posted May 14, 2009 Author Share Posted May 14, 2009 Thanks so much for your input. What you have all said is true...I appreciate your time in replying to my mess Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 If I was able to cheat on him, shouldn't I divorce him?? yes, in my opinion, without a doubt. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 When he said, "go ahead and lets do this amicably for the kids," was he meaning divorce? Because if it would be THAT easy for him to just let you go, then it would seem to me there is nothing left between you. I'm wondering if her H realizes on some level that she cheated, or even just suspected she did. Link to post Share on other sites
mr.dream merchant Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 I'm wondering if her H realizes on some level that she cheated, or even just suspected she did. He probably doesn't even give a ****, and for his sake, I'm glad he doesn't lol.. Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted May 15, 2009 Share Posted May 15, 2009 Does it make cheaters feel better about the situation by giving an excuse as to why they did it? It's a funny phenomenon, because every cheater's initial structure seems the same; nearly identical events leading up to the fact. It usually begins with, 'a great relationship.' Then, 'things move way too fast!' As things are moving overwhelmingly fast, the couple gets married. Several years pass and a family has surfaced. At this point, both parties are now unhappy, because they've rushed into things and as a result, both fall out of love. It's not long before one is somehow, 'in contact' with an ex-whatever. Which eventually leads to cheating. Then, out of guilt, they stumble upon loveshack.org & confess their sins... Thereafter the marriage ends. If I was able to cheat on him, shouldn't I divorce him?? You should be able to answer that question for yourself. However, You should have divorced him after he said, 'he was going to change' and did not. Yet, you hit rock bottom and selfishly betrayed your husband and 3 children. I'm not surprised you feel the way you do. Have you even told your family of your actions or have you just confessed your unhappiness; to cover your ass? Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted May 15, 2009 Share Posted May 15, 2009 Gah, accidently double posted... My apologies mods Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted May 15, 2009 Share Posted May 15, 2009 This is what freaks me out. blah blah blah I feel unloved blah blah blah I banged my ex-boyfriend. Your H asked you for specifics and you didn't give them. Sounds like you were the one avoiding working on the marriage. You got back in touch with a ex-bf and planned to cheat. It didn't just happen. Lets see if you ex-bf really wants to be with you and your 3 kids. Did you try MC, talking to your H, reading relationship books, getting advice online first, and a million other things? Only if you tried all of these and they didn't work should try divorce especially when kids are involved. Instead you skipped all of that and spread your legs for another man; but your H is responsible right? If you have any self-respect you will confess to your H and prep for divorce. You won't do this though. You will look for the best possible route for yourself.....not your H, children, or self-respect Link to post Share on other sites
Author michellemarie Posted May 18, 2009 Author Share Posted May 18, 2009 Hello, Thanks for the advice. After thinking about things this weekend I have made the decision to be honest and tell my H about everything. I am breaking it off with the old boyfriend and going from there. Link to post Share on other sites
JeezLouise Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 Personally, I would keep my mouth shut and get the divorce anyway. If you want to spend the next 20 years listening to your XH call you a slut, then have at it, but I would get my divorce and keep quiet. The less ammunition he has against you, the more amicable the divorce will be, and that makes a HUGE difference in how your children are affected. He might say "yeah, let's do this amicably for the kids" now, but if he finds out you cheated, he may everything he can to be less friendly. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 to me, it sounds like he don't care to be married to you either.i'd just keep my mouth shut about about your cheating(as much as i hate to say that)and both go your seperate ways.lifes to short to be miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 If she plans on getting a divorce, and does not tell him, then he will be reeling to wonder the REAL reason why and it will be hard on him. On the other hand, if she were to get a divorce and she told him, it might make it easier for him. If a wife of mine wanted a divorce, and I didn't know she was cheating, I'd probably be trying to convince her to work on the marriage and would be fighting it. But if she told me she was cheating, I would give her the divorce without a fight whatsoever. but thats me. Link to post Share on other sites
JeezLouise Posted May 18, 2009 Share Posted May 18, 2009 If she plans on getting a divorce, and does not tell him, then he will be reeling to wonder the REAL reason why and it will be hard on him. On the other hand, if she were to get a divorce and she told him, it might make it easier for him. If a wife of mine wanted a divorce, and I didn't know she was cheating, I'd probably be trying to convince her to work on the marriage and would be fighting it. But if she told me she was cheating, I would give her the divorce without a fight whatsoever. but thats me. But it doesn't sound like he cares. My XH sure didn't agree when I brought up a D - he was devastated, which changes everything. The guy said he wanted to be amicable, and I would do everything I could to keep it that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Stunned_To_Disbelief Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 You made the choice to Cheat, not your husband. Now be honest with him about that, so he can be checked for STD's. Just because your Ex-BF hasn't been married doesn't mean he hasn't been sexually active. And if you decide to try to improve your "settlement" by the sin of omission, that would be Fraud IMHO. Be truthful , Take your lumps ( metaphorically ) and move on. At some point you actually cared for your H, show him the compassion now of being Honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 But it doesn't sound like he cares. My XH sure didn't agree when I brought up a D - he was devastated, which changes everything. The guy said he wanted to be amicable, and I would do everything I could to keep it that way. then she can tell him afterward so he won't have to forever wonder "why". at least then he could get a little angry about it to help him see that she is no good for him and he will be better off. Otherwise the poor guy might pine for her the rest of his life. and for what? because she doesn't have the guts to tell him? Link to post Share on other sites
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