Really. Very. Angry

[hoping2heal]

Well, I recently came out to a cousin, and about 2 weeks after the fact my aunt, that their brother/son had molested me repeatedly when I was younger. My cousin seemed to be really mature about the news; at first. My aunt has taken the stance that because her son was a minor himself at the time, she believes it's unfair I am bringing this up and or looking to have him register as a sex offender now.

 

My cousin shortly thereafter changed her stance also; riding the fence and telling me she could see "my side, and her brother's side". I just tried to talk to her tonight online, and ask if she felt the same when she said yes; I tactfully let her know what I thought of that. Which was basically; that regardless of age or how many years ago this took place, it has ruined what I've had of a life so far, I am determined to not let it ruin the rest of it though. I told her I didn't understand how anyone could possibly feel there were two sides to the story, etc.

 

Thing is, and I have told my partner this as well; I'm not looking for people to stand around and cry for me. No one needs to issue me an apology letter. This was their family. A son and a brother, I don't expect them to just burn him at the stake before me; but to act like it's unfair to HIM to be punished? There are two sides to what took place? Just makes me want to explode.

 

I guess what I'm asking is.. has anyone experienced the fuming with anger stage@ their abuse? Today I woke up feeling ill, and very enraged. Yeah, maybe it's coincidence but I'mr ealising that more so I think I am "repressing" perhaps the anger a little bit, because all of the sudden I feel just angry as it gets. How did you deal with your anger? I'm in therapy, but I won't be able to see my therapist for almost another 2 weeks.

[amaysngrace]

Hi h2h. Anger is a good thing. Anger is your friend. Just so long as you don't get angry with yourself but are getting angry with those who've done the injustice it's a very healthy emotion.

 

You have every right to be angry. Your life was changed because of this. You have changed because of this. And your childhood was taken from you leaving you broken to live your life. You should be angry about that.

 

I'm angry that it happened to you.

 

I am going through the healing process myself right now. I started in March and have already made progress. I've made a lot of progress.

 

I bought a book called "The Courage To Heal" and that, along with counseling and journaling, has helped me tremendously.

 

For me just acknowleging the fact that I am angry has helped me. It's a new thing to feel my feelings, as may be the case with you?

 

I know you said you wanted him registered as a sex offender. But he was a child. You said he was like twelve or thirteen, right? How did he learn to take sex by force at such an early age I wonder. Do you ever wonder?

 

How is it when you see him now? What is his life like? Is it a mess? Is he a major screw-up? Sometimes knowing that you are getting better and he isn't can be enough revenge. Living a good life and putting this behind you while he is still struggling can be enough to satisfy your need of control of the situation.

 

And it is about control you know? Control that was taken from you that you wish to get back now.

 

The thing is he was young. And most boys his age like girls their own age. Most boys don't take by force. They want that puppy love feeling like little girls want too.

 

This makes me wonder if somebody didn't hurt him too?

 

Healing will come to you in it's own time. There is no right or wrong and everybody heals at their own pace.

 

Acknowleging the anger and the injustice of it all is a healthy step for you. You're getting better.

 

XO

[lovelorcet]

How old was he and how old were you when this happened?

[hoping2heal]

Hi h2h. Anger is a good thing. Anger is your friend. Just so long as you don't get angry with yourself but are getting angry with those who've done the injustice it's a very healthy emotion.

 

You have every right to be angry. Your life was changed because of this. You have changed because of this. And your childhood was taken from you leaving you broken to live your life. You should be angry about that.

 

I'm angry that it happened to you.

 

I am going through the healing process myself right now. I started in March and have already made progress. I've made a lot of progress.

 

I bought a book called "The Courage To Heal" and that, along with counseling and journaling, has helped me tremendously.

 

For me just acknowleging the fact that I am angry has helped me. It's a new thing to feel my feelings, as may be the case with you?

 

I know you said you wanted him registered as a sex offender. But he was a child. You said he was like twelve or thirteen, right? How did he learn to take sex by force at such an early age I wonder. Do you ever wonder?

 

How is it when you see him now? What is his life like? Is it a mess? Is he a major screw-up? Sometimes knowing that you are getting better and he isn't can be enough revenge. Living a good life and putting this behind you while he is still struggling can be enough to satisfy your need of control of the situation.

 

And it is about control you know? Control that was taken from you that you wish to get back now.

 

The thing is he was young. And most boys his age like girls their own age. Most boys don't take by force. They want that puppy love feeling like little girls want too.

 

This makes me wonder if somebody didn't hurt him too?

 

Healing will come to you in it's own time. There is no right or wrong and everybody heals at their own pace.

 

Acknowleging the anger and the injustice of it all is a healthy step for you. You're getting better.

 

XO

 

 

Yeah, last night I spoke with my cousin again. I asked her if she still felt the same way as when we last spoke. She said yes, this was someone who I have been close with my entire life. Forget that she's family; I've been very close to both her and her mom my whole life, with the exception of one other cousin, there's no one family wise I am closer with. I thought if I told her how I felt, maybe it would help create a way for us to have a continuing friendship. Now, I feel differently. I basically just re itterated how what has happened has ruined what I've had of a life so far. That I've had a suicide attempt, other self destructive behaviors, trust issues, self esteem issues etc etc etc. That jus tbecause it happened long ago, doesn't mean it has affected me any less; this is simply not the kind of thing that "goes away" with time. If anything.. it almost seems to get "worse" with time until you start seeking help to manage it.

 

 

Now, I realise a friendship isn't possible. I just realise how angry it made me to have to almost what.. "justify" why I'm upset about this? Right now, there's a molestation case going on with her step sister, she's seen the tears, the trauma, the pain. Her and my aunt both were LIVID and angry with what happened to the step sister, now suddenly.. my aunt is talking about how it isn't fair to punish him? Cousin talks about how there's two sides? Come on.

 

If I'm repeating myself, I apologise. I'm just so angry about it. How everyone but my partner, my therapist and my mother has more or less invalidated what happened to me based on A) it happened in my childhood B) he himself, was a minor . The few people that DO know about it now (just over a handful) are acting like "it was a long time ago, can't you just get over it?" . I guess is how I feel.

 

Yeah AMG - I do feel robbed. I feel pissed just typing this.

 

On the positive side; I have vowed to do what I can to eventually once I have healed from this; get in a field of advocacy and working with others to educate and relate and do something about the way we're handling, thinking, and dealing with child sexual abuse. Right now though, I don't know. I'm so pissed off I can barely see straight.

[Ronni_W]

hoping2heal,

I'm sorry that this happened to you. You did not deserve it. Nobody does.

 

How did you deal with your anger? I'm in therapy, but I won't be able to see my therapist for almost another 2 weeks.

Possibly a hospital emergency dept. has a counselor on call? And a sexual abuse/rape crisis centre may also be able to offer you some coping strategies to get you through to your next therapy session.

 

Wishing you comfort and healing.

[hoping2heal]

Thankyou RW,

 

I don't know. I'm actually considering calling an anonymous helpline vs. going to a hospital. It's easier if I know the person isn't looking at me and knowing "this happened to this person." I'm feeling really ashamed all over again I guess. Tomorrow is a family BBQ and provided I was feeling better I had wanted to attend, next weekend is another family function. But now, I'm feeling like I need to stay home in case aunt is there. Strange huh? I did nothing wrong, yet I'm the one who feels ashamed to be seen by people. Argh, this is almost like being 15 all over again (this is when I first told my mom about it) and I went completely anti social because I couldn't handle people looking at me.

 

I guess the only difference is this time I have previous experience to learn from and I can use that to help guide my decisions a little more clearly. WRT going anti social and such . I'm thinking of showing up (not necesarily tomorrow cause I think my eye has an infection) but at next week's get- together. Afterall, I didn't do anything wrong. If anyone should be feeling like an ass (not because her son molested me, but because she dare bring up being mad at me for wanting to have him register as a sex offender, when it's not fair to punish him now blah blah blah).

 

But then, her husband (not a blood relative) probably knows by now, and then I'll feel disgusting. Like I do right now, as I write this. It's happening all over again, I'm feeling the shame and disgust just like I did when I was 15 and told my mother. It makes me want to avoid people because it's unfair, why do other people get such a privvy into my personal pain? To me, that's how it feels. It feels like people get to see deep into something that hurts me against MY giving them permission to be let in.

 

Yeah, I hate that feeling. When people just get to be into you without you having a say in it.

 

Well, thankyou everyone for listening to me.

[Island Girl]

I relate to all of your feelings.

 

My life of abuse happened all throughout my childhood. And in various ways.

The main abuser was my sister. She was physically as well as emotionally/mentally abusive and was the first although not the last to sexually abuse me. I was 4 when that happened.

 

The last physical altercation happened when she was 18 and I was 11 years old.

 

 

My life has been a series of ups and downs.

 

This abuse damaged me in ways that are unexplainable.

 

 

 

I don't know what can be done.

 

I don't want it "fixed". At least not the way other people want it to be. That is just forgotten about and "can't we all just get along now". WTF????!!!!!!

 

I am angry. Very very very angry.

 

I have had my life altered and there are no consequences for that on her side.

I have to pay for therapy and medication.

I have to take time out of my life to address what happened to me and it has forever altered my view of the world.

 

I keep paying the price as if I haven't gone through enough.

 

I really do wish she was dead.

[hoping2heal]

I'm sorry to hear that IG,

Yeah, it changes your life, it forever takes away and changes who you could of been. I could of been normal, without so much emotional baggage and self destructive patterns. That's how I feel about it, maybe it isn't true but that's how I feel about it. It's really how I honestly feel.

 

I have to learn all over again how to have boundaries, how to be honest with people, all this obvious **** that you learn as a child, I never did because all I ever really learned was how to survive, how to cope. Admittedly some of those ways included lying, manipulation, etc. I hurt a lot of people at the time I was just trying to get through the day and get my needs met, I didn't really understand what it may of been doing to others. I at least am finally gaining awareness of that now though and doing what I can too turn my life around for the better.

 

I don't know though, if I wouldn't have been tainted by this person I could just be one of those "shiny, happy, people". It pisses me off to the fullest extent. It doesn't mean I think my life would be perfect and without conflict or trouble but I just feel like I don't know like I would be different.

 

It pisses me off that anyone can raise issue with what's fair to him since it happened a long time ago. It's never once failed to NOT effect me since then, and it isn't a dull pain or an ache. It makes me deeply sad inside. Now people who are supposed to be my family are talking like this? I know what you mean IG@ let's all get along like it's fine.

 

That's such bull****, I think people try to use logic honestly- most painful things we experience get better with time. I think that's why people say these things because they honestly believe that with the passing of time we've gotten better, the pain has lessened. Unfortunately it doesn't, sexual abuse is like a wound that is never set right, so it just stays open and it never gets lesser in pain, it just gets more infected and more tender.

 

People just don't understand unless they have been through it themselves.

[TaraMaiden]

How old were you both when this happened?

[amaysngrace]

I'm feeling really ashamed all over again I guess. Tomorrow is a family BBQ and provided I was feeling better I had wanted to attend, next weekend is another family function. But now, I'm feeling like I need to stay home in case aunt is there. Strange huh? I did nothing wrong, yet I'm the one who feels ashamed to be seen by people. Argh, this is almost like being 15 all over again (this is when I first told my mom about it) and I went completely anti social because I couldn't handle people looking at me.

 

Hi h2h. Don't go to anything you feel uncomfortable going to. You need to keep yourself safe. Your aunt and your cousin do not sound safe to me. Not right now anyway. Someday they may be okay to be around. But it doesn't sound like it just yet.

 

Personally I only have a few people in my life that I am comfortable with. My BF and my children and of course my counselor. But that is all. They are the only ones that I want in my daily life. They are safe.

 

See how you are next weekend. If you feel like showing up to a family function then go. But if not stay home. Listen to your gut. And don't put yourself into an unsafe situation unnecessarily.

 

This isn't about showing up for your family. It's about doing what is best for YOU. You are the one who matters here most. Those who understand will be okay with it all. Those who don't understand really don't matter.

 

It's not about you being anti-social. It's about you being safe.

 

(((hugs)))

[hoping2heal]

Thanks AG and others,

 

For those wondering about the age ; I believe I was around the age of 4 when it started. He seemed MUCH older than me, but I guess much to my own surprise that would put him at around 7 maybe 8 (depending on the month) . As for when it ended, I'm not sure. So much of it has been "blocked" but I have a memory of when he got more "devious", mentioning to me something about being damaged now and not telling anyone, I know he was older than 8 certainly then and I'm not sure anything continued to take place after the fact.

 

As for reference to my family; yeah I guess that makes sense as percieving them as "unsafe" in a sense. I felt a little pissed to hear my aunt was at the BBQ today. Don't ask me why, I just did. Maybe it pisses me off to hear how seemingly normal her life is, how she can have no qualms. How I CAN'T show up to family events now without feeling like I have something to be ashamed of, but she can show up like I don't know... like she has nothing to be ashamed of. I guess I feel like she owes me an apology for what she said. I feel like until she acknowledges what happened WAS wrong, I'll always feel inferior and low in her presence. If she's there at a place where I am also, I feel like I'm going to feel that way.

[quankanne]

if your cousin was molesting you when he was at such a young age, it makes me wonder who was molesting him ... because kids at that age don't have an interest in sex, for the most part. And it also makes me wonder if your aunt's response is what it is because she may have suspected something with HIM being abuse, and doesn't want to hear from YOU that he continued that behavior, understand?

 

do what you need to do, and don't worry about what your cousin or aunt are going to say/do ... YOU need to heal, and if they cannot be part of the process, so be it.

 

hugs,

quank

[hoping2heal]

Thanks Quank.

 

You know that makes sense. It isn't the first time I've heard someone suggest someone must of done the same to him, but I mean it brings clarity as to perhaps she did suspect, failed to act, and now doesn't want have to be confronted with the fact that it's continued on. Furthermore, that may be why she said "it isn't fair to him to be punished for something that was long ago." What she may realistically be feeling is "it isn't fair to punish him when he had gone through the same thing himself".

 

 

That said, suppose he was molested first and went on to repeat the cycle the threat still remains the same should someone trust them with their children etc. He could abuse them. Which is my first and foremost priority of dealing with here.

[Ronni_W]

Hoping,

As Quank says, the way certain people are reacting is information about THEM, not about you. It's that THEY are choosing to deny rather than look at what they are being faced with.

 

Doesn't really matter, does it? They can think, say and do whatever they want but it STILL won't change your reality and what happened to you. They may be working under some crazy notion that they have the power to "validate" or "invalidate" your reality. But the joke is on them...they do NOT have that power over you!

 

Yes, a traumatic experience does change the way we think and feel about our Self. What happens is that our self-image becomes distorted...it is NOT a true, accurate portrait of who we REALLY are.

 

Who you Truly are is lovable, acceptable, significant, valuable and important. THAT is how you were born and it is who you are, at your core. No one has the power to change that...but, yes, people and events can cause us to forget this about our Self.

 

In Truth and Reality, there is nothing about you that is shameful. What is also true and real is that you survived an ordeal that led you to believe that there is something shameful about you -- it is the belief that is faulty, yes?

 

Quank's post also helped me to realize that we cannot hold an 8-year old accountable for its' actions in a vacuum -- it had adult influences and ought to have had proper adult guidance. If there is any "shame" to be assigned, IMO, the largest share of it belongs to those (absent, under-responsible) adults. And they are now invested in protecting THEMSELVES from making amends for their lack of properly taking care of the children within their circle of influence.

 

But certainly there is NO shame that belongs to you. Those adults may think that they can put the burden of it onto your shoulders but again...that is just them BSing themselves.

You do NOT need to take that on and carry it around any longer. You have sacrificed on their behalf long enough. You can give it back to them mentally, emotionally and spiritually. They need never even know that you have done it. But just cos they don't know doesn't mean that they don't have it back...where it has ALWAYS belonged.

 

Who you Truly are, Hoping2Heal, is lovable, acceptable, significant, valuable and important. Validation of that comes from a MUCH Higher Source than adults who need to use dysfunctional ways to make their own intolerable actions somehow tolerable to them.

 

In Love, Light and Gratitude for exactly who you are.

Namaste