Not enough esx in marriage..... Here we go again....

[giotto]

This was not about me.... I was pointing to two other threads and the dismay, and helplessness others felt and then I have to hear the usual responses and being told I am not attractive, not pulling my weight, helping around the house is of minimal importance, not communicating and that I better see a MC and consider a divorce.

 

How about in these 2 cases it is the woman's fault 85%.....

 

Every situation is different.. I think you are generalizing. Some women will tell you to do more, others to do less... the end result is always the same...

[Mr. Lucky]

This was not about me.... I was pointing to two other threads and the dismay, and helplessness others felt and then I have to hear the usual responses and being told I am not attractive, not pulling my weight, helping around the house is of minimal importance, not communicating and that I better see a MC and consider a divorce.

 

How about in these 2 cases it is the woman's fault 85%.....

So you've established that it's 85% (are you sure it's not 86%? 87%?) the woman's fault. Is that going to get these hypothetical () husbands more sex? If anything, a spouse that feels guilty over not pulling their weight will only be more defensive and less willing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[soserious1]

This was not about me.... I was pointing to two other threads and the dismay, and helplessness others felt and then I have to hear the usual responses and being told I am not attractive, not pulling my weight, helping around the house is of minimal importance, not communicating and that I better see a MC and consider a divorce.

 

How about in these 2 cases it is the woman's fault 85%.....

 

lol, unless you're planning on forcing your wife to do you, the options are..

 

1. keep doing what you've been doing..

 

2. insist on MC, tell her this is a deal breaker for you

 

3. File for divorce

 

You can't arm twist somebody into desiring you sexually.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

lol, unless you're planning on forcing your wife to do you, the options are..

 

1. keep doing what you've been doing..

 

2. insist on MC, tell her this is a deal breaker for you

 

3. File for divorce

 

You can't arm twist somebody into desiring you sexually.

 

Again this is not about me.... Read the two posts I am responding to and comment on those..... Don't make conjectures about my marriage or the person I am....

[Gamine]

Having sex is not making love.

 

Men complain that their wife/girlfriend is no longer interested in 'having sex' with them. But I wonder if they ever were interested in 'having sex' with them in the first place.

 

I would bet my bottom dollar that the very same men who are asking their wife/girlfriend to 'have sex' with them are the very same guys who used to make love to them.

 

There is a HUGE difference between 'having sex' and making love to a woman. One implies a sex act to feed a physiological urge. Making love implies feeding the intimacy through the physical. The desire for her... the attraction... the need. The 'having sex' implies a need to get off and she is the handy dandy vessel to accomplish it. There can sometimes be a feeling of entitlement by men as far as marriage and sex is concerned. As if the band of gold is a free pass to funtown for the duration of their lifetime together.

 

Men may have indicated that their reasons for cheating were based upon 'feeling' unappreciated and not getting laid. And/or feeling unappreciated because they weren't getting laid. What bothers me most about this is that men construe appreciation as sex. In other words, he feels validated as a man and appreciated because he gets laid.

 

As a married and faithful woman I am finding myself disgusted by the whole 'having sex' thing. It doesn't sound loving it sounds like a married man looking to get sexually serviced as repayment for his fidelity and earning a paycheck.... hence, making a wife a prostitute. Which is not... by the way a turn on.

 

I personally think it is endearing when my husband does things around the house. I do not find it emasculating. I do not find it a 'turn on' for sex either. It makes me like him a whole lot.... and there is much to be said for liking someone as well as loving them.

[kakui215]

TDP, I think you became a bit too quick to take offense here, which is too bad, because I think that clouded the valid point you've been trying to make. If I'm correct, that is that for some of us, we're really trying to understand how we've gotten so disconnected from our wives. Sex is not the only way we feel connected, but for many, many human beings (not only men), it is one of the major ways -- one of the basic, fundamental ways -- that we connect in marriage, not some sort of optional bonus that can simply be set aside when one partner decides he or she is no longer interested. Infrequent sex and/or a spouse's disinterested, passionless, passive attitude toward sex can hurt a lot, and we'd like to know what we can do about that. When a wife then claims, for example, that the demands of home & kids are preventing her from having more interest in sex, it is not unreasonable for her husband then to think that if he can take care of more of those demands, she will respond by paying more attention to their sex lives. He's not at all trying to make her into a "prostitute", as one person posted above -- he's trying to find a solution to a problem that is tearing them apart.

 

I think that this type of situation often relates to different attitudes about sex and it's role in our relationships. Many have said that they need to feel a sense of love & intimacy in order to have sex. Others say that the sense of love and intimacy flows from sex. In a LTR (such as marriage, of course), they are both right -- it's cyclical. The feelings of love motivate you to want to have sex with your partner. The act of physical intimacy then helps you to feel more emotionally intimate, which then helps to build love. In other words, sex can literally help to "make love", but some degree of love and intimacy typically needs to be there already in order for you to then make more of it. When it's not there, we then rely on trust -- trust that you'll each see this as a shared problem and, since you promised to stick with each other "for better or for worse", you'll both try to do something about it.

 

That leads to another problem that seems all too common in these situations, whether it’s a man feeling that his wife doesn’t care about their sex lives or a woman feeling that her husband doesn’t care: the one with less interest in sex often does not see this as a shared problem, but as a problem stemming from the other person. That partner, the one with less interest, then does little to nothing about it, leaving the other partner on their own to fish around trying whatever they can, sometimes in vain. With so little to work with, we shouldn’t be surprised when such attempts to find a solution seem awkward and misinformed. It’s hard to find the right solution when one partner does so little to figure out what is going on.

 

I could keep going here -- I feel like I've only gotten half my thoughts out -- but I’m out of time for now. No doubt, some will find fault with what I’ve written thus far, and since I’ve got to run, I don’t have enough time to read over it and think carefully about all I’ve just put down. So, I’ll post this knowing that I might have to come back and clarify what I’ve just tried to say!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

TDP, I think you became a bit too quick to take offense here, which is too bad, because I think that clouded the valid point you've been trying to make. If I'm correct, that is that for some of us, we're really trying to understand how we've gotten so disconnected from our wives. Sex is not the only way we feel connected, but for many, many human beings (not only men), it is one of the major ways -- one of the basic, fundamental ways -- that we connect in marriage, not some sort of optional bonus that can simply be set aside when one partner decides he or she is no longer interested. Infrequent sex and/or a spouse's disinterested, passionless, passive attitude toward sex can hurt a lot, and we'd like to know what we can do about that. When a wife then claims, for example, that the demands of home & kids are preventing her from having more interest in sex, it is not unreasonable for her husband then to think that if he can take care of more of those demands, she will respond by paying more attention to their sex lives. He's not at all trying to make her into a "prostitute", as one person posted above -- he's trying to find a solution to a problem that is tearing them apart.

 

I think that this type of situation often relates to different attitudes about sex and it's role in our relationships. Many have said that they need to feel a sense of love & intimacy in order to have sex. Others say that the sense of love and intimacy flows from sex. In a LTR (such as marriage, of course), they are both right -- it's cyclical. The feelings of love motivate you to want to have sex with your partner. The act of physical intimacy then helps you to feel more emotionally intimate, which then helps to build love. In other words, sex can literally help to "make love", but some degree of love and intimacy typically needs to be there already in order for you to then make more of it. When it's not there, we then rely on trust -- trust that you'll each see this as a shared problem and, since you promised to stick with each other "for better or for worse", you'll both try to do something about it.

 

That leads to another problem that seems all too common in these situations, whether it’s a man feeling that his wife doesn’t care about their sex lives or a woman feeling that her husband doesn’t care: the one with less interest in sex often does not see this as a shared problem, but as a problem stemming from the other person. That partner, the one with less interest, then does little to nothing about it, leaving the other partner on their own to fish around trying whatever they can, sometimes in vain. With so little to work with, we shouldn’t be surprised when such attempts to find a solution seem awkward and misinformed. It’s hard to find the right solution when one partner does so little to figure out what is going on.

 

I could keep going here -- I feel like I've only gotten half my thoughts out -- but I’m out of time for now. No doubt, some will find fault with what I’ve written thus far, and since I’ve got to run, I don’t have enough time to read over it and think carefully about all I’ve just put down. So, I’ll post this knowing that I might have to come back and clarify what I’ve just tried to say!

 

Thank you, thank you.... I read the first line and was about to throw my hand up in frustration about another post "not getting it".... But you do. I get frustrated as my OP was based on 2 other threads and the dismay and sadness about their relationships.

 

I posted Scrunchy's remarks as typical why many males are so lost. Scrunchy, I have to ask are you in an LTR with kids? No we don't think that doing the dishes will get our spouses to give us a BJ on the spot. What I was expressing is that we are at a loss about what to do. We can be romantic, attentive, bring home the bacon, do the little things and big things and yes we look for a reward. I think you don't understand what importance a male places in doing those things and how they should be viewed.

 

I'll be crass..... "Who does not buy or plan a big purchase or event for the spouse and not expect to make love (won't use the word sex because some have found it offensive)."

 

I am just trying to be honest with my comments and sorry to those who misconstrue them.

 

I will tell you a thing about men.... We make lists and check them off. If we have completed that list with a passing grade we expect a reflective mark.... Again my tongue is firmly planted in my cheek.

 

Again read the threads or the posts by those who started the threads I referred to and answer the question to them, not me as I asked.

[soserious1]

Again this is not about me.... Read the two posts I am responding to and comment on those..... Don't make conjectures about my marriage or the person I am....

 

My answer remains the same whether it's about you or anybody else.

 

You cannot force another person to feeling passionate sexual desire for you, Yes, you can try to negotiate or schedule sexual activities, you can try to set the stage for passionate sex but you cannot force another person to want you it just doesn't work that way.

 

Oh and I've never made big purchases or gone out of my way in a big manner for my spouse

expecting to be rewarded with sex.

[kakui215]

Thank you, thank you.... I read the first line and was about to throw my hand up in frustration about another post "not getting it".... But you do. I get frustrated as my OP was based on 2 other threads and the dismay and sadness about their relationships.

 

I guess I "get it" because I spent most of the past 3 years trying to do all I could to figure out this gulf between my wife and me. The lack of love, sex, affection and overall intimacy was driving me batty. I knew there was a problem. I put so much effort into romancing her, but all she would tell me was that she was too tired from all the demands of the home and our 4 kids, so -- while continuing the efforts and romance (& studying every bit of relationship advice I could) -- I also re-doubled my efforts to take care of as many of our domestic responsibilities as possible. After a couple years or so, it seemed to make a little bit of difference sometimes, but not much. At that point, she then began an online emotional affair with another man that was on its way to much more when I discovered it. God knows how much effort I had been putting into doing whatever I could to save our relationship and bring us closer together again! And what did I get? A wife -- the same women who had 4 children with me -- who fantasized about bedding someone else!

 

I now realize that all the household responsibilities were weighing her down, but that her blaming our disconnect solely on those was a also a way for her to avoid dealing with deeper issues. She felt that our marriage had been in trouble for a long time due to some of my behavior, but she never told me that. When it came to the relationship -- just like our sex life in particular -- she always seemed to view me as having primary responsibility and she never even bothered to examine it carefully or to do anything about it. She just passively accepted that there was nothing she could do to save it.

 

We're now doing a lot better, but it's an ongoing struggle. What I came to see -- and I think she's just recently, finally discovering -- is that love in a long-term relationship will die if we don't take care of it. Early on in a relationship, love is a feeling that just happens. We don't really have to put any effort into it. It has a power that just carries us along. For a lucky few (very few, I believe), that stays with them with little effort. But for most people, it ebbs over the days & months & years together. We get lazy, and when we realize one day that we don't feel "in love" anymore, we too often throw up our hands and act like there's nothing we can do about it!

 

No, true, deep, long lasting love is not something we can treat as only a feeling. Love is action. Love is what we do for each other even when we don't feel like doing it at that moment. Whatever one's religious leanings, many agree with the sentiment behind Christ admonition to love our neighbors as ourselves. This is not a command to "feel" love -- that's impossible! It's a command to ACT WITH LOVE, to treat your neighbor with love. It stems from recognizing that love is not only a feeling -- it is also action.

 

The good news, however, is that it is through acting with love -- through treating love as what we do rather than simply how we feel -- that we can actually "make love". I've been trying so hard to do that throughout the 3+ years I committed to trying to fix our relationship. I've failed at it more times than I'd like to admit, but when I realized I wasn't doing well, I picked myself right up and went back to trying. My wife was skeptical -- she tended to take the all-too-common passive attitude that love is either there or it isn't, and when it isn't, you might as well give up. It was only after I had again caught her lying to me about what she was up to that she finally relented and started putting real effort into love, into doing things that can help create love and make it stronger.

 

What are those things? What are some examples of acting with love, even when you don't feel like it? I'm running out of time again and this post is already very long, but for now, I'll just say that expressing love through words, physical affection & sex are part of that. We might not "feel in love" at the moment, but unless we loathe the other person (or, perhaps, have allowed ourselves to loathe the other person), there is probably some sort of love there that lets us say or write "I love you" to each other. When we feel upset with the other, we can try with all our might to defuse the negative feelings by searching for some way to compliment the other. We can also put our arm around them. And, yes, we can realize that even when we don't feel like having sex, if we push ourselves to do it, we often feel closer as a result. Making love can help to "make love".

 

I hope I'm making sense here!

[kakui215]

My answer remains the same whether it's about you or anybody else.

 

You cannot force another person to feeling passionate sexual desire for you, Yes, you can try to negotiate or schedule sexual activities, you can try to set the stage for passionate sex but you cannot force another person to want you it just doesn't work that way.

 

Oh and I've never made big purchases or gone out of my way in a big manner for my spouse expecting to be rewarded with sex.

 

Yes, I agree that you "cannot force another person to feeling passionate sexual desire for you". I've pushed that rock up the hill again and again only to have it roll back on top of me again and again! But, if the other person has married you and given you his or her solemn promise to stick with you "for better or for worse", that person has a responsibility to TRY to feel "passionate sexual desire for you". If that person just throws up her (or his) arms as if nothing can be done about it, s/he is breaking the vows you made to each other. No one can promise that they will always "feel" love toward the other -- what you promise is that you will act with love. That's part of the deal when you get married! Realizing that you don't feel any passionate desire for the other should spur you to try with all your might to get to the bottom of the problem and do something about it. If not, you probably have to accept that your chances of ever doing well in any long-term relationship are pretty low.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Yes, I agree that you "cannot force another person to feeling passionate sexual desire for you". I've pushed that rock up the hill again and again only to have it roll back on top of me again and again! But, if the other person has married you and given you his or her solemn promise to stick with you "for better or for worse", that person has a responsibility to TRY to feel "passionate sexual desire for you". If that person just throws up her (or his) arms as if nothing can be done about it, s/he is breaking the vows you made to each other. No one can promise that they will always "feel" love toward the other -- what you promise is that you will act with love. That's part of the deal when you get married! Realizing that you don't feel any passionate desire for the other should spur you to try with all your might to get to the bottom of the problem and do something about it. If not, you probably have to accept that your chances of ever doing well in any long-term relationship are pretty low.

 

Damn you're good.... I wish I could have said it so well....

 

As for soserious, you are a woman, and I don't mean to be nasty, but I will tell you, no man has gone out and bought expensive diamonds, watches, earrings..... and not hoped that "making love" would be the "reward"..... Please men, back me up......

[Mr. Lucky]

Damn you're good.... I wish I could have said it so well....

 

As for soserious, you are a woman, and I don't mean to be nasty, but I will tell you, no man has gone out and bought expensive diamonds, watches, earrings..... and not hoped that "making love" would be the "reward"..... Please men, back me up......

I don't know that I think there is that direct of a connection but I will admit to hoping that, along with the gift, the lovemaking will be part of the celebration ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I don't know that I think there is that direct of a connection but I will admit to hoping that, along with the gift, the lovemaking will be part of the celebration ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Thanks for the confirmation, but I guess I should ask why should there be a "celebration" because you bought a present????

 

Please before someone poo-poos on our fun this is a circular argument.....

[kakui215]

Thanks for the confirmation, but I guess I should ask why should there be a "celebration" because you bought a present????

 

Please before someone poo-poos on our fun this is a circular argument.....

 

It's tough to generalize. Of course there must be cases of guys giving something hoping for sex in return, but to assume that's all that's to it is to oversimplify what's going on. Giving a gift is one way to express love for someone. If it's a particularly romantic gift, no one should be surprised if one thinks there might be a romantic response. What is one of the primary ways that we express romantic love for each other? Sex! So, while the gift is not offered as some sort of quid pro quo for sex, I hardly think it's unreasonable for the giver to be looking forward to the inclusion of physical expressions of love in the romantic interaction. When that doesn't happen, it's natural to feel let down. I guess the cynics will still label that an attempt to turn one's wife into a "prostitute", but no one should be expected to continually endure the pain of unrequited love.

[Mr. Lucky]

Thanks for the confirmation, but I guess I should ask why should there be a "celebration" because you bought a present????

 

Please before someone poo-poos on our fun this is a circular argument.....

I was tying the gift to a specific occasion - birthday, anniversary, etc. If it's just a spur of the moment thing, wouldn't it be based more on what you've received rather that on what you hope to get ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[giotto]

never done it myself...if I bought something expensive for my wife it was because I loved her and I wanted to make her happy... if that made our relationship better, then sex would be better and more frequent, but you can't buy love.

 

As far as TDP's argument goes, as someone else was saying, you can't make your wife love you. From personal experience and from what I have observed, if your wife (I'm not talking about you, personally, TDP...) doesn't want sex with you is because she is not attracted to you anymore - physically, as a person or both. We can try whatever we want to change that, but any change will depend on many different factors. Long term relationships are a living thing, fluid, dynamic and will mutate over the years. I don't know a single couple in a long term relationship that are still in love. Long term love does not exist. It will mutate into affection and often this is enough to keep a couple together, especially if children are involved.

 

When I asked my wife why she didn't want to have sex with me, the answer was: "I don't know". Then she said it was my behaviour. I changed my behaviour. Then she said she didn't love me as she used to. Ah! There's the reason... and you know what? She stopped "loving" me over 10 years ago. There's always a deeper reason when sex stops. And usually isn't the mundane stuff - helping around the house or with the kids. People fall out of love, but stay affectionate. I threatened to leave and my wife agreed to sex regularly. But was that what I really wanted? No. I wanted to be loved. I don't care about sex anymore because I know that my wife gives me sex to keep me here. Far from ideal. I just stopped complaining about it. I've resigned myself.

 

Every woman will give you a different reason for not wanting sex, but I know the real reason...

[angie2443]

never done it myself...if I bought something expensive for my wife it was because I loved her and I wanted to make her happy... if that made our relationship better, then sex would be better and more frequent, but you can't buy love.

 

As far as TDP's argument goes, as someone else was saying, you can't make your wife love you. From personal experience and from what I have observed, if your wife (I'm not talking about you, personally, TDP...) doesn't want sex with you is because she is not attracted to you anymore - physically, as a person or both. We can try whatever we want to change that, but any change will depend on many different factors. Long term relationships are a living thing, fluid, dynamic and will mutate over the years. I don't know a single couple in a long term relationship that are still in love. Long term love does not exist. It will mutate into affection and often this is enough to keep a couple together, especially if children are involved.

 

When I asked my wife why she didn't want to have sex with me, the answer was: "I don't know". Then she said it was my behaviour. I changed my behaviour. Then she said she didn't love me as she used to. Ah! There's the reason... and you know what? She stopped "loving" me over 10 years ago. There's always a deeper reason when sex stops. And usually isn't the mundane stuff - helping around the house or with the kids. People fall out of love, but stay affectionate. I threatened to leave and my wife agreed to sex regularly. But was that what I really wanted? No. I wanted to be loved. I don't care about sex anymore because I know that my wife gives me sex to keep me here. Far from ideal. I just stopped complaining about it. I've resigned myself.

 

Every woman will give you a different reason for not wanting sex, but I know the real reason...

 

giotto, I'm sorry you are in the situation you are in. I think much of what you said is true, though. I think that if you're treating your partner well and are doing your share of the work and your partner is physically fine, then the reason for not wanting sex is because someone fell out of love.

 

Relationships need to be groomed on a daily basis and it seems to me that many people forget that. They take their relationships for granted. Slowly but surely the love changes and lessons.

 

One of the above posters said that falling in love just happens. I disagree. In the beginning of relationships, love is built and nurtered. People go out on dates and call each other and actually pay attention to one another. They treat each other well. This is how falling in love happens. Some where along the line, many of these same people stop investing the same ammount of energy in their relationships that they did in the beginning. They take their relationships for granted, thinking that since the love was there in the beginning, it will last forever. Sadly, this is often when the relationship starts to fall apart.

 

I'm not saying that you took your relationship for granted, giotto. Maybe your wife did? Anyways, I hope things get better for you.

[giotto]

I'm not saying that you took your relationship for granted, giotto. Maybe your wife did? Anyways, I hope things get better for you.

 

we both did... but with four children was difficult to focus on the relationship... I know this might sound harsh, but I think that after we had the second baby she had achieved her goal and I was a surplus... she event said to me I wasn't enough of a man (or man enough) for her at that time. I should have registered that comment more deeply... big red flag. But I was still in love and I still love her, although there is a lot of resentment on my part. I've given up on a loving marriage, resigned myself.

 

If your wife is not happy about you, I think it's a huge alarm bell. I could do no wrong when we were young... now I'm just a dad. I'm not a husband anymore. Unfortunately, it happens. The lack of sex is the sign of a very deep issue. When it gest to that stage, it's over. If you wife is still trying, then there is hope. What a husband should do to fix the little things is very debatable. I can understand TDP's remonstrations that we - men - often find ourselves in a no-win situation. Too much house chores or help with the children and you are not man enough, if you don't help that much, you are a selfish bastard... finding the balance is difficult. The trick is to talk to the other half when there's still hope.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

we both did... but with four children was difficult to focus on the relationship... I know this might sound harsh, but I think that after we had the second baby she had achieved her goal and I was a surplus... she event said to me I wasn't enough of a man (or man enough) for her at that time. I should have registered that comment more deeply... big red flag. But I was still in love and I still love her, although there is a lot of resentment on my part. I've given up on a loving marriage, resigned myself.

 

If your wife is not happy about you, I think it's a huge alarm bell. I could do no wrong when we were young... now I'm just a dad. I'm not a husband anymore. Unfortunately, it happens. The lack of sex is the sign of a very deep issue. When it gest to that stage, it's over. If you wife is still trying, then there is hope. What a husband should do to fix the little things is very debatable. I can understand TDP's remonstrations that we - men - often find ourselves in a no-win situation. Too much house chores or help with the children and you are not man enough, if you don't help that much, you are a selfish bastard... finding the balance is difficult. The trick is to talk to the other half when there's still hope.

 

I am so sorry for your situation and can understand how difficult it must be and wish you the best.

[giotto]

I am so sorry for your situation and can understand how difficult it must be and wish you the best.

 

thanks for that... I was trying to be "universal", explaining what it might be through my own experience... anyway, I'm kind of over it, so it's ok...

[LakesideDream]

This is a strange thread, full of confusion. I was in a 25 year marriage where sex wasn't an issue. Much of it was just sex too. She liked sex, enjoyed orgasms. While we made love.. she often just wanted to be "F***ed".

 

As the marriage changed like others here I strove for more "quality". For some silly misguided reason I was still in love with her. Like many, I tried the paint the bedroom, do the chores route. That didn't have any effect on our sex.

 

What did have an effect, a positive one was meeting her when she got home from work (kids grown) with a cocktail or glass of wine, a hot tub full of bubbles, and the promise of an extended full body massage. I'll tell you guys, it's amazing what 30-45 minutes of massage will accomplish. Even after 20+ years that lit fires in the bedroom.

 

Might give it a try.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

This is a strange thread, full of confusion. I was in a 25 year marriage where sex wasn't an issue. Much of it was just sex too. She liked sex, enjoyed orgasms. While we made love.. she often just wanted to be "F***ed".

 

As the marriage changed like others here I strove for more "quality". For some silly misguided reason I was still in love with her. Like many, I tried the paint the bedroom, do the chores route. That didn't have any effect on our sex.

 

What did have an effect, a positive one was meeting her when she got home from work (kids grown) with a cocktail or glass of wine, a hot tub full of bubbles, and the promise of an extended full body massage. I'll tell you guys, it's amazing what 30-45 minutes of massage will accomplish. Even after 20+ years that lit fires in the bedroom.

 

Might give it a try.

 

Good for you...... Okay so again the checklist.....

 

Chores

Dishes

Children's activities

Presents

Love notes

Massages

Greet with Wine

Rub Feet

Communicate

Attentive

Stud in bed

Orgasms

 

 

Everyone is different..... There is no magic pill. I was again going back to why I did the OP and the sadness of some who have posted. Giotto, I empathize with you and understand where many make compromises or "settle".

 

I also know that counseling often does not help, and that the fire is not as strong after 5/10/15/20+ years.....

 

I was just bothered by someone telling me (us) that doing chores, alleviating the work/stress many women feel was meritless....

[soserious1]

A big part of the problem for many is that often a spouse will agree to schedule regular sex but even that isn't enough for the spouse with the higher drive. They're stomping their feet angry because she's not crawling on her hands and knees begging him to do her.

 

I think many times out of love a lower drive spouse will compromise and have sex more often than they would normally choose to but you cannot legislate desire and passion, you cannot brow beat, guilt trip or bully somebody into feeling physical lust for you.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

A big part of the problem for many is that often a spouse will agree to schedule regular sex but even that isn't enough for the spouse with the higher drive. They're stomping their feet angry because she's not crawling on her hands and knees begging him to do her.

 

I think many times out of love a lower drive spouse will compromise and have sex more often than they would normally choose to but you cannot legislate desire and passion, you cannot brow beat, guilt trip or bully somebody into feeling physical lust for you.

 

More often we wonder where it went. If it was not there to begin with, then you know what you bought in to. Yes it may wane over time, but for it to disappear is unacceptable if the spouses have a loving relationship and maintained their attractiveness (age not withstanding).

 

In the posts I referenced the spouse did orgasm and enjoyed sex. I'm sorry to tell you that is what men measure. Does the spouse have an orgasm. If she does then she is enjoying sex and they should be having it....

 

There have been women who too have posted that their spouse is no longer interested in sex. Would anyone ever post a reply that says "you cannot brow beat, guilt trip or bully somebody into feeling physical lust for you"? No way.

 

 

Not good enough to say they are not interested.

[angie2443]

Good for you...... Okay so again the checklist.....

 

Chores

Dishes

Children's activities

Presents

Love notes

Massages

Greet with Wine

Rub Feet

Communicate

Attentive

Stud in bed

Orgasms

 

 

Everyone is different..... There is no magic pill. I was again going back to why I did the OP and the sadness of some who have posted. Giotto, I empathize with you and understand where many make compromises or "settle".

 

I also know that counseling often does not help, and that the fire is not as strong after 5/10/15/20+ years.....

 

I was just bothered by someone telling me (us) that doing chores, alleviating the work/stress many women feel was meritless....

 

I seem to be constantly misunderstanding you. I'm looking at the list and thinking that at least the first three things on the list need to be done regardless of rather or not you're getting sex. If your partner left tommorow, would you stop cleaning up after yourself? Would you stop taking care of your children? The part about the children seems odd to me because most of the fathers I know want to be an important part of their childrens life. They want to take care of and interact with their children. My husband doesn't help our son with his homework or play puzzles with our daughter just so he can have sex with me. If I dropped out of the picture, he'd still be taking care of his kids because he loves them.

 

I'm wondering if your wife told you "I'm not interested in sex because off all these dishes I have to wash." If this is what's going in your situation, then your situation is more understandable to me. Right now, it just feels to me like you're saying "I help with the dishes so my wife has to have sex with me". What am I missing?