Not enough esx in marriage..... Here we go again....

[Alma Mobley]

Taylor,

 

I have no had kids yet, so my remark was not snide. I think you have offered good info. I just don't want to become what you described. I love sex but I do want to have kids some day. How do we women avoid what you described? My husband told me that one of the reasons he married me was for the sex (lol, i know).l I don't want that to end because we want a family some day.

[taylor]

Taylor,

 

I have no had kids yet, so my remark was not snide. I think you have offered good info. I just don't want to become what you described. I love sex but I do want to have kids some day. How do we women avoid what you described? My husband told me that one of the reasons he married me was for the sex (lol, i know).l I don't want that to end because we want a family some day.

 

Alma,

 

I can only offer advice from my own experience. I am sure there are many other women with children who can do the same for you.

 

My advice:

 

1. Your husband needs to be your number one priority even after you have children. This is very hard to do because children are VERY demanding. But it is possible to juggle their needs with the needs of your husband. Don't let it become so one-sided that he feels neglected..so one-sided that he always feels like number 2.

 

This is very hard to do for two reasons. One, of course, the mommy gene..that maternal pull to cater to your children. And two, as women we are socialized to be good mothers, to sacrifice ourselves for our children. Don't buy into that.

 

Children grow up, they thank you for helping them get there, and then they move on to live their own lives.

 

If you lose your identity in your children, you have nothing to fall back on when they grow up and leave.

 

You look at your life and say, "Who am I now?" You have nothing to identify yourself with because somewhere along the line you lost YOU.

 

And you look at your husband and you say, "Who are you?" And you realize you left him in the dust years ago while you focused solely on your children.

 

So, in summary:

 

1. Husband, number 1. Children, number 2.

 

2. Don't lose your sense of self. Take time for your own hobbies and interests, your friends. And take care of yourself..inside and out. Define who you are as a PERSON and work hard not to lose sight of that person.

[Alma Mobley]

Thanks Taylor.

 

We are trying at the moment.

 

I DO NOT want to lose myself in a baby. I want to balance. I don't want "that woman" to be me, if that makes sense.

 

Last time hubby and I had a fight, I went outside to smoke a cig (I rarely smoke) and pushed my butt up against the glass. He laughed and the argument was over. And then we had mad sex.

 

Is that over once a baby comes into the picture? I hope not. I want to keep my sex drive and my dirty sense of humor

[clv0116]

1. Husband, number 1. Children, number 2.

 

This also prevents children from growing up with the wrong idea about their place in the world. The advice you gave should be tattooed on the anatomy of most single moms. On the other hand, maybe that's why a lot of them ended up single moms.

[Alma Mobley]

Huh? If they are "single moms" how does that advice apply? (Single moms=no husband or man in the picture.)

[clv0116]

Huh? If they are "single moms" how does that advice apply? (Single moms=no husband or man in the picture.)

 

Take a look on a personals site sometime. "My child is my number one priority and ...."

[Alma Mobley]

I still fail to see your point. You are talking about single moms. I'm talking about balancing a kid and a husband.

 

No, I don't go onto personals.

[giotto]

Alma,

 

I can only offer advice from my own experience. I am sure there are many other women with children who can do the same for you.

 

My advice:

 

1. Your husband needs to be your number one priority even after you have children. This is very hard to do because children are VERY demanding. But it is possible to juggle their needs with the needs of your husband. Don't let it become so one-sided that he feels neglected..so one-sided that he always feels like number 2.

 

This is very hard to do for two reasons. One, of course, the mommy gene..that maternal pull to cater to your children. And two, as women we are socialized to be good mothers, to sacrifice ourselves for our children. Don't buy into that.

 

Children grow up, they thank you for helping them get there, and then they move on to live their own lives.

 

If you lose your identity in your children, you have nothing to fall back on when they grow up and leave.

 

You look at your life and say, "Who am I now?" You have nothing to identify yourself with because somewhere along the line you lost YOU.

 

And you look at your husband and you say, "Who are you?" And you realize you left him in the dust years ago while you focused solely on your children.

 

So, in summary:

 

1. Husband, number 1. Children, number 2.

 

2. Don't lose your sense of self. Take time for your own hobbies and interests, your friends. And take care of yourself..inside and out. Define who you are as a PERSON and work hard not to lose sight of that person.

 

well, you've summed it up, really... we, men, don't have a clue about what happens when our wives have children... nobody told us and we have to guess... it's very difficult and I wish we were told that (what to expect) at anti-natal classes... it's nobody's fault, but knowing more about the whole dynamics would surely help...

[clv0116]

I still fail to see your point. You are talking about single moms.

 

You think it's a good idea for a single mom to make her child(ren) the most important thing in her life no matter what else is in it?

[angie2443]

You think it's a good idea for a single mom to make her child(ren) the most important thing in her life no matter what else is in it?

 

You are, IMO, one of the creepiest posters on LS. I'm not just saying that because of your posts on this thread, but also some of your posts on other threads.

[angie2443]

well, you've summed it up, really... we, men, don't have a clue about what happens when our wives have children... nobody told us and we have to guess... it's very difficult and I wish we were told that (what to expect) at anti-natal classes... it's nobody's fault, but knowing more about the whole dynamics would surely help...

 

giotto, I've noticed that some men join the mother after the baby arives and some want to keep the single life. The men that help bathe the baby, feed the baby, change the baby, in short embrace the father role, do much better with the changes in the family then the men who just hold the baby for a few moments and then go off to do their own thing. When the children come and you and your partner are in the trenches together, you have a much better understanding and appreciation of what your partner is going through.

[clv0116]

You are, IMO, one of the creepiest posters on LS. I'm not just saying that because of your posts on this thread, but also some of your posts on other threads.

 

Wow, that's sort of cool. Also very non-specific. Also sort of a personal attack and off topic. Hat trick.

 

All I'm saying is that making a child believe they are the center of the known Universe unhealthy and does them no favors. What's the problem?

[Gamine]

you are projecting/universalising your situation. Your man behaved like a pig and therefore all men are pigs, just looking for release. I can assure you: we are not! I was expecting more from you!

 

BTW, TDP, my wife screams every time because I'm an Italian stallion!

 

Ouch. Way harsh Giotto. I think my time on this thread has reached a conclusion.

[soserious1]

I remember when my children were small, partcularly when they were still nursing, on many days it felt as if my body wasn't my own, that somebody was always pawing at me, pulling on me, to say nothing of the constant contact of picking up, carrying babies/toddlers on the hip etc. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids but there were many times all I craved was a hot shower, alone, with nobody touching me or making demands on me physically.

 

Perhaps this plays a part in how women loss sexual drive once kids come along.

[giotto]

Ouch. Way harsh Giotto. I think my time on this thread has reached a conclusion.

 

yes, sorry, I know it was, reading it again... and I ended up generalising as well...

[giotto]

giotto, I've noticed that some men join the mother after the baby arives and some want to keep the single life. The men that help bathe the baby, feed the baby, change the baby, in short embrace the father role, do much better with the changes in the family then the men who just hold the baby for a few moments and then go off to do their own thing. When the children come and you and your partner are in the trenches together, you have a much better understanding and appreciation of what your partner is going through.

 

I did all that... but as "soserious" explained above, after taking care of the baby all day and night, the last thing a mummy wants to do, when she has half an hour off, is being touched by a man! I understand this now, but I didn't understand it then... having said that, we had sex again, after the birth of the baby, at about 6 months... and I couldn't touch her breasts... these are the times when a man seriously feels rejected and replaced. I have no problem with the mummy mode, shame I didn't know about it at the time...

[taylor]

giotto, I've noticed that some men join the mother after the baby arives and some want to keep the single life. The men that help bathe the baby, feed the baby, change the baby, in short embrace the father role, do much better with the changes in the family then the men who just hold the baby for a few moments and then go off to do their own thing. When the children come and you and your partner are in the trenches together, you have a much better understanding and appreciation of what your partner is going through.

 

Yes! Important point.

 

Men who do not involve themselves in child care stand on the outside looking in at all the frenzy and mumble, "What about me?"

 

Men who dive into child care with the same gusto as their wives KNOW how the wife feels at the end of the day because he feels it, too.

 

I remember many times my husband falling asleep at the end of the day, holding a wide-awake baby in his arms. He ran out of steam before the baby did. So I would take the baby from him and lead him to the bedroom. He couldn't wait til his head hit the pillow and off to dreamland he went. Sex was the last thing on his mind.

 

I also remember many times when we would wear the kids out running and playing, put them to bed, and tiptoe quietly out of their bedrooms so that we could have some time to wear each other out. Sometimes the plan would backfire and it would be US worn out before the kids!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Yes, in retrospect mommy mode certainly had major affects in terms of intimacy and too much kids crawling all over. Add to that believing in the family bed for too long puts a crimp in one's sex life.

 

I am not here to beat my chest, but I was a very engaged father, did 50% of the diapers, actually was the first at my company to take Paternity leave.... I am sure scrunchy may have something to say how being too much a dad, negatively affected my sex life:rolleyes:.

 

BTW I did have sex 2 nights in a row am satiated (as is my spouse I hope) and thus I no longer will be doing dishes, vacuuming or other odd chores around the house for a few days at least......

[giotto]

BTW I did have sex 2 nights in a row am satiated (as is my spouse I hope) and thus I no longer will be doing dishes, vacuuming or other odd chores around the house for a few days at least......

 

how did you do that? Did you go out for a beer with your mates and then watched football burping loudly while eating pizza?

[angie2443]

1. Husband, number 1. Children, number 2.

 

2. Don't lose your sense of self. Take time for your own hobbies and interests, your friends. And take care of yourself..inside and out. Define who you are as a PERSON and work hard not to lose sight of that person.

 

This is true. Just make sure that when the kids come, your husband gives you the time (by helping out with the kids) for your friends and hobbies. Also, make sure your husband puts you in the #1 slot to.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

how did you do that? Did you go out for a beer with your mates and then watched football burping loudly while eating pizza?

 

I told the wench I was going out and to be ready when I got home. The next night I sent her out with a male friend and told her that if she was doing that then she "owed" me.

 

Thanks Scrunchy, I have seen the error of my ways....

[angie2443]

I remember when my children were small, partcularly when they were still nursing, on many days it felt as if my body wasn't my own, that somebody was always pawing at me, pulling on me, to say nothing of the constant contact of picking up, carrying babies/toddlers on the hip etc. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids but there were many times all I craved was a hot shower, alone, with nobody touching me or making demands on me physically.

.

 

Yes! I get this feeling all the time. I have a three month old who still nurses and goes through these stages where he has to be constantly held or he just flips out. I have a 2 and 3 year old who are very loving and affectionate and constantly hugging on me, crawling into my lap or climbing on me like I'm a piece of furniture. My 5 year old is a bit more independant, so I'm starting to get some sort of break from him. I love my kids more than anything and so I feel guilty saying I need a break from their constant hugging, etc, but sometimes I do. A long hot shower away from everyone else sounds great right now.

[Gamine]

The survey shows....

 

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,959268,00.htm

 

The above link shares the results of a recent survey on how women feel about sex. Majority seem to say they'd be happy to do without it.

 

It is the Time Life magazine article /0,9171,959268,00.html

[OpenBook]

The above link shares the results of a recent survey on how women feel about sex. Majority seem to say they'd be happy to do without it.

 

It is the Time Life magazine article /0,9171,959268,00.html

 

Actually, the question posed in the survey was IF GIVEN A CHOICE, which would women prefer: sex, or a little tenderness?

 

But I think this article shows more about how lousy men are in bed with their SO's than anything else. One woman in the survey responded with, "I would love to be spoken to tenderly. My boyfriend never says a word. If I say anything he says, 'Be quiet. You're spoiling things.' "

 

That's horrifying.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

The survey shows....

 

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,959268,00.htm

 

The above link shares the results of a recent survey on how women feel about sex. Majority seem to say they'd be happy to do without it.

 

It is the Time Life magazine article /0,9171,959268,00.html

 

We get it.... We men are pigs.... Thank you for hitting us over the head with a hammer yet again.

 

BTW it was a survey by Ann Landers..... Need I say more???