The last Exit Ramp

[Die Hard]

One more post because I have to go and won't be able to respond again tonight but IMO this won't be over until stamp stops caring how she treats her husband or kids or whatever. It's none of his business anymore(never really was but). I mean, if stamp is moving on, why concern himself with her life at this point? Remember: actions not words.

 

I know you don't want to hear it stamp but you must eventually start NC with the intention for it to last your lifetime. Its the only way you're getting past this.

 

Someday you will understand what I'm saying man. For your sake I hope it's sooner rather than later.

[81West]

I thought a lot about my own situation, which was as painful a thing as I've ever experienced. After almost two and a half years, I've finally moved from 'inconsolable' to 'numb'. Yay me.

 

I'm not even sure if what I'm going to add here fits. It may not have anything to do with this situation, or with Stampdaddy. But it's something I realized about the 81West that was deeply involved in an emotional affair with a MM, and I thought about it as I read this thread.

 

Despite my history as an OW, I am a good person. I was a good person then. I was a moral person, and I cared deeply about others. I cared about his wife, quite genuinely. I wanted him to DoTheRightThingTM. I WantedWhatWasBestforHimTM. I was WillingToSacrificeMyLoveTM. I WantedHimtoBeSureTM. I spoke kindly and gently of his wife, and even defended her sometimes.I was VeryUnderstandingTM. I did those things, because I was a GoodPersonTM.

 

But I've grown to belive that I was unwittingly selfish in this. It benefitted me to maintain my self perception, and it left all the heavy lifting of BeingTheJerkTM to him. I was in this with him, and perhaps the truly loving thing to do would have been to step up and be an a_shole right along with him. To take the hits to my public and private face. To be honest about what we were doing together and to not leave him alone to face the ugly fallout. To ease the extraordinary burdens of leaving a spouse and children by bearing my half - being an active and admitted homewrecker so that we might face the consequences together. I shouldn't have taken her side. I should have taken his side. The slow rebuilding of trust and respect of family and community is a price that should be paid together in these situations.

 

Standing at the exit ramps is in it's way extraordinarily passive. I know, because I stood there too. I stood there because I was a good person.

[stampdaddy]

this sounds reasonable it's just that I'm curious as to the "watching" part of your post. How does one "watch" the actions of another as it pertains to someone else's marriage? I have no idea how anyone's marriage is going or not going by just watching. There must be contact going on here which would also mean that stamp is still interfering, even if passively. It makes no sense to keep saying it's over if it REALLY has been over. I am not getting that stamp is done yet. Just my opinion but it seems to be just the daily drama continuing.

 

 

I WILL be honest with you, as I have always been honest here. I just maybe havent been honest with MYSELF... This particular thread, "the last exit ramp" is exactly what it says it is. And now it is clearer that ever: SHE IS BROKEN

 

However it happened, whenever it happened, I dont know. AND I CAN'T HELP HER. The worst thing I could ever do is "be there" for her when this is all said and done. I would take away any chance for her to ever fix herself. For her, for her children, for any reasonable relationship with their father, and lastly, with me..

 

I am not walking away from her. I am walking away from a person that is really, really lost. She may have been lost well before me, I am sure she was. She may or may not ever be able to find herself, but herself is not with me.

 

Contact, sure there has been, I have never said there hasnt been. But, it has been limited, and now, I can see full NC because that is what I want: FOR HER, FOR ME, FOR THEM, and FOR HIM. Besides yesterday, it had been a month, and before that, 3 weeks to a month. NOW, it will be a VERY long time if ever.... ****and don't take this as hoping for contact again, or a door open, or anything like that.

 

Bottom line: I love her, I love them and am hurt for him and I just want her to get healthy for herself and her children and that is WITHOUT ME.

[quankanne]

as much as we desire, we cannot make someone make the "right" choice, especially when that decision affects so many other lives ... at some point, hopefully she will understand what havoc her decisions are playing with her family and do the honorable thing by putting their needs ahead of her own, even as her legal counsel suggests otherwise.

 

hugs, stampy ... lots and lots of 'em

[tami-chan]

I thought a lot about my own situation, which was as painful a thing as I've ever experienced. After almost two and a half years, I've finally moved from 'inconsolable' to 'numb'. Yay me.

 

I'm not even sure if what I'm going to add here fits. It may not have anything to do with this situation, or with Stampdaddy. But it's something I realized about the 81West that was deeply involved in an emotional affair with a MM, and I thought about it as I read this thread.

 

Despite my history as an OW, I am a good person. I was a good person then. I was a moral person, and I cared deeply about others. I cared about his wife, quite genuinely. I wanted him to DoTheRightThingTM. I WantedWhatWasBestforHimTM. I was WillingToSacrificeMyLoveTM. I WantedHimtoBeSureTM. I spoke kindly and gently of his wife, and even defended her sometimes.I was VeryUnderstandingTM. I did those things, because I was a GoodPersonTM.

 

But I've grown to belive that I was unwittingly selfish in this. It benefitted me to maintain my self perception, and it left all the heavy lifting of BeingTheJerkTM to him. I was in this with him, and perhaps the truly loving thing to do would have been to step up and be an a_shole right along with him. To take the hits to my public and private face. To be honest about what we were doing together and to not leave him alone to face the ugly fallout. To ease the extraordinary burdens of leaving a spouse and children by bearing my half - being an active and admitted homewrecker so that we might face the consequences together. I shouldn't have taken her side. I should have taken his side. The slow rebuilding of trust and respect of family and community is a price that should be paid together in these situations.

 

Standing at the exit ramps is in it's way extraordinarily passive. I know, because I stood there too. I stood there because I was a good person.

 

ahhh...this is one of the most honest and bravest post I have ever read on LS......

 

When the chips were down MW was left out to dry....so much for true love...

 

MW is broken and lost and the man she risked all of these up....where is he?

 

Stamp..you seem like a good person...but it appears you let her down...and maybe she deserves it.<shrug>, It is sobbering.

[bentnotbroken]

The only person she risked anything for was herself. To walk away from a broken person is what is necessary to heal. It is good her H and Stamp are letting her hit rock bottom and then maybe she will see she has issues that she needs to deal with before she passes on her issues to her children.

[quankanne]

but it appears you let her down...and maybe she deserves it.

 

but how can someone who has tried their best to do the right thing by this woman and her family when helping pick up the pieces be expected to keep riding a train that is out of control? This woman has the opportunity to exit her marriage with dignity and benevolvence but instead chose to act selfishly by looking for ways to further hurt her husband and children.

[whichwayisup]

When the chips were down MW was left out to dry....so much for true love...

 

She messed it up.

MW is broken and lost and the man she risked all of these up....where is he?

She's been broken for a very long time.. Who? Stamps or her husband? She broke both of their hearts..

Stamp..you seem like a good person...but it appears you let her down...and maybe she deserves it.<shrug>, It is sobbering.

 

How so? Because he got sick and tired of her passive behaviour? Her non action?

[tami-chan]

but it appears you let her down...and maybe she deserves it.

 

This woman has the opportunity to exit her marriage with dignity and benevolvence but instead chose to act selfishly by looking for ways to further hurt her husband and children.

 

She LOOKED for ways to hurt her husband and children? That is just evil. I was not privy to that,(but it seems that you are), and thus the qualified statement above.

 

Still, majority, if not all, have agree this woman is broken and lost. She even said "she is so F%^&ed-ip she has nothing to offer". I mean, c'mon, if that doesn't sound like a cry for hel, I don't what does. The very person who swore to love her has abandoned her....No wonder adultery happens, there is nothing sacred anymore....

 

If Stamp loves her enough, he should be there for her...even as a friend...She has been thrown under the bus. In the end where it matters most...she is alone...abandoned.

 

I feel sorry for her.

[whichwayisup]

Hopefully Stamps will come here answer all your questions.

 

Don't feel sorry for her. She made this mess and chose to go a route which is alot harder for everyone. She is a grown woman who has made some pretty bad mistakes, she isn't and hasn't learned, she's still being selfish and still making bad mistakes - Mistakes that will cause MORE hurt than is necessary.

[stampdaddy]

but it appears you let her down...and maybe she deserves it.

 

 

 

She LOOKED for ways to hurt her husband and children? That is just evil. I was not privy to that,(but it seems that you are), and thus the qualified statement above.

 

Still, majority, if not all, have agree this woman is broken and lost. She even said "she is so F%^&ed-ip she has nothing to offer". I mean, c'mon, if that doesn't sound like a cry for hel, I don't what does. The very person who swore to love her has abandoned her....No wonder adultery happens, there is nothing sacred anymore....

 

If Stamp loves her enough, he should be there for her...even as a friend...She has been thrown under the bus. In the end where it matters most...she is alone...abandoned.

 

I feel sorry for her.

 

"if I loved her enough"... Tami... you have NO idea how I have loved her, how I love her.. What she meant to me, how she brought poetry to my heart, miracles to my eyes, purpose to my soul... You have read a couple of posts and now you feel sorry for her. I have ADORED her for almost 5 years. If you and I were to talk on the phone or in person and you asked me about the night we met, or our first date??? IF I LOVED HER ENOUGH

[sugarmomma]

 

"if I loved her enough"... Tami... you have NO idea how I have loved her, how I love her.. What she meant to me, how she brought poetry to my heart, miracles to my eyes, purpose to my soul... You have read a couple of posts and now you feel sorry for her. I have ADORED her for almost 5 years. If you and I were to talk on the phone or in person and you asked me about the night we met, or our first date??? IF I LOVED HER ENOUGH

 

 

Forgive me if this question has already been answered but have you two ended your r? How long has it been since you spoke? Sounds like its over...

[norajane]

She has been thrown under the bus.

So she cheats on her husband and children for 4 or 5 years, and she keeps stamp hanging for 4 or 5 years, all the while lying to all of them, and now just because her husband has FINALLY filed for divorce and stamp sees her for what she is, SHE has been thrown under the bus?

 

She threw them all under the bus years ago, as pawns to her own selfish motivations - INCLUDING her children. And it sounds like she's now trying to take her husband for everything he's worth in the divorce, if stamp thinks her husband is going to need his extra paper clips and spices.

 

Yes, perhaps you can pity her...for being so deaf, dumb and blind to everything but her own selfish wants that she'd destroy the lives of so many. You can't save other people - you can only enable them to continue destroying and manipulating. They can only save themselves, if they choose to. And she has never chosen to, preferring to use others instead.

[tami-chan]

 

"if I loved her enough"... Tami... you have NO idea how I have loved her, how I love her.. What she meant to me, how she brought poetry to my heart, miracles to my eyes, purpose to my soul... You have read a couple of posts and now you feel sorry for her. I have ADORED her for almost 5 years. If you and I were to talk on the phone or in person and you asked me about the night we met, or our first date??? IF I LOVED HER ENOUGH

 

I do have an idea of how much you feel for her because of the things you have said here. It appears (to me, at least) that all of what you felt ( or still feel) for her is not enough for you to be there for her, now that she is in the state she is---broken, "f&**ed-up", lost...Like I said, it is sobering....sobering to realize, that really love, promises of fidelity, for better or for worst, in good times and in bad..in the end, rarely amount to anything...because even YOU who has eloquently expressed and shared how much you love this woman...are abandoning her...

 

Being that I come from Lalaland or my version of OZ (as some of you have said), I was routing for a beautiful end to your love story.

[bentnotbroken]

It does have a beautiful end. Two people aren't being jerked around by a cake eating, overly selfish, broken woman. Stamp has found his way back to God and she will be forced to see she needs help.

[quankanne]

She LOOKED for ways to hurt her husband and children?

 

more along the line that she squandered the opportunity to do the right thing when it came to their well-being, from what I understand.

 

a beautiful ending would be fantastic ... but in this case, I don't believe the woman in question is generous enough of heart to ensure that there are no further casualties in her divorce (casualties being husband or children), and that's enough to make someone take a good hard look at what he's dealing with. Esp. if he's trying to do the right thing by her family because of what's happened ...

[boldjack]

Shemp, You did what you could. Her H did what he could too. Never mind posters, who reserve all of their sympathy for the WS, and all their bile for the BS or Om. To them, her broken vows are excused, and the H and you are at fault for not forgiving and supporting her. It's her road, she has to walk it.

[NoIDidn't]

Shemp, You did what you could. Her H did what he could too. Never mind posters, who reserve all of their sympathy for the WS, and all their bile for the BS or Om. To them, her broken vows are excused, and the H and you are at fault for not forgiving and supporting her. It's her road, she has to walk it.

 

I would take it a bit further. To them, her broken vows are excused, and the H and you are at fault for not just taking whatever she felt like dishing out.

 

She hasn't been abandoned. Everything she is experiencing, she brought on herself.

[OldEurope]

 

I do have an idea of how much you feel for her because of the things you have said here. It appears (to me, at least) that all of what you felt ( or still feel) for her is not enough for you to be there for her, now that she is in the state she is---broken, "f&**ed-up", lost...Like I said, it is sobering....sobering to realize, that really love, promises of fidelity, for better or for worst, in good times and in bad..in the end, rarely amount to anything...because even YOU who has eloquently expressed and shared how much you love this woman...are abandoning her...

 

Being that I come from Lalaland or my version of OZ (as some of you have said), I was routing for a beautiful end to your love story.

 

 

I myself, just for the record, would have to agree with this. I do believe in the Big Picture and love conquering all because for many it has, it can.

 

But besides this "La la" view of my own, I do have to wonder how five years of sustained passion and in-love Love by Stampy who is a smart guy, can suddenly go so cold.

 

She might be acting in a terrible way, and as I have siad in the past, she comes across as a total flake. I can only judge the actions described here.

 

But I was under the impression that the spell cast on Stampy was real, and have recently wondered if he should be rejecting her at this time.

 

OE

[bentnotbroken]

I would take it a bit further. To them' date=' her broken[/b'] vows are excused, and the H and you are at fault for not just taking whatever she felt like dishing out.

 

She hasn't been abandoned. Everything she is experiencing, she brought on herself.

 

 

I too see this. I have seen the phrase for better or worse in reference to her and Stampy's A, but not her marriage to her H. When did she and Stampy take vows? And as I have heard so many times on her from ow, "the passion just dies after so many years of the same person". This this same statement not apply to the ow or is it only reserved for the wife? I am confused. Somebody, anybody explain it to me.

 

5 years of lying and deceit to her H and Stampy. 5 years of being given a choice to do the right thing. 5 years of using, abusing and getting what she wants from everyone and giving nothing real in return. At what point is a person supposed to say enough is enough?

 

I have been reading for weeks the saga's of Kis and xxxHBxxx, everyone is encouraging them to run, don't look back they are being used by MM. They are miserable and in pain. Not one time have I read were a poster told them they were abonding the broken MM. No one has even suggested that they wait in the wings until the MM figures it out and they continue to put their lives on hold. This is wrong on so many levels. I think because Stampy is a man, everyone feels he should suck it up and stick with this psycho witch how is determined to destroy herself and anyone else withing the blast zone.

 

What you don't understand is that Stampy has repented and been restored, and to satisfy some bullcrap fairy tale ending, he is being encouraged to go back to the ways that pulled him from God. As we are so often told, this isn't a fantasy, it is the real world. He needs to protect himself and his relationship with God and let the ow figure it out. She has been given more than ample oppertunity to move in the right direction, now it is time for her to crap or get off the pot.

[stampdaddy]

As soon as I honestly feel like I can move forward, that this "last chance" for her to do the right thing has past and there is nothing I can do for her but let her go....

 

Knock Knock

 

Who's there?

 

MW

 

MW who?

 

MW who showed up at my door at 11:00 last night. Just a broken mess. (please don't waste your time telling me I shoulda/coulda)

 

I allow her in, I didnt say much at first. She just walks into my den and collapses on the sofa and just starts crying.... She said that I was right, and she doesnt know what to do. In such a very short time after signing those papers, it has hit her in the face like a 2 by 4.. I ended up saying that it was not too late to STOP the damage, and that it can get MUCH worse. And then, I basically recited this thread to her and how I felt. That at this point, she needs to find out who she is and that in itself will be a long process.. Then she slept for about an hour.. (let me add, she has never done this before, she was running scared. Running from HERSELF)

 

Hopefully today, she will, oh nevermind....

[OldEurope]

I too see this. I have seen the phrase for better or worse in reference to her and Stampy's A, but not her marriage to her H. When did she and Stampy take vows? And as I have heard so many times on her from ow, "the passion just dies after so many years of the same person". This this same statement not apply to the ow or is it only reserved for the wife? I am confused. Somebody, anybody explain it to me.

 

5 years of lying and deceit to her H and Stampy. 5 years of being given a choice to do the right thing. 5 years of using, abusing and getting what she wants from everyone and giving nothing real in return. At what point is a person supposed to say enough is enough?

 

I have been reading for weeks the saga's of Kis and xxxHBxxx, everyone is encouraging them to run, don't look back they are being used by MM. They are miserable and in pain. Not one time have I read were a poster told them they were abonding the broken MM. No one has even suggested that they wait in the wings until the MM figures it out and they continue to put their lives on hold. This is wrong on so many levels. I think because Stampy is a man, everyone feels he should suck it up and stick with this psycho witch how is determined to destroy herself and anyone else withing the blast zone.

 

What you don't understand is that Stampy has repented and been restored, and to satisfy some bullcrap fairy tale ending, he is being encouraged to go back to the ways that pulled him from God. As we are so often told, this isn't a fantasy, it is the real world. He needs to protect himself and his relationship with God and let the ow figure it out. She has been given more than ample oppertunity to move in the right direction, now it is time for her to crap or get off the pot.

 

 

My...Much anger here.

 

The difference with Stamp's story versus the others is that Kismet and xxxHBxxx were sexual affairs, and this one seemed to be more an entire parallel life that she had built with him. I am not trying to excuse her behavior, but based on stamp's chronicle, there was more substance. She has royally screwed up the divorce dimension.

 

And maybe the fantasy is the real world as well. Maybe they are in love. Maybe he should stand by her. Maybe he should flat out ask, Marry Me.

 

There are not a lot of "good" divorces, not many civil ones. His situation might be bad, but is not insurmountable

[jj33]

Actually I think the truth lies somewhere between the two.

 

HB and KG were both in situations that were bad for them and it was clear the relationship for KG was going nowhere and with HB it was just a nightmare.

 

Stamp's situation is different, as Old Europe said. Nonetheless I agree with BNB - he needs to let her find her way whether its staying in the marriage or leaving.

 

But that doesnt mean there isnt love there or that she may not fix herself. But usually in those situations when someone heals, they end up with someone new, not the H not the lover.

 

Stamp could be there while she hits bottom (as this may not be it yet) drag himself through the mud yet again and then find that she disappears.

 

Love takes many different faces and she is clearly unstable. Should her H stay while she hits bottom (for better or worse ... till death do us part) and try to repair the marriage?

 

Should Stamp be there through thick and thin even if she never gets ahold of herself.

 

Its not an easy answer.

 

It sounds like she needs time on her own. Time to be in counselling and to find out what SHE wants. She doesnt seem to have her own voice in any of this. At the moment shes lost to everyone who loves her.

[whichwayisup]

Obviously the crap hit the fan...

 

She can and should make this right - For everyone. Her crying about it now and regretting what she put in motion CAN be changed. It's up to her.

[bentnotbroken]

My...Much anger here.

 

The difference with Stamp's story versus the others is that Kismet and xxxHBxxx were sexual affairs, and this one seemed to be more an entire parallel life that she had built with him. I am not trying to excuse her behavior, but based on stamp's chronicle, there was more substance. She has royally screwed up the divorce dimension.

 

And maybe the fantasy is the real world as well. Maybe they are in love. Maybe he should stand by her. Maybe he should flat out ask, Marry Me.

 

There are not a lot of "good" divorces, not many civil ones. His situation might be bad, but is not insurmountable

 

 

Where is the anger? Please show that to me too. Why should someone lose who they are for a woman who doesn't even know who she is? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe someday I will be a 6'2" white dude with red hair and green eyes. I think the chances of that happening is the same a Stampy and this woman being happy. You didn't seem to see the part I typed about him finding HIS way again, HIM turning his life around. The situation is based on him being a man. We all know it. We need to all get over this knight in shining armor crap and let the man heal.